Blue Mountain State (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

The Drug Olympics

What about her? Would you do her if you weren't with Denise? - No! - Her? - No, man.
- Why? Because, Alex, I already know that you've had sex with both of those girls, - and I would never go where you've been.
- Why not? I'm first string, Alex, and I got first string tastes.
I'd go where you go.
- I know you would.
Mmm-hmm.
- No! What? No.
- Who's that girl with Denise? - Oh, she's just some transfer student.
She's thinking about coming here next semester.
Denise got stuck showing her around for the weekend.
Holy shit, she doesn't have any arms! Oh, what's that? I didn't just make out with three girls in the bathroom? I'm sorry.
Are you talking to us? You don't think I could hook up with any girl here? - Fifty bucks.
- Fifty bucks for what? You pick out the girl.
If I hook up with her, you pay me 50 bucks.
Fine.
Her.
- How far do I have to go? - Second base.
- You just lost yourself 50 bucks.
- Okay.
- Hey, how's it going? - It's good.
Hey, Moran, how's this for second base? That's enough! We need him for the game.
Wait.
Does this mean I don't have to pay you? What kind of shit was that? I have never had a team quit on me like you quit on me today! I have never lost two games in a row in my entire career! You're lucky I don't drop all of yous! I'd be better off with a high school team out there! Where's special teams? They return a kickoff for a touchdown, they block a punt! You call yourself a coach? You suck! You suck today! And you're fired! - Hey.
Whoa, Coach.
- You stay out of this! I've bled these colors for 18 years, and what you did out there today, it makes me sick.
Holy shit, I'm glad I didn't play today! - Coach is pissed at you guys.
- Everybody listen up! Mandatory meeting.
Pack your bags.
Private party, sir.
You'll have to go someplace else.
Oh, no, no.
I'm the team mascot and this is a team meeting, so Football players only.
Strict orders from the captain.
Hey, you guys smell bacon? - Let's not do this, man.
- Yep, definitely smells like bacon.
Maybe we should make some BLT's.
Because he's a pig, and bacon comes from pigs.
Shit! I'm not You mark my words, buddy! Gentlemen, welcome to our lock-in meeting.
For the rest of the night, no one comes in and no one goes out.
Oh! Our team has hit a crisis point.
Some bad luck, some sloppy play, and we find ourselves down two games in two weeks.
And, also, my nose was broken in a fight last night.
Can I make a suggestion? I'm totally fine with the whole lock-in thing.
I just hope we can invite some girls, 'cause it's Saturday night.
No girls! We need to exorcise our demons.
We've been unlucky as a team, and also in our personal lives.
There's nothing unlucky about you getting your ass stomped by a girl with no arms.
- That was a cheap shot.
- She beat your ass.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
What is this, the blame game? We need to focus! - Wait! I think you're avoiding this whole - And there's no better way to focus than with a little friendly competition.
It's the team building Olympics! Those are drugs! All right, I've asked you here tonight because I think we need to clear the air.
It's come to my attention that some of you have a problem with the way I've been running this team.
So, I'm gonna give you the chance to speak up.
Who wants to go first? All right, I'll go first.
Coach Guisti, I think you're a pussy.
The kids like you but they don't respect you because you're a pussy, and they can smell a pussy a mile away.
Take a shot.
In 1942, the Blue Mountain State football team played an entire season without winning a single game.
At the end of that season, the team gathered in a house much like this one and held the first ever team building Olympic games.
In 1943, the team went undefeated and BMS went on to win its first ever championship title.
Those are the men we honor tonight, in the hopes that we too can learn from their example, and overcome our own bad luck.
I suggest the girls one more time.
Inside of this helmet are many drugs.
Each member of this team will pick a drug out of this helmet and ingest it.
You do not get to choose your drug.
Whichever the Gods decide you shall have, you will take.
We will then split into two teams.
Upperclassmen versus Lowerclassmen.
Come forward.
Don't touch the helmet! Mmm.
Mmm.
No, no, no! - These are for you.
- I thought you said the Gods decide.
They do.
I'm God, and I decide! These are my Olympic games, so take it! - What is it? - G and V.
Hmm.
At least it's not heroin, you know.
I don't like it when you call my house late at night and ask my wife to wake me up just so you could talk about stuff we We could talk about the next day.
- I don't do that.
- Yes, you do, Marty.
You certainly do.
And I don't think it was fair that you fired Coach Tyler earlier today.
He's a good coach, man.
All right, this is good.
Get it all out.
Come on, have a shot.
Everybody, have a shot! So, are there any parties tonight? I like to party.
There are no parties tonight.
The school's in a serious state of depression after that game today.
Ugh! Well, Denise, I'm here.
- Here for what? - To hang out.
I know Craig.
I don't know you.
I want to know you.
- Do you want to know me? - Not really.
- Do you want a beer? - No.
- Do you want a beer? - Yes, please! - Holy shit, you don't have arms.
- Nope! Okay, you're drunk.
You need to leave my apartment right now.
- That is so cool! - You need to leave! You girls want to get wasted with me? - No.
- I do! But Denise said there weren't any parties tonight.
There are parties.
And if we don't find them, we will make our own.
Come with me.
Oh! We're gonna need to do something about that.
Oh, yeah! Shake it off! Shake it off! It was just the acid.
I thought I was someplace else right now.
I'm not.
Because here's the thing about relationships.
You only get out of them what you put in.
It's just a fact! My girlfriend used to beat me up, but so what? I survived.
Did you vote? I voted.
Who'd you vote for? You ever heard of this band Metallica? Yeah! Yes! Upper-class wins another one! Wait.
You didn't even measure that.
I measured it with my dick.
That doesn't even make sense.
- Hey, what exactly did you give Craig? - Don't worry about it.
Isn't it the cougar? How the hell did she get in here? Pauline's having some trouble at home so I just said she should crash here for a little bit.
Whoa! Wait! What's going on? - Pauline's gonna bang Shilo.
- Hell, yeah! Wait.
Wait.
What? Our team has been playing bad because somebody here hasn't banged Pauline, and that somebody happens to be Shilo.
Wait.
Please tell me you didn't set up this lock-in so that Pauline could bang Shilo.
Last year, everyone on the team banged Pauline and we won a national championship.
This year, somebody's holding out, and that somebody happens to be Shilo, and we're on the verge of not even making a bowl game.
So you do the math.
- I can't let you do this, man.
- I wouldn't go where you've gone.
Well, all right, then.
Have fun! Oh! Oh! Enjoy him.
My pants are growing.
Holy shit! Did you call the cops? - No.
Did you? - Larry, did you call the cops? Oh, shit! I called an ambulance! I told you three times today that the screen pass was a bad idea.
It wasn't working! It completely killed the drive! Oh, yeah? Well, it would have worked if your linemen would have executed their assignments! Bullshit! You know, you have a lot to say tonight.
Maybe you think you should be running the team, huh? I'm not saying that.
But I can do a betterjob than you did today! Wrestle me for it.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
Wrestle me for it.
You pin me, and you get the keys to the kingdom.
All right.
All right, watch it.
- Is this where the party is? - Yeah.
If we were in there, it would sound so much funner out here.
We should try to sneak in.
You have the greatest ideas and I'm gonna use them.
You're helping me.
Give me a boost.
Just give me the hip.
Yeah, there we go.
Let me get my backpack on it.
So that's why Denise wasn't invited.
- See anything cool? - Kind of.
Hey, I'm gonna go ahead I'm gonna go ahead and pee from up here, so look out, all right? Come on, you pussy! Oh, damn! Get off me! Get off me! - You've lost your edge, Marty! And we all know you dye your hair.
You can't hide your age anymore.
It's a rinse, you asshole! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - Winner! - Yes! Wait, wait.
Stop! Stop cheering! We're supposed to be building the team.
Right now we're divided into two teams and we need to be one team.
He's right! No teams! No.
No, wait.
One team.
One team and no teams.
One times zero is always zero teams.
Let's go play football one team! No teams! It's football, guys.
I'm pretty sure you need two teams, you know what I'm saying? Everybody into the field! Are you an angel? Tonight I'm whatever you want me to be.
Well, I think you're an angel.
We're not making a bowl this year.
What am I doing? What would my father say if he could see me right now? He'd say I failed him.
He'd probably say the same thing you assholes said tonight.
He'd be embarrassed by my vanity.
Screw it! We need to start over! I'm gonna call Tyler and give him his job back.
And then we're gonna take everything in this locker room, every piece of equipment, and we're gonna burn it.
We're gonna burn it all! Excuse me.
Pills all over the floor.
I'll take this, exchange that out.
Holy cow! Look at all these drugs! Oh, my God! Holy shit! You dare me to do all of them? I will help you.
Monica, what do you say after we do all these, I build you some arms? Sammy, nobody's ever offered to build me arms before.
Really? - Oh! What's going on? - You hugging me? Yeah? Hug you back? There you go.
All right.
This feels great.
What now? We call the boosters and tell them we need all-new shit.
Yeah! - Hey, Coach - You see this? You know what this is? It's a new beginning for all of us.
See, 'cause what happened in the past stays in the past, and what happens in the future is only gonna be good.
You guys come here to play football? - Yes! - Yes, sir.
Well, have at it.
Come on, guys.
Let's go inside and call our ex-wives.
All right, we're gonna play football with no teams.
Oh, man.
Look, I told you, you gotta have teams.
No, it doesn't matter.
We're gonna play football.
We're playing for the gold medal.
Set the game clock! Blue 18.
Blue 18.
Wait, wait, wait! Am I on offense or defense right now? - Hey, we're being followed! Go! - Hmm.
I'm open! Oh, yeah, baby Oh! You're my angel! You're my angel, baby! Are we done yet? Okay, next touchdown wins.
Or loses.
Doesn't matter.
We've only been out here for like 10 minutes, man.
Set.
Hike! Oh! What did you do that for? Now they got the ball.
The teacher has become the master.
- I'm sorry.
What's that? - The teacher has become the blaster.
I have absolutely no idea what it is you're trying to say to me right now.
It's the team building Olympics.
Blue 28.
Blue 28.
Set.
Hike! Wait! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Block for me! Tackle me! Block for me! He's coming back this way.
Hell, no! You're headed the wrong way, man! Wait.
Wait.
Block for him! Block for him! - Are you okay? - What happened? You just gave me the night of my life, that's what happened.
That was a touchdown.
We did it! Help me up.
Monica, I wish that I could rip my arms off and give them to you sometime so maybe you could call me.
- My phone voice dials.
- Even better! Will he remember? He won't remember a thing.
But it did happen, right? Trust me, it happened.
You won't have to worry about luck for a long time.
Good.
We need to start winning again.