Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e05 Episode Script


Do you know I have a yellow belt in three different martial arts? It's true.
I'd show you, but I don't want to kill you.
Drink, drink, drink, drink! Hey, hey.
Whose phone is that? Cut the music, Donnie.
I'm gonna close my eyes and count to three and when I open them, somebody will be answering their phone! Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink It's coming from in here.
Whassup? You've reached the Goat House.
We can't make it to the phone right now because we're probably partying super hard Uh, nope.
On top of the fridge.
It's here.
Check the refrigerator.
We'll get back to you ASAP.
BMS, party on! What the hell is it? It's an answering machine.
Hey, it's me.
This is awkward, but I'm pregnant.
So we need to figure this out.
I'm keeping it, and I have expectations.
Call me back.
Come on, girls.
Daddy, daddy! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
What is it? This! Jon Jon, get him off the field.
Go back to Mommy.
You know I saw Joe the other day? Joe who? Joe, your son.
He's still bartending.
Hey, maybe you should invite him to the field sometime.
He wouldn't come.
We're not getting any younger, Marty.
Will you start the frigging practice? Dude, why would you use condoms? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of in my life.
Are you serious right now? This woman, whoever she is, is obviously trying to trap me.
She knows I'll be making billions next year when I go pro and she's just looking to cash in.
Man, whatever, man.
That message was for me.
Every successful athlete got a baby mama.
Shawn Kemp, baby mama.
Holyfield, baby mama.
Hell, even Tom Brady got a baby mama.
Man, that baby my destiny.
She called the Goat House.
I live there.
You don't.
I know it's not mine.
I use condoms.
And since nobody else on this team does, I'd say the odds are in my favor.
Condoms are for bananas.
Hey, Sammy.
Oh, hey.
How's it going? I will see you later, baby, okay? You bet you will.
Oh, who's that? That's my new girlfriend.
Does she give great slow blows? Yes, she does.
Way too hot for me, right? Absolutely.
I know.
Slow blows? I never heard of that.
Yeah, neither did I.
But, man, were we missing out.
Man, I'd pay $500 just to get a picture of those girls in the shower.
Wa-bam! Check this out, look at this.
Postgame, pregame No way! Look at this.
That's your Isn't that your sister? Yeah.
She walked into my shot accidentally.
And that one That's your sister? She walked in on that one.
That's her too.
She walked in on that one too.
That's kinda weird, man.
She keeps walking in.
Here's the list of all the sloots I've boned in the last nine months.
Now, I've run out of chalk, so let's start by seeking out the girls in the vengeful category.
During interrogations, do not let them fool you.
They may seem harmless.
But some women will be very, very smart.
I'm gonna make a great father.
Lot of people don't know this, but I'm a great listener.
I only do it in the butt, 'cause then girls can't get pregnant that way.
Right? Yeah.
You writing down baby names too? No, no, no.
I'm gonna take a victory lap.
I'm going to stop by and say hi to all the girls that I've ever slept with the whole time I've been here.
It's kind of a good way to reconnect.
What's the numbers for? For the rankings? Damn, that's a great system.
Isn't that great? My system is, I just ask everybody.
That's good.
Hey! What's up girl.
You pregnant? No.
And that's why they call it the buddy system.
Okay, let's get out there and find those sloots.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Hi, handsome.
Hey, Joe! Joe! How you doing? Still being super gay, Dad.
Thanks for asking.
That's good.
Hey, I want you to come by the field this week.
Maybe we can just spend some time, like Back in the old days.
Why, are you dying? No, no.
Can we go talk someplace else? Why, is something bothering you? This is my boyfriend, by the way.
You know what? This was a mistake.
Yeah, it was.
What did you want to talk about, anyway? Cheating on our wives? Putting a football team before our own families? Drinking Budweisers? I don't drink Budweisers.
Marty Daniels, everybody! He's a shitty dad, but what a coach! Come on, give me a shot.
Okay, go.
Man! Oh, I forgot how good hard liquor tastes.
And how I used to drink it all the time, but It made me kinda crazy, you know what I mean? I think I do! What do you say we pound one more beer Okay.
Then you give me one of your famous slow blows? As you wish.
Awesome! My God, I can't believe how much fun we have together.
You're surprised that I'm fun? Oh, no.
It's an expression.
What, normally I bore you? Am I not Not good enough for you, hmm? No, no, no, no.
No, no, okay, okay.
You know what? Let's just forget I said anything, and we get to the slow blow? Slow blow, yeah.
All right, yeah, sure.
That sounds great.
How about this for a slow blow? What do you want? My name is Thad Castle.
We boned recently, and I want to make sure you're not pregnant.
Read this aloud, por favor.
"Hey, it's me.
This is awkward, but I'm pregnant.
" That's great.
Now try it in your real voice.
Alex? Darlene? I was in the area, and I just wanted to stop by and say hello.
You aren't pregnant by any chance, are you? No.
That's good.
That's a good sign.
Can I come in, maybe? Yeah.
Just out of the shower, huh? Wait, hold on.
I forgot to ask you, are you pregnant? No.
Okay, good.
That's good.
That's That's fine.
That's great.
That's great.
Slow blows? They sound amazing! Sometimes I wish I had a penis.
Exactly! They're so good they make girls wish they had penises.
Sammy, can you take the goat head off? It's creeping me out.
Uh, I'd rather not, if that's okay.
What happened to your face? What? It looks really bad.
Okay, I get it.
You have, like, a big thing there.
I fell, okay? It's not important.
What is important is the slow blows.
Well, you are guaranteed some slow blows later today.
Karen Invited us out drinking later.
She says she gets crazy when she drinks.
Yeah Can we maybe not drink? Sammy We're drinking.
Slow blows.
Slow blows.
It's not gonna work against the 4-3.
No, we tried Ahem.
Hey, you made it.
Uh, Dad, I, uh I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you the other night.
I was rocking a serious pinot hangover and I would like to make it up to you.
Uh, Dimitri made us reservations at a really expensive restaurant.
Will you come? You mean, right now? I know.
Football practice.
Sure, sure.
Yeah, I'll come.
Let's go.
Alex! Jill.
Hey, what's going on? Hi Oh, charming.
Is this making you uncomfortable? No.
So, Demitri, what is it that you do? What do I do? What a weird question.
That is a weird question.
Who says that? You're shitting me! Oh, for Christ's sake.
Mom! You made it.
You remember Dad, right? Of course you pull this shit on the day I run out of my Xanax.
Oh, I have some for you.
My dog has a prescription.
To the best big brother in the entire world.
And his new girlfriend.
And to the best boyfriend in the world, and his sister.
Slow blows! Slow blows! Whoo, I'm on fire! I'm gonna go get us another bottle.
Good idea.
I might have to throw up a little bit first.
Man, what a great day, huh? What is happening? Ah, ah, ah! You son of a bitch! I can see the way you're looking at her.
She's my sister! What is with all that "best brother in the world" bullshit? You like making me mad.
No, no, I hate it.
I hate it.
When this is over, I am gonna give you the slowest blow you have ever had.
I am so confused.
I am so confused right now.
Hey, guys, we've got to drink this quick.
I have class in 15 minutes.
What happened to you? It's just real dry in here.
Oh, wow.
Oh my God.
It's not yours.
Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
I, uh I met a guy in New York, and we're in love.
Oh, you're in love, huh? What's that like? It's pretty fun, actually.
That's good.
Is he home? I'm not sleeping with you.
What? No, I I wanted to meet him.
Although I am absolutely flattered that I made it into your top 50.
I thought you were higher on that list.
A victory lap in the fall of your sophomore year.
That's ballsy.
Pretty ballsy.
No, a woman called the Goat House.
She said she was pregnant.
No name, no number.
I thought, what the hell, right? The Goat House has a phone? Yeah.
Like a landline? I know, right? Who would have that number? Old cheerleaders, booster girls, prostitutes, you know? Mmm-hmm.
Holy shit.
I know who it is.
Thank you.
I love you.
You know what I meant by that, right? We're good? Yeah.
Hey, good luck with that.
Okay, thank you.
Name it after me.
So let's play break the ice.
I'll go first.
When I was 10, my Dad cheated on my Mom with an aerobics instructor.
Then to get back at him, my Mom cheated on my Dad with his boss, the Dean of Blue Mountain State, who she later married.
Actually it was a yoga instructor.
Actually, she was just a flexible whore.
A little more flexible than you.
Really? Your boss isn't complaining.
Yeah, well, I remember I'm gay! Hey, will you sit down? You're making a scene.
You sit down.
Sit down, Joe.
Shut up, Ma! Hey, don't talk to your mother like that! What do you want from us? We've given you everything.
I want $5,000.
Oh, jeez.
Excuse me? $5,000 and the past is forgiven.
Let me think about it.
I can't wait to reconnect with you, Dad.
I think the ad reads pretty well.
And that picture is badass.
Man, I done talked to 900 girls and none of them got my baby in them.
You know, I think I'm gonna hit up my favorite gas station, just in case.
I've got it! I know who it is.
I can't believe I didn't recognize her voice before.
Listen to it again.
Uh, hey, Beavis? This is Butthead.
Hey, just kidding, guys.
It's Dave! Hey, it's me.
This is awkward, but I'm pregnant.
Think about it! She called the Goat House landline.
Who's old enough to have that number? I'll give you a hint.
We've all had sex with her within the past nine months.
Hmm? Wait a minute.
Oh yeah.
What took you so long? I don't understand.
I thought having sex with you was supposed to bring us good luck, not bad luck.
Is this team not undefeated? Every good thing comes with a price.
And the price for your undefeated season happens to be a baby.
It can't be mine, right? Harmon, you can't get pregnant in the butt.
Just double-checking.
See you later, suckers.
All right, bro.
Listen, I called the Goat House because this baby Could be any of yours.
Well, there's only one way to settle this.
Paternity test.
I already dropped my blood samples off at the hospital, just in case.
That's good.
A broken jaw, and then I get a slow blow So that's not bad.
Fingers up the nose, and then a slow blow.
So again, slow blow wins.
Is Karen hurting you? You don't knock anymore, really? Shut up.
Is she? Mary Jo, I know you're mad, but hear me out.
The slow blows are worth it, okay? Oh wait.
Is it Is that Ew.
That's my tooth.
God damn it, Sammy! I knew it.
Okay, listen Karen's on her way over to slow blow me now.
I'd appreciate it if you left.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
Is that the money? Yeah, it is.
Yes! Congrats, Dad.
You have a son again.
Yeah, what's up? What are they doing in the hospital? Hey, remember me? Your gay son who you abandoned? All right, I'll be right there.
Come on, hand over the money so we can be a family again.
I got a hundred football players who are in the hospital right now and I don't know why.
You know, they never ask me for anything, except guidance, and they treated me with respect.
Respect? You never accepted me.
You're right.
I didn't.
And I always thought it was because of this whole gay thing.
But it wasn't, because I don't care if you wrap your dick in Rainbow Fruit Roll-Ups and watch Wizard of Oz But what I won't accept is the fact that you're a disrespectful, manipulative little prick.
And you know what, Joey? You're cut.
You can't cut me! You're cut! Sammy? Hi, Sammy baby.
Who is ready for their slow blow? I am.
All done.
What are you doing here? You like hurting my brother? Yes, she does, but she also gives great slow blows.
Shut up, Sammy! What are you gonna do? Are you gonna punch me in the face Ooh! What are you doing? You know why I beat him? Why? Because he's in love with you.
Yeah, right! Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Then why did I find naked pictures of her on your cell phone, huh? Wa-bam! You have naked pictures of me on your phone? Not just you.
There's There's other photos on there.
Oh, shit.
Well I guess if we learned anything this week, it's double-bagging it's never a bad idea, hmm? And I learned that women can never be trusted.
Hey, I don't care whose baby this is.
I'm raising it like it's my own.
Even if you don't want me to.
And I want you all to know, I love you guys.
I lost a son today.
But you know what? I got 100 sons, right here.
Bring it in.
Come here, guys.
And I mean that.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
You guys are my boys, I'm telling you.
Guys, we need to talk.
You're gonna be our MILF.
And we're gonna raise this baby as our own, together, at the Goat House.
I'm gonna raise this baby.
I thought about it, and I don't want to know who the father is.
My BMS boys need to keep their minds focused Congratulations, Marty Daniels.
Make that 101 sons, Coach.
Right? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mary Jo, what happened? Mascot.
He fell.
Slow blows.
This is slow blows.
Slow blows.
Slow blows.
Tonight's episode featured music by The Stereotypes.
Available now, at bms.