Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e06 Episode Script


Miss Cacciatore, your guidance counselor here informs me that you entered my university two months ago on a full academic scholarship, and are now in danger of flunking out.
My guidance counselor's a dick.
You're pre-med yet you haven't attended a single lab.
Who are you again? I'm your dean! Oh, yeah.
You know, I see students like you every year.
You think college is a four-year party.
Well, I mean, I'm standing four feet away and I can smell the alcohol off you.
It's hot.
I'm sweating it out.
You know, I think you need a little reminder of what this university is really about.
Check this out.
Oh! Movies! I love movies.
* Deep within the mountains of blue * There's a university that's perfect for you * Where education is priority one * Get a major in knowledge while you minor in fun * BMS BMS * Who is BMS I am BMS.
I am BMS.
* BMS BMS * Who is BMS We are BMS.
I am BMS.
Hi, I'm Dean Simon.
Enroll now and score a touchdown in education.
* BMS BMS * You are BMS God, that was good.
I guess what I'm saying, Miss Cacciatore, is that the time has come to step up or Miss Cacciatore! I just have to pee real quick.
Someone drink with me! Come on.
I'm in.
Mary Jo, why aren't you drinking with him? Some Dean guy put me on academic probation.
Wait, they have that here? Apparently.
I got it.
Homework delivery for Alex Moran.
What'd you say, Glasses? I'm having trouble hearing you through those thick glasses, Glasses.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on.
Hey Thanks, Gary.
What would I do without you? Learn something.
Whoa! Are you giving him sass, Glasses? 'Cause I'll break your goddamn Okay, yeah.
Appreciate it.
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me? Yeah.
That nerd's a nerd, man.
Jocks like us don't talk to nerds, we prank them.
Sammy, you're not a jock.
Good one.
I'm not a jock.
Who's pranking who now? Excuse me.
Stop talking.
Look at me.
I am pleased to announce that this year your combined team GPA is the highest in BMS football history.
What's a GPA? Who are you? I am your dean.
I'm looking for Alex Moran.
You're not being punished.
You're being published.
Your paper, Superman's Brother, An Expanded Theory of Reality, Published? is lighting up the academic community.
Tell me, with all of your practices, where did you find the time to write such a sophisticated piece of work? It happened, I guess.
We are going to be giving a banquet in your honor.
And You are going to be giving a presentation on this paper.
You did write the paper, correct? I mean, I'd hate to find out otherwise.
Yeah, I accept your proposal and I'll do your presentation.
Great! Cool.
That's impressive.
It's not impressive.
He didn't do shit.
His nerd did everything for him.
Wait, you guys got nerds here? We don't got those in Detroit.
Everybody has their own nerd that does their work for them.
Even you.
I have my own nerd? Coach, you should be very proud of your players.
Shut up and get out.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Gary! Hey, you made it.
That's for you.
What's this? Oh, you know, the paper you wrote called Superman's Brother? It's being published.
No way! Yes way, yes.
Now I have to give a presentation at a banquet in my honor, which is a little too much attention, if you ask me.
So if you could just ease up on the effort a little, that'd be great.
Don't worry, I'll take care of the presentation.
This is so exciting.
I know.
I'm over the moon.
Hey, which one of y'all in here is Radon Randell's nerd? I know y'all here somewhere.
Oh, shit! You're my nerd! Whoo-hoo! I didn't know you existed, man.
I thought you was like the Tooth Fairy or something.
Like you'd just do my homework and then slide it under the professor's pillow.
You know what I'm saying? No.
My nerd! My nerd! I found I found my nerd! We about to go get drunk.
Come on, man.
You believe this shit? Nerds and jocks hanging out together.
It's disgusting.
It's gross.
You do realize you're the biggest nerd at this entire party, right? Labels, man, people calling you a nerd, people calling me the greatest quarterback that ever lived on the face of the planet, on the Earth.
We just people, man.
And when we die and come back, we come back as whatever we want.
I'm gonna come back as a rare Ferrari.
I don't feel good.
Go take a nap.
Any bed you want.
It's all good.
Hey, you want me to sing to you or some shit? I don't really know how nerds go to sleep.
No, that's all right.
I love you, my nerd brother.
Love you too, Radon.
This is a waterbed.
Best prank ever.
You're gonna be so wet.
Whoa! So what happened to no more partying? Alex, I have months of work to catch up on.
Weed helps me focus.
Oh, my God, my waterbed! My friend! My nerd! Man, somebody drowned my nerd.
There's no permanent damage, but there's no telling how long the coma will last.
It's just something to remember him by.
Nerds, we got you this.
No? Maybe later.
We are very truly sorry for your loss.
We know that you're hurting right now.
So, please, feel free to take one bonus day off of our homework.
But it's still due this week though, so if Which one of you Neanderthals did this? Hey, we're all hurting right now.
I mean, look at me.
I have to sleep in Larry's waterbed until mine gets fixed.
There's pain everywhere.
That's it.
I'm sick of us being treated as second-class citizens.
Whoa We will never do your homework ever again.
What? I don't care how much it almost gets us laid.
Nerds, make it so.
There's a protractor in there! You used to be smart, right? Yeah.
I have a presentation I have to give tomorrow on a paper I didn't even write called Superman's Brother.
Superman didn't have a brother.
That's what I thought too.
I'm so confused.
I haven't even read the paper.
I can't get the paper.
Nobody wants to give me the paper.
They don't want to explain the paper.
They don't explain what's in the box.
I don't know what's What is this? Look.
Black Power? Really? I have no idea what to do.
Alex! Relax.
You just need to focus.
I'll pack my bong.
So what do we do now? I got heuristics homework due.
I don't even know what heuristics is.
We'll just get some new nerds.
You know how many go to this school? Literally billions.
What the hellsies? Trot Evans? What are you baseball goons doing on our turf? You know the rules.
Yeah, well, the rules changed when our nerds stopped doing our homework, bro.
So now you're gonna do it.
The baseball team's nerds stopped doing homework, too, bro? It's campus-wide, bro.
Every nerd on this campus is on strike.
Bro? Bro.
This is way more serious than I thought.
I'm calling a meeting of the BMS Captains.
Captains of BMS, you are all aware of the current nerd crisis.
If this isn't resolved immediately, we might all be doing our homework.
I'd like to open the floor to any solutions you may have.
Bryce Woodsy, tennis team.
Will there at any time be food here? Um, yeah.
I think we have some food coming, Bryce.
I think we have a nice platter of knuckle sandwiches.
Do you want one? Would you like a knuckle sandwich? I'm good.
That's what I thought.
Now, does anyone have any solutions? Lucy Williams, volleyball.
I was told this meeting was for sports captains, so why is golf here? Hey, golf is a sport.
It's a hobby.
It's more like chess or checkers.
It's not a sport.
Guys, the nerd crisis! Claude Chavalier, hockey team.
Why do not we just present the nerds an option I don't understand a word you're saying, bro.
Like not even a little bit.
Not a word.
I didn't Does any Can you Sammy Cacciatore, spirit squad.
My solution pranking.
Who the hell are you, bro? I'm the jock who put that nerd in a coma.
That's who I am, tough guy.
That was you? Yup.
Why? Because screw them.
That's why.
Okay, so, let's review, 'cause I think we were working on some really great stuff so far.
Malcolm X Yeah.
is dead.
As dead as a doorknob.
But I like that.
His light shines on through time and space.
Which is where Superman's Which is where Superman comes from.
Alex, and if Superman is from space Then so is his brother.
Yes! I like that.
I think we got it.
You guys wanted to see us? Radon? What are you wearing? Solidarity, brother.
Okay, first of all I'd like to say I think this has been hard on all of us.
Especially me.
But I think that we have an offer that everyone will be happy with.
Prepare to be pranked, nerds.
He's the one you want.
He's the one that put your nerd in a coma.
You! Take him, he's yours.
We'll leave the homework here and bid you a fond adieu.
Hey! You can't do this, you traitors! You can't do this! I'll put you in a coma! I'll put you all in comas! Marty.
To what do I owe the pleasure? So what the hell's going on? Three of my players show up late for practice today.
You know why? Because they're doing homework.
They're students first, Marty.
We had an unspoken agreement.
And all I ask you to do is just look the other way when it comes to the grades they get.
Jock assholes like you have ruled the roost for far too long.
Do you know how many papers I wrote in college that I never received credit for? I get it now.
This whole homework boycott, you put 'em up to it.
I merely ushered them toward redemption.
Tomorrow, one of your players is going to stand up and take credit for a published paper that he didn't write and he will be exposed.
And things will change.
That balance has existed for decades for a reason, nerd.
All good things must come to an end, jock.
Now get out of my office.
Okay, so what does that mean? Dennis just cast a flesh spell on your wizard.
No, man, I reversed that.
Then I stabbed his hobbit eyes out with my wizard stick.
What is this? Aren't you nerds gonna get revenge on me or something? You're one of us, Sammy.
And nerds don't hurt other nerds.
Stop saying that.
I'm not a nerd.
Yes, you are.
Look at you.
You're small as shit.
So was Doug Flutie.
You have no athletic ability.
I'd argue that.
You rarely get laid.
You do your own homework.
You're unconcerned with your personal hygiene.
Yeah, man.
Look at the way you dress.
You ain't got no style.
And the BMS Captains sold you out.
Oh, my God.
I'm a nerd.
Hey, Nerdville is not that bad.
It's okay.
Those jocks aren't gonna get away with this.
I'm just as angry as you are, Sammy, but there's nothing that we can do about it.
Oh, there's something we can do about it.
And it's called the master of all pranks.
Shit! We're late.
Wake up.
Mary Jo, wake up.
When did you get here? I got here last night.
We figured this out.
Right? Did we figure this out? Do you remember what we figured out? No.
But maybe if we smoke some weed we'll figure it out.
Yeah, that's good.
All right.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Did we If we don't remember It doesn't count? My favorite subject? English, 'cause I love words.
I love hearing them.
I love saying them.
Right there was a perfect example of a sentence.
See, that's what I just did.
I've been doing it my whole life.
I'm getting pretty good now.
I also like paragraphs.
I love commas.
Periods and exclamate Exma Es The thing with the dot underneath.
Sammy, this master prank, I agree that a point needs to be made here, but perhaps we can do a better job.
Gary, I'm running the show now, okay, pal? They're not getting away with putting Al in a coma.
But you put Al in a coma.
He had it coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am your dean.
Now, being a dean is like being a gardener who grows flowers of enlightenment.
Well, today I'd like to introduce you to one of the brightest flowers in my garden.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Alex Moran.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
I can't Trust the weed.
Nerd! Hi.
Thank you, Dean.
What is a presentation? Superman would know that.
But has he ever been to Asia? Probably.
He flies around a lot.
Yes! And through his determination he solved the Rubik's Cube.
I thought this was supposed to be about wormholes? The thing about Superman is You know, sometimes Superman forgets his brother who sits in his shadow.
Sure, he can't throw the football as well as Superman can, right? But does that mean that he shouldn't be appreciated? No way.
I got a confession I've got to make.
He's gonna confess.
We got to call it off.
That's the go signal from Gary.
Let's do this.
Don't do it, son.
It wasn't me who Since the beginning of time, the nerd has been oppressed by the jock.
That ends today.
And I want you to look deep into the face of the nerd who's gonna do it.
It's our homework.
Gary, I'm sorry about everything that happened.
All right? I'm gonna make it up to you.
Gary, this is Lisa.
Lisa, this is Gary.
Have fun.
That was sweet of you.
Everything really worked out for everyone.
Didn't it? Yeah.