Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e07 Episode Script

Debra

That is what I'm talking about! All right, listen up, guys.
That game you played out there today was perfect! Yeah! Those pussies wanted nothing to do with you.
Nothing! You played like a family.
You played like brothers.
I've never had a brother, Coach.
Well, Thad, today you have a locker room full of brothers.
Hey, Coach, can I say something to the team? Radon, the way you played today, you can say anything you want.
Come on out here.
Thanks, man.
Yo, I want everybody to tune into my new TV show I've got coming out this week.
It's called Dreams with Radon Randell.
People call in with questions, and I answer them in an inspirational way.
Weeknights, 10:00 p.
m.
Dreams, Radon Randell.
Be there.
Wow, I'm inspired already.
Okay, let's hit the showers.
Showers! Yeah! Back alimony? Well, when Warren and I got married, you still owed me $60,000.
That money doesn't just go away.
I see what's going on with you two.
I'm winning, and it pisses you off because it makes it impossible for you to get rid of me.
What do you think about Mexico for a nice vacation with the money? I love it.
Oh, I love you.
I love you more than you do.
Don't forget to drink the water.
Bro.
Bro.
Come on, man, what you talking about? You ain't got no dreams? Everybody got dreams.
You've got dreams.
What's your dream? I'd like to bang the Dean's wife though.
Now see, that's a fantastic dream.
Call into my show and I'll see if I can't make that happen for you.
No, no, I'll just handle that on my own.
Bro.
Hey, do you think now that we're bros that makes me half black? * Fries on the side to make me jealous * You're the mustard, I'm the relish * I wish I could forget what you did * Yeah.
Okay, ladies! All right, let's go! It's time to get back to the practice! Let's go! Honk, honk! Hey, music class is in Building C, pal, so Bang it.
Okay, thank you, buddy.
Good day.
Take it easy, pal.
Goodbye.
See you never.
Adios.
Ladies, let's get back to cheerleading.
Come on, time for practice.
Okay! He's so sensitive.
Hello! I'm right here.
And skinny.
"And the duck laid an egg, and so did the hen, "and the whole wide farm was happy again.
" Thank you so much for coming.
Remember, reading is important.
I just gotta say, and you tell me if I'm out of line, you brought that book to life.
I was on that farm, you know, with the hens and the I'm Alex Moran.
Oh, Alex Moran, the quarterback that lost the Cypress Bowl last year? "Lost" is so harsh.
I like to think I "un-won" that game.
Wait, you don't happen to be Dean Simon's wife? Cut the bullshit.
Okay.
I want to take you to a party tonight.
I think it'd be fun.
How high are you? I'm not high.
Why, you want to get high? We can get high.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
Have fun sitting on the bench this season.
Okay, but if you change your mind, I mean, it's tonight at the Goat House.
Bring your friends.
Dreams! Hello, caller.
Dreams! Oh, hello.
I'm Radon Randell.
You're watching Dreams.
Every Saturday, I inspire you on the field.
Now let me inspire you in your everyday life.
Oh, seems we have a caller.
Hello, caller.
You're on with Radon.
Hey, my name is Sister.
What's up, Sister? Well, my brother and I have a special relationship.
He grabs my boobs in public and honks them.
What? We fake blow each other a lot.
We fake bang at parties.
Well, anyway, it's starting to get in the way of me meeting guys.
I bet.
So what should I do? Wait, you said this is your brother we're talking about, right? Uh-huh.
All right, well, hey, you've got to live your dreams.
And your dreams tell you that you want to meet guys, then you've got to stop fake banging your brother at parties and meet guys.
Love, inspiration Dreams.
* Breath on my breath * It leaves me breathless * I thought I told you my heart was not one * You want to mess with What's with the breathless wonder? Dude, that guy pulls serious beave.
He sang me a song the other day about a girl's freckles.
I was bawling my eyes out.
Of course you were.
* Your heart should have never been one * That I should have messed with * Sammy, what the hell? Yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Keep playing.
What's going on? You always laugh when I fake blow you.
What? No, I don't.
Because of him? Hey, man, I'm Dando.
Yeah? Yeah.
Dando what? That's it.
Just one name.
Dando.
Wow.
That is so cool.
Hey, you want to know my name? Yeah.
It's stay away from my sister.
Bang it.
* Breath on your breath * To leave you breathless Alex! Debra, you made it.
Barely.
Bartender, two shots.
Welcome to the Goat House.
Please, it's not like I haven't been here before.
I was banging guys on the front lawn long before you were born.
Shall we retire to the front lawn then? You got a bathroom that we can do it in? Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Come on.
Okay.
Hi, Thad.
Hi.
Bye, Thad.
Bye.
Morning, Captain.
Do you know who that was? Yeah, it's the Dean's wife.
She was classy.
Oh, you need a new sink upstairs, by the way.
Bro, she's not just the Dean's wife.
She's Coach's ex-wife.
Bro.
He don't have to know.
Bro, I gotta tell.
No, Thad.
Thad you don't have to tell Coach.
I gotta tell him.
No, no, no.
I Bro code.
We're brothers, right? And bro's don't tell on other bros.
You don't have to tell me about the bro code.
I pretty much invented it.
Your secret's safe with me.
Did you splooge? I feel like I'm losing my sister.
Yesterday she got pissed at me 'cause I was honking her boobs and fake blowing her.
Why were you honking her boobs? That's our thing.
We've been doing it since we were little kids.
Then that prick Dando comes along and Look, the thing about guys like Dando is that the power is in their guitar.
You get the guitar out of his hands, I guarantee you Mary Jo will lose interest.
Hey, coffee break's over.
Get in there.
Now.
Wow.
He looks pissed.
I know.
Shit.
I'll talk to you later, all right? Bro, does Coach know? Bro, if he found out, he'd machete your ass.
Debra and him divorced five years ago.
I heard it was a bloodbath.
That year, a player mysteriously lost his scholarship when Coach overheard him mention that Debra had killer titties, bro.
He can never find out.
Shit.
What was that all about, bro? Can't say.
Bro code.
Okay, so a bro of mine, I can't say who, but somebody's screwing somebody's ex-wife.
But that's all I can say.
That's it.
But which bro is your bro? The bro doing the banging or the bro with the ex-wife? I guess they're both my bros.
Sounds like you got yourself a moral dilemma, bro.
Oh, wow! There's my sexy little quarterback.
Holy shit.
Look, I had a lot of fun the other night, but I had no idea that you were the Coach's ex-wife.
And if he finds out, I'm He'll kill me.
Him finding out is a risk you're gonna have to take.
Don't you like taking risks? Mmm-hmm.
Then we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
Now stop thinking with this Mmm-hmm.
and start thinking with this.
Okay.
Yeah, I can do that.
Mmm-hmm.
Dreams! Hello, caller.
Dreams! Hello, there.
I'm Radon Randell and you're watching Dreams.
Hello, caller.
How can I make your dream come true? Hello, this is Chad.
I'm having bro-code loyalty issues.
Please state your problem in the form of a dream.
One of my bros slept with another bro's ex-wife, and my dream is that you'll tell me what to do about it.
Okay, now the bro code, that can be complex.
But hold on, I'm gonna break it down for you.
Now first of all, if you run into a sticky situation with two bros, then you have to be most loyal to the one that can do the most damage to you, all right? Love, inspiration Dreams.
* Breath on your breath * To leave me breathless * I thought I told you my heart was not one * You should mess with * Still I can't forget what you did * What is your problem? What's my problem? He's my problem and you're my problem.
You used to be fun and now all you do is sit around and listen to shitty guys playing shitty music on their shitty guitars.
This guitar cost my dad $7,000.
Oh, great! He's rich, too.
You know what? You can have her, Dando.
Good luck to the both of you.
Good.
Go.
See if I care.
You're so immature sometimes! Hey, bro, Coach wants to see you in his office.
About what? I want to tell you, but I can't.
Bro code.
Sit down, Alex.
Did you hump my wife? No.
Okay, I'm gonna ask again, only this time louder.
Did you hump my wife? Technically she's not your wife.
Okay, it was nothing.
It was nothing.
It was only like eight or nine times.
Gee, I wonder what's going on in there.
I thought you hated the Dean.
Look, I'm sorry.
It's over.
It's over.
No, it's not.
You're gonna keep humping her.
Oh, I really don't want to.
I can take away your scholarship just as easily as I gave it to you.
I'm calling the shots here now, buddy boy.
You get it? Yeah.
So, you're gonna keep humping Debra and the next time you're in bed with her, you're going to whisper the name Ernicio.
Ernicio? So, I just want to say, you know, one more time, that I think this is a bad idea.
Oh, my.
Oh, wow.
This is not the girls' locker room.
No.
This isn't usually where I change.
Mmm-mmm.
What are you doing here? Oh, I'm just Whoop, sitting.
Well, you know what? If you behave yourself, Mmm-hmm.
maybe I'll let you see my pompoms.
I love pompoms.
You do? Mmm-hmm.
You know, your coach, he and I, we used to come in here all the time and do it.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
God, I hope he doesn't walk in.
Can you imagine? God, I would hate that.
Good lord.
God, you're sexy.
Thank you.
Ernicio.
What did you say? Ernicio? Am I pronouncing it right? Oh, God! You stupid shit.
Hey, what happened to my bro? You did this to me when you broke your stupid bro code.
I want to make this up to you, bro.
Please don't.
No, I'm gonna make this up to you.
Please don't.
Shit.
So, I see you did what I asked you to.
Tell me, what did her face look like when you mentioned Ernicio? She was pretty angry, Coach.
Then she told me to tell you Michelle Branch says hi.
That bitch! Either tell me what's going on, Coach, or I'm out.
Hey, you're out when I say you're out.
All right.
Now you're gonna take her to the Beechwood Suites tonight.
Ask for Room 277.
Oh, I really don't want to.
You're gonna do whatever twisted shit that she wants you to do.
It'll probably involve like belts or cheerleading uniforms.
Yeah, been there, done that, Coach.
Then I've arranged for a surprise visitor that's gonna blow up in her face.
We'll see who's laughing then.
Wait, wait, Coach.
Please don't tell me you're calling the Dean.
Okay.
Yeah, ow, my face.
Alex Moran.
Yeah? You're under arrest.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Debra! Yeah? Debra, there's something I gotta tell you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, God, it is so hot that you want to keep this going even though Marty knows.
It's such a turn-on, I can't even tell you.
Debra.
Yeah? Debra, I think he's setting us up.
Don't answer that.
Who's at the door? It's your husband.
My husband? What? Daniels did it.
I didn't I'm not in control of the situation.
Who cares? He'll leave.
Just be quiet.
Oh, no, he won't.
Oh, yeah, he will.
Trust me.
Be quiet.
Debra, come on.
You're a bitch.
God.
Coach? You son of a bitch.
Shit.
What are you doing here? Oh, my God.
What the Okay! There it is.
Okay, I'd like to leave.
Is there a key or something I could get? Yeah, so I think, I mean I'm probably just gonna, like, take over my dad's business when I graduate.
I mean, he's got sick benefits.
So, when do you get that new guitar again? Hey, everyone shut up! I'm gonna sing a song.
Oh, no.
I wrote this song about 20 minutes ago.
It's for my sister Mary Jo.
She's sitting right there.
Yeah.
* I said I'm sorry * That I broke your boyfriend's shitty guitar * I said I'm sorry that I broke Your brother sucks.
* your shitty boyfriend's guitar * I said I'm sorry that I broke Let's go smoke some cigarettes outside the student union.
Actually, you should go alone.
You love this shitty music? Well, no, I hate this music.
It's probably the worst song I've ever heard in my life, but I love what it means.
* That I broke your shitty boyfriend's guitar I love who's playing it.
So I'm sorry, Dando.
Don't call me Dando.
* I said I'm sorry * That I broke your boyfriend's shitty guitar What? * I said I'm sorry that I Sammy, stop.
You can stop.
I'm sorry for breaking your shitty boyfriend's guitar.
I heard that.
And he's not my boyfriend.
Yes! Bang it.
One last time? Sure, last time.
I missed you so much, Sammy.
Guys.
Guys.
Coach.
Coach, I'm still here.
Have you got keys? Can I get keys? Thank you.
Whoops-a-daisy.
Thanks, guys.
Look, I got a question.
Who's Ernicio? It's the name of my dick.
Okay, so Michelle Branch is Un-huh.
Okay, cool.
Have fun, guys.
Baby, yeah.
Be safe.
Dreams! Hello, caller.
Dreams! Oh, hello.
I'm Radon Randell and you're watching Dreams.
The boards are lighting up.
Hello, caller.
It's me, Thad Castle, the captain of your football team.
How are you doing, Thad? What's your dream? Well, based on bad advice you gave me, I sold out a bro and now he's totally screwed.
Okay, so your dream is you want to make good with your bros, right? No, actually my dream is to get your stupid show off the air.
Umm, well, I guess if that's your dream, then I have to tell you how to get my show off the air.
Fine.
If you want to get this show off the air, then the first thing you have to do is write or email the TV station's supervisor.
And what's that email? It's my dream to get that email.
You got a pen? Dreams.