Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e09 Episode Script

The Badger

I'm all excited, Booms, because joining us in the studio right now are two of the guys that play for Blue Mountain State.
My main man, Thad Castle and Radon Randell, rivalry weekend! Big game this weekend, boys, against Overland U.
Listen, Thad, last year your defense got ripped at the end of the year.
You guys were thoroughly embarrassed in the Cypress Bowl.
What's different this year? I feel I've really matured as a leader, Boomer.
I did It's me.
I'm the difference.
I wasn't quarterback last year.
I'm quarterback this year.
End quote.
Jeez! Talk much? Hang on a sec, guys.
A lot of people wanna talk about the big rivalry game, so let's take some calls.
Let's go to Jay in Phoenixville, on The Fan with Boomer and Carton.
Jay, how you doing today, kiddo? Yeah, I'm a student at Overland.
And yesterday our mascot, Landy the Badger, was stolen.
Do these guys know anything about that? Hey, caller, try this one on for size! Thad, they can't see you.
You can see me.
Sit down, just sit down.
Next caller.
No, no, not next caller.
This is worth investigating.
Because last year Overland U killed your mascot, and now this year their badger's missing.
You guys are gonna tell us you know nothing about that? I didn't steal any badger, but if someone did, I would say that shows pretty strong team leadership skills.
Man, what's wrong with you weirdoes stealing animals? Animals don't play the game! Look, if you want to steal something, steal my arm.
You see this right here? This is what's killing y'all.
Y'all need to steal this.
Is that a challenge, my man? - Yes.
Look, I'll give $1,000 to any Overland fan that can come steal my arm.
How that sound? It sounds pretty stupid.
I think it's time for you guys just to button it up.
Why don't you guys do yourselves a favor and get the hell out of the studio right now before you cause more damage to the program? You're welcome, man.
It was my pleasure.
Thank you.
Coming to you live from BMS, Thad Castle.
Twenty four hour tailgate party, rivalry weekend! Whoo-hoo! This is amazing! We should do this every weekend.
I know, right? The only downfall of playing on the football team is that you never get to tailgate the games.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Sammy, could you pass me another beer, please? Sure.
Thanks, man.
Hey-o! Thank you, bud.
Why is the goat here again? I'm not letting him out of my sights this year, Alex.
Overland killed Billy One last year.
I'm not letting it happen again.
I thought you killed Billy One last year.
Tomatoes, potatoes, bro.
Gee, wow! Look at that! Wow! Hey, uh, Big bro.
I've been meaning to tell you something.
Um The cheerleaders, they made this vote.
And they decided that I'm in charge of Billy Two this year.
You gotta be kidding me, right? Girls, really? Yeah, look down, look down.
Okay, give me the rope.
Give me the rope.
Please let go of it.
Give me the rope.
This is all I have.
Give me the rope.
You want it? It's yours.
I'm giving you all the rope you need to hang yourself.
And when you do, I'll be laughing.
It's all yours.
Knock knock! Who's there? Team captain.
Team captain who? Team captain saying that no more beer and it's time for practice.
Go! Blue 16! Blue 16! Isn't this bounty thing just a little dangerous, Coach? I mean, if he goes down, then I gotta start, right? Your breath, it smells like hot dogs, Moran.
It's It's bratwurst.
Set! Hut-hut! Hut-hut! Overland! Ahhh! Shit.
Ahhh! We're under attack! Protect the goat! Yeah, that's gonna protect him all right.
You want these Benjamins, huh? You want this arm? Not today, bitch! This money going back to the bank tomorrow! Tell your friends.
You stole our badger! You stole our badger! All right, everybody in the locker room! Practice is over! Radon, pack a bag.
You're staying with me tonight.
Oh, sorry, Coach.
We've got a game tomorrow and I got pre-rituals I gotta attend to That wasn't a suggestion.
Hey, get this goddamn money off your arm.
Coach, as team captain, I feel like player safety is my jurisdiction.
Let me protect him.
Did you steal that badger, hmm? I didn't, Coach.
No? Look, this team cannot afford any distractions.
Enough with the pranks.
Stop acting like a cheerleader and act like a captain.
Team meeting at the goat house! Is this something I could tailgate? No, absolutely not! Shit.
I said no tailgating.
I thought you said yes.
Everybody, listen up.
Those douchebags at Overland think the game begins tomorrow.
But it begins tonight.
Gentlemen, I give you the Overland badger! Kill it! We're not gonna kill it.
Shut up.
But what I am gonna do as team captain is remove and eat this badger's balls.
Why? - To inspire you.
To solidify the legend that will be my captainship, and to send a message to those pussies at Overland.
Maybe if you're lucky, I'll let one of you eat a ball with me.
A future captain perhaps.
No, yeah, this is This is great! Right, Captain Harmon? No, it's a terrible idea, man.
Yeah, no, yeah.
I've been feeding him cherry vodka martinis all night, so he should be pretty groggy by now.
Oh, geez! Harmon, you do it.
Hell no, man.
Somebody just get his balls out of him.
Alex, somebody, do something.
Harmon Everybody's just looking at me right now and I need help! Put him on his back.
Step on him! Throw something at him! Don't let him out the door! No! It wasn't my fault.
It was Moran! The smell of the hot dogs made him go crazy! You all saw it.
Let's look at this as a blessing in disguise, huh? Overland loses a mascot, we still win.
Let's tailgate! - Yeah! No! I made a promise to this team.
Nobody wins until those badger's balls are in my mouth.
Wow, Coach.
You got robbed.
Yeah, I did.
By my ex-wife.
Okay, this is how it's gonna work.
You're gonna stay out of my way and I'm gonna stay out of your way.
Hey, Coach, as long as I'm able to do my rituals, then I'm good.
Look, I need an ice bath at 10:15, I need a three-brown-egg omelet at midnight, I need homemade baklava, I need three cases of whipped cream, and I need the thermostat set to 17 degrees Celsius.
None of that Fahrenheit bullshit.
Oh, hold on.
That's probably for me.
Don't worry about it.
Hey! Hey, hey, ladies! What's going on? Hey, hey, hey! Radon, absolutely not.
It's not gonna happen in my house.
Hey, listen, I'm undefeated this season, Coach, when I do my ritual.
You wouldn't wanna start messing with that, now would you? Who are the girls? They're my chefs.
I hear something.
There's no one here.
Oh, hey! Look at the cute little guy.
Where's the rest of the team? I said 11:00.
We've got a game in the morning.
Shut up and load your tranquilizer rifle.
We had a family of badgers in my yard when I was growing up.
Those things killed our German shepherd, man.
They're dangerous.
Danger is my maiden name, brobeans.
Middle name.
Danger's your middle name.
My middle name is Devlin.
All right, I'll figure something out.
I'll call you back, all right? Hey, can you believe this? They shut down tailgating because of this stupid badg Hey, whoa! What's going on? Welcome to the hunt.
The hunt? This is crazy.
That thing just attacked two people.
If inspiring my team is crazy, then lock me up and throw away the key.
What did you just do? I thought it was the badger.
It's a goat.
It looks nothing like a badger.
He's fine.
He just gonna sleep for a while.
Oh! We need to hunt this badger.
Let's just go.
Not as easy as it looks.
Is it, huh? Hey, Coach, what you still doing up, man? I never sleep before a game.
Hey, old people need to sleep, man.
Me? I can stay up for days.
How are you supposed to coach me tomorrow if you don't got your rest? Here.
Take one of these pills.
Hey, I been doing this before you were born.
I don't need your pills.
Leave me alone.
All right, Coach.
Have a good night.
One more thing to remember.
Badgers are great climbers, so always look above you.
Can I just say one more time this is a really bad idea? He's been crawling for the past three blocks.
Why are we wearing bright orange? So other hunters don't shoot us.
This is a terrible idea.
Badgers kill.
I agree with Harmon.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
Just shut up.
Did you hear that? What? That was a test.
Moran, you passed.
Donnie, Harmon, where are you going? I'm out.
Where's everybody going? Somebody help us! Cowards! The thing about protecting a mascot, Mary Jo, is you gotta expect the unexpected.
What are you doing? This is a trick I saw on a medical show once.
I used to use it on Grandma when she'd O.
See, the Vaseline, it loosens up the butthole.
And then, the ice cubes slide right in.
Wait, you did this to Grandma? Yup.
No wonder why she hates us.
Okay, put these on.
I need you to hold the tail up.
Wish I could, but my hands are kind of full.
When we take the field today, all the talk, all the distractions, they go away.
Then it's just us and those ugly, ugly shitbags on the other sideline.
How was that? Not angry enough.
I'll get there.
These pre-game speeches are a bitch and a half, I'm telling you.
Hey, Radon.
Where did all these people come from? These are all the people that's been here, Coach.
I feel I feel drunk.
Oh, God.
Don't worry about that.
That's just the E kicking in, Coach.
What's E? Oh, E is just something that's gonna relax you.
It'll wear off before game time.
I am missing the biggest tailgate of the year because we're hunting this stupid badger.
This is not stupid! This is stupid! Why don't you think of something just once? Why do we have all these dart guns and stuff? I swear Wait.
We've been going about this all wrong.
What? The cops banned tailgating tonight.
Why? I don't know.
Because badgers are attracted to meat.
We stop hunting the badger and we make the badger come to us.
We tailgate.
That's crazy.
I love it! Whoo-hoo! Fifteen seconds, Coach.
Is that all? I felt like I was down there for an hour.
You know, I'm a blessed man, Radon.
Oh, is that so? Oh, yeah.
I mean, look at this.
Look at my house here.
I own this.
Oh, that's cool, man.
Yeah, it is cool.
Because it tells me that every day that I go to work, I get paid to do something I love with people that I love.
Not many people can say that.
I love you, Radon.
Oh, yeah.
I love you too, Coach.
Yeah, come over here.
You know what? I love our team.
I mean, I love our team too, Coach.
I mean, everybody except the Captain.
The Captain? That's who I love the best.
The thing about Thad is, all he does is care.
He'd light his mother on fire if it would help us win a game.
That's why he's the first sophomore that I ever named captain.
Well, I can't wait to be the second.
I love you, Radon, but you're not captain material.
A captain has to be selfless.
And you're a great athlete, but all you care about is yourself.
Okay, I'm gonna go under for 30 seconds.
Okay, can't wait to see that.
Oh, I'm telling you, the smell of tailgating is just irresistible, even to a badger.
This is a great idea, Moran.
Who knew you had it in you? I mean, we knew the badger had a lot of vodka.
The next logical step is hot dogs.
Then when he passes out, bam! I'm eating his balls.
You know? Totally.
Are you okay? I'm a shitty captain.
No, you're not.
My team abandoned me.
I held that badger up in front of the entire team and said, "I'm gonna eat this badger's balls.
" If I don't, no one's gonna follow me on that field tomorrow.
Look, don't cry, all right? Come on.
I mean, there'll be other mascot balls you can eat.
Look, we're gonna find that badger and you're gonna eat his balls.
And then you're gonna lead us right out onto that field tomorrow.
Right, Captain? You really think so? The badger doesn't stand a chance.
What in the What up though, Big J? Where's Coach? Well Jesus Christ, Marty! It's game time.
All right, this is the one.
Well, I'm out of ideas.
Big brother to the rescue once again! Oh, and here we go.
Bingo! Yeah.
Oh, what do we got here? No, no, no, that's a bad idea.
I can save this goat.
You're just gonna have to trust your big brother.
Can you do that? One Two Three! I did it! I did it! Oh, my God.
Yes, I did it.
We did it.
Yeah! I did it! I'm sorry.
You owe me so much.
I did it! a few hours away from kickoff as this bitter rivalry adds another chapter to its colorful history.
Yes, football fans, the grudge between Hey, Mary Jo, what's up? quarterback, Radon Randell and Thad Castle stick it to What? Where's the badger? You just missed him.
Holy shit! Did the badger do that? Is that the goat? What's left of him.
Oh, this is all my fault.
The team is gonna hate me so much.
The team's gonna hate her even more.
Wait a second.
We might be able to fix this.
Really? Really? Um No, not you two.
We're good.
We're good? She shouldn't be in charge of the mascot.
It's just too much responsibility for her.
How you doing, Coach? I feel great.
That's the first good night's sleep I've had before a game in 25 years.
That's what I'm talking about, man! Me and Marty D, gettin' sleep, savin' the world.
Hey, hey! What happened last night, and what was said last night, that stays between you and me.
Of course, Coach.
Hey, but listen, if we win, I think you and I have found a new ritual.
Come on, Coach.
Eat the balls.
Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Eat the balls! They look a little big to be badger balls.
They look more like donkey balls or sheep balls.
This badger had big-ass balls.
That's why he was so hard to catch.
What's going on here? Just cooking up some badger balls, Coach.
Badger balls, Radon.
Now that's a captain.
Yesterday, some of you lost faith in me and it hurt.
But I hope that this proves I'm a captain worthy of leading you out on the field today.
Now who's gonna eat this other badger ball with me? Ooh I'll eat the other ball.
I'd be honored to.
Thank you, Radon.
That's very nice of you.
I now hereby award this badger ball to Alex Moran! Yeah! Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Are you serious right now? I'm begging you.
You owe me.
I know.
Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Eat the balls! Eat the balls!