Blue Mountain State (2009) s02e10 Episode Script

Hockey

Okay, ladies, here's how we're gonna do this.
I'll be flying.
You two are catching.
You're gonna do splits.
You're gonna do flips.
And you You can shake your pom-poms.
Ugh! Again? All you sluts ever let me do is shake my pom-poms.
Well, maybe if you didn't show up to practice drunk all the time, we could give you more stuff to do.
I show up buzzed, Kara.
Okay, fine.
Hey, look at this, huh? No more boozing during practice.
You like that? Now, can I do it? You know, Missy does have a sore wrist.
Okay, fine.
But just today.
Shit, yeah! All you have to do is catch me.
Okay? Yeah.
Follow Kara's lead.
No problem.
Are you ladies ready? My heel! Oh, man! These pumps were like 80 bucks, you guys.
Kate! All I'm saying is that if the coach wants us to have a four-hour practice, why can't we have five minutes to drink a cold beer? Or like nap time, huh? Oh, no, I don't take naps, man.
I don't trust 'em.
Really? I had a bad experience.
What the hell is this? It's the offseason conditioning program.
Seems a little thick this year.
Hey, Coach, do you have a lighter one of these for the backups? No.
Hey, how come he don't got one? He runs track in the offseason.
So if I do another sport, I don't have to do conditioning? That's right.
Two-sport athletes, boy.
They used to do that all the time back in the day.
That's what I'm talking about, man.
Right.
Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders! Mmm-hmm.
Stop playing, man.
Whoo-hoo! How come they don't do that no more? I don't know.
I'm about to bring that shit back, watch.
So am I, Radon.
So am I.
Drink.
How about basketball? Hell, no, man! My ego couldn't take getting dunked on.
Fencing? No, that's a white people sport.
Ain't a black man alive that fences.
Hockey? I say fencing is too white and you come back with hockey? Hockey could be perfect.
I could be the backup goalie.
I mean, I'll never play, and even if I do, we're getting killed, so who cares? And you You could be a trailblazer.
Can you skate? I mean, I can roller-skate.
Same thing.
All right.
I mean, maybe you right, man.
How hard could it be if only white people play it, right? Play what? We're trying out for the hockey team.
That's great.
You know what? Me, too.
I'm gonna be the hockey team's new mascot.
Sammy, they don't have mascots in hockey.
They have a zamboni driver.
Is that a challenge? No.
That sounds like a challenge.
Accepted.
Hey, ladies.
Oh, what's that? It's your new job.
You're Thad Castle's cheerleader now.
It used to be Kate's job before you, you know, sprained her ankle.
You'll make sure he's ready for every game.
Mentally, physically and emotionally.
You're at his beck and call.
Kate, don't you think you're milking the ankle thing just a little bit? You're Thad Castle's cheerleader Or you're no cheerleader at all.
Have fun.
It sucks.
Yeah.
Thanks for thinking of me.
- Whoo! - Perfection.
Nothing but perfection will be tolerated.
Now, if you didn't come here to bring me the best, then stay off my ice! I brought this team to the Frozen Four the past two seasons.
And we're gonna go back to the Frozen Four.
Who's coming with me? Break up into squads.
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go! Come on, let's go.
What is with the pads? Are you here to take my job? What? 'Cause if you are, my enforcer will break you.
No! It's quite the opposite actually.
I'm here to be your backup.
This guy giving you shit, Antti? Let me guess, you're the enforcer.
Punch him in the face, Byers.
Whoa, hold on, no, no.
No punching in the face, all right? It's a misunderstanding.
Look, I'm a football player.
I'm looking to pick up a second sport in the offseason.
How about this? How about you guys come to the Goat House tonight and get some free beer? Whoo! Accepted.
Hey, asshole! Oh, shit.
Hey, what's up, buddy? How you doing? Were you just trying to cut my brakes? What? No.
Come on.
Hey, Sammy Cacciatore.
I'm the new hockey team mascot.
Good to meet you.
This is a hockey team, kid.
We don't have a mascot.
I drive this thing around between periods, and that's that.
Listen, when I run onto the football field, stand up and cheer.
When you drive this thing around, people go get beer and take craps.
I think I can help you out.
What the hell now? Prepare to have your minds blown.
Limits are made to be broken, and they're about to be broken today, baby.
Is he trying it out, too? Yeah.
- I'm okay.
I just slipped on some ice.
Oh, hi, how's it going? I'm Mary No names.
You're my cheerleader now.
That's all I need to know.
Did you read my manifesto? Oh, it's mostly just pictures, isn't it? It's a graphic novel.
Oh.
First test.
Order us my favorite beverage.
Um Two mojitos, por favor.
Sure.
Nicely done.
Should be a little quicker next time.
Yeah.
Pop quiz! What's my favorite breakfast cereal? Uh Too late.
Lucky Charms.
I eat three bowls every morning before I take my morning poop.
Why? Because my bitch mother told me I couldn't when I was a kid.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How do I like my shirts folded? Um Let me see.
Trick question.
I like my shirts on hangers to avoid wrinkles.
Are you writing this down? Oh! I thought it was all in the manifesto.
Not all of it.
Psych! Yes, it is.
Yes, it's all in the manifesto.
You should take a chill pill.
You look confused.
I'll see you first thing in the morning so you can pop my ass zits.
Man, ice hockey is nothing like roller-skating.
I was way off.
Look, you're gonna be fine, all right? It was just the first day.
Nobody gets cut on the first day.
Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to cut the brake lines on a zamboni? The cables are like two-inches thick.
I need to rethink my strategy.
Why are you trying to cut Never mind.
Okay, listen, so when the players get here, we gotta win 'em over.
Lots of sex and booze.
All right? Boys! You made it! Grab a drink.
I'll take your drink.
Well, okay, he'll have my drink.
Hey! Let me show you guys around.
Yeah! Right? Alex, these women are incredible.
Who do I have to fight to get one? You don't have to fight anybody.
No, you just gotta go talk to them.
Even you can talk to these girls? Yeah.
You're just a backup.
You're a no one.
It's called trickle-down banging.
Trickle-down banging? If you get me on the hockey team, I'll tell you all about it.
Yeah! Let's get two shots of vodka, please.
Two vodka.
Two vodka.
Oh, snack food.
Can I eat them? Go ahead, man.
Help yourself.
Have at it.
So, Claude, you're the team captain, right? Correct.
It's a great privilege.
Yeah, so how come that dude, Renee, is leading the team in scoring? Renee is very good.
I assist him.
That's cool.
I mean, you know assists don't really mean anything.
You should be scoring.
I mean, me? I wanna score every time I touch the ball.
I hate throwing the ball to my receivers.
I hate it.
The worst part of my day is when I gotta throw that ball out my hand.
Know what that makes me? Selfish.
It makes me king, man.
Listen, Gretzky didn't become Gretzky by passing the puck.
Remember that.
Is there any place where I can get a handjob? Moran, why are there hockey players in my house? Me and Radon are trying out for the hockey team.
They're not welcome here.
They're not like us.
They're a little strange, but who cares? A little strange? They play their sport on the hardest surface in the world with knives on the bottom of their feet.
They get their teeth knocked out constantly and don't bother to get them fixed.
They have multiple captains.
Can you imagine three of me on a team? Oh, God.
I'm going back to my bedroom.
I'm gonna come back out in five minutes, and if they're not gone, I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts.
Right.
Move, get out of my way.
Move it! Can I help you? Yeah, this is my room.
Actually, I'm all set.
Enjoy your stay.
Easiest job is to Ow! I'm not moving.
Nope.
Not moving anywhere.
Alex, how's it going? It's perfect.
I have this question for you.
You don't play No.
you don't fight Mmm-mmm.
you don't work hard, yet girls love you and you party all the time.
How is this possible? Well, I like to set low expectations so that no one ever feels let down, you know? I love your lifestyle, Alex.
Right.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
It's sexy.
It's cool.
It's fun.
My dream was to be in NHL, but just like in football, backup goalies get drafted.
I decide to be your backup goalie.
Many thanks to you.
What? Hey, Antti! I'm telling you, Claude, Renee is holding you back, man.
It's okay to have an ego.
You know who else had an ego? Muhammad Ali.
Remember him? Float like a butterfly, sting like a what? Bee! That's what I'm talking about, man.
Hey, Charlie! Oh, great.
Listen, we got off on the wrong foot the other day.
What do you say I help you out, huh? I don't need any help, kid.
Yeah, you kind of do, Charlie.
Hockey entertainment is changing and you don't seem to want to change with it.
How long you been doing this for? I don't know, You are older than dinosaur shit, Charlie.
It's time to adapt or be replaced by a way younger, foreign zamboni driver.
You get me on that ice, and we'll have this place rocking, Charlie.
I mean, people will be jumping around and they'll be screaming your name.
What do you say? I say I think you're making it damn hard for me to say no to you, kid.
Oh, good, you're awake.
There's a hockey enforcer living in my bedroom.
Until he moves out, I'm living with you.
Living with me? Is there an echo in here? Now I see we live in a dorm.
I hate dorms, but we'll make it work.
Question, can I put tacks on our wall? 'Cause I have a lot of really awesome posters I wanna hang up.
Living with me? So there is an echo in here.
Thanks for clearing that up.
All right, well I'll take my breakfast in bed whenever you're ready.
Oh, great.
What the hell was that for, Ducharme? You know what? I scoured the world looking for the best hockey players to bring here to Blue Mountain State, and within one week, your generic American football players ruined my perfect hockey team.
Why would my players want anything to do with your hockey team? This is America.
No one gives a shit about college hockey here.
You know what? You're wrong.
'Cause we got a televised game this year on cable, so there! You spit on my floor one more time, and I'm gonna take you out.
Let's go.
No! Come on, let's go.
Bring it.
Come on, come on.
I've had it with this asshole.
You don't wanna fight a hockey coach.
Hey, I'm gonna get this hockey shit down, man.
I'm from Detroit.
You know what I'm saying? We roller-skate.
It took me a while to get that Antti? Alex! What's up, buddy? Do you like the clothes? Yeah, I like the clothes.
I especially liked them when I bought them and I put them in my closet.
How did you get these? Your window was unlocked.
I let myself in.
I want to be just like you, Alex.
You're the king of BMS.
Man, that dude is weird as shit, homey.
He was talking to me for like 20 minutes before I even realized it wasn't you.
Oh, my God.
Antti, you have a really good thing going with the starting goalie position.
Alex, I'm your backup now.
I trickle-down bang the girls.
It's wonderful.
Okay, look, I can't start in goal.
The team's gonna suck.
So what's the point? I need to be your backup.
Otherwise I'm gonna spend the entire offseason lifting weights and running.
I don't like running, okay? There's no other sport that works for me.
So please don't take this away from me.
If you want the backup position, you're gonna have to take it from me.
Oh, shit, Claude! That's what I'm talking about, baby.
You look like a real captain right now, man.
We about to take over this league.
Renee, who? My man! Let me introduce you to some girls.
So this Saturday before the game, I have a very specific ritual.
If you mess up even a fraction of it, I'm gonna have to go back to bed and start the day all over.
If I do that, I'll be late for the game.
So you cannot let that happen.
So this guy's the enforcer for the hockey team? Who's the enforcer for the football team? We don't have one.
Well, maybe you should grow some balls and become one, hmm? Why don't you grow some balls and become one? Fine, maybe I will grow some balls.
Anything to get you out of my life.
Get back here! You're not done with my nipples! So why the hell did you bring me down here, Sammy? To show you what the people want.
I can't grow tits, son.
I'm not talking about the tits, Charlie.
Well, I am, but I'm not.
I'm talking about the showmanship.
We gotta put on a show, Charlie.
You know what? You're really starting to tug at my heartstrings, kid.
Sure.
Okay, gotta go.
Kate, Kara, I just can't do this anymore.
You guys were right, okay? Now it's time for you to take Thad back.
Sucks, right? Has he made you wax his nipples yet? He made me wipe his ass after his Lucky Charms poop.
Oh! Yeah.
You kind of brought it on yourself.
The only way to get out of Thad duty is if he gives you the okay.
And that will never happen as long as the enforcer is living in his room at the Goat House.
Sorry.
Hello.
Guess who just found more ass zits? I'll give you a hint.
You're talking to him.
Last day of tryouts, gentlemen.
Let's see what you got.
What the hell, Antti? Come on, Antti! Hey! Watch it, Renee! I accidentally taught him everything he knows.
Hey, offense! Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
Let's have a good practice today.
First play, we're gonna line up, split left, 52 drive.
Now, Radon, you're gonna have Where's Radon? Where's Moran? Where the hell are my quarterbacks? Got a message from Radon.
Last day of hockey tryouts.
Well, this shit's gonna stop today.
Give me your phone.
Take over.
Um The sad truth is that we've got two players that are banged up and one that doesn't give a shit.
Hey.
I'll trickle-down bang you.
So, congratulations, you've all made the team.
Yeah! We did it.
No weights, no running.
Deion Sanders, baby, here we come.
Immigration police! Anatoly Samsonov.
Immigration.
You are illegally in this country.
American.
You will be deported back to Russia as soon as possible.
No, no, no.
Hey, they're all I got left! Hey, no, no, don't do this to me! Shit! Ducharme.
What? Maybe next time you'll think twice before you spit on a man's floor.
Fencing? Fencing.
Let's go.
Oh, great, what now? Let's give them the show they've been waiting for, Charlie.
Hit the music.
Yeah, we did it, Charlie.
We did it! Look at us.
We sure did, kid.
We sure did! I feel like a million bucks! Whoo-hoo! Anybody in here? Oh, excuse me.
Hey, you.
Yeah, hello.
Take the headphones off.
Hello.
Hey, you, headphones.
Thanks.
Hey, there, Mr.
Scary Enforcer Asshole Man, yeah.
So you're gonna have to move out so Thad Castle can move back in.
I'm never leaving this house.
All right, well.
Consider this your final warning, young man.
You need to move out right now, or else things are gonna get real messy real fast.
Ooh.
I'm shaking.
Come on, Grayson, let's go.
Come on.
What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What? What? What's going on? Thanks, guys.
Come on, guys, help me! I don't wanna go! Bye.
You did this? Yup.
It looks like someone grew some balls.
Just call me the new football enforcer.
Now you have till 5:00 to get your stuff out of my room.
You're welcome.
Hey! You! I'm so glad you're back, whatever your name is! That other cheerleader was awful.
Ugh.
Now go make me a sandwich.
And if you put mayonnaise on it, I swear I'm gonna flip out.
Tonight's episode featured music by Alien Crime Syndicate.
Available now at bms.
spike.
com.