Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e01 Episode Script

Dic Pics

Bring the fight to them.
Now, what if-- - Is that Debra? - Yeah.
She texting you naked pictures again? Maybe.
Do you want us to give you a minute? Yeah, just a minute.
Jon Jon, I just got this phone.
Where's the camera? - It's-- it's right there.
- Oh.
- Like this? - Yeah.
Just don't get your face in the picture, Marty.
This new technology can be dangerous.
I got ya.
Whoa, no! What? Hey, guys, I think somebody just sent me a picture of their-- Oh my God.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
Why are you talking to me right now? Anyways, it's kind of ridiculous.
- You know-- - Hi! I don't believe we've met before.
I'm Alex Moran.
Anyways, so as I was saying-- I'm the starting quarterback on the football team, - So uh-- - Look, I know who you are.
And I'm not interested in being one of your conquests.
I think I'm worth a little more than a quick bang with some football player.
Who said I was quick? You want me, you're gonna have to put in a little bit of effort.
Give me this.
Call me tomorrow and you can ask me to dinner.
Dinner? I've got a leftover burrito in my room! All right, let's think about this.
A coach sends a player a picture of his dick.
What does it mean? - Good job.
- Practice harder? It's a dick pic.
He wants to bang you.
Duh.
Hey, everything all right, man? I just got turned down by the hottest girl here.
Did you tell her you're the starting QB? Yeah, of course.
Then she asked me to put in a little effort.
- Ooh.
- Right? Send her a dick pic.
Yeah.
She just asked me to invite her to dinner.
I think taking a picture of my penis is hardly the best response.
Harmon, before you got that dick pic, how much of your day was spent thinking about coach in a sexual way? - 1% tops.
- Now? He's the only person I've thought about sexually in the last eight hours.
- See? - No no no, Moran is right.
Dick pic don't work.
- Thank you.
- If it's not working, it's because you're not doing them right.
The main thing to consider when taking a dick pic is, "what do I want my penis to say? Am I portraying strength? Sensitivity? Intelligence?" First, let me show you the wrong way to do it.
- Oh.
- Oh.
That's desperate and sad.
Yeah, very favre-ish.
That's because I didn't try.
The key is effort, gentlemen.
Me, I like to think about the girl a little before taking the shot.
That way, she can sense it's for her.
Plus, it gets me a little fluffy.
And since your hand is gonna be in the shot, You'll want to spruce it up a bit.
Chick with big cans in the quad this morning.
Ho ho ho.
Yeah.
Coach's looked about that good.
That's because he was thinking about you when he took it, Harmon.
And he followed the three rules: One, no balls.
Two, no mass-texting.
And three, never show your face.
Ha! Oh, Okay, with all due respect, I couldn't disagree with you more.
Every morning I take a picture of my dick, including my face and balls and I send it to everyone on my phone.
- Yeah, we know.
- Has it worked? Not yet, but one day it will.
And when it does, ooh whee, it will be magic.
You know, I'm just gonna take this girl to dinner, guys.
- Don't do it, Moran! - Yeah.
- Dick pics work! - Yeah, good talk.
I'm gonna prove it to you, Moran! No, prove it to us! I need to get laid.
Good morning, Sammy.
And another picture of your dick.
Fantastic.
Oh, shit.
Did you take a picture of your dick on my phone and send it to the girl who turned me down last night? - You can repay me later.
- Oh my God, you've ruined my chances! - Now I'll never get a shot with her! - Alex.
Oh, I'm really really sorry, all right? I can explain.
It wasn't my-- - Hmm? - Nobody's ever sent me a picture like that before.
It was so direct, so much effort.
You really were listening to me last night.
Really? I mean, because I have to be honest with-- Mm.
I'm sorry.
You were saying something? I was saying that I'm really glad that y-you liked the picture I sent you.
Yeah.
- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
So what happened? We made out a little.
She took me upstairs and had her way with me.
- All because of a dick pic? - Yeah! It was great.
I had to break it off with her though.
I can't date a girl who'd sleep with me because of a dick pic.
Are you crazy? She sounds perfect.
I mean, I've gotten zero response from the pic - I sent out this morning.
- Really? I usually get, like, one death threat or something.
You know? Hi.
Nice dick.
Here are your dicks-- - I mean, pancakes.
- Thank you.
What's going on? Oh my-- whoa-aa! Nice dick! Oh my God.
It-- Did she mass-text that picture?! You must've really pissed her off.
Shit.
Oh shit, I gotta go.
A girl after my own heart.
Five minutes after the hour, 73° and sunny.
And we'll be back with a little more on Alex Moran's dick pic after this.
Hey.
I am amazed at how much time and money - I've saved with this whole dick pic stuff.
- Oh.
We may never have to take a girl out for dinner again.
Thad is a genius, that's all I've got to say.
A goddamn genius! Hey! Ladies and gentlemen, there he is, The man with the beautiful penis! They've been talking about it on the radio all morning.
- Congrats.
- It's not my dick.
It's Thad's.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right.
I took a picture of my dick on your phone and sent it to the girl you wanted to bang.
- Yeah, that really happened.
- What are you doing?! Might as well face it, Moran, you have the most famous kielbasa on campus.
No.
You have the most famous kielbasa on campus.
You need to tell everyone the truth.
It's humiliating.
I guess technically you're right - Yeah.
- But I would never steal that kind of glory from a teammate.
So my kielbasa es your kielbasa.
- What are you doing? - I found your picture on your phone, Marty.
What, I send you pictures of my tits and you return the favor by sending some whore - a picture of your dick?! - What are you talking about? I sent this picture to you.
You didn't get it? You're cheating on me! God! I cannot believe I trusted you again! I swear! I am not cheating on you.
- I'm a saint! I'm a changed man! - Bullshit! Your little whore likes dick pics? Huh? Yeah? Let's see how she likes this! Thanks for tuning in to "The Crazy Nick & Lardass Show" here on the college athletic network.
Lots to talk about this week.
We're gonna start by talking about today's idiot of the day, Mr.
Alex Moran, starting quarterback and acting captain at Blue Mountain State for mass-texting a picture of his penis for his entire campus to see.
If he worked half as "hard" on his game as he did on that picture, than the goats might actually have a shot this year.
With all due respect, nick, I saw that picture.
And let me tell you something-- that was a beautifully shot penis.
- Most hysterical.
- Ha ha ha.
Can we turn this off, please? - No.
- Ha ha.
It uh-- it doesn't bother you that he's getting all the attention for your pic? Who said it was my pic? Dude, we've been showering together for what, three years now? I'm just saying that you should be getting the attention and not Moran.
Hey, guys, some chick just sent me a picture of her va-- Oh my God.
All right, let's think about this.
Coach sends a player a picture of his dick.
Then his wife sends the same player a picture of her muff.
What does it mean? Well, I would assume it means they wanna have a threesome.
- Definitely.
- Wow, how do I handle this? Depends.
If you're into it, send a dick pic back.
I'm gonna have to sleep on this one.
Moran? - We need to talk.
- No, we don't! I am the joke of the whole school because of you! I know.
And I'm sorry.
I think you're right.
People need to know the truth.
Thanks, man.
I-I appreciate that.
You know, you were just trying to help me and you're a good friend sometimes, you know? I am, aren't I? Welcome back to "The Crazy Nick & Lardass Show" here on CAN.
We have Blue Mountain State linebacker Thad Castle and the dick-pic man himself, quarterback Alex Moran here with us live via satellite.
How's it going, guys? It's a great day.
Thank you for asking.
Now Thad, I understand you have a prepared statement to read.
- Yes, Lardass.
Thank you.
- By all means.
Go ahead.
"I'd like to clarify the controversy surrounding a certain picture you've all been talking about.
The gorgeous penis in that picture taken and sent from Alex Moran's phone is not Alex Moran's penis.
- It's mine.
" - Really? "So if you guys want to name somebody idiot of the day, it should be me, not Moran.
Moran wouldn't know how to take a dick pic if it bit him in the ass.
Thank you.
" Hold on, hold on.
Then how did your penis get on Moran's phone? - Oh, I-- - Yeah.
Is there something wrong with Moran's penis? - No.
No-no, I just-- - what, does the whole team just take other people's penises and send them out to everyone? There is-- there's a perfectly good explanation for all-- I'm sure there is, but unfortunately we're out of time and I'm sure you guys have a very busy day of taking pictures of your wienies.
- What?! No.
No! - Thanks for stopping by "The Crazy Nick & Lardass Show" here on CAN.
No no no no no, w-w-w-wait.
Guys! Guys! I think that went pretty well.
Alex Moran? I heard he doesn't even have a dick.
He's like all smooth down there like a ken doll.
Well, yeah, I slept with him, but for all I know he could have been using a dildo.
- Oh my God, there he is.
- Hey, Ken! How's your fake dick? What a loser.
Hear ye, hear ye.
If a football player sent you a picture of his penis, it's probably not even his! Football players are dickless liars! Pass it on! You're a dickless liar! - Can I get you guys anything else? - Oh no, thank you.
- All good? I'll get your check then.
- Thanks.
- You think this is funny? - Whose dick is that? Well, that's an angry-looking fellow.
Look, you don't ask questions.
I ask the questions, okay? Who is this guy and how long have you been sleeping with him? No no no.
I am not playing this game with you, Marty.
You think I'm cheating on you and you're gonna return the favor? Huh? Who is it? You know, you're being a real asshole right now, Marty.
- Asshole? I'm being an asshole?! - Yes, you're being an asshole! I'll show you an asshole.
Watch this.
Is that what I think it is? If you think it's a picture of coach's asshole, then yes, it is.
Maybe he's mad at you.
Maybe he didn't like your dick pic.
I've never been so confused in all my life.
These goddamned dick pics are turning everything upside down.
Someone's gotta do something.
Someone's got to step up and make things right again.
Blue 16.
Set.
Hut.
Huddle up! You guys look like shit out there.
What's going on? What's your problem? Sorry, coach.
Uh, we're having personal issues.
- Moran sent this dick pic out and-- - you sent the dick pic! Shut up! I don't wanna hear one more thing about dick pics.
If I hear-- When did it get so complicated, huh? I've been sending pictures of my penis to women all my life.
Yeah, in the '80s, I mailed polaroids.
And it sucked because let's say you were playing in Detroit on Saturday night, you had to get that picture in the mail on Monday or it wouldn't get there on time.
Then in the '90s the fax machine that changed the whole game.
And now the cell phones.
Come on, guys.
Enough with the dick pics.
Let's get back to doing things the old-fashioned way.
If you like a girl, take her out to dinner, buy her a box of chocolates, wear a bow tie.
I don't care what you do, but no more dick pics.
Let's get back to work.
- Yeah, you.
- You're the idiot.
Freak.
I don't know about you guys, but I can't go back to pre-dick-pic era.
Every time I send a dick pic now, it's met with questions and skepticism.
They think we're all liars.
- This is all Moran's fault.
- What?! If you'd sent a dick pic out like a man in the first place, I wouldn't have had to send out a picture for you! Are you kidding me?! You wanna clear up whose dicks are whose and who's got a dick and who doesn't have a dick? You all need to send out a real honest dick pic.
I'm talking dick, I'm talking balls and I'm talking face-- all in one shot.
You're gonna mass-text it to the entire school.
I'm not putting a picture of my dick out in the world.
I think there's gotta be a better way.
I'm looking for, uh, Sammy Cacciatore.
Oh, I'm-- I'm Sammy.
I've been getting your dick pics every morning for the last two years.
I mean, I usually threaten to call the cops, but then I realized you're the only guy left on campus that I can trust.
You know, you all can learn a lot from this guy.
Ooh whee! I told you guys this was gonna pay off! Yeah! Shit.
What, are you crazy? Ah! - Tell me her name! - All right, I'll tell you her name when you tell me whose dick is in my phone! Aha! You are banging someone else.
Yeah, you'd like to think so, so you wouldn't feel so guilty.
Ow! - What's this? - Coach, I heard what you said at practice, And I get it.
We're gonna do things the old-fashioned way.
- Hmm.
- So here goes.
I got your pics And I am into it.
I'm gonna ask you a favor, Harmon, and I hope you understand.
Sure.
I want you to erase those pictures, especially any ones of me or Debra that are easily identifiable.
That would be all of them, coach.
now I couldn't even find the door maybe I needed you more What the hell is this? 'cause I need to think and pass out on your floor Well, it's not pretty, but it solved the problem.
Maybe this whole dick-pic era isn't over.
Maybe it's just evolving into the next phase.
Say, coach, if you and Debra ever change your minds - Get out of the car, Harmon.
- Okay, you got it, coach.
Yeah, you've got a handsome wee-wee, Moran.
I don't even know why you needed me to send mine in the first place.