Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e11 Episode Script

Death Penalty

And there you have it, Blue Mountain State reacting to the news that they will be playing at the National Championship game against the Blackwell Univercity Moriers.
Let's see if we can get some players to talk to us.
Everybody come here.
You're boning Larry.
- I'm boning Larry.
- And let's cut.
Hey, coach-- And here's the man who made it happen! Yeah.
Hey, you were God-sent this year, son.
Yeah.
Uh, when is practice? - Practice? - Yeah.
Blackwell's gonna be tough.
- We've gotta be ready.
- Hey look, relax.
Go celebrate with your team.
The game's not for a couple weeks.
Go ahead.
Um Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- What? - Congratulations, Marty.
I'm here officially on behalf of the NCAA to inform you that your team is under investigation for major rule violations.
Whoo-ooh.
Why do you come in here every year and bust my balls, huh? You could go to any program in the country and you'd find violations, but, no, year after year you come after me.
And year after year you just laugh in my face.
Well, we'll see if you're still laughing after this one.
Is that it? Is that all you got? I gotta tell you I'm a little disappointed.
I thought you were gonna make it a little more fun for me this year.
Oh, this isn't for BMS.
It's the university of Miami's.
I just wanted you to see how your file compared with other schools.
No no, this is what we have on BMS.
Holy shit.
Oh, we have enough to go after you for the big one-- the death penalty.
That's a one-year suspension of the entire program, loss of scholarships and no televised games or bowl coverage for three years.
Oh, holy shit.
Now how's that for fun, Marty? This is bullshit.
I run a clean program.
Coach, we're out of champagne, but I just called my agent and he said he'll buy more with the money I made from signing autographs.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
An NCAA investigation? Why now? It's just scare tactics, man.
We're gonna be fine.
Shh! Everybody stop talking.
They're probably listening to everything we say right now.
Donald Schrab.
Have you ever had sex with your teacher's 83-year-old mother to blackmail him into giving you a "C"? Oh no.
Have I ever done drugs? Never have, never will.
This body is a temple.
Oh.
Nice.
Things got scary fun that night.
That cocaine was medicinal, so check and mate.
Have you ever accepted free tickets to "Les Miserables"? Have any of your coaches - ever knowingly given you cream cheese? - Cream cheese? The rules clearly state that you can have a bagel, but not cream cheese.
Let me ask you something? Where does the NCAA's authority to investigate come from? Hmm? You guys elected? How did you get your job? Let me give you this pamphlet.
It will answer all the questions you have about the NCAA.
What exactly is a pocket pussy? - Have you ever done rabies before? - No.
Have you ever pumped clean urine into your bladder to cheat a drug test? Have you ever made a sexy tape?! A sexy tape, Mr.
Castle! Have you made one?! Why are you doing this to me?! I'm a human being! We could do what we did during the'98 investigation.
Nah, it's too big for blackmail.
- Somebody ratted us out.
- How do you know it's one person? - Couldn't it be multiple leaks? - No.
It's in the file-- one informant.
How about the 2002 investigation? That wouldn't work.
They drained that quarry five years ago.
So who ratted you out? Well, who stands to gain the most from taking me down? Waitress! I'm gonna need another sundae over here! Oh hey, what the hell?! Let me go! Let me go! Help me! Help me! Why isn't anyone helping me?! Enjoy your meals, folks.
Listen to this.
"The NCAA was founded over 100 years ago to protect student athletes.
It continues to implement that principle by increased emphasis on the athletics and the academic excellence.
" That's basically all it says! Who are these people? They run college sports.
They're in charge of the sports.
- And? - The NCAA is-- well, they're the NCAA.
They-- they-- - they're the NCAA! - Yeah.
Yeah, you said that.
Meet you in your room right now? What is all this? There's a mole among us, Larry, and you're gonna help me find him.
What do you need me to do? First I need you to get me some food.
I'm starving.
That's it.
Go.
I'm on it.
Oh.
And, Larry, you're the only person I can trust right now.
Everyone's a suspect.
Oh.
I know it was you who ratted me out, Gilday.
- Why would I do that? - Because you wanted me gone.
And your name isn't mentioned once - in this report.
- Listen, if this team-- If this team gets the death penalty, I'm out of a job too.
Think about it.
There's three years of dirt in that file, right? I've been here what? Five months.
Yeah, so what are you saying? I'm saying whoever ratted you out has been close to this team for a while.
It's someone the NCAA can probably flip, someone who's easily manipulated.
The NCAA appreciates everything you're doing for them, - Mr.
Cacciatore.
- Aw, please.
Mr.
Cacciatore's my father and he's an asshole.
You can call me Sammy.
How's it going? - How's it going, Alex? - Hey.
Did you know the cream-cheese rule is true? This tell-all book claims the NCAA has ties to the Masons, Scientology and Skull & Bones.
That is cool.
I-- ow.
Mascot.
Hello.
I know it's you.
- I know you're the mole.
- What?! I'm no mole.
Then why did Larry say he saw you talking to the NCAA guy at the diner? Because coach Daniels hired me to feed Smith false information! He told me I had a face that inspired hatred - and he told me to use it.
- What did you give him at the diner? Nothing.
Nothing.
Just a couple of pages from a short story I was working on.
"And then Barry takes out a gun and shoots the other guy named Barry.
In the distance a werewolf howls.
" Jon Jon.
I need to tell you something, Jon Jon.
But, listen, you have to promise me you will not tell Marty.
- Debra's the mole.
- God damn it, Jon Jon! - I can explain.
- Well, you'd better! Okay, well, when we got divorced many many years ago, I was really angry at you and, um-- I may have sent an email to the NCAA, but I only told them little things.
Did they given you a notice to appear at the hearing yet? No, but I'm sure it's coming.
All right.
Well, it's very simple.
- You're just gonna lie.
- Lie your ass off.
They have my emails, Marty.
Emails?! Like plural? Like, how many? - Nine.
- Jesus! - Possibly 12.
- Jesus Christ! I was really pissed at you! So the NCAA as a whole reports over $700 million in revenue and has $300 million in unrestricted net assets, yet you're a non-profit organization who doesn't pay taxes on any of that money.
Where does that money go? And who decides who's on the committee? Okay.
Do you have ties to the Illuminati? Hey.
Hey.
What if I told you the secret to your investigation is buried in an unmarked grave in the Blue Mountain Cemetery? Meet me at the shovel store in a half hour.
Shit's about to get blown wide open! Let me tell you! You know, I'm so mad at you right now - I can't even look at you.
- Fine then.
Don't.
- Well, I won't.
- Good.
Spousal privilege.
- Huh? - Remember during the '92 investigation, Bobby Kay's loudmouth wife came up with some info to the NCAA and we got it thrown out because anything said between a married couple is considered confidential communication.
- Yeah.
What does that have to do with us? - You get married again.
Spousal privilege extends for several years before marriage.
Mm.
You know, I've been thinking about popping the question again for a while.
These last couple of months have made me realize how much I-- I love you.
And you are the only man on earth who can make me so crazy I would become an NCAA mole.
- Oh baby.
- I can get ordained on the internet and get you married here - before the hearing.
- Great.
You know what? Let me get on the phone, call my lawyer.
He can knock out a prenup in an hour.
Mm.
A what now? A prenup.
We didn't have one last time and you really screwed me.
Fine! You wanna play it that way? You got it.
I'm calling my lawyer too.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Okay.
It took me two days, but I figured out who your mole is.
It's coach Jon Jon, isn't it? Is it Alex? Oh no! Oh, please don't tell me it's Larry! Larry-- we were best friend-- what is this? That's your notice to appear at tomorrow's hearing.
Why would I need to appear? Do you recognize this man? You may have met him at a few of your goat house parties.
He works for us.
Seriously though, if you need anything-- pot, coke, steroids-- talk to Harmon Tedesco.
He deals it all.
I wouldn't use the word gigolo, but I have accepted money in exchange for sex before.
So yeah, like I was saying, an oil change is when you pump clean urine into your bladder.
We have nerds to do our homework for us.
I almost forgot.
If you wanna buy any BMS merch, I also run a black market sports memorabilia website on the side.
But don't tell anyone.
Okay.
Bye, dude! I'm the mole? All right, you can have the house! And you can have the boat, but I'm keeping the Hawaii timeshare.
And no alimony.
Honey, baby, love of my life, come on, you've gotta meet me halfway on this.
You're the one that wanted to go down this road! Okay, no prenup.
Oh, I knew it! - I knew you loved me! - Mm.
Come on, Alex, stop studying.
Just fool around with us.
Never thought I'd say this, but I can't right now.
The future of BMS football is at stake here.
- My future is at stake.
- I don't get it.
Why won't the NAACP let you eat cream cheese? That's the million-dollar question, ladies I mean the billion-dollar question.
Oh wow! All right.
- Wanna make out? - Okay.
Goddamn NCAA.
We're gathered here today to join together Debra and Marty in holy matrimony.
Within its framework of commitment-- Jon Jon, short version.
Short version.
Sorry.
Debra, do you take Marty - to be your lawfully wedded husband? - I do.
And do you Marty take Debra to be your lawfully wedded wife? - Okay, uh-- - Coach! I did a bad thing.
I'm the mole.
No, Thad.
Debra's the mole.
No, she's not.
I saw the files.
I told them everything.
But it's not my fault! I thought the guy was a college student! Well, this is great.
Now we don't have to get married! And all Thad has to do is deny everything.
What do you mean, this is great?! Uh, Marty, I don't think putting Thad on the stand is the best idea.
- Oh.
- Why not? Thad, have you ever done anything illegal while at BMS? Yes.
Shit! No.
Shit, it doesn't matter! They have 52 hours of tape on me.
Oh boy, we're screwed.
- I'm done.
This program is done.
- Listen, Marty.
Marty, Marty, Marty, this is not the time to panic.
There is another way.
And it's legal in this state now.
- You can marry Thad instead of Debra.
- I'll do it.
Are you crazy?! Have you lost your mind? Oh come on, Marty.
It's not a gay thing.
Hey, there's no way two guys getting married is not a gay thing.
Look, the entire program is on the line here-- your job, your team, your legacy.
Oh, and marrying one of my players is gonna protect my legacy? Jesus.
Well, it does less damage than being responsible for the collapse of one of the greatest programs in college sports history.
What's it gonna be, Marty? Oh Will you turn that music off? Thad, get your ass up here and let's do this! We're gathered here today to join together Thad and Marty in holy matrimony.
Thad, do you take Marty to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
- Oh.
- Can I say something? I think it's bullshit that you asked me to sign a prenup and you didn't even think to ask Thad.
Oh shit! Is it too late? I'm going to make a billion dollars in the NFL.
- I wanna be protected.
- Yeah, we don't have time right now, okay? - Go on.
- Marty, do you take Thad to be your lawfully wedded husband? Are you sure there's no other way to do this? None that I can see.
Okay.
Uh, I-- Coach! I've got great news! - What's going on here? - We're getting gay-married so I don't have to testify.
As much as I would love an explanation for this, I just wanted to let you guys know that we're good with the NCAA.
I-- I took care of it.
- You did? How? - Yeah.
I did a lot of research and I kept coming back to the same conclusion that none of this makes any sense.
The cream cheese, the random and selective investigations of USC, Ohio State, Miami and then us? Then it dawned on me.
It's not supposed to make sense.
These are all just pieces in a giant illusion.
The NCAA is a front.
That's it.
These silly rules and selective investigations serve two purposes: One, it allows them to maintain a monopoly over the billion-dollar industry that is college sports today; and two, it also allows them to maintain their non-profit status.
Smith was so intent on bringing you down that he lost sight of the big picture.
So I laid it out for him and his bosses as simply as I could.
What was more important to the NCAA, taking you down or the hundreds of millions of dollars they'd stand to lose by giving BMS the death penalty? Once you get past the illusion, you're left with the only thing that matters to them-- their tax-free money.
And like so many other big corporations, BMS is just simply too big to fail.
That was one hell of a save, son.
I just had to play in the game, coach.
It's the chance of a lifetime.
Hey, everybody shut up! It's starting! We the NCAA have decided not to give Blue Mountain State University the death penalty.
However, given the severity of the charges, we feel some punishment must be delivered.
The following coaches and players will be suspended indefinitely and therefore not be eligible for the championship game: Coach Marty Daniels Assistant coach Jon Jon Hendricks - Alex Moran - No! Thad Castle, Larry Summers, Donald Schrab, Harmon Tedesco You call this saving face? Charles Nichols, Sidney Rawlins Gus Johnson, Alex Cody.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.