Blue Mountain State (2009) s03e12 Episode Script
Corn Field
The scandal that has rocked the college football world-- Blue Mountain State, as well as head coach Marty Daniels have been suspended by the NCAA for various rule violations and not allowed to participate in the National Championship game.
Before the suspensions Blue Mountain State was favored by three points, but by game time Blackwell U was favored by 17.
Feels good to be a champion.
That was the easiest game we've played all year by far.
You know, we didn't want to win it this way.
We wanted to beat their best-- Thad Castle, Moran, coach Daniels.
And it sucks because now there's always gonna be doubters.
And doubters should know that we'd play - the real BMS team anytime.
- Anywhere.
At what point did you realize that you had won the championship? Well, when we went up by five touchdowns, our offense took its foot off the gas.
There ain't no way BMS was gonna score on our D-- no way! We played by the rules all season.
BMS did not.
That's why I'm sitting here tonight and coach Daniels is wherever he is.
Coach, your system seemed to fall apart today without Alex Moran at quarterback.
Do you stand by your system? I think the system still works.
I can plug players in.
Just today it didn't work out as I had hoped, that's all.
Do you think you're still employable as a D1 head coach after such an embarrassing debut? So the Blackwell Warriors are the new national champions.
But are they the best team in college football? I still think it's Blue Mountain State, but we'll never know.
You son of a bitch.
Thad.
Thad Castle.
Thad! Hey, Thad! Wake up, Thad.
Thad, wake up.
Hey, Thad.
Wake up, Thad.
And the Blackwell Warriors are the 2012 national champions! I want to beat Thad Castle.
Anytime.
Anywhere.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
Alex, what's up, buddy? Wow, you look terrible.
Hey, I've got an idea.
What do you say me and you go watch the girls' tennis team practice, right? - No.
- Come on, man, it'll be good.
You haven't been out of the house in a week.
I no longer care about the passage of time, Sammy.
Plus Donnie bet me I couldn't eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
Come on, man.
It was only one game.
Hey, remember when we were little we used to play football in your backyard? We played that game, and then after that game we'd start another game.
That's the great thing about football-- there's always next season, right? You're right, Sammy.
It was just one game.
But really, maybe they're all just one game.
Maybe I shouldn't care about any of 'em.
I'm not finished.
- It wasn't just one game.
- Oh you.
It was my last shot at a title.
And those bastards at the NCAA just took it away from me.
And why? Because I did a little rabies, I made a sexy tape? They took it away from you because you told them all of those things.
For the last time, I didn't know he was recording me! On 12 separate occasions? - Ah.
- He was buying me drinks! I know I screwed up, guys.
I'm gonna make it up to you, I swear.
Hey, guys, I've got a better way to spend the time.
It's called the best weed you've ever smoked.
And I'm going to use it to roll a mega spliff so big it will take our entire o-line a week to finish it.
I love it.
Follow me.
I have the answers you're looking for.
- How did you do that? - Do what? Darlene, what happened to all my pictures? Tony took them down.
It was bumming out the customers.
Why don't you ask Tony to come out and tell me that to my face? - Let's not make a scene, Marty.
- Shh! I am so sorry I bum you all out.
I only gave you assholes You know what? You tell Tony that I lied about him having the best coffee in town.
Yeah, and I think he's fat.
Come on, Jon Jon.
- Just a little piece of pie.
- Come on! So how big is this joint gonna be? I'm thinking maybe 4' long, about 1 1/2' around.
Let's make it 5', huh? Excuse me just for a moment, gentlemen.
- Hey, Thad.
- Hey.
Mind if I borrow the keys to your truck? What for? Are you looking for answers? Sure, something like that.
Yeah, sure thing.
There you go.
Oh.
Damn it! Where are we? The promised land, Alex.
Follow me.
I just lost a six-pack.
- Where are we going? - Yeah, Harmon.
You know what they say-- the man with the hash is the man with the stash.
- Holy mother of Mary.
- This is yours?! I planted this marijuana field when I was in my freshman year.
The farmer's cool with it and he gets all the free weed he wants.
Here is your answer.
This looks about ready to harvest.
What do you say we sample it tonight? I'm in.
Thank you, God! Let's go.
What are we doing here again? You're my houseboy, Mascot.
You don't ask questions.
You follow me and obey orders.
Are you gonna kill me? Holy shit! Is all this weed for us? It's for all of us.
I'm gonna start chopping.
You start hauling.
I'll explain later.
If I could have one wish? I'd wish for the chance to kick the shit out of that cheap punk Alex Moran.
I'd take him to a dark place, baby.
I was gonna say $50 million, but that sounds all right too.
God, I hate those guys.
It doesn't help that they're so handsome! Did we make out before? Mm-hmm.
It was much better the last time, wasn't it? Yeah, okay.
God, I think there's something wrong with the beer, guys.
It's giving me bad breath.
Mine tastes fine.
Have you guys seen Sammy? Is he okay? Who cares? I heard that, Larry.
And God heard that too and he's on my side right now.
So if I were you, I'd shut up.
Have you seen Sammy? You know what? I say screw BMS.
You should be coaching pros anyway, Marty.
Call Jerry Jones.
He'll hire you.
He'll hire anybody.
Hey, coach, I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for ruining my career.
You did that to yourself.
Oh, no, I did not bring shame to this program with an NCAA scandal.
That was you.
You wanted your shot and you got it.
But you couldn't handle it and now you want to blame me, right? Yeah? If you could just control your players a little bit better, we wouldn't be in this situation.
- Hey, don't you tell me how to-- - Coach, come on.
Hey, I don't ever want to see your face in this locker room again.
Oh, you'll see it again from another sideline next year, you cheating has-been! I'm okay, all right? Relax.
- Mascot.
- Yeah? Make me some eggs.
You've got it, boss.
Hey, what the hell are you two doing sleeping in my barn? Sir, my name is Thad Castle.
I'm a Blue Mountain State football player who's been chosen by God to carry out a mission on your farm.
God speaks to you, son? He sent me here.
This is my houseboy.
His name is Mascot.
How's it going? - Gun! Gun! - What? Anything I can do to help, Mr.
Castle? We want to beat Thad Castle.
And after we beat him, he can suck our schlongs.
Are you okay? I was dreaming.
Nice.
You need a tissue? Why would I need a tissue? A wet dream.
I used to get them all the time, real bad too.
I'd like wake up all sticky, icky.
Ugh, but it made me feel so good though.
I'd wake up.
I was like having sex with this girl for like 11 minutes in my dream.
It's time to invite Blackwell to play.
Yeah, have you seen Alex and the guys? They are in no shape to play football.
They'll play.
God told me so.
I can picture this joint already.
It's gonna be like a huge zeppelin.
Yeah, man, we'll call it the Hindenburg, watch it go up in flames.
Oh, the humanity! Oh! You know, the Hindenburg wasn't funny, man.
Larry, I think you're the one who needs this joint more than all of us.
All right, boys, get ready to feast your eyes on this.
Hey! See? I told you they'd come.
Hey! What did you do with all my weed? - That was here? - What did you--? Whoo! You tore up my pot field so you could build a football field?! - Correct.
- Where's all the weed?! I burned it to get God high.
I wanted to thank him for my visions.
Let's talk about your vision, Thad.
What do you expect to do at this stupid field of yours? - Exactly, dude.
- We're gonna play for the national title.
Bullshit.
Don't tell me you wouldn't kill to have a shot at those assholes, Moran.
They've been spouting off for weeks now about how they wish that they played the real BMS.
They said, "anytime, anywhere.
" Blackwell is not gonna want to play your stupid game that doesn't even matter.
It does matter.
And they are gonna show.
The wheels are already in motion.
Girls, cheerleaders, we've got a mission! I'm gonna need your scooters! Seriously? This is what you guys do when I'm not around? Let's go! To Blackwell! Whoo! Whoo whoo whoo whoo! Let's go! Ugh.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I was just thinking this could be the last time I set foot in this locker room.
You don't mean that.
Even if they wanted me back, between the scandal, the NCAA and all the political bullshit, I don't know if I'd want the job.
Everybody grab your gear.
What the hell is this? Thad has the whole team convinced we're gonna play Blackwell in the morning.
Is that a joke? It's not a joke.
We're gonna need you, coach.
What the? Whoo! Whoo! Who wants to start the ruckus? Who wants to start the ruckus? Who wants to start the ruckus? Yeah! Hello.
My name is Sammy Cacciatore.
I come bearing a message from Thad Castle.
"Dear Blackwell, you idiot douchebags have been talking a lot of trash.
I'm offering you a chance to back it up-- tomorrow morning, sunup, on a neutral field.
No media.
No hype.
Just two teams battling to decide once and for all who the real champion is.
" You can't be serious.
I'm not done yet.
"On that field we will destroy your asses like they've never been destroyed before.
Stalin, Alex Moran will make you look even dumber than you already do in that piece of shit, outdated mullet.
Wilson, I will personally sack you more times than the Hell's Angels have sacked your mom.
You're all a bunch of gutless pussies.
The BMS Goats.
" Did you just call me a pussy? I did.
I did, yeah.
Oh, Thad Castle wanted me to tell you one more thing, so Oh! Damn it.
Wow, you look really mad now.
You're a big dude.
Whoa! Oh my God.
Holy shit.
I built it all by myself.
Can you believe it, coach? Wow.
It really is pretty good, isn't it, coach? You mean Blackwell's gonna come here? They're not coming.
He's just setting us up for another letdown.
Let's just go back to the Goat House and drink.
Yeah! Whoo! It worked! It's happening! Whoo! Sammy? Yeah! Whoo! Oh my God.
Yes! Whoo! Yeah! What the hell happened to your face? Blackwell did this to me, man.
They jumped me and the cheerleaders for no reason.
I didn't do anything.
That little shit mascot wasn't kidding, was he? Daniels.
Are we really gonna do this? That trophy means nothing to me unless we beat you for it.
Oh, screw this.
I'm out of here.
Moran, where are you going? Home.
I'm done with this shit.
The beer hasn't tasted as good these last few days, has it? How did you know that? You've had the taste of winning.
Now there's no going back.
Once you try, beer loses taste, sex loses its squishiness, pot loses its highness until you win again.
BMS is considered the home team.
Blackwell calls it in the air.
This is heads.
This is tails.
Heads.
It's tails.
- Yes, we'll - Take the ball.
Yes, Moran.
You're gonna regret that decision, Moran.
Okay, I don't know how we got here, but we're here.
Now all the anger and aggression that you've felt the last few weeks at those trash talkers, at the NCAA, - now is the time to let it all out.
- That's right, that's right.
Let's show 'em what real champions looks like.
Yeah! Let's go kick the shit out of those guys on this awesome field that I built all by myself with no help.
- Bring it in.
On three! - Yes.
- One, two, three.
- Go Goats! BMS! BMS! Whoo! - What are you doing? - I was taking a piss over there.
I was looking for you.
Hammer two.
Hammer two.
Hut.
Whoo! All day, Moran! You're nothing! I don't think so.
What's going on? You ran three plays.
We lost 11 yards.
Do you have anything that works? - I'm trying, coach.
- Jeez.
Hey, Stalin, you suck and you punch like a little bitch! - I need a ride.
- What about the game? - This is for the game.
- Girls, quickly, take this woman anywhere she wants to go! Get out of here! Go go go! Go.
Hey, Wilson, here I come-- your worst nightmare, a freight train full of balls, muscles and tackles.
Down.
Hit.
Shit! Damn it.
Castle, I'm starting to think the NCAA did you guys a favor by not letting you play in that game, saved you the embarrassment.
Waitress, waitress, hey, can you give me a couple more beers, please? Oh, and an espresso.
Those will be your fifth and sixth beers.
- So? - So it's 9:30 in the morning.
What, are you my mother? Get a life.
Marcus.
God, what, is this? Bitch Central? I'm here to make you an offer to make things right.
There's a game going on as we speak in a cornfield outside of town, BMS vs.
Blackwell.
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
Marty needs you.
They're all over him.
I'm done here.
And you can tell Marty, whatever he needs-- he can shove it up his ass.
- Watch your language.
- No, you watch your language.
Cut the poor-me bullshit.
This game's real.
You'll have Moran, Castle-- all your weapons.
You've played Blackwell once before.
You have insight Marty doesn't have.
You're serious about this.
This is your one chance at redemption.
Do you want it or not? Down goes the big man.
Have fun in rehab.
Blue 16.
I smell me some fresh meat, boys.
Set.
Hit.
Whoo! Yeah! Jesus, Moran, your cheerleaders put up more of a fight than you.
Souvenir? Whoo! I'm gonna kill you! You son of a-- you're going down, Moran! I'm taking you down! That's the half.
Might have to amputate that ankle.
I would if it would make it feel better.
I don't think I can play.
If I still had my pot, I'd get you so high you wouldn't feel a thing, but our asshole captain burned it to get God high.
Yeah, he didn't burn it.
What? He told me to burn it, but I'm not an asshole.
Follow me.
What did I tell you? Et voila! I was so sure you guys were gone.
Are you crying? Oh okay.
That's weird.
You are one weird guy, man.
Look, there's got to be someplace where they're vulnerable defensively.
They're kicking our asses.
I didn't see any, Marty.
This is a private meeting.
What the hell are you doing here? Oh man, I knew this was a bad idea.
- Yeah, it was a bad idea, asshole.
- Hey.
Marty, shut up and listen.
What, are you two both that arrogant to think you got here alone? Yes.
Marty, your offense is getting crushed out there.
And yes, Gilday can be a selfish prick, but he knows how to run an offense.
If this team has any chance at winning today, it's gonna start with you two.
You know, I grew up watching you, coach.
I used to want to be you.
And when I got to BMS, I guess I just wanted it so bad that I lost sight of what it was that I loved about coaching in the first place.
- What about Stanford? - Screw Stanford.
I only ever coached at Stanford because my wife wanted me to.
She left me, by the way.
She said she couldn't stand being married to a loser.
I am sorry about everything.
Let me make it up to you right now.
- Yeah.
- Hmm? Tell me I'm the greatest coach that ever lived.
You are the greatest coach that ever lived.
You always come through for me, buddy.
You want some, Alex? No, he doesn't.
He needs to focus.
I need to focus? How did you talk me into this in the first place? - This is a stupid idea! - This isn't over yet! Might as well be! All right, everybody listen up.
That was the worst half of football I think we've ever played.
But it's behind us.
You know, what I said before the game about how this game was about sticking it to all the people who wronged us.
Well, I was wrong.
This game should be a celebration.
There's no media.
There's no money.
There's no NCAA.
There's no bullshit.
It's just football.
I want you all to close your eyes and think about the first time in your life when you realized how much you love this game.
What a beautiful day.
You know, Thad, there's no money in rollerblading.
- So what? - I'm just saying you can make a billion dollars playing football.
A billion dollars? Thanks, dad.
I love you! Hit this, little cousin, and you can smoke a bowl out of each bong.
Yeah! Pack 'em up, cousin Denis.
Yes.
Man, I love football so much.
Me too.
Now I want you to do another thing for me.
I want you to stop playing this game for that crystal trophy and play this game for that moment.
All right, everybody listen up.
We've been running screens to the left all game, but in the championship game that was their strongest side of the line.
Moran, I want you to fake a screen to the right, drawing over the left side.
And that leaves the middle wide open for a draw.
I've been faking screens all day.
They've been all over me.
That's 'cause you're not selling it, Moran.
You've got to make them believe that when you pump, that ball is going to leave your hand just like you make every single girl believe that she's the only one for you right before you take them to bed.
- Hmm? - Sounds mean when you say it like that.
- Yeah.
- It's a pretty good metaphor though.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Hey, are you all right, Donnie? How's the leg? I've never felt better, coach.
Put me in.
Put-- put me-- put me in, coach.
Put me in please.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Hut hut.
Hit.
Hit.
Donnie.
All right.
All right, Donnie's stoned off his ass right now.
So nobody moves until you see the ball move, understood? - Ready? - Break.
Blue 16.
Hut.
Hike.
Offside.
Defense.
Blue 16.
Set.
Hut.
Offside.
Defense.
I can't stop laughing.
Snap the damn ball, fatty! Hit.
Uh-oh, that's a touchdown! That's six! That's six! That's six! That's six! Check out, check out.
Watch the play action.
Hit.
Whoo! What time is it? It's sack time! What time is it? It's sack time! You just got sacked! Oh shit, did I ring your bell? Whoo! Hey, Stalin, you want to know something? I built this field all by myself with no help.
For real.
Yeah! Razor two! Razor two! Red one.
Red one.
Red one.
Red one.
Set.
Hut.
- Go up the middle! - Shit.
- Oh! - Jesus.
That must've hurt.
No way.
Is he all right? Go deep, Sammy.
Set.
Set.
Hit.
I'm open.
I'm open.
Yay! We won! - Nice throw.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Time out, ref! Time out! Time out.
Blue.
What the hell is the mascot doing calling our last time out? Alex, listen to me.
There's seven seconds left in this game.
I didn't spend three days building a field, sleeping in a barn, drinking milk from a cow's tit and getting punched in the face by a giant douchebag for me! I did it for you.
Thanks, bud.
Hey, coach, last play of the game.
I think we run a post to the corner.
Their DBs are tired.
Look.
Coach, put me in the game.
We're on offense, Thad.
I know, but this might be the last time I ever put on this uniform.
And I want the weight of this game on my shoulders.
Look, I can't do that.
He's right, coach.
Who knows if any of us are gonna play again next year? No one wants this win more than the guys who didn't get to play in the Bowl game.
Now if you meant what you said in the barn, and you really want us to play for that moment, you've gotta let us.
I want to kiss you so bad right now, Moran.
All right.
I want in too, coach.
Me too.
All right, you guys, you can play.
Get in there.
I don't know, coach.
Let them play.
All right.
All right.
Yes.
All right, this is what we're gonna do, okay? T-formation, all right? They're gonna come hard from the left side which should leave the right wide open.
Harmon, you're the quick out.
- Larry, you're the safety underneath.
Got it? - Right.
- Are we good? - Wait, what do I do again? Just keep Stalin off me.
Don't you dare try to run it at me, Castle.
- All right, you guys remember what to do? - Is this a joke? - Am I running or are you? - The only joke is that haircut, Stalin.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Hit.
Whoo! Yeah! We did it, Sammy! You know my name! Yeah! You saved us today.
Whoo! - Hey.
- Hey.
You are all right, Moran.
You too, Castle.
Awesome job building a field.
Finaly! We did it! Yes! Yes! We did it, coach.
We finaly did it! All right, give it back.
- What? - We didn't play for that.
- What?! - Just give it back.
Oh, man! Hey, Thad.
God saved me enough weed, to add an extra foot to the mega spliff.
Shit! Let's light it up! Say " BMS".
BMS!
Before the suspensions Blue Mountain State was favored by three points, but by game time Blackwell U was favored by 17.
Feels good to be a champion.
That was the easiest game we've played all year by far.
You know, we didn't want to win it this way.
We wanted to beat their best-- Thad Castle, Moran, coach Daniels.
And it sucks because now there's always gonna be doubters.
And doubters should know that we'd play - the real BMS team anytime.
- Anywhere.
At what point did you realize that you had won the championship? Well, when we went up by five touchdowns, our offense took its foot off the gas.
There ain't no way BMS was gonna score on our D-- no way! We played by the rules all season.
BMS did not.
That's why I'm sitting here tonight and coach Daniels is wherever he is.
Coach, your system seemed to fall apart today without Alex Moran at quarterback.
Do you stand by your system? I think the system still works.
I can plug players in.
Just today it didn't work out as I had hoped, that's all.
Do you think you're still employable as a D1 head coach after such an embarrassing debut? So the Blackwell Warriors are the new national champions.
But are they the best team in college football? I still think it's Blue Mountain State, but we'll never know.
You son of a bitch.
Thad.
Thad Castle.
Thad! Hey, Thad! Wake up, Thad.
Thad, wake up.
Hey, Thad.
Wake up, Thad.
And the Blackwell Warriors are the 2012 national champions! I want to beat Thad Castle.
Anytime.
Anywhere.
Can you feel that? You better hold on.
This one's about to get bumpy.
Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now.
Alex, what's up, buddy? Wow, you look terrible.
Hey, I've got an idea.
What do you say me and you go watch the girls' tennis team practice, right? - No.
- Come on, man, it'll be good.
You haven't been out of the house in a week.
I no longer care about the passage of time, Sammy.
Plus Donnie bet me I couldn't eat an entire pizza in one sitting.
Come on, man.
It was only one game.
Hey, remember when we were little we used to play football in your backyard? We played that game, and then after that game we'd start another game.
That's the great thing about football-- there's always next season, right? You're right, Sammy.
It was just one game.
But really, maybe they're all just one game.
Maybe I shouldn't care about any of 'em.
I'm not finished.
- It wasn't just one game.
- Oh you.
It was my last shot at a title.
And those bastards at the NCAA just took it away from me.
And why? Because I did a little rabies, I made a sexy tape? They took it away from you because you told them all of those things.
For the last time, I didn't know he was recording me! On 12 separate occasions? - Ah.
- He was buying me drinks! I know I screwed up, guys.
I'm gonna make it up to you, I swear.
Hey, guys, I've got a better way to spend the time.
It's called the best weed you've ever smoked.
And I'm going to use it to roll a mega spliff so big it will take our entire o-line a week to finish it.
I love it.
Follow me.
I have the answers you're looking for.
- How did you do that? - Do what? Darlene, what happened to all my pictures? Tony took them down.
It was bumming out the customers.
Why don't you ask Tony to come out and tell me that to my face? - Let's not make a scene, Marty.
- Shh! I am so sorry I bum you all out.
I only gave you assholes You know what? You tell Tony that I lied about him having the best coffee in town.
Yeah, and I think he's fat.
Come on, Jon Jon.
- Just a little piece of pie.
- Come on! So how big is this joint gonna be? I'm thinking maybe 4' long, about 1 1/2' around.
Let's make it 5', huh? Excuse me just for a moment, gentlemen.
- Hey, Thad.
- Hey.
Mind if I borrow the keys to your truck? What for? Are you looking for answers? Sure, something like that.
Yeah, sure thing.
There you go.
Oh.
Damn it! Where are we? The promised land, Alex.
Follow me.
I just lost a six-pack.
- Where are we going? - Yeah, Harmon.
You know what they say-- the man with the hash is the man with the stash.
- Holy mother of Mary.
- This is yours?! I planted this marijuana field when I was in my freshman year.
The farmer's cool with it and he gets all the free weed he wants.
Here is your answer.
This looks about ready to harvest.
What do you say we sample it tonight? I'm in.
Thank you, God! Let's go.
What are we doing here again? You're my houseboy, Mascot.
You don't ask questions.
You follow me and obey orders.
Are you gonna kill me? Holy shit! Is all this weed for us? It's for all of us.
I'm gonna start chopping.
You start hauling.
I'll explain later.
If I could have one wish? I'd wish for the chance to kick the shit out of that cheap punk Alex Moran.
I'd take him to a dark place, baby.
I was gonna say $50 million, but that sounds all right too.
God, I hate those guys.
It doesn't help that they're so handsome! Did we make out before? Mm-hmm.
It was much better the last time, wasn't it? Yeah, okay.
God, I think there's something wrong with the beer, guys.
It's giving me bad breath.
Mine tastes fine.
Have you guys seen Sammy? Is he okay? Who cares? I heard that, Larry.
And God heard that too and he's on my side right now.
So if I were you, I'd shut up.
Have you seen Sammy? You know what? I say screw BMS.
You should be coaching pros anyway, Marty.
Call Jerry Jones.
He'll hire you.
He'll hire anybody.
Hey, coach, I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for ruining my career.
You did that to yourself.
Oh, no, I did not bring shame to this program with an NCAA scandal.
That was you.
You wanted your shot and you got it.
But you couldn't handle it and now you want to blame me, right? Yeah? If you could just control your players a little bit better, we wouldn't be in this situation.
- Hey, don't you tell me how to-- - Coach, come on.
Hey, I don't ever want to see your face in this locker room again.
Oh, you'll see it again from another sideline next year, you cheating has-been! I'm okay, all right? Relax.
- Mascot.
- Yeah? Make me some eggs.
You've got it, boss.
Hey, what the hell are you two doing sleeping in my barn? Sir, my name is Thad Castle.
I'm a Blue Mountain State football player who's been chosen by God to carry out a mission on your farm.
God speaks to you, son? He sent me here.
This is my houseboy.
His name is Mascot.
How's it going? - Gun! Gun! - What? Anything I can do to help, Mr.
Castle? We want to beat Thad Castle.
And after we beat him, he can suck our schlongs.
Are you okay? I was dreaming.
Nice.
You need a tissue? Why would I need a tissue? A wet dream.
I used to get them all the time, real bad too.
I'd like wake up all sticky, icky.
Ugh, but it made me feel so good though.
I'd wake up.
I was like having sex with this girl for like 11 minutes in my dream.
It's time to invite Blackwell to play.
Yeah, have you seen Alex and the guys? They are in no shape to play football.
They'll play.
God told me so.
I can picture this joint already.
It's gonna be like a huge zeppelin.
Yeah, man, we'll call it the Hindenburg, watch it go up in flames.
Oh, the humanity! Oh! You know, the Hindenburg wasn't funny, man.
Larry, I think you're the one who needs this joint more than all of us.
All right, boys, get ready to feast your eyes on this.
Hey! See? I told you they'd come.
Hey! What did you do with all my weed? - That was here? - What did you--? Whoo! You tore up my pot field so you could build a football field?! - Correct.
- Where's all the weed?! I burned it to get God high.
I wanted to thank him for my visions.
Let's talk about your vision, Thad.
What do you expect to do at this stupid field of yours? - Exactly, dude.
- We're gonna play for the national title.
Bullshit.
Don't tell me you wouldn't kill to have a shot at those assholes, Moran.
They've been spouting off for weeks now about how they wish that they played the real BMS.
They said, "anytime, anywhere.
" Blackwell is not gonna want to play your stupid game that doesn't even matter.
It does matter.
And they are gonna show.
The wheels are already in motion.
Girls, cheerleaders, we've got a mission! I'm gonna need your scooters! Seriously? This is what you guys do when I'm not around? Let's go! To Blackwell! Whoo! Whoo whoo whoo whoo! Let's go! Ugh.
Are you all right? Yeah.
I was just thinking this could be the last time I set foot in this locker room.
You don't mean that.
Even if they wanted me back, between the scandal, the NCAA and all the political bullshit, I don't know if I'd want the job.
Everybody grab your gear.
What the hell is this? Thad has the whole team convinced we're gonna play Blackwell in the morning.
Is that a joke? It's not a joke.
We're gonna need you, coach.
What the? Whoo! Whoo! Who wants to start the ruckus? Who wants to start the ruckus? Who wants to start the ruckus? Yeah! Hello.
My name is Sammy Cacciatore.
I come bearing a message from Thad Castle.
"Dear Blackwell, you idiot douchebags have been talking a lot of trash.
I'm offering you a chance to back it up-- tomorrow morning, sunup, on a neutral field.
No media.
No hype.
Just two teams battling to decide once and for all who the real champion is.
" You can't be serious.
I'm not done yet.
"On that field we will destroy your asses like they've never been destroyed before.
Stalin, Alex Moran will make you look even dumber than you already do in that piece of shit, outdated mullet.
Wilson, I will personally sack you more times than the Hell's Angels have sacked your mom.
You're all a bunch of gutless pussies.
The BMS Goats.
" Did you just call me a pussy? I did.
I did, yeah.
Oh, Thad Castle wanted me to tell you one more thing, so Oh! Damn it.
Wow, you look really mad now.
You're a big dude.
Whoa! Oh my God.
Holy shit.
I built it all by myself.
Can you believe it, coach? Wow.
It really is pretty good, isn't it, coach? You mean Blackwell's gonna come here? They're not coming.
He's just setting us up for another letdown.
Let's just go back to the Goat House and drink.
Yeah! Whoo! It worked! It's happening! Whoo! Sammy? Yeah! Whoo! Oh my God.
Yes! Whoo! Yeah! What the hell happened to your face? Blackwell did this to me, man.
They jumped me and the cheerleaders for no reason.
I didn't do anything.
That little shit mascot wasn't kidding, was he? Daniels.
Are we really gonna do this? That trophy means nothing to me unless we beat you for it.
Oh, screw this.
I'm out of here.
Moran, where are you going? Home.
I'm done with this shit.
The beer hasn't tasted as good these last few days, has it? How did you know that? You've had the taste of winning.
Now there's no going back.
Once you try, beer loses taste, sex loses its squishiness, pot loses its highness until you win again.
BMS is considered the home team.
Blackwell calls it in the air.
This is heads.
This is tails.
Heads.
It's tails.
- Yes, we'll - Take the ball.
Yes, Moran.
You're gonna regret that decision, Moran.
Okay, I don't know how we got here, but we're here.
Now all the anger and aggression that you've felt the last few weeks at those trash talkers, at the NCAA, - now is the time to let it all out.
- That's right, that's right.
Let's show 'em what real champions looks like.
Yeah! Let's go kick the shit out of those guys on this awesome field that I built all by myself with no help.
- Bring it in.
On three! - Yes.
- One, two, three.
- Go Goats! BMS! BMS! Whoo! - What are you doing? - I was taking a piss over there.
I was looking for you.
Hammer two.
Hammer two.
Hut.
Whoo! All day, Moran! You're nothing! I don't think so.
What's going on? You ran three plays.
We lost 11 yards.
Do you have anything that works? - I'm trying, coach.
- Jeez.
Hey, Stalin, you suck and you punch like a little bitch! - I need a ride.
- What about the game? - This is for the game.
- Girls, quickly, take this woman anywhere she wants to go! Get out of here! Go go go! Go.
Hey, Wilson, here I come-- your worst nightmare, a freight train full of balls, muscles and tackles.
Down.
Hit.
Shit! Damn it.
Castle, I'm starting to think the NCAA did you guys a favor by not letting you play in that game, saved you the embarrassment.
Waitress, waitress, hey, can you give me a couple more beers, please? Oh, and an espresso.
Those will be your fifth and sixth beers.
- So? - So it's 9:30 in the morning.
What, are you my mother? Get a life.
Marcus.
God, what, is this? Bitch Central? I'm here to make you an offer to make things right.
There's a game going on as we speak in a cornfield outside of town, BMS vs.
Blackwell.
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
Marty needs you.
They're all over him.
I'm done here.
And you can tell Marty, whatever he needs-- he can shove it up his ass.
- Watch your language.
- No, you watch your language.
Cut the poor-me bullshit.
This game's real.
You'll have Moran, Castle-- all your weapons.
You've played Blackwell once before.
You have insight Marty doesn't have.
You're serious about this.
This is your one chance at redemption.
Do you want it or not? Down goes the big man.
Have fun in rehab.
Blue 16.
I smell me some fresh meat, boys.
Set.
Hit.
Whoo! Yeah! Jesus, Moran, your cheerleaders put up more of a fight than you.
Souvenir? Whoo! I'm gonna kill you! You son of a-- you're going down, Moran! I'm taking you down! That's the half.
Might have to amputate that ankle.
I would if it would make it feel better.
I don't think I can play.
If I still had my pot, I'd get you so high you wouldn't feel a thing, but our asshole captain burned it to get God high.
Yeah, he didn't burn it.
What? He told me to burn it, but I'm not an asshole.
Follow me.
What did I tell you? Et voila! I was so sure you guys were gone.
Are you crying? Oh okay.
That's weird.
You are one weird guy, man.
Look, there's got to be someplace where they're vulnerable defensively.
They're kicking our asses.
I didn't see any, Marty.
This is a private meeting.
What the hell are you doing here? Oh man, I knew this was a bad idea.
- Yeah, it was a bad idea, asshole.
- Hey.
Marty, shut up and listen.
What, are you two both that arrogant to think you got here alone? Yes.
Marty, your offense is getting crushed out there.
And yes, Gilday can be a selfish prick, but he knows how to run an offense.
If this team has any chance at winning today, it's gonna start with you two.
You know, I grew up watching you, coach.
I used to want to be you.
And when I got to BMS, I guess I just wanted it so bad that I lost sight of what it was that I loved about coaching in the first place.
- What about Stanford? - Screw Stanford.
I only ever coached at Stanford because my wife wanted me to.
She left me, by the way.
She said she couldn't stand being married to a loser.
I am sorry about everything.
Let me make it up to you right now.
- Yeah.
- Hmm? Tell me I'm the greatest coach that ever lived.
You are the greatest coach that ever lived.
You always come through for me, buddy.
You want some, Alex? No, he doesn't.
He needs to focus.
I need to focus? How did you talk me into this in the first place? - This is a stupid idea! - This isn't over yet! Might as well be! All right, everybody listen up.
That was the worst half of football I think we've ever played.
But it's behind us.
You know, what I said before the game about how this game was about sticking it to all the people who wronged us.
Well, I was wrong.
This game should be a celebration.
There's no media.
There's no money.
There's no NCAA.
There's no bullshit.
It's just football.
I want you all to close your eyes and think about the first time in your life when you realized how much you love this game.
What a beautiful day.
You know, Thad, there's no money in rollerblading.
- So what? - I'm just saying you can make a billion dollars playing football.
A billion dollars? Thanks, dad.
I love you! Hit this, little cousin, and you can smoke a bowl out of each bong.
Yeah! Pack 'em up, cousin Denis.
Yes.
Man, I love football so much.
Me too.
Now I want you to do another thing for me.
I want you to stop playing this game for that crystal trophy and play this game for that moment.
All right, everybody listen up.
We've been running screens to the left all game, but in the championship game that was their strongest side of the line.
Moran, I want you to fake a screen to the right, drawing over the left side.
And that leaves the middle wide open for a draw.
I've been faking screens all day.
They've been all over me.
That's 'cause you're not selling it, Moran.
You've got to make them believe that when you pump, that ball is going to leave your hand just like you make every single girl believe that she's the only one for you right before you take them to bed.
- Hmm? - Sounds mean when you say it like that.
- Yeah.
- It's a pretty good metaphor though.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Hey, are you all right, Donnie? How's the leg? I've never felt better, coach.
Put me in.
Put-- put me-- put me in, coach.
Put me in please.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Hut hut.
Hit.
Hit.
Donnie.
All right.
All right, Donnie's stoned off his ass right now.
So nobody moves until you see the ball move, understood? - Ready? - Break.
Blue 16.
Hut.
Hike.
Offside.
Defense.
Blue 16.
Set.
Hut.
Offside.
Defense.
I can't stop laughing.
Snap the damn ball, fatty! Hit.
Uh-oh, that's a touchdown! That's six! That's six! That's six! That's six! Check out, check out.
Watch the play action.
Hit.
Whoo! What time is it? It's sack time! What time is it? It's sack time! You just got sacked! Oh shit, did I ring your bell? Whoo! Hey, Stalin, you want to know something? I built this field all by myself with no help.
For real.
Yeah! Razor two! Razor two! Red one.
Red one.
Red one.
Red one.
Set.
Hut.
- Go up the middle! - Shit.
- Oh! - Jesus.
That must've hurt.
No way.
Is he all right? Go deep, Sammy.
Set.
Set.
Hit.
I'm open.
I'm open.
Yay! We won! - Nice throw.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Time out, ref! Time out! Time out.
Blue.
What the hell is the mascot doing calling our last time out? Alex, listen to me.
There's seven seconds left in this game.
I didn't spend three days building a field, sleeping in a barn, drinking milk from a cow's tit and getting punched in the face by a giant douchebag for me! I did it for you.
Thanks, bud.
Hey, coach, last play of the game.
I think we run a post to the corner.
Their DBs are tired.
Look.
Coach, put me in the game.
We're on offense, Thad.
I know, but this might be the last time I ever put on this uniform.
And I want the weight of this game on my shoulders.
Look, I can't do that.
He's right, coach.
Who knows if any of us are gonna play again next year? No one wants this win more than the guys who didn't get to play in the Bowl game.
Now if you meant what you said in the barn, and you really want us to play for that moment, you've gotta let us.
I want to kiss you so bad right now, Moran.
All right.
I want in too, coach.
Me too.
All right, you guys, you can play.
Get in there.
I don't know, coach.
Let them play.
All right.
All right.
Yes.
All right, this is what we're gonna do, okay? T-formation, all right? They're gonna come hard from the left side which should leave the right wide open.
Harmon, you're the quick out.
- Larry, you're the safety underneath.
Got it? - Right.
- Are we good? - Wait, what do I do again? Just keep Stalin off me.
Don't you dare try to run it at me, Castle.
- All right, you guys remember what to do? - Is this a joke? - Am I running or are you? - The only joke is that haircut, Stalin.
Blue 16.
Blue 16.
Hit.
Whoo! Yeah! We did it, Sammy! You know my name! Yeah! You saved us today.
Whoo! - Hey.
- Hey.
You are all right, Moran.
You too, Castle.
Awesome job building a field.
Finaly! We did it! Yes! Yes! We did it, coach.
We finaly did it! All right, give it back.
- What? - We didn't play for that.
- What?! - Just give it back.
Oh, man! Hey, Thad.
God saved me enough weed, to add an extra foot to the mega spliff.
Shit! Let's light it up! Say " BMS".
BMS!