Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Useless Potheads

1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola They're sending my mom home in a couple of days.
Ah, that's wonderful news.
Anyway, I'm gonna move her into my house so that I can take care of her, but I'm gonna need some help.
You're going to need a lot of help.
Until your mother gets well, she cannot use the bathroom by herself, bathe, eat, dress.
Basically, you got a 70-year-old baby who knows how to bust your balls.
Look, I don't want to hire a stranger.
And you mentioned that you sometimes do private care in people's homes, so I was wondering if you would consider doing this for my mom.
I need to stay with my mom for a couple of days until she gets settled, so I was hoping you guys could keep an eye on things for me - while I'm gone.
- Of course we can.
Ugh! This needs salt.
You heard the doctor.
No salt.
Come on.
It's just you and me.
No one needs to know.
I know.
Forget the salt.
You love this, don't you? Love what? Being mean to me.
It's not mean to want you to get well.
But yes, I enjoy it.
Okay, I know the answer to this, but I got to ask No beer.
I told you.
One light beer.
- Stop.
- No, this is me compromising.
I really want a fifth of bourbon and a carton of menthols.
No alcohol until you are well.
Alcohol will make me well.
And funnier.
Finish your food and I'll be right back.
When I die, I'm gonna haunt you.
You are haunting me now.
I'm sorry, Goodwin, I'm not gonna be there.
You're gonna have to take the meeting without me.
Just tell them the truth, my mother had a stroke.
Sure, put out some coffee, grab some supermarket muffins, whatever you want.
No, not sushi.
Well, I don't care if you love it.
Sashimi is still sushi.
I guess we're gonna have to come up with some kind of schedule of who takes care of Mom and when.
We don't need a schedule.
We're here whenever she needs us, for however long she needs us.
I just can't do next Saturday.
I can't, either.
I have a date.
- With who? - It's "with whom," and I don't know yet.
Well, what am I supposed to do? - I made plans.
- Christina, drinking alone at the Red Onion is not a plan.
Okay, fine.
California rolls, spicy tuna and yellowtail.
That's it.
Why not? Yeah, I'm very excited.
Okay, I have to go.
Your mother is all set, but she'll need help getting to the bathroom.
Uh, can't she do, like, a bedpan or something? She would prefer not to, and if she's going to get better, she needs to start moving around.
Question: when you say, "help" her go to the bathroom, what exactly are we talking about? Whatever she needs.
All right, I'm gonna say it out loud: that really frightens me.
Come on, Douglas, grow up.
If Dad were still alive, would you be comfortable pulling down his pajamas and fishing around for his - Okay.
All right.
- Just show us what we got to do, and we'll do it.
Christina, let's pretend you are your mother, and I'll show Douglas and Bob how to put you in the wheelchair.
Uh, but how should I play this? Am I waking up? Am I hungry? Do I have go number one? Number two? It does not matter.
I'm gonna say hungry and number one.
She went to theater camp in high school.
It was a performing arts camp, and I made some lifelong friendships.
I am in the middle of a 15-hour day.
Can we please do this? - Sorry.
- Sorry.
Douglas, lift your sister to a sitting position.
All righty.
Tell her what you are doing as you are doing it, so she can participate.
Mom, I'm helping you sit up.
You smell like reefer! Bob, move her legs to the floor.
What are you doing?! Don't touch me! Sorry.
Mom, I'm moving your legs to the floor.
Hear this? Jackie Gleason thinks I'm his mother.
Now, on the count of three, lift Christina up and put her in the wheelchair.
One, two, three.
All right.
Now gently lower her in the wheelchair.
- Ow! - Oh, my God! We'll do better with Mom.
Okay, Mrs.
Wheeler, I'll see you tomorrow.
If you need anything, your children are here.
I don't want them.
I want you.
You'll be fine.
My children will just let me lay around in my own filth.
That's not true.
You don't know! They don't love me! They only love themselves! She's talking about you.
Um, excuse me, but I hate myself.
Abishola, can I ask you a favor? - Of course.
- I've seen the way my Bob looks at you.
Any chance you can give me a grandchild before I die? Ah, God.
Come on, Bob.
Before she dies.
Hey, thanks for today.
We'd never get through this without you.
- You're welcome.
- And just so you know, I kind of overheard that thing my mom said about grandchildren.
You get that that's just stroke talk? - Don't worry about it.
- I'm not worried.
I I just don't want you to be uncomfortable.
I am fine.
She's really taken a shine to you.
A shine? Uh, she likes you.
Well, it is not uncommon for a patient to feel affection for their caregiver.
That makes sense.
When you were in the hospital, you did it with me.
I don't think that was the same thing.
That was exactly the same thing.
You had the shine Well, what about you? After they put the stents in, you sang me that song.
Are you telling me you do that with all your patients? Yes.
My nickname at work is Celine Adebambo.
I'm never gonna win an argument with you, am I? - This is not an argument.
- Ah.
I am so upset Angela dumped Chris.
He was a good guy.
He slept with Rebecca two hours after he arrived in the house.
He's a douche.
So he's got game What's wrong with that? Nothing.
I just like to see a little romance on my Love Island.
Thank you.
Douglas? Christina? I have to pee! Well, we knew this time would come.
Yeah, it's what we trained for.
You ready? Let's do this.
Just so we're clear, if I should see my mother's genitals, I will have to kill myself.
- Okay, now you have to do it to me.
- Okay.
Where is this Love Island? Don't worry about it.
You are not going there.
Good evening, Auntie.
Good evening, Uncle.
- Hello.
- Abishola.
Your dinner is on the stove.
Ah, thank you.
I'll eat it at work.
How is Bob's mother? Struggling.
It's going to be a long, hard recovery.
Well, maybe that's a silver lining.
You'll have more time to spend with Bob.
Really, Auntie? A woman has a stroke, and you call it a silver lining? Excuse me.
If Tunde's grandmother had not drowned in a flood, he and I would have never met.
I still think of her when it rains.
All right, mission accomplished.
Yeah, look at us: Dottie's toilet team.
Maybe we should get T-shirts made.
And hats.
So, what do you want to do? Uh, sleep, read a book, watch some TV? Thanks for describing the rest of my life.
Tell you what, why don't we watch some TV together? Oh, yeah! Just like when we were kids.
Oh, for God's sake.
Oh, come on, this is nice.
We're snuggle buddies.
You guys really love me? - Of course.
- Always.
Then run down the street and get Mommy a six-pack.
Hey, it is just like when we were kids.
I'm not kidding around.
How'd it go? Wonderful.
The yellowtail was a big hit.
You cannot entertain important buyers with supermarket muffins.
If they think you are cheap, they will think your socks are cheap.
Thanks for the tip.
Look, after my mom gets settled, I'll give them a call and follow up.
No need.
We closed the deal.
What? You closed it? Were we not supposed to? No, I just didn't think they were ready to commit.
They weren't, but Goodwin smelled blood in the water.
He was like a shark who sells therapeutic socks.
Kofo here, he was the closer.
They couldn't say no after I told them how he escaped from a refugee camp by hiding in the bottom of a Porta Potti.
Wow, Kofo, I never heard that story.
That's because it's nonsense.
I flew here on Delta.
There was a six-hour delay in Atlanta.
Very unpleasant.
I don't know what to say, guys.
Thank you.
Good job.
I'll make sure there's a little extra in your year-end bonus.
Actually, Goodwin and I were thinking more along the lines of a commission.
- Commission? - Yes.
Perhaps ten percent.
- Ten percent? - Okay, no problem.
Seven and a half and we all stay friends.
Wheeler, Goodwin and I are spicy tuna on crispy rice.
Don't treat us like supermarket muffins.
You are too generous.
I'm leaving for work.
I just wanted to say good night.
Good night, Mum.
Have you done all your homework? - Yes.
- Good boy.
Did you get the grade for your mathematics test? I got an "A.
" Anyone else get an "A"? - No.
- Alone at the top.
All right, I should be home for breakfast.
Aren't you tired? I have no time to be tired.
Maybe when you're a doctor, I'll take a nap.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mum.
I got, I got, I got, I got Loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA Quarter piece, got war and peace inside my DNA I got power, poison, pain and joy inside my DNA I got hustle though, ambition, flow inside my DNA I was born like this, since one like this Immaculate conception I transform like this, perform like this Was Yeshua's new weapon I don't contemplate, I meditate Then off your, off your head This that put-the-kids-to-bed This that I got, I got, I got, I got.
All right, see you in the morning.
Abishola, I know you are working very hard, and I am proud of you.
- Thank you, Auntie.
- Tunde is proud of you, too.
Tunde? Oh.
Uh, every day, - you impress me - That's enough.
Thank you, Uncle.
And with the extra money I'm making, I can contribute more to what I'm paying in rent.
What a lovely surprise.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night, Abishola.
Look at that, you didn't even have to ask.
I asked.
Were you not listening? stocks extended their gains Wednesday amid positive views on the sector from Wall Street.
But blue chips fell victim to a setoff after a two-session rally that propelled the Baby's asleep.
Want to smoke a joint? Yes.
You know, I was nervous about all this, but we're doing a really good job.
I agree.
I'm actually rethinking adopting that Chinese baby.
You should.
You have a lot of love to give.
Ever since they changed my meds, my heart's been really open.
Hey, instead of a baby, what about a 16-year-old? Then we can outsource all the wiping and whatnot.
So you want me to adopt a kid and make 'em a slave? It's not slavery.
It's just chores.
Farm kids do it.
They turn out mostly okay.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, that didn't last long.
Should we go in there or let her cry herself back to sleep? We better go.
I can't get over how helpful we are.
What's going on? I'm fine.
Don't-don't worry about it.
Mom, I know this is hard right now, but we'll get through it.
Every time I wake up I think I'm okay.
And then I remember That you're really not.
- Yeah.
- That only half of you works.
Yes, Douglas.
You know what, this isn't forever.
At some point, you're gonna get better.
- We don't know when.
- Or how much better.
- But it'll happen.
- Or not.
Please go away.
We are staying right here.
Hey, how 'bout we do something fun? Play a little Texas hold 'em? Yeah.
You love that.
Okay, wait here.
I'm gonna go get the cards.
Can you hold 'em? A toast.
To closers.
- To closers! - To closers! I'll tell you guys, if I had my druthers, I'd fire Douglas and Christina, make you both vice presidents.
- To druthers! - To druthers! You know, I can't.
They're family.
I got to look out for 'em.
You are a good man.
Family is very important.
But so is having a successful company.
You need to look to the future.
Which is right in front of you.
Damn, you guys are good salesmen.
Because we are closers.
- Closers! - Closers! Mm.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Douglas.
What's up? We were just wondering when you're gonna be back.
Well, is everything okay? I can't do it if you're looking at me, Christina! I'm not looking! And I can smell the pot! Don't think I don't smell the pot! It's not great.
Well, you're gonna have to hold down the fort, 'cause all hell's breaking loose here.
I'm not gonna be home till late.
All right.
Just please hurry.
You bet.
Another round over here! Hey, after we close this joint down, how 'bout we go for pancakes? - To pancakes! - To pancakes! Ah, damn.
I got a weak hand.
Sorry, Mom.
I don't want to play anymore.
Smart, Douglas.
Real smart.
Hey, you're the one that told her to shuffle up and deal.
I-I want to make a phone call.
Yeah, sure.
Let me just grab a thumb here.
There we go.
Okay, who we calling? That number.
All righty.
Oh, look.
You had a full house.
Lucky you.
I'm gonna stop talking.
Wheeler? Help me, Abishola! My children are useless potheads! That's not true.
It's not true! It's a little true.
What is going on? You got to come back! I cannot do that right now, Mrs.
I'm working at the hospital.
Christina, take me to the hospital.
No, you do not need to come here.
You are fine.
I will check on you as soon as I can.
Don't bother! I'll be dead! Thank you, sweetheart.
All right.
Try to keep the body count down while I'm gone.
Gloria, - can I ask you a question? - Yeah, make it fast.
Kemi's taking me out for my first Nigerian food.
Bring me leftovers.
I may bring you back the whole thing.
So what's up? - I'm worried about Bob's mother.
- What about her? She does not trust her children to take care of her, and I cannot be there all the time.
I don't know what to do.
I know what to do.
- What? - Nothing.
She's not your problem.
You put in your hours, then you bounce.
But I care about Mrs.
Wheeler or the sock man? Bob has nothing to do with this.
Forget I said anything.
Please don't do that.
You ready? Mm-hmm.
O dabo.
O dabo.
What was that about? Trouble at the Wheelers'.
Again? Just marry the fat man and get it over with! Mm.
Useless potheads.
- Hey.
- Shh.
- She okay? - Yes.
I didn't think you were coming till this afternoon.
I'm not staying.
I just wanted to check on her.
That's really nice.
Thank you.
How are you doing? A little hungover but okay.
Huh? You went out drinking last night? This is hard.
I needed a break.
It gets easier.
It's easier with you here.
I wasn't completely honest with you yesterday.
- Really? - Yes.
When we first met at the hospital, I did like you a little bit.
I knew it.
You had the shine.
You're sweet.
And you're a good son.
And sometimes you're funny.
- Sometimes? - Yes, sometimes.
Don't push it.
Come on.
I'll drive you home.

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