Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s03e03 Episode Script


1 Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola Nigeria will be good for you.
I will miss you.
You have the best of both worlds.
Six months with your father, and six months with me.
Yeah, and if you tell me say make I bend low I no go waste time, but to do like so This is so much better than my first wedding.
Mine, too.
ALL: Up Nepa! ("OLO MI" CONTINUES) Eh-eh! Why are we going through downtown? Listen well well.
You should be on I-94.
No wahala.
What? Stick to 94.
"Johnny Just-Come" over here.
I see my country has rubbed off on you.
It's my new favorite place.
It's where I married the love of my life, and I found out I could wear the hell out of a dashiki.
It does suit you.
You know, the wedding was not how we planned it, - but it was still perfect.
- Mm.
I think your dad liked me.
He even hugged me goodbye.
That is one more hug than I have ever gotten.
Come on.
My mother said, when I was born, he shook my hand.
(LAUGHS) I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep.
The best part of every trip is getting home to your own bed.
My own bed.
Nice and firm, help out my back.
So soft I can sink into it.
My light cotton sheets.
My heavy, weighted blanket.
Like sleeping on a cloud.
Like sleeping in a cozy grave.
You know, we have our whole lives to sleep together.
What are you saying? Abishola, my wife, would you do me the honor of sleeping in your own bed tonight so that I can sleep in mine and spread out like a starfish? Oh, I will.
- I love you so much.
- (CHUCKLES) Eh-eh, two stops, Uncle.
Uncle? You want me to call you something else? 'Cause I will.
- Did you spend the night here? - Yes.
- Without Bob? - Yes.
What did you do? - Was there a fight? - Did you hit him? No.
Bob and I just wanted to spend the night in our own beds.
Oluwa mi o.
What will the neighbors say? The neighbors will not know.
They will when she tells them.
Am I supposed to talk about the weather? My niece's marriage is falling apart.
Abishola, you understand that we care about you very much.
I do.
So know this comes from a place of love.
Leave this apartment and never come back.
Do not make us spend money on changing the locks.
It is just one night.
Maybe two.
I slept so soundly.
Call the locksmith.
There's the happy couple.
- Welcome home.
- Thank you.
I'll warn you, it's a lot different knowing you can't leave.
(LAUGHS) Where should I put this? Anywhere you want.
- How come she gets a lamp? - What? When you forced me to move in, I wasn't allowed to bring any personal effects.
You didn't let her bring anything? I let her move into my home.
I built you a gym! I didn't ask for that torture chamber.
Your torture chamber is one room.
Mine was my whole childhood.
Give it a rest, will ya?! Please stop fighting.
- What do you mean? - Yeah, we're just talking.
I'll let you two settle in.
Honey, I'm so happy you're here.
So am I.
If you need me, I'll be in my cell.
My yard time is up.
I'm the one in prison.
DOTTIE: I'll see you at dinner! - We're having steak! - Again?! Let's get you unpacked.
"Welcome to the Number Two Club"? Husband number two.
Same as us.
That is the card I signed? Yes.
You got a dead husband and a serious boyfriend.
You're an honorary member.
Do not put me in your failure club.
You two are divorced, while my dear husband was tragically taken from me.
"Dear husband"? You hated him.
But I suffered through it to the end.
Which is why I will be going to heaven, while you both are iffy.
- (SCOFFS) - Well, I'm happy for you.
I am happy for me, too.
I never thought I would get married again.
He wooed you with socks.
What woman can resist that? And now we are building a home together.
- Is there a prenup? - No.
Then it really is your home.
Doesn't get more domestic than this, huh? Next we'll be getting a dog.
We are not getting a dog.
Never say never.
Here it is.
This is the couch I wanted.
- Wow.
- I know.
That's why we had to get here before someone else snapped it up.
Well, looks like we beat the rush.
Isn't it elegant? Sure.
That's one word for it.
You have to move back.
What do you think? I kinda feel like a toddler.
You don't like it.
No, it's not that I don't like it.
It's just maybe we could look at something that's more traditionally sittable.
Stuck the landing! Hold on, what do we have here? Now, yours may be elegant, but this one has cupholders.
I have always dreamt of a couch like this.
You know, when I was 23, I studied for a semester in Morocco.
- I didn't know that.
- Mm-hmm.
I lived with two friends over a café that had something similar.
Okay, now, somebody was thinkin'.
Tell me more about that place.
It was beautiful.
The owners knew I could not afford much, so they would let me sit with one coffee for hours, just watching people.
- (CHAIR VIBRATING) - Ah Bob! Coffee, Morocco.
I'm listening.
The holes were not in this wall when you moved in.
That is where I hung the picture of you and Auntie.
I see.
You never smoked, painted or had a cat in here, correct? Uncle, you know I did not.
This is for you.
My recipe for ogbono soup.
You said you would only give this to me on your deathbed.
No, I said after death, I would tell it to you in a dream.
But I want you to have it now.
So that you and Bob can enjoy a family meal in your new home.
You and Uncle have been such a blessing.
I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't let Dele and I stay here.
I cannot thank you enough.
You do not have to.
We are your family.
(CHUCKLES) Here is your full security deposit.
- Uncle, no - Eh Let him do this.
The wall damage is superficial.
And besides, after I plaster over it, it will be like you were never here.
Thank you.
You are a wonderful niece and an even better tenant.
All right, uh, let's set it right there.
Ah, this is a nice couch.
I am sorry your wife is making you get rid of it.
Oh, no, she's not making me.
I wanted to shake things up.
Oh, it was kind of her to let you think it was your idea.
It was my idea.
And it was my idea to let my wife have both closets while I keep my clothes under the stairs.
Kofo, back me up here.
I am sorry, Mr.
Wheeler, but I barely know anything about you and your wife.
He is still upset we did not get to attend your wedding.
Again, I am sorry about that.
No need to apologize.
I am just one of your many insignificant employees.
Look, after we get the place how we want it, we're gonna have a little get-together for friends and family.
Well, I hope your friends and family have a wonderful time.
No, you guys are invited.
- So just anyone can come.
- Listen, I want you two there.
It'll be a housewarming/wedding party for all the folks who couldn't make it to Lagos.
So a lot of people could not make it? Well, there was you guys, and Gloria, Abishola's nurse friend.
So she was not invited either? I'm not gonna insult you by beating around the bush; she was.
Perhaps that is one bush you should have beaten around.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOB TAPPING GLASS) Abishola and I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate our wedding.
Yes, we are so happy to share this wonderful occasion in our beautiful home.
We thought it was very important to have a party here in Detroit, especially for those of you who couldn't make it to Nigeria.
- Or were not invited.
- You're here now! Please, eat, drink, and above all, do not spill.
- I'd like to say something.
- Sure.
What the hell happened to your house? You are being rude.
- Why don't you mingle? - I cannot.
I am being swallowed by this Moroccan monster.
I will do it.
Okay Okay, we will mingle from here.
Douglas, you gotta take your shoes off.
Didn't you see the sign by the front door? I didn't think that meant me.
Take 'em off.
They're not messing around.
I had to roll my wheels over a wet towel.
Well, I think we did a great job here.
Oh, did "we"? Yeah, we went out furniture shopping, got poufs, rugs, the whole shebang.
I love it.
I feel like I'm in a bustling marketplace in Marrakesh.
That's exactly what we were going for.
" Where's the TV? She removed it, along with Bob's testicles.
- Oh! Oh, hey, Bob.
- Hey, Bob.
- How's it going over here? - Wonderful.
I love what you've done with the place.
Very masculine.
I brought my swimsuit.
We gonna crank up that hot tub a little later? Gloria, it is a cocktail party.
Oh, you're right, a few more of these, who needs a suit? (GLASS CLINKING) I'd like to make a toast.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GLASS CLINKING LOUDER) Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.
Dude, there's not even a TV in there anymore.
It's sad.
I told Abishola to make the place her own, and that's what she did.
The fact that you don't know how sad it is makes it even more sad.
It's a small change in order for Abishola to feel happy here.
She's excited, Douglas.
Do you ever see her excited? Okay, what about you? Do you like how it looks? No, I hate it.
All the furniture is either too small or too big.
Then why did you change it? Because I love my wife.
Douglas, there are more important things in life than my happiness or my comfort.
Okay, what about my happiness and comfort? Where am I supposed to go after a long day to unwind and relax? Your own house! It may come to that.
So, is this your first party in America? Yes, it is.
Well, don't worry, they are not all like this.
- Here you go, love.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, we have not met.
I am Chukwuemeka.
This is Morenike, a cousin of Abishola's staying with her family.
It is wonderful to meet you.
You as well.
- Are you a student? - Yes.
At Wayne State.
I went to Wayne State.
I am studying to become a pharmacist.
(CLEARS THROAT) You are kidding.
I am a pharmacist.
It must be fate that we met.
Yes, what are the odds you would meet another failed doctor? Oh, I think you're supposed to use a coaster for the glasses.
No need.
This is a lovely party.
You don't get out much, do you? Where is Bob? Where is everybody? Sweetheart, you know I love you, but you threw a dud.
A dud? No, don't listen to her.
I'm so proud of you for doing this.
Usually you have your walls up.
You know, fortress Abishola.
But today you let us deep inside you.
And I like it.
That home out on the range I'd like to take you all on a little trip to "La Grange.
" Rest in peace, Dusty Hill.
Oh, here we go.
Now it's a party! - Beer? - Right here.
- How, how, how, how - BOB: How, how, how How, how, how! Uh-oh.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Great party.
I love what you've done with the place.
I'm gonna go check the temperature on the hot tub.
Have mercy on him.
I'm sorry.
Talk to me.
This party is a disaster.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
Everybody hates everything.
I thought Auntie would like the new chair.
It's her favorite color.
What makes you think she doesn't? She said, "I do not like that chair.
" - Well, do you like it? - Yes.
Well, then sorry, Auntie, the chair stays.
It is not just Auntie.
I threw a dud.
Maybe I am the dud.
Okay, first of all, you didn't throw a dud.
We threw a dud.
You don't get to take all the credit.
- You are right.
The party was your idea.
- There you go.
What's the point in being married if you can't blame stuff on your spouse? Forget about the party.
When you walk in the living room, does it feel like our home? Yes.
Then that's all that matters.
I do want to change one thing.
What's that? I think we need a TV in the living room.
I love you so much.
There you are! Abishola needs to change me for the hot tub.
There she is, the Eighth Wonder of the World.
Wheeler, we cannot accept this.
No, no.
Come on.
I want you to have this.
You guys looked after the company for me while I was gone, and you deserve to be rewarded for your efforts.
Go ahead, try it out.
Oh, my.
It's like a cloud is embracing me from below.
Furniture like this helps me to understand how Americans have become so lazy.
Who would get up from this to go to work? Right? Now check this out.
- (VIBRATING) - BOTH: Oh (SIGHS): Ah (VOICE VIBRATING): God bless America.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode