Bob Hearts Abishola (2019) s03e06 Episode Script

The Devil's Throuple

Previously on Bob Hearts Abishola KEMI: So this is what we do: Chukwuemeka and I get back together, and you have your happy son.
So happy.
Then, you and I will need to see the women to see who is fit to bear your grandchildren.
- Wait, what? - Shh.
Why would you get any say in who this new woman should be? The same reason you get a say.
I am his mother.
And I am his Kemi.
Do I get a say? So, what do you think, Auntie? I can find no fault with this arrangement.
Oh, we have not met.
- I am Chukwuemeka.
- This is Morenike.
A cousin of Abishola staying with her family.
It is wonderful to meet you.
You as well.
- Are you a student? - Yes.
At Wayne State.
I went to Wayne State.
I'm studying to become a pharmacist.
Uh-uh, you are kidding.
I am a pharmacist.
It must be fate that we met.
What are the odds you'd meet another failed doctor? My little Puff Puff, I need your magic hands.
There's a knot in my neck.
I would worry more about that hump on your back.
Hello, Auntie.
I thought I felt the temperature drop a few degrees.
I tried to tell you Mummy was here, but you were singing Tina Turner so loud.
Because that is the only way to sing Tina Turner.
I thought you had Bible study.
What happened? Did you finish the book? Tonight I will be doing God's work here.
Then I will let you two and God get to it.
We have chosen who will be the mother of Chukwuemeka's children.
I thought we decided we'd make that choice together.
I thought that, too, but you seem to find a flaw in everyone I suggest.
I did not realize you wanted your son to settle for someone less than perfect.
- He already has.
- Oh, it's not his fault, a boy cannot choose his own mother.
(GROANS) Stop fighting.
Please sit.
Please sit.
Kemi, my love, I know you want what is best for me.
So please do not be angry straightaway.
At least give it a chance.
This girl is from a prestigious family.
She is studious, devoutly religious.
And, most importantly, does not have any sons the same age as Chukwuemeka.
Funmbi is six months younger! Kemi, we have chosen Morenike.
Abishola's cousin.
I see.
And have you spoken to her about this? Not yet, we were going to bring it up in church.
Well, that's good.
I'm so happy she's going again.
She was angry with God for such a long time.
What are you talking about? Oh, she didn't tell you? I shouldn't say anything.
Why was she angry with God? Well, you didn't hear this from me, but she has been married before.
To the Dark Prince.
The Fallen Angel.
- Satan! - Nonsense.
May God strike me down if I am lying.
There you go.
("IFANLA" BY SOLA AKINGBOLA PLAYING) You're still here? Everybody's gone for the day.
I hate bringing work home with me.
I'll sleep a lot better knowing this is done.
You know, when you got demoted to the warehouse floor, I didn't think your ego could take it, but I was wrong.
Sometimes people surprise you, Bob.
Anyway, for my next company car, should I go Camaro SS or stick with a Corvette? This is what you've been working on? For two days.
I'm so stressed, I almost called in sick.
Let me help you.
You're not getting a new company car.
So we're extending the lease - on the one I've got now? - No.
- We're buying it out? - No.
I don't see any other option.
You're not management anymore.
If I get you a company car, I'm gonna have to get one for everybody.
That's really generous of you.
It's not happening, bud.
Look, I get it.
As my boss, you can't be seen giving me special treatment.
But as my big brother As your big brother, no car, idiot.
You struck an employee! I'm telling Mom! Abishola.
What is the medical term for webbed feet? Syndactyly.
Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm creating a fake Wikipedia page about Morenike's family.
They are a sickly bunch.
I am part of Morenike's family.
Oh, good.
I can put "gigantism" in there.
Why are you doing all this? I have to convince Ogechi that Chukwuemeka is marrying a genetic dud.
I think that is a terrible idea.
What choice do I have? I am fighting for the love of my life.
By spreading lies on the Internet? What else is the Internet for? Boy, the things that go on under that wig.
I am sorry, Gloria, but I am desperate.
And if either of you cared about me at all, you would give me the medical term for overly large ears.
Thank you.
(TYPING) I will pair that with "tiny head disease.
" Microcephaly.
- Stop helping her! - (TYPING) Hold still.
- It stings.
- Do not be such a baby.
Last week, someone on the floor lost a finger.
I did not hear about that.
And as long as I am safety manager, no one ever will.
Just got my paycheck.
I don't know how you guys do it.
Do what? You know, live on, you know, this.
You have to be frugal.
I don't know what that is.
It is very simple.
In life, there are things that you need to survive, and things that bring you joy.
Remove all joy.
Then what's the point of living? I do not recommend asking yourself that question.
You do not need to buy joy, it is everywhere.
A quiet sunrise, a warm summer breeze, a discarded joke book you find on the sidewalk.
You found that book on the sidewalk? I think it found me.
Look, it's easy for you guys to say, you were born into frugacity? Fru frugaliciousness? GOODWIN: Frugality.
And I grew up with money.
My father was a judge.
Really? What happened? I decided to forgo my father's wealth and come to this country to make my own way.
(SIGHS) Whoops.
I support my family, I own my own home, and I enjoy my work.
What else is there? So much, you have no idea.
You made the same choice I did, Douglas.
- What do you mean? - You left your cushy office job, to make an honest living on the warehouse floor.
Well, my mom made me do it.
But you did it.
And now you have the pride that comes with making an honest living.
Standing on your own two feet.
I guess I do.
Thanks, guys.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) That was nice, what you said.
It was nonsense.
More tea, Chukwuemeka? Yes, please.
Such a lovely girl.
She also cooks, cleans and has all of her original teeth.
Just like her uncle.
I thought you had a bridge.
And you have seven fillings.
There, all our secrets are out.
Oh, e kaale, everyone.
(OTHERS RESPOND) E kaale, Abishola.
Your mail is on the table there.
- Oh, thank you for keeping it.
- Mm-hmm.
And opening it.
Congratulations on your new credit card limit.
Very exciting.
Morenike, I insist that you come to Nigeria with Chukwuemeka and me next month.
But, Auntie, I have school.
You will do it online.
Mummy, please.
There is no need to rush this.
You're already behind on giving me my grandchildren.
There will have to be twins to catch up.
Those also run in our family.
- Who has a twin? - My uncle.
He ate his twin in the womb.
Must you air all our dirty laundry? (CHUCKLES) Look at us.
Carpool buddies.
- (CHUCKLES) - Uh-huh.
So, how was your day? - You were there.
- Well I was there, but I wasn't there.
- (CHUCKLES) - (GROANS) Come on, Mom.
You know, we can't squander these precious minutes.
We don't know how many Tuesdays with Dottie we have left.
I've got plenty of Tuesdays left.
Hey, Douglas.
What's up? Where are you? Driving Mom home.
You forget something? I don't think so.
Me! I don't have a car! Oh, shoot, that's right.
I'm sorry.
You gonna come back and get me? Well (SIGHS) Can't you just take an Uber? I don't make that kind of money anymore! I'm frugal! You're a smart boy, Douglas.
Figure out a way to get home.
Hang on.
Goodwin, is the forklift street-legal? GOODWIN: No.
DOUGLAS: I'm out of ideas, Christina! - Just hang up on him.
- Really? You have my permission.
(CHUCKLES) - Christina? - Good luck, Douglas! (LAUGHING) Do you need help? Oh.
No, thank you, Auntie.
You know you do not have to call me Auntie.
I must respect my elders, or my mother will reach across the ocean - and hit me with her shoe.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Well, as an elder, may I give you some advice? Of course.
You are a sweet girl.
You came here to study.
Do not jeopardize that.
What do you mean? This whole Chukwuemeka situation is a lot more complicated than they are telling you.
There's another party involved.
- You mean Kemi.
- You know about her? Of course.
And do not worry, she will not be a problem.
(SCOFFS) I don't think you understand.
Kemi is always a problem.
You do not want her as an enemy.
Perhaps she does not want me as an enemy.
You? Back home, whenever a snake got in the house, I was the one to take care of it.
Others were too scared.
But I knew, all you have to do is be patient, eh? Let the snake believe it is safe, and then in one swift motion, chop off its head.
(KETTLE WHISTLING) Would you like some more tea? Auntie? - Oh, hello, Kemi.
- Chukwuemeka.
I just came to pick up a few things.
Two Clif Bars and strawberry-flavored lubricant? There was a sale on Clif Bars.
And the strawberry lubricant? Oh.
That is for my next lover.
Or lovers.
I like to keep my options open.
What is going on? You are starting a new life, and so am I.
I have coupons.
Shouldn't we talk about this? There's nothing to talk about.
Your mother has made up her mind.
You will marry Morenike and have dull children with giant ears.
But I still want to be with you.
Well, you cannot have my cake and eat it, too.
I'd like a bag, please.
- Paper or plastic? - Plastic! How about we honeymoon in Greece? Oh, I love a gyro.
So you are picking our honeymoon based on a sandwich? Not just the sandwich.
The history, the architecture, the beaches.
I thought you hated beaches.
Well, I did about 50 pounds ago.
But now I want to strut my stuff.
You know they have nude beaches.
Eating a gyro in my birthday suit.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Now that's a honeymoon.
- (GROANS) - Everything okay? Kemi is upset.
And the sky is blue.
What'd she do this time? This one is not entirely her fault.
Wait, no, actually it is.
- (CHUCKLES) - (CHIMES) Here's an idea, maybe sit this one out.
Oh, what are you talking about? I'm just saying Kemi's got a lot of problems.
Catch her on the next one.
I can't.
She is my friend.
I have to help her.
Do you? You know, when I was a kid, every year my friends would drag me to this haunted corn maze.
It was horrifying.
Hands coming through the stalks, clowns with chainsaws.
Were there real ghosts? No.
So why were you scared? I was ten, but that's not the point.
Ten is old enough to know.
Can I finish my story, please? Continue.
After a few years, I realized I didn't have to go through the maze.
I could just duck out, grab a taffy apple, and meet my buddies by the exit.
So, Kemi's love life is a haunted corn maze? And she's the clown with the chainsaw.
I am not a manipulative person, but it's hard to do nothing when you see people making bad decisions and ruining their lives.
Your Chewbacca dude doesn't know what he's losing.
Yeah, I'm never gonna get that.
You know, I'm going through something very similar right now with my Corvette.
How is that similar? I was forced to give up something that I love.
It wasn't sexual like your relationship, but I did have sex in it.
Not easy.
It was very tight.
Even when you were alone.
I suppose Chukwuemeka is a bit like a Corvette.
Sexy, powerful, a fun ride.
But at the same time, it's a gas guzzler.
If Chukwuemeka eats even a little cheese, his body backfires like an old tractor.
The Vette didn't even have a rear camera.
Was constantly bumping into trash cans and short people.
And nobody would call Chukwuemeka the sharpest razor in the CVS men's grooming aisle.
(CHUCKLES) There you go.
Chewbacca, Corvettes.
We're better off without 'em.
Maybe so.
- (RINGS) - (GROANS) It's my stop.
Nice talking to you.
And you.
What is your stop? I don't have one.
I gave the driver my address.
I got to tell you, I think I've become a better Christian since coming to this church.
That's wonderful.
Why do you think that is? The singing? The praying? Honestly, I think it's the food.
I could get baptized in that soup.
Hello, Bob.
Hello, Abishola.
- Hello, Auntie.
- Auntie.
Where is that old woman that you fraternize with? - Old woman? - Easy.
I have not seen Kemi today.
And praise God for that.
Good morning, Auntie.
Have you killed any snakes lately? There was one, but I scared it away.
There's snakes in this church? Hello, everybody.
God is good.
Hmm? Hello, Kemi.
Who is your friend? Sure, let's call him my "friend.
" This is Terrence.
We work together at the hospital.
- Hello.
- How you doing? I like your aftershave.
Smells like strawberries.
See? Not so bad.
And nobody's stabbing anybody.
We didn't think that, Douglas.
Well, I did.
That's why I'm not carrying any cash! Really? So I got to pay your fares? How much is it, a dime? (GROANS): Oh, my God, Mom! Sorry.
It should work.
I put money on it yesterday.
Don't worry about it.
- I have cash.
- Relax.
It's on me.
I saw you help out that rich old lady and her daughter.
You do what you can.
You can always tell the people who've never ridden a bus before.
They act like they're going on a poor person safari.
(SCOFFS) Their entitlement's disgusting.
Actually, Doug.
Down-to-earth Doug.
That's what my buddies in the warehouse call me.
(CHUCKLES) Where I work.
You know, with my hands.
(WHISPERS): Everything is so sticky.
Do you have a wet wipe? No, because I don't have a purse! (SIGHS) Those weirdos are making me uncomfortable.
You mind giving me your number in case they try to follow me when I get off the bus? I'm not gonna do that.
(CHUCKLES) Was worth a try.
Guess you'll just have to ride again tomorrow so I know you're okay.
I guess I will.
'Cause I don't have a car.
And I take the bus.
To my job.
At a warehouse.
Bus driver seems cute.
Don't talk to me, don't talk to me, don't talk to me.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode