Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Bubba The Bear

Come down from there.
I won't hurt you.
I'm Ba-ba-ba-bu-bu-be-bee-de-de Bubba the Bear! [CHILDREN LAUGHING] [PITTER! PITTER! PITTER!] - [PLOING!] - [TINK!] Come b-b-b-b-b-back here, mi amigos! - [SLOOP!] - [BANG!] [DUCKS QUACKING] [CHILDREN LAUGHING] [GROANS] [LAUGHING CONTINUES] Like I always say, "If you can't b-b-b-beat 'em, join 'em.
" - [LAUGHING CONTINUES] - Hey, hey, hey.
What do you say? I'm B-B-B-B-B-Bubba the B-B-B-B-D-D-D Duck! Duck! [BANG! BANG! BANG!] - [BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!] - B-B-B-Bubba - B-Bubba the Bear - [Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!] TEACHER: All right, students, I have a treat for you today! Would you like to meet the real Bubba the Bear?! - ALL: Yeah! - TEACHER: Yeah? All right! Mr.
Noble Bartel! Ta-da! [CHUCKLES] Huh.
Tough crowd.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hey, mister, can you move? I can't see Bubba the Bear.
[LAUGHTER] [AS BUBBA] Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-B-Bubba the Bear! - [SQUEALS] - [LAUGHTER] He's not Bubba the Bear! He's a fake! He's just some weird guy! [CLEARS THROAT] [NORMAL VOICE] Look, kid, I am the official Bubba the Bear.
I create his voice.
Bubba can't say a word without me.
[LAUGHTER] [AS BUBBA] Hey, hey, hey, mi amigos, do you want to learn how to sound like me? ALL: Yeah! Well, okay, then.
Repeat after me.
Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-Bubba the Bear! ALL: Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-Bubba the Bear! Okay, okay, that's pretty good, pretty good.
But if you want to do it right, you've got to slow it way down and make him sound real stupid.
- Okay, let's try it again.
- [QUIET GROWLING] Here we go.
Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-B-B-Bubba the Bear!! [CHILDREN LAUGHING] Oh, hey.
- Mommy! - Where are you? - Mommy! - I'm at a school.
- Mommy! I'm doing a Bubba thing.
Hey, guys.
Mommy, I'm a helicopter! Oh, well, you know, you have a son who goes to school, too Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I'm a helicopter! mnh, who may or may not be alive by the time you get home.
Aww, that's that's not fair.
Ray and I have a great relationship.
And besides, you know, I've got a responsibility right now.
Stay in school, okay.
[CHUCKLES] The kids the kids love Bubba, and I am Bubba the Bear.
- [CHUCKLES] - Well, I married you, not Bubba.
Whoa! Okay, okay.
I'm on my way home.
[CHILDREN PLAYING IN DISTANCE] - Shut the [BLEEP] up - [GASPS] and don't make a move.
Hey, hey, hey, it's B-B-Bubba the Bear.
Now drive.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? [CHUCKLING] 'Cause I'm clearing hallucinating.
- [SMACK!] - Ugh! That feel like a hallucination, you jack off? - No.
- [SMACK!] No, what? [SIGHS] Uh, no, sir? Yeah, that's right, candy ass.
Now drive, b-b-bitch, before I rip your face off in front of all these MILFs and their rotten crotch fruit.
- [GASPS] - [PLUNK!] Ugh.
[GASPING] [ENGINE STARTS] [LOW GROWLING] - You banging one of these soccer whores? - No.
Well, it's your loss, pussy.
Let's roll.
This is a nice whip.
You sure do make a lot of B-B-B-B-Benjamins being me.
Is that what this is about? I I can give you money.
Shut up, dip stick! You think this is about the money? What am I gonna do with money?! I got no pockets!! I'm so I'm sorry, I just I thought Oh, you just thought.
Ain't that rich? Why you gotta make Bubba sound so stupid? Like, I'm some kind of in-b-b-bred hillbilly or something? And why do I got to st-st-st-stutter? Like that's something for kids to laugh at?! Stuttering's a tradition! Like Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, Hugh Grant It's just a funny voice.
Well, hardy-goddamn-har.
[SCOFFS] Oh, hot damn! [CHUCKLING] Aged whiskey! Now this is some expensive alchy-hol.
Please don't open that.
It was a [POINK!] present.
Don't worry.
Booze goes right through me.
[GLUG! GLUG! GLUG!] Aah! Aah! Aah! [TIRES SCREECH] Aah! Pull over.
You tell anyone about our little tête-à-tête, I will send you straight to hell.
Honey, have you been drinking? Oh! Daddy, Daddy, will you play croquet with me? Not now, Ray.
- I love you, son.
- Eww, that's weird.
Uh, Ray, why don't you give Daddy and I a minute, okay? I'm gonna go in my room and play with myself.
By yourself, honey.
By yourself.
[SIGHS] That's That's cooking sherry.
So it is.
Noble, what is wrong? Honey, nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
[BUBBA] Hey, hey, hey, it's Bubba the Bear! - Call 911! - What?! - Aah! - Aah! Come on out of there and f-f-f-fight like a man, you [ECHOING] woodchuck.
- Turn that off.
- Why? Bubba the Bear is not a good guy in, uh, this episode.
I just don't I don't think it's good for kids.
[CHUCKLING] You didn't call 911, did you? It's been a while since I've seen you Be T Noble.
So tell me, what seems to be the problem? [SMACKS LIPS] I really think that I'm I'm I'm losing my mind.
- If you were really losing your mind - [SLINK! PLOINK!] - you wouldn't know you were losing your mind.
- [PITTER! PITTER! PITTER!] [GASPS] - Oh! - [CHA-CLINK!] - No! No! - [POP!] - No.
- [SNIFFS] - No.
- No.
N no.
[SIGHS] Okay, look, the other day Mm-hmm.
- in my car, I - Mm-hmm.
- Agh! - What?! [WHOOSH! THUD!] Did you did you see something out the window, Noble? Um [SIGHS] [WHISPERS] No.
[NORMAL VOICE] No, 'cause that would mean that something's wrong.
Did did you see something o out the window? No.
Me neither.
[CHUCKLES] Have you been doing any recreational drugs? No.
Meth, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, angel dust, PCP, marijuana? No.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS] - [GASPS] I have to go! Well, I'm still gonna charge you for the full hour.
All right, Noble, we're taking it from the first line, okay? So Bubba's walking down the beach and he sees this cute girl bear and she's got this really hot bikini on and she is hot.
And Bubba says Hey, can I ask you guys a question? - Sure.
- Yeah, sure.
Whatever happened to Boots Armstrong, the guy who originally did the voice for Bubba? Uh, he had a nervous breakdown.
You know, he was always kind of a nut.
And he finally lost it.
And Bubba's walking down the beach and he sees the cute girl bear and he says [AS PATRICK STEWART] Hello, hello, hello! What do you say? I'm Bubba the Bear! What the hell is he doing? What are you doing? [NORMAL VOICE] Patrick Stewart.
[CHUCKLES] Wouldn't it be funny if Bubba suddenly sounded smart like Picard? - No.
- No, it would not.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Well, then what if he was, like, wise and fatherly like Morgan Freeman? Like [CLEARS THROAT] [AS MORGAN FREEMAN] Uh, why do they call me "Bubba the Bear"? Well, I suppose it's because I'm Irish.
[NORMAL VOICE] [CHUCKLES] Right? Wouldn't it be funnier if Bubba was super intelligent? Make make Bubba smart? Make Bubba smart.
[CHUCKLES] Why didn't can I? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Now, say the lines the way you've always done them, or you are in breach of contract.
[AS BUBBA] Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-B-Bubba the Bear! How hard was that? [INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV] - There he is.
- That's Boots? - Yep.
- Can I talk to him? [SCOFFS] Good luck.
Boots, I'm Noble Bartel.
I have your old job.
I'm the new voice of Bubba the Bear.
I need to ask you something.
Boots, please, this is important.
[LAUGHTER] [BIRDS CHIRPING] Oof! Ugh! Oh! D don't kill me! Chillax, compadre.
I heard what you d-d-did at the recording studio.
And I just wanted to say "Thank you.
" Ah! Ugh! It's not your fault that they make you make me sound so st-st-st-stupid.
You tried to fix that.
But now, I realize that we're both just cogs in the Hollywood machine.
I hope you can forgive your old friend, B-B-B-Bubba the Bear! [BIRDS CHIRPING] [TINK! TINK!] Thank you.
Sad about old Boots, ain't it? That boy's n-n-n-nuttier than a squirrel's turd.
- [CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES] Let me get a picture of you and that whiskey.
Stand right there.
Don't move.
Where'd that camera come from? I'm animated! I can make anything appear, as long as it's funny.
Why is this funny? [WHISTLE!] - Aah! - [PLONG!] [GRUNTS] Y you tried to kill me! - Yes, I did.
- [SNIP! SNIP!] You [BLEEP] with the wrong bear, amigo.
- [ZOOM!] - Hey, buddy! My bad! It's okay.
Thought we were gonna be on the news again.
May I play in the backyard? - Yes.
- No.
It's fine.
You can go outside.
[SIGHS] I don't I I I just I don't think it's I don't I don't think it's safe for him out there.
It's fenced in, honey.
I don't wanna look, I don't want our child to be an Amber Alert.
He's okay.
Now he's hula hooping.
It's fine.
Hula hooping is gender-neutral.
No! Ray! Ray! Get inside, Ray.
Ray! - Daddy, look what I can do.
- Come in the house, Ray.
Ray, come in the house.
But, Daddy, it's not even dark.
[GRUNTING] Why? Why, Daddy? You're scaring me.
Don't be scared, son.
Get in the house, please.
In the house, please, honey.
Get in the house, please? Okay.
Help! Come here, honey.
Daddy scared me, Mommy.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] There's nothing to be scared of, son.
There's nothing to be scared of.
Everything is fine.
There is no one out there, Noble.
- You're acting crazy.
- I'm not acting crazy, honey.
Why would you say that in front of our child? You're acting crazy.
Everything is just fine, okay? Let's just, um, get you ready for bed.
- Okay.
- Did you already do did you did you already do your homework, son? Yes.
Okay, perfect, so then we're gonna do the bath and read a story and stuff.
Everything'll be good, okay? - Okay.
- I'll meet you up there - in just a few minutes.
- Okay.
Come on, Ray.
I'm gonna check the perimeter really quickly and then Have fun! Stay away from the windows! [OWL HOOTING] [INSECTS CHIRPING] I spoke to the therapist.
She said you ran out after five minutes.
Give me the knife.
[GASPS] Did you hear that? There's no one out there, Noble.
What's wrong with Daddy? Daddy's having a bad day, Ray.
[CHUCKLES] That's all.
[CHUCKLES] Just a bad day that Daddy's having.
Go play, son.
Go play in your room.
Why are you doing this? Bubba the Bear is real.
And he's trying to kill us.
I believe you, Noble.
I'm gonna go check on Ray.
You leave my wife out of this! She looks frustrated, though.
Are you not giving her the big O? I make her climax all the time! [CHUCKLES] No, you don't.
She's a worse actor than you are! Oh, oh, oooh.
[LAUGHS] You shut up! I am a good actor! I'll bend her over and give it to her good.
Not like you.
Not the doggie style.
Bear back.
B-B-B-Bubba style! Stay away from my family! Oh, too bad you're not a better father.
All your son wants is someone to play with.
If you touch my son, I will kill you.
Hey, honey, what's up? [INSECTS CHIRPING] I'm taking Ray, and we're leaving.
- Okay, good.
- Ble-le-le-le-le-leh! Get out of here.
Go! Get out of here! - [GASPS] - [DOOR SLAMS] Well, it's just you and me now.
Mano a mano.
I'm gonna make you wish you were back at that dump eating garbage.
[GROWLS] - Aah! - [GRUNTS] [WINCES, GRUNTS] [LAUGHS] Over here, dummy.
[GASPS] Time to get all "Revenant" on your ass! - [ROARS] - [GROANING] I'm gonna break every bone in your body, including that little tiny one in your ear! Get ready to die!! [ROARS] Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa! Ugh! No, no, no! Aah! Aah! [GRUNTING] [GROANING, GRUNTING] [RIPPING, SQUISHING] Ow.
Look what you made me do.
- [GASPS] - You're the official Bubba? [GRUNTS] No, no.
I created you! You were nobody before me.
Shut up! Shut up! Your family left you 'cause they're smart.
Nobody loves you.
- They know what a fraud you really are! - Shut up! [GRUNTING] [SHINK! SNICK!] Go ahead.
I'm already dead! I was a bear, god damn it, and you made me into some kind of joke! I told you, shut up! [PLOINK!] [SPLAT!] [CHUCKLES EVILLY] [SINGSONG VOICE] Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha-hah.
You can't silence me! I told you - I'm B-B-B - to shut u Aah! [GASPS] [GRUNTING] Aah! [SIREN WAILING] [POLICE RADIO CHATTER] [CARTOON-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS] [SIGHS] Thank you for letting me audition.
This means the world to me.
- Well, you didn't get the part yet.
- Oh, I will.
[CHUCKLES] [DEEP VOICE] Barnabas Bibbit blows brittle bubbles in the Oh, my God, just do it! Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] [AS BUBBA] Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? I'm B-B-B-Bubba the Bear! Holy crap, that's it.
[CHUCKLES] We've found our Bubba the Bear.
[CHUCKLES] Um, this is gonna change my life.
Armstrong Put that laughing gas d-down! - Owww! - You have to take your medication.
- [CHUCKLES] - [DUCKS QUACKING] [LAUGHING] I'm still mad at you.
[LAUGHS] - [DUCK QUACKING] - [LAUGHS] B-B-B-Bubba B-Bubba the Bear You know, I've made a lot of movies and stuff, but it was the first time I tried to tell something in a half an hour.
Would you like to meet the real Bubba the Bear?! ALL: Yeah! You know, I didn't know if it was gonna work.
Ta-da! Huh, tough crowd.
[CLEARS THROAT] What were you thinking when we shot "Bubba"? What was the style? STONESIFER: Well, I was really excited that G thought we could mix "Roger the Rabbit" with - "Cape Fear"? - "Cape Fear".
When we have the camera go all the way around In full 360.
Scorsese did a lot of that in his remake of "Cape Fear".
We were also, for some of the night stuff, trying to do some stacked lighting that had some multiple color shifts to it.
We first framed up the shot with Alexie at the garage door, and she hears Bubba.
The shadow cuts right across her eye.
And I'm like, "Bradley! Aren't you watching a monitor?" No, and I love it.
It looks so great.
There was so much of a testing, learning curve, consulting the animators And we'd have, like, all these ideas, like when Bubba's fingernail goes up Seth's nose I think it's a coat hanger, right? It's a coat hanger with a little bit of epoxy on the end - Right, so it doesn't rip his skin off - So we didn't rip his nose out.
I try hopefully there has to be a subtext where it's about something.
They know what a fraud you really are! Which is funny because, Bubba realized until I was finished, it was just me dealing with this persona that I've had for years that I can't get rid of.
It will probably kill me.