Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

Face in the Car Lot

1 [GROWLING] Are you on pot? Oh, no, sir.
I am not gonna embarrass this paper by running some cockamamie story about little green men flying over the White House! But, with all due respect, sir, it really happened, and it wasn't little green men! It was a swarm of unidentified flying objects, hovering over the Capitol Building and the White House.
Look at these photographs, sir.
These were taken by our very own photographers.
[SCOFFS] What do you think of that? I think our very own photographers are on reefer, as well.
We are not running this story.
- Do you hear me? - But sir Do you want this paper to be a laughing stock? I do not, sir.
Do you want my children to go hungry? Oh, no, sir.
Do you like baseball? Well, it's America's favorite pastime, sir.
- Not a big fan, myself.
- All right.
Yet I have this baseball.
You know why? - No, sir.
- To hit people in the head that annoy me.
And you're annoying me.
You have exactly three seconds to get out of this office.
One two three! Ooh, doggy! Howdy, partners.
It's me, Swell Del Wainwright, here to lasso you up some gorgeous deals.
- [COW BELLOWS] - Oh, that's some good 'uns.
At Swell Del's, I grab the bargains by the horns.
[HONKS HONKS] Mama, say "moo.
" [COW MOOS] [ZIPPER ZIPS] So stick your head out of the herd and steer yourself on in.
- Ow.
- Come get your favorite brand.
[WOLF WHISTLE] We'll rustle you up a good deal.
And that's no bull.
[COW BELLOWS] [BELLOWING] In the past 20 years, I've sold well over 2.
5 million cars, with our udderly-great prices.
More than any other car dealer in the great old U.
of A.
! U.
! U.
! So, buy your next car from Swell Del Wainwright.
It's my ampa, and it's like I put 'em in the car and we're in business.
Like my grandson says, "It's like having a cousin in the car-selling business.
" That's a smart boy.
ANNOUNCER:Come see Swell Del.
Three new locations I-27 and Route 6200, Lubbock [TELEPHONES RINGING] - Whoa! - Mellow out! Criminy! Did you see, that catfish hunter was gonna hit me in the head with a baseball.
He's very mean.
You want me to go in there and punch him in the face? Aw, you wouldn't do that.
You're right, but I was just asking if you wanted me to.
Bailey, you can't go in there pitching crazy stories.
But if I gave him proof and tell the truth, I can change people's minds.
You can't change what people want to believe.
Well, I think you can.
How'd McGovern work out for you? How'd Nixon work out for you? I only voted for him because I like Spiro Agnew.
Yeah, that's what they all say.
You thinkin' about buying a car? Uh, yes.
Something like that.
[PUTTER TAPS] [DOOR OPENS] Thank you, sweetheart.
New hat? Why, guilty.
How did you know? It's on backwards.
- Ah.
- Classic Yankee move.
Well [SIGHS] My friends call me Bull.
My friends call me Del.
Are you my friend Bull? Uh, I hope so.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] You're a very rich man, Del, with modest tastes.
People like you.
People look up to you.
You trying to grease me up, son? No, Del, I'm not greasing you up.
I want to make you an offer.
Grease me up, make me an offer.
You can pour maple syrup on it, but it still doesn't make it a pancake.
I know who you are, Bull.
Fancy Washington, D.
, snake-oil salesman.
We're in the same business.
I sell people cars that don't work, and you sell people politicians that don't work.
Campaign manager.
I own half the people you work for down here.
So, what in God's green acres are you gonna offer me? I want to make you the next President of the United States.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Why don't you pull my other leg, and it'll play "Jingle Bells"? Um, Del, not only do I want to, I can.
President Wainwright.
I like the sound of it.
Hot damn! Yeah, it's got a ring to it, doesn't it? A ring-a-ding-ding.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about being president most of my life.
Well, it'd make my pappy proud.
God bless his soul.
All right, so we have a deal.
Hold your horses.
Before I sign up with a crazy idea like this, what makes you think you can get me, of all people, elected President of the United States of America? Well, people see you as an outsider, as a rich, good old boy, who shoots from the hip and can't be bought.
It's a pretty simple formula, really.
We just find some enemies and keep pounding away on them.
Who are my enemies? Hippies, Russians, hell, it can even be the Girl Scouts.
I don't give a rat's ass, as long as you give them somebody to hate.
See, Del, it's kind of like your restaurant here, Del's Burgers and Fries.
Burgers and Fries are a hero to people that tried Chinese food and hated it.
And you, you are Burgers and Fries.
You just remind people that they're afraid and that you're the only person that could save them.
Tell them you'll bring back the good old days, whatever the Sam Hill that means.
All right, if I say yes, what do I have to do? Two things.
I need your commitment, 100%.
And I need full disclosure.
I need to know if there's anything in your past that can bite us in the ass on the campaign.
I cheated on my first wife.
- That's what first wives are for.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE] With her sister.
Well played.
I forced her to have an abortion.
Well, Del, that Hmm.
That could cause us some problems with evangelicals, but if it comes out, we'll just keep stressing how ridiculous the whole thing is, what with you being pro-life and all.
I mean, you are pro-life, aren't you, Del? I can be.
[CHUCKLES] Perfect.
So, is there anything else? Oh, yeah.
I'm a werewolf.
A what, Del? I'm a werewolf, like my daddy was and his daddy before him.
Hell, it's not that bad.
I mean, I only become a werewolf when I get too angry, and normally, I can control it.
Anything else? I ate a toddler once.
Aw, geez.
When I was a werewolf.
You know, no one's perfect.
[BOTH LAUGH] ANNOUNCER:The American way of life is under attack.
These other countries, they're walking all over us, right? They hate us.
They hate the American way of freedom.
ANNOUNCER:We need a bold outsider who's not afraid to tell it like it is.
And if they insist on holding us ransom at the gas pumps, and you know they're doing it Some people, I don't know, a lot of people are saying we should bomb them back to Tehran.
Would you like that? Would you? Okay.
All right, maybe we'll do that.
ANNOUNCER:A straight shooter who's not ashamed of the U.
- Should we bomb them? - U.
! We should bomb them.
ANNOUNCER:Bring back the good old days.
Vote Swell Del Wainwright, the choice of real America.
REPORTER:His campaign has been like no other.
Full of scandals, shocking behavior that would've sunk any other candidate in history.
Excuse me.
Look at this pretty girl.
- Isn't she pretty? - Excuse me? - Yes? - Don't you feel a woman should have the right to choose what goes on - with her own body? - I believe that every woman has the right to choose to keep her knees together.
[CHUCKLES] Why don't you try that for a week, honey? All right.
No, he doesn't offend me.
All men talk that way.
He's just being honest.
Wainwright's popularity could take him all the way to the White House.
Turn it off.
This is so depressing.
Jiminy Christmas! It doesn't matter what we write.
We've written about everything his affair with his sister-in-law, his hiring an illegal maid.
He kicked a dog, and his supporters believed him when he said he was helping it out of traffic.
I mean, the man is made of Teflon.
Well, I've told you before, you can prove things to people, but in the end, they're gonna believe what they want.
Well, I'm not giving up.
All right, little engine that could.
[URINATING] - Regina Bailey? - Yes? WOMAN: I read your articles on Del.
I have proof that Del Wainwright is a werewolf.
I saw him change into a werewolf, right in front of my very eyes.
REGINA: Okay, and, uh, why are you such an expert? Because I am Anka the vampire.
Vampires and werewolves have been mortal enemies since the dawn of time.
You don't say.
Don't humor me.
Here's proof.
Well, gosh, looks like a dog standing on its hind legs.
It's not.
Keep it.
You must run the story.
I sure will see what I can do.
Hey, aren't you supposed to not be out during the day? That's why I wear these.
Oh, sure.
I do believe in equal rights.
But I believe in equal rights for all, not just the minorities.
Now, you folks at home, the press thinks you're dumb.
They'll whiz down your back and tell you it's raining.
Don't tell me that.
They don't care about you.
Not like I do.
'Cause the press, in this country, are a bunch of traitors out to destroy America.
A lot of smart people are saying it.
Wainwright, isn't your lack of political experience a detriment to holding office? That's a stupid question! I'm not [BARKING] gonna dignify that with an ans What was that? That sounded like he barked.
Maybe he has Tourette's.
[REWINDING] I'm not [BARKING] gonna - What's this? - A vampire gave that to me.
Said she had proof that Del was a werewolf.
Sounds about right.
This is a dog walking on his hind legs.
- Or Bigfoot.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
That thing is way too short to be Bigf I mean, if Bigfoot were real.
Of course.
Where are you goin'? To see a vampire about a werewolf.
Well, I'm comin' with you.
If you get killed by that nut, I want to take the pictures.
How do you know this person? Oh, we met in a toilet.
You got a weird personal life.
Hello? Anka? Anka the vampire? You first.
Anka? Anka the vam I thought they sleep during the day.
[GROWLING] [SCREAMING] Move! I got children, shrimp! This better be good.
Del Wainwright is a werewolf.
- Get out of my office.
- Hear me out.
The woman who took this photo is missing.
This looks like a dog standing on its hind legs.
That's what I said.
Do you believe any of this nonsense? No.
If you waste one more minute of my time on this foolishness, you're fired.
Understood? Then why are you still standing there? Get out! [TELEPHONE RINGS] - Bailey.
- Who is this? This is Jim Bidwell.
Bull Bidwell? Yes.
Bull Bidwell.
What do you want? I believe you own a photograph that I'm interested in.
And why should I give it to you? I guess for your own well-being.
Oh, you don't scare me.
If you really want that photo, let me talk to Wainwright.
That's not gonna happen.
Well then, we'll publish the photo.
Meet me at the Trenton at 8:00 a.
With Wainwright.
What are you doing here? Wainwright's a big story.
You still chasing dogs? - Miss Bailey? - Yes.
Right this way.
Sorry, ma'am.
I see how it's gonna be.
- Ah.
- Hello.
- Miss Bailey.
- Hi.
Why don't you take a load off? - All right.
- Hope you're hungry, honey.
Uh, not really.
[CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] Oh, I'll just have a club soda.
Why? Are you a teetotaler, sweetheart? You should try the bloody Mary.
Hey, you know what, get her a bloody Mary.
Best bloody Marys in town.
It'll grow hair on your chest.
[BOTH LAUGHING] That's an interesting choice of words.
Yeah, that's a good one.
You're funny, doll.
You think you know everything about me, don't you, huh? You think I'm a clown, a puppet.
Well, nobody pulls my strings.
I didn't get where I am by underestimating people.
What happened to Anka? Uh, the vampire? [CHUCKLES] I don't know.
Why don't you tell us.
She's your friend.
[LAUGHTER] Maybe she flew away.
[LAUGHTER] Well, enough of the chit-chat.
Let's see that photo.
May I ask Del a question first? Sure, sugar.
It's a free country.
Are you a werewolf? Well, I guess that depends on what that photo looks like.
Come on.
Let's see it.
All right.
Let's have a Oh, Del.
Del, Del, Del, Del.
I'm afraid I'm afraid she's got us by the short and curlies, Del.
I mean, look at that.
[BOTH LAUGH] You come after us with this? Oh, I thought you were a reporter.
You're just a little girl with a big imagination.
This just looks like a dog standing on his hind legs.
[LAUGHTER] There you go.
Sell that to a tabloid.
You ain't got nothin', honey.
You want to know something funny? Iam a werewolf.
And I am going to be the next President of the United States, and there ain't a God damn thing you can do about it.
[BOTH LAUGH] She's got nothin'! [LAUGHS] Nobody.
[LAUGHS] Like a God damn Aaah! Aaah! Del? Del.
[GROANS] Del, just breathe.
[CROWD GASPING] But I'm an American first.
We are a land of second chances.
I have struggled with my disease of lycanthropy my whole life.
But like my father before me and his father before him, we never let it win.
We never let it get the best of us.
Because we are proud proud Americans.
God bless the U.
So, he's a werewolf? My dad's an alcoholic.
I want a president that's a werewolf so that other countries won't push us around.
This morning, I was supposed to go golfing with the CEO.
Instead, Del Wainwright went golfing with the CEO.
I like you, Bailey.
But word's come down, you're to be terminated immediately.
- But, sir - I'm sorry.
Can't believe you got fired.
Leo said he didn't care if it was the truth.
You want to go to dinner? Well, aren't you afraid of losing your job? He can fire me.
I don't care.
- Thank you.
- I really am sorry I didn't believe you.
I got proof Del killed and ate that kid.
It's over, Anka.
No one cares.
Want to go get food with us? Well, I don't eat meat.
You're a vampire and you don't eat meat? What? [HIGH-PICHED VOICE] I'm a fruit bat.
You wanna know somethin' funny? I am a werewolf.
And I am going to be the next President of the United States.
- We're getting really political in this episode.
- We really are.
And the theme is quite surely, if you tell people the truth, can you change the behavior? Do you believe that? No, I don't.
No, of course I do.
- Are you taking ? - The way the world is right now, if this episode actually happened, I'd go, "Yeah, sounds about right.
" Yeah, it wouldn't be anywhere right now.
Slider or fastball? - Fastball.
- Great! I need to know if there's anything in your past that can bite us in the ass on the campaign.
I slept with my sister.
No, I cheated that's much worse What was it like working with Koechner? Koechner was I mean You imagine it's gonna be unpleasant - [LAUGHS] - when you're working with Dave Koechner.
And then, it is.
I think you see the child, yeah, the child that was beaten and locked in a closet, inside his heart.
So, buy your next car from Swell Here we go.
Three, two what's after two? has got so many different elements going on.
I feel like it's an hommage to all those late seventies films.
It was a little bit John Carpenter, but at the same time, you know, doing Sydney Pollack.
It has a lot of interesting characters but also has a very important message to it.
Well, no-one's gonna believe that came from the guy from Police Academy.
But I'm really happy with this episode.
I do like the satyre.
I want a president for a werewolf.
It felt eerily familiar.
- It's about werewolves, man.
- Yeah, that's what I meant.
I'm talking about the recent inflex in werewolves into the country.
You know? Which is why we need to strengthen our borders.
I swallowed my hair.
- We're becoming such good friends.
- You guys should do a cop show.
I think so too.
We already have it in the plans, and French, coming your way soon.
Uh, what happened down there? Jason was almost totally blind in the wolfman suit.
So, I'm frequently directing him from off-camera trying to stir him to safety.
Well, I hope we use the take when the wolf came out and ate it on the carpet.
I hope we use that tape.
There was no traction to make that right turn, so I totally bifted on "Left! No, right!" This is basically me going, "yeah, well, - we're fucked".
That's what this episode is about.
- We hope you enjoyed it.
Call your senators! - And say what? - Oh, renew Misfits and Monsters for season 2 on truTV!