Bob's Burgers s09e16 Episode Script

Roamin' Bob-iday

1 LINDA: All right! (singsongy): It's Friday.
When you think about it, today is the week's butt.
And Dad has a weak butt.
Dad? Talking about your butt? No? Dad, please pay attention when we're sassing you.
Oh.
Uh, thank you.
Okay, kids.
Better get to school.
Bob, hello? Aren't you gonna say bye to the kids? Oh, right.
Uh, bye.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
- He said lovingly.
- Bob.
- Hmm? - Are you okay? You just told the kids goodbye like they were customers leaving the restaurant.
Huh.
I must be a little tired.
Well, drink some more coffee, mister.
I've already had three cups.
My heart is going like a little hummingbird.
I like it.
It's like a little drum circle in my chest.
Bum! Ba-bum-bum-bum.
Ba-bum-bum-bum.
Ba-bum-bum-bum.
TEDDY: So, turns out, it's not shingles.
I just have gross skin on my back.
- Hmm.
- That's great, Teddy.
Hey, hey, Bob, can you top me off? Bob.
Bob! You're pouring ketchup in my coffee.
Oh, my God.
Oh, sorry.
Geez.
I mean, it might taste good.
No, that's Ugh, that is gross.
(groaning) Wait, let me try it again.
Ugh.
No.
Eh.
Why'd I do that? Ugh.
Unless - No.
No.
No, no, no.
- Teddy, stop.
What's going on with you today, Bob? You're totally out of it.
I-I'm fine.
It-It's just, um What, uh, what was everyone talking about? - Teddy's nasty back skin.
- Oh.
I think I'll go back in the kitchen.
Bye-bye.
- What's his deal? - I don't know.
He's (gasps) Oh, no! -What? -He might be getting his burnout.
- Remember? - Oh, no.
Not the burnout.
The last one was so weird.
(high-pitched): It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Hey, Bob.
- (normal voice): Hi, Leslie! - (screams) Now that I think about it, he hasn't had a day off - since Easter.
- Have you? Yeah, yeah, I sneak 'em in.
Last weekend I took Gene to the mall to visit an outfit he likes.
Sheesh.
I'm worried, Linda.
I'm worried.
Okay, okay, don't panic.
I'll keep an eye on him today, see how it goes.
Perfect.
Hi.
How was school? We had a spelling test, and I think I did B-A-D-D.
BOB: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Um, who's Dad talking to back there? Your dad's just having an interesting day.
"You're acting weird.
" No, you're acting weird.
"You just put mustard on me.
I'm not supposed to have mustard.
" I know what you have on you.
I invented you.
(high-pitched screaming) "Here we go.
" Uh, I'll just go back there and check on him.
Now I'm gonna put tons of mustard on you! What do you think about that?! - Whoa.
- Yeah, he's got the burnout.
I'm sorry.
We got to get him to take the day off tomorrow.
Let's kiss.
Just a little kiss.
And I think I know what we should do.
Poison him.
Linda? Lin? Kids? Hello? What are you guys doing down here so early? The-the door's locked.
Guys, seriously, open the door.
I'm afraid not, Bob.
This is your outer-vention.
What?! You got to stay out of the restaurant today.
You're getting a day off whether you like it or not.
No! - Let me in.
- No! You need a day off.
- Kids, open the door.
- Get out of here, Dad.
We don't want you.
Go on, get.
Until tonight.
Please come back tonight.
Fine.
I'll just go get the extra keys.
- No! - We're setting you free, Dad.
Go! Run with the other men.
We are not letting you in.
You have to go have fun.
Do something relaxing.
Never! (gasps) The back.
Kids, go.
(panting) No, no, no, no, no! No! Let me work! No way, mister.
There's a bun delivery today, Lin.
I-I need to be here to check if they're all okay.
We've got your buns covered, Dad.
Let me in and I promise I'll take the day off tomorrow.
LINDA: No! This is for your own good! I'll just keep pounding, then.
You'll never get rid of me.
- - I'm still here.
(vehicle approaching) Mr.
Fischoeder.
He'll have keys.
Uh, Mr.
Fischoeder! Wait! (Bob panting) M-Mr.
Fischoeder.
Uh, thank you for stopping so, so far away from when you first heard me yelling.
Bob, what are you doing running after me like a crazy person? Oh, I-I need, uh, keys to the restaurant.
- Linda won't let me in.
- Oh.
Well, we all knew this day would come.
Good for her.
No, no, no.
I-It's not that.
It's just I want to work, and she's forcing me to take the day off.
You want to work? At that restaurant? Uh, yes.
Bob.
Bob, Bob, Bob.
Get in.
I've got something I want to show you.
Wait, hold on.
First let me put down a Wee-Wee Pad.
Linda.
Oh, hi, Mudflap.
How are you? I'm great.
Family's great.
Got my back tattoo removed.
Put it on my front.
- I hear that.
- Can I get you something to eat? Actually, I was wondering if I could have a surprise baby shower here.
- It's for my friend Goldie.
- Aw! Goldie's in a different gang, the Easy Beavers.
Anyway, she deserves a great shower, and this is the only nice restaurant I know.
So, what do you think? Of course.
When is it gonna be? - Like, in an hour.
- Today?! That's what I put on the Evites.
Today is soon, but we can handle it.
Right, kids? You want to help put a baby shower together - in an hour or what? - Or what.
I'll call all the babies I know and tell them to get their asses over here.
And I'll call all the asses I know and tell them to get their babies over here.
Oh, here's a bunch of money that is definitely not stolen to help cover the food and whatnot.
All right.
Go, go, shower rangers.
Um, what's this for? It's for rolling, Bob.
You roll them down the hill and see if a car runs them over.
Right.
Uh, but why? B-Because it's fun, Bob.
Try it.
(laughs) See? (chuckles): It seems like a waste of food, honestly.
Exactly.
Waste of food.
Waste of time.
You get it.
Doing nothing, Bob, is really doing something.
That literally makes no sense.
Maybe you could just give me the keys and Bob, Bob, Bob, you're not listening.
There are times in my life When I've had to do something Hiring, firing, illegal trash dumping But any time that I have had something to do I always wished that I could Bid that something adieu Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happy Doing something is what I avoid I adore diddly-squat It thrills me a lot And nothing never gets me annoyed Oh, sometimes I have to do stuff, and I hate it Like paying off arsonists, showering and shaving Wait, did you just say "paying off arsonists"? No, I said, uh, playing golf with pharmacists.
Huh.
Where was I? Oh.
Nothing, nothing, nothing makes me happy, happy, happy Nothing brings me nothing but joy So if you haven't tried nada I really think you oughta 'Cause all play and no work Makes me A big, sexy boy Big old sexy boy.
Are you starting to get it now, Bob? Maybe.
I mean, I guess you are a big, sexy boy, but - Well, of course I am.
- Yeah.
Now let's go do nothing somewhere else.
Okay, I made a bunch of sliders.
It's like baby hamburgers, so it's perfect.
- (door opens, bell jingles) - LOUISE: Okay, Mom.
I looked for dolls for the diaper relay.
Found a couple of Tina's old ones, and then I got this butternut squash, Gene's pillow and a Halloween skeleton that plays guitar.
Great.
Tina, are you done mushing up stuff for the baby food guessing game? Yep.
I mushed my tush off.
- Here she comes.
- Oh! Everybody hide.
Hide! ALL: Surprise! Oh, God! What the hell is this? It's your baby shower.
(crying): Oh, God, no.
No.
- No, no, no, no.
- Are those happy tears? I do not think so, Linda.
Felix.
Grover.
Bob, this is Grover Fischoeder.
He's our cousin and our lawyer.
Oh.
Uh, what-what is this place? Um, it is a private social club that is well within its rights to host any number of animal strength contests.
- Snail wrestling, Bob.
- I'm sorry, what? - Snail wrestling.
- Uh, if you're joining us, I will need you to sign a waiver.
Have you ever had diphtheria or Snail Tail? - Um, neither.
- What do you say, Bob? Care to snail? It's not nothing, but it's damn close.
And it's just a thousand-dollar buy-in.
Uh, you know what, Mr.
Fischoeder, I'm gonna take what you said to heart.
I'm gonna go try to enjoy my life.
Have fun with your snails.
(chuckling nervously): What snails? Uh, no snails here.
No.
How dare you? Shame on you.
- Goldie, what's going on? - (crying): What do you mean? Well, you walked into your baby shower, we all yelled "surprise," and then you started crying tears of genuine emotional sadness.
I did not! You take that back.
Okay, okay.
- So, you're not sad? - Who's this? That's Linda.
I had my baby in her restaurant.
This restaurant right here.
Right there in that booth, actually.
Nah.
I'm gonna call her Two Boobs.
All right.
So, do you want to go ahead with this party that we've been planning for months? (chuckles): Yeah, sure.
Uh, you know, I-I love to party.
Hell, yeah.
But no having your baby in the booth.
One was enough.
Copy that, Two Boobs.
Wow, maybe this is nice, taking a day off.
My buns.
I-I'll just pop in and give them a quick touch and sniff.
- (sniffs) - (door closes) (vocalizing) BOB: Wait! Aah! - Gah! - Uh-oh, Joel.
Looks like you've got another bread perv.
No, I Wait.
Wait, wh-what's a bread perv? You know, one of those guys who's into bread.
I mean, really into bread.
He's not a bread perv.
That's Bob.
- I know him.
He's a customer.
- Just because you know him -doesn't mean he's not a bread perv.
-Oh, true.
- Wait, bread pervs are real? - Too real.
Bob, what were you doing to these rolls? I-I-I was, uh smelling them and, um, touching them.
- Bread perv.
- Through the plastic.
Look, I missed my bread delivery today because my wife made me take a day off from my restaurant, and so I was seeing if mine were in here so I could just check them out.
I already dropped your buns off, Bob.
Oh, man.
If someone forced me to take the day off, there'd be no one here.
So you run this place all by yourself? Patricia's 77 Sandwiches? I got to get out of here.
That guy headed this way is -an actual bread perv.
-Oh, here, let me get that other one.
-Oh.
Thanks.
-Okay, that's all of it.
I got to go.
(chuckles) Hey, what do you guys have there? -Italian loaf? -Stay back! - Get out of here! - Ciabatta? - Get away from my bread! Do you really make all 77 sandwiches? Oh, no.
I make 34.
That's why I call it Patricia's 77 Sandwiches.
- Can I try one? - Sure.
What can I make you? Uh, I guess I'll have, uh, number 47.
It's the turkey Turkey, onions, dill cream cheese, cucumber, roasted peppers, and hummus on a black pepper roll.
Wow.
You have all 77 memorized? Course I have them memorized.
I can barely remember all my kids' names.
You have kids? I didn't know bread could reproduce.
- Go! Go! Go! Go! - Done! Two Boobs, check me.
Diaper is on the face.
No winner.
Check it again, woman.
I mean, uh, I mean, yay! Great job! Uh, Goldie, you win.
Yay! All right, all right! (whoops) That's more like it! - (grunting) - Oh, no, what's wrong? Are you going into labor? No.
Course not.
Uh, this little passenger in my baby carriage is just giving me pretty fierce bottom ramen, you know? Wha ? Wha-Wha-What's she saying? It's biker for "diarrhea.
" Oh.
Uh, there's the bathroom.
Someone's in there Not doing drugs.
Oh.
Okay, okay.
Uh, go to the employee bathroom.
- Gene, show her where.
- Right this way, milady.
Ooh, let's waddle along.
(chuckles) Mmm.
Wow.
This is really good.
- Uh, Patricia.
Patricia.
- One sec, Bob.
- This sandwich is really good.
- What's that? - I said this sandwich was - Um, excuse me, miss? - Right with you.
- Can I get some more napkins? - Uh, hey-hey, Patricia? - Uh, kind of busy, Bob.
- Is my to-go ready? - Uh-huh.
Yep.
Patricia, you're slammed.
Let me help you.
What? No, that's crazy.
It's crazy not to let me help you.
Please.
- Okay, fine.
- Yes! Give me an apron.
-I'm ready to work.
-Now you're making me regret this.
You're too excited, and it's freaking me out.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I-I'll be cool.
(giggles) -Oh, hey, Steve.
You're a little bit early.
-Yeah.
I thought I'd try the number 39 while I wait for a big date.
Okay, so, a, a number 39 for Steve.
Yeah.
I'm officially halfway today.
I've been working my way through the menu.
Wow.
So you've been here 39 times? Yep.
I do like the sandwiches, but, uh, I mainly kept coming back 'cause I wanted to ask her out.
-It took a while.
-Had to make sure you weren't weird.
Oh, I'm weird.
Look.
This finger is too short.
That's your thumb.
Is it? Then what's this? - I Oh, my God, I don't know.
- I don't know, either.
- So, where are you taking me? - I thought we could go ride the Ferris wheel after the lunch rush.
I am not riding that death trap.
No.
No one has died on it in at least a year-ish.
I think someone fell off and broke their leg last week, - but I-I won't tell her.
- (quietly): Thanks.
(clears throat): Well, you might want to just seal that puppy off for a couple of years, Two Boobs.
Who's ready for the baby food eating contest? Okay, Tina, it's your time to shine.
In these cups are three different mashed (pained groaning): No ! Uh-oh.
Diarrhea's back.
Nope.
I was lying about the diarrhea.
I mean, not lying.
It's a whole bunch of things.
But I've also been having contractions for the past 24 hou rs ! - Oh, my God! - Uh, Goldie, Linda, I'm kind of in the middle of my speech.
Goldie, why didn't you tell anyone you were labor? (grunting): Because I'm not ready to have this baby! That's why I was crying earlier.
I'm freaking out! Oh, this was all a mistake! I don't want to be a mom! -(loud grunting) -Goldie, Goldie, Goldie, calm down.
Hey! You see these three kids right here? They all came out of me, and let me tell you something, sister.
- (groans): Yeah? - I was not ready for 'em.
- (grunting) - Look, I get it.
You got a tiny stranger coming out of your vagina who's going to annoy you for the rest of your life.
But they'll also be the thing you're proudest of.
-We're a damn treat.
-I don't even wear diapers anymore.
Brag! I wasn't ready for Sidecar, but I birthed him right here in this booth, and now I would die for that kid.
(grunting): Okay, okay, so you're saying I don't have to be ready for the baby? It's all just super easy? - (screaming) - Um, not really.
But, uh, there's some apps you can download, and, uh, I think somebody wrote a book.
You'll figure it all out, right? Hey, if those three men could have a baby, you'll be fine.
Okay! I'm gonna stop trying to hold this sucker in! BOB (exhales): Okay.
I-I think that's it.
So, uh, you guys will be able to go on your Ferris wheel date now.
He he seems nice.
How long have you been going out? Um, since whenever I leave here with him.
This will be our first date.
- (phone rings) - Oh, can you grab that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bob's B Oh.
Uh, Patricia's 77 Sandwiches.
Oh, okay, a catering order.
Uh, let me ask.
Uh, how many sandwiches? Whoa.
And when do you need them by? Okay, hold on.
Let me check.
- Patricia.
- Yeah.
They went 77 sandwiches.
One of each.
It's for 40 minutes from now.
What? That's, like, two sandwiches a minute.
So, should I say yes? No.
I can't do that many sandwiches that fast.
But you've got help.
You-you can't say no to this.
- (chuckles) I don't know.
- 77 sandwiches, Patricia.
This is so exciting.
This is the sandwich Olympics.
This is what we've been training for.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let's do it.
- Yes! 77 sandwiches! - (whoops) Oh, oh, oh, I got to tell the guy.
Oh.
Y-You heard all that? We're all doing this! Yes! All right, I got to go! I love you! - BOB: 33.
- 34.
Okay, number 35.
Salami, mozzarella, red pepper, olive tapenade.
Got it.
Oh, hey, Steve.
You need anything? Nope.
Just, uh, I got to head back to work soon, so Right.
Don't worry, we're we're almost done.
- 36.
- Aah! Got ahead of me.
- Catch up.
- I love this! - 51.
- 52! - 66.
- 67! BOB: And 68! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 74.
Whew! You are breathing very hard, Bob.
I know.
(whimpers) It's alarming.
I-I-I might be dying.
But this is worth it.
And 77 sandwiches.
(door opens) Hi.
I'm here to pick up the - Whoa.
- Yes, yes.
He's a mess.
(panting): Do you, uh, do you need - do you need help to your car? - Uh, no, thanks.
I'm good.
Oh.
Steve, did you, uh, did you see that? Oh.
Oh.
Steve is gone.
(exhales): Oh Right.
Steve.
He left a note.
"Hey, Patricia, you're great, "and I would have loved to have gone out with you, "but I get that the restaurant comes first.
So I'll stop bugging you.
" Hmm.
Seems like an overreaction.
Well, I have stood him up before.
A lot.
11 times, possibly.
I guess that is a lot of times.
What am I supposed to do Take a day off every time I want to go on a date? Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
What? What? What? What? My family was right I did need a day off.
And instead of taking one, I went and worked at a different restaurant, and I got you into my craziness, too.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is not your fault.
This restaurant is my life.
I mean, someday maybe I'll have 15 minutes to go out with a nice guy like Steve, but not right now.
I put all my savings into this place.
This is the only thing I'm doing right now.
Right, I-I totally get it.
I just all day everyone's been telling me I needed a day off, and I-I got mad, because I love to work, but they said that to me because they care about me.
And having someone in your corner, well, that's what makes - doing all of this worth it.
- Oh, well, now you're gonna make me cry, Bob.
Great.
Look, I'm not saying you have to marry Steve, or any guy right now, I'm just saying that I have one thing that's more important to me than my restaurant, and that's my family.
Although a lot of times that's very difficult.
Mm.
So you're saying I ought to do that thing where I run and find Steve? I mean yeah.
Who's gonna clean up and close? - I'll-I'll close.
- You'd close for me? It's nasty in here.
I didn't say I'd clean up.
I said I'd close.
- Now, go.
- Okay, I'm going.
Thanks, Bob.
You're all right for a bread perv.
Where are the damn paramedics?! I'm sure they'll be here soon.
You just keep breathing, Goldie.
(loud panting) Oh, boy! - What? What? What? - Get these pants off me, 'cause this baby is signaling for the off-ramp.
Well, I guess we're having another biker baby.
Will it drive out on a tiny motorcycle? I can't remember.
All of my life, I've been told to slow down To stop, to rest Take a look around That life could be more than a pile of ground beef And while I believe That that's your belief Nothing makes me happier Than serving some food to some guy It may seem so boring, it might get you snoring But to me it's the Fourth of July Oh, nothing makes me happier Than the smell of a freshly-baked bun Nothing makes me happier Than a burger that's perfectly done Oh, the crumpled-up napkin All covered in grease The french fries so crisp that you'll call the police It's not bragging to say That they might cause world peace Nothing makes me happier Than cooking again and again But nothing makes me happier Than them.
(siren wailing) Oh, my God.
Bobby! Another biker had a baby in our restaurant.
This time standing up by the stools.
- Hi, Dad.
I'm a doula now.
- And I'm a father.
If you want some afterbirth, I think there's still a bunch on the floor.
No one's called dibs.
Did you guys use buns to clean up the blood? They're fine.
Don't be a princess.
Oh, you are all fired.
- LINDA: All right! - (cheering) BELCHERS: You're the best in the sandwich game How many sandwiches can you name? 25 Salmon, cream cheese, onions and chives - 31 - Turkey meat loaf on an artisan bun - Number three - Fancy peanut butter and jelly - 14 - Swiss, salami and aioli, queen - 33 - Turkey bacon, peanut butter, honey - 42 - Sriracha, turkey on French bread, boo - 56 - Ham, Swiss and mayo with a spring mix - 69 - 69, I just say nice 87.
I don't have 87, don't be trying to trick me.
It was a good year.