Bob's Burgers s14e09 Episode Script

Fraud of the Dead: Docu-pocalypse

[TINA] Louise Belcher,
the myth, the legend, the fourth grader.
And just possibly, the
best archer in the world?
I first encountered her online,
performing incredible trick shots,
and I was like, "Whoa."
[TINA] With millions of views
and a rapidly growing fan base,
this Internet hotshot is right on target
to become the most famous
archer on the planet.
In her most-watched
video by far, she performs
this near-miracle of
a shot, which she calls
"The Off-the-Wall
Flipparoo How-Do-You-Do."
Oh, wow.
[TINA] But for many of us captivated
by her amazing talent,
the question remains:
"Who is Louise Belcher,
and how is she so good?" which
is actually two questions.
Louise works here, with her parents,
in this dingy diner in
a shabby seaside town.
Our documentary crew
who is unrelated to her
in any way because
she is an only child
visited her here, to see firsthand
how Louise is able to pull
off her incredible shots,
and to learn more about
the woman behind the bow.
Or bow-hind, um, if you will.
Before I was a world-class
archer not my words,
just repeating what I see
in the comments on my videos.
Anyway, before all that,
I was, and still am, just
a girl whose family runs
a weird-smelling burger restaurant.
[TINA] [SNIFFS] Yeah, I'm
getting that. Is that normal?
It's normal, but it's not on purpose.
But yeah, even though now I'm famous
and people everywhere envy
me, I lead a humble life.
I go to school, I work here,
I refill ketchups and mustards.
I don't mind the ketchups,
but I'm not a mustard person.
And I don't respect people who are.
- [GAGS]
- So interesting.
Anyway, back to archery.
How'd you get into it?
My mom and dad bought me
an archery set as a present.
It's kind of the best thing
they've ever done for me.
They finally figured out
how to be good parents,
and I'm proud of them for that.
We told her, "Please never
shoot it in the apartment,
or the restaurant."
I-I don't know why we
aren't enforcing that rule.
I think it's fun.
I like a little indoor
restaurant archery.
That's our thing now.
- And burgers. Also, burgers.
- Mm.
[TINA] So how long have
you been archery-ing now?
Oh, gosh. Huh.
Ba-ba-ba, hmm. A month, at least?
And you're already so good. Wow.
Wait, Gene, let me
give you another "wow."
Wow. Okay, yeah, let's use that one.
That's for the documentary
about this documentary.
Everyone's doing those now.
It's called a "double-doc."
Or a "tur-doc-en."
[GENE] I call it a
"stalk-u- docu-rockumentary"
for reasons that will
become clear when I release
my rock-opera podcast about
the making of this doc.
Have I properly introduced my bow?
- This is Greta Gar-bow.
- [TINA] Yes, you have
introduced us to Greta. A few times.
- We've got enough of that.
- Do you want me to do
- a cool slow-motion walk again?
- No, I think we're good.
You know we actually do
the slow-mo in editing.
You don't have to walk that slow.
- Right. Right.
- [GENE] I liked it.
[TINA] Also, this is our
third day of shooting,
and we already have so
much footage of you walking
and talking about your
bow and to your bow.
But she's so strong and pretty.
What? Oh, sorry.
She's strong and pretty
and thoughtful and funny.
Okay, maybe we get some shots
of you actually shooting?
Finally? Not to be pushy,
but let's definitely do that.
Okay, sure, but you've got
the videos I made, right?
The ones that everyone
on the Internet loves?
Maybe you can just use those?
- Yeah, that's not gonna
- Also [SIGHS]
my arm is feeling kind of creaky today.
I, uh, hurt it doing
homework last night.
- I should probably cut that out.
- [LINDA] No.
Yep, yep, uh-huh, no
problem, just, uh
we seem to be shooting a
documentary about an archer
and we have no archery shots.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
[GENE] Maybe if I do a lot
of zooms, nobody will notice?
LIKE THIS: whoa, whoa,
- whoa, whoa.
Oh, it's Teddy. Hi, Teddy. It's locked.
We're closed, Teddy.
- Does he look weird to you?
[LINDA] Not too much
more weird than usual.
Teddy, we're closed. We're cleaning up.
[GENE] He's hangry.
[TINA] Well, we can't
film with all this noise.
Should we tell him he has
to leave? He won't like it.
I don't know if he knows
there's other restaurants.
[TINA] What's wrong with him?
Should I shoot some of this as B-roll?
We already got so much of
this guy eating earlier,
but I guess it's something.
Oh, hey, Teddy. I think they're closed.
Judging by the closed sign. [CHUCKLES]
- [LINDA] Oh, God!
- [BOB] Teddy!
What are you doing? Stop eating Mort.
- He's never done that before, has he?
- No.
I mean, he did growl
at Mort that one time
- for sitting on his stool.
- [TINA] Oh, my God.
Is he undead? Is he a zombie?
Oh, no, more zombies! It
must be a zombie apocalypse!
[LINDA] Aw, nuts.
[GENE] Ugh, and I'm wearing this?
[TINA] Yeah, this could
be very not good for us.
But, I mean, if it's gonna happen,
we're in the safest spot we
could be because we're with
one of the best archers in the world.
[GENE] Who? Oh, right, Louise.
The one we're doing
the documentary about.
- [TINA] Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, we're so safe.
- Phew, am I right? [CHUCKLES]
- So, so safe.
- Uh-huh.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Should we cut the cameras?
Focus on surviving this whole deal?
Cut the cameras? Are you crazy?
A zombie apocalypse is exactly
what this snoozer of a doc needed.
Now we can get you shooting
all the zombies with arrows,
saving our lives and stuff.
I mean, I'm sorry that
Mort guy got eaten.
Sorry, Mort guy. But, you know,
he's gonna be in a movie, so
- Uh-huh. Gr-Great.
- [GENE] Should I keep rolling?
Yes, keep rolling. But don't get eaten.
But if you do get eaten, you
know, try to keep rolling.
- Safely.
- Sounds good.
Okay, fine, but we don't know
what's going on out there.
This might not even be zombies.
This could be, like,
rabies or something.
- Brains.
- [TINA] Pretty sure he just said "brains."
Okay, so they're zombies.
Clearly, this is zombies.
- [LINDA] Yep. - [BOB] Yeah.
- Seems like it is.
Poor Mort. Poor Teddy.
Uh, might be poor us, too.
I'm feeling like this
glass is not zombie-proof.
[TINA] It's pretty thick, right?
- Oh, my God.
- [TINA] Sorry.
I guess not so thick.
- [GENE] Ooh, that beat's funky.
Dugga-dugga, dugga-dugga,
dugga-dugga-do ♪
Go away, zombies. Nobody wants you here.
What do we do? Cover the windows?
Barricade ourselves in?
- What can we use?
- [LINDA] Burgers?
- [ALL] What?
- Fine. Buns?
- Uh, tables?
- [TINA] That's a great idea.
Right. Yes, uh, that's fine.
Uh, let's take apart the tables,
because it's a zombie apocalypse.
[LOUISE] Yeah, Dad, we're
taking apart the tables.
[BOB] No, I know, I know.
I-I'm just, it's it's a lot.
But, uh, okay, let's do it.
Too bad we can't hire Teddy to help us.
- Brains.
- What do you say, Teddy,
- one last handyman job?
- Brains!
- Nope.
- We'll figure it out.
We'll use kitchen utensils as tools?
[GENE] Great idea.

[GENE] That seems like
enough barricading.
You don't want to over-barricade.
I don't hear anything.
I think they left.
And if zombies do get
in, Louise will protect us
with her amazing archery skills.
Yeah, but we really don't
know how to kill them yet.
Maybe they love being shot by arrows.
Maybe it's like a
deep-tissue massage for them.
[TINA] Oh, no, isn't there a back
door? Should we barricade that?
It's steel, a-and locked. I checked it.
This is the only way in here.
And we do have food and water.
We should be okay. As long as
we don't have to open this up.
- [RUDY] Open up! Open up!
- [BOB] Oh. - Rudy?
- [ANDY/OLLIE] Let us in!
[LOUISE] Andy and
Ollie? Are you zombies?
- No! We're running from them!
- Ugh.
We just finished boarding this up.
Tell them to run to the back door.
- You there?
- [RUDY] We're here!
- [LOUISE] He's there.
- Wait, but what if
there are zombies eating him?
That's why I got the frying pan.
If there's zombies, I'll pan 'em.
Why don't you show us on Dad
what you're gonna do to them?
- I was gonna go like this.
- Ow.
- And then I was gonna come down hard.
- Lin.
- What?
- Stop.
Everybody ready? One, two, three.
- Thank you!
- Thank you!
[TINA] Any zombies out there?
[BOB] I don't see any.
All right, let's lock this back up.
[TINA] Holy crap. Who is that?
[ANDY] That's our brother.
He wants to eat us.
- He's a zombie now.
- He sure is.
We're gonna be Dad's new favorites.
- Dad's dead.
- Oh, yeah.
- [TINA] Damn.
- [BOB] Uh, closing this.
- Uh-huh.
- [BOB] Tina.
- Mmm.
- Tina.
Okay, so, we're in a
zombie apocalypse situation.
And we're not sure how to kill them.
Some of us say arrows.
Some of us are weirdly insistent
that it might not be arrows.
But I feel like we
should give it a shot,
so to speak. [CHUCKLES]
I'm freaking out. I don't want to die.
Or un-die. How long do
we have to stay here?
- What if we run out of food?
- We're in a restaurant, Rudy.
My mom and dad are making
all of us burgers right now.
Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
- Okay, I'm cool.
I am the cool guy you do not
regret letting in. [CHUCKLES]
- Great.
- Oh, my God, what's that smell?!
That's just the way
our restaurant smells.
Okay. That's fine. That's
great. I'm doing good.
[OLLIE] My poor sweet Andy.
- You got bit.
- Just a little.
Am I gonna turn into a zombie?
If you do, promise to bite me first,
- and then we'll both be zombies.
- Ooh.
And if anyone asks about the bite,
we'll just say that
you work in construction
and it's a hazard of the job.
- He works in construction!
- I work in construction!
- It's a hazard of the job!
- It's a real job that I have!
- [GENE] Okay, bros.
[BOB] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
[TINA] How did they break through
that? We did such good barricading.
[GENE] It's like the
zombies don't even appreciate
how long it took us to do all that.
[LINDA] Kids, go to the basement!
There's some crap down
there that we can use
to reinforce this, I think.
There's, uh, an old mop and,
uh, a lot of toilet paper.
What are we gonna do with toilet paper?
- I don't know.
- [GENE] TP their houses?
I'll go. Rudy, Andy,
Ollie, come with me.
- [BOTH] Yay!
- [RUDY] Wow, you're excited.
- We like going places.
- I get it.
[TINA] Gene, go with them.
Help, but keep filming.
Uh, but also, help.
Filming is helping.
Grab anything you can.
Andy, what's wrong? Is
your zombie bite acting up?
Zombie bite? Did you say "zombie bite"?
I said "construction site
injury." That's what I said.
Uh, it sounded like
you said "zombie bite."
I heard that, too.
- Well, that's ridiculous.
- I think it's happening!
[LOUISE] Oh, crap.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Uh-huh.
- [GENE] Yep, yep.
Is that a-a fun nickname,
'cause you think I'm smart?
Yep. Ow! I love you.
Ow! Love you. Ow! Not the ears.
Okay, basement is off-limits now.
We locked it, but yeah,
two small zombies in there.
So how's it going here?
- It's going really well.
- Yep.
Louise, do something,
with the pointy sticks
that you can shoot really
fast through the air.
That would be helpful.
- Salt?
- I don't know!
- Ow.
- Pepper?
- I don't know.
- Mustard?
Stop judging the things
we're throwing at zombies!
- [LOUISE] Ha!
- [TINA] Huh.
[RUDY] Zombies don't like mustard.
Of course they don't. Who does?
[BOB] Mustard is great.
Don't start this argument again, Louise.
- Agree to disagree.
- [LINDA] I hate to interrupt,
but I think you kids
should make a run for it.
Oh. Yeah. Uh, okay.
Uh, your mom and I are
gonna stay here and, uh,
hold these guys off,
and we-we got this.
Uh, this is no problem, but
you should all go, really fast.
Well, what about my really
cool mustard breakthrough?
- Too many zombies.
[STRAINS] But it was a
really good breakthrough.
Go! Maybe out the back
door and make a run for it!
Oh! The fire escape.
Back door, get on the dumpster,
get to the ladder of
the fire escape somehow,
lower it, get everybody up
and then pull it back up?
[GENE] Can you
write all that down for us?
- What? Uh, no.
- Everyone, just go.
Go now. And, uh, we'll,
uh, we'll meet you up there.
- Okay, Louise?
- Huh. Huh. Huh.
- Oh, boy.
- Sounds like a lot of climbing,
but all right.
Okay. We'll see you guys up there.
- [BOB] Yep.
- Uh-huh.
- [TINA] We have to go now!
- Okay.
[LINDA] But if we're not up soon,
don't go to bed too late,
and stay out of my room.
Hey, watch it!
[TINA] Wait for me!
I'll climb up.
Someone else, come up
and get on my shoulders.
Do you know how to lower the ladder?
[LOUISE] Of course I do. Do you know
how many fires we've had in our house?
- A lot.
- [GENE] Good for you?
Maybe hurry? Just to try that?
- Get on my back.
- Uh, hurry, hurry.
- [GENE] Yes, please.
[LOUISE] Going as fast as we can.
- Yep. Mm-hmm. Yep.
- Okay, I'm up.
- Climb up here.
- Ladder?
- [LOUISE] Watch out.
Thanks for the heads-up,
right after it happened.
- [LOUISE] Quick, quick, quick!
- Come on, Gene.
- [RUDY] Oh, boy.
- They got me!
- [TINA] Louise, shoot him!
- Shoot me? Why?
- Not you! The zombie!
[TINA] Louise, shoot the
zombie with your bow and arrow!
Oh, yeah, I'd be into that.
- I can't do it.
- [TINA] What are you talking about?
I'm a fraud. I'm an archery fraud.
- [TINA/GENE] What?
- I can't pull the string back.
I'm not strong enough. I
can't do archery at all.
[RUDY] I didn't catch all that.
Zombies are getting kind of loud,
but are you gonna shoot the arrow soon?
Now's good for me.
- I'm sorry.
I'm a fraudy fraud pants.
I can't do any archery stuff.
Okay, now I heard "I
can't do archery stuff."
That's disappointing.
[TINA] Give me that arrow.
I don't know if it works
without the bow part.
Use it like a spear or
something. I don't know.
Okay. [GRUNTS]
[SHOUTS] Brains!
He doesn't seem to mind
that I did that to him.
Isn't that a thing?
Getting them in the head?
He's shaking his head no. [SHOUTS]
- Uh
- [LOUISE] Rudy!
- I'm so sorry.
- [RUDY] Ow!
It's fine. Ow! It's my
fault for being the slowpoke.
Ow! It's actually not that bad.
- [GENE] Really?
- I mean, it's pretty bad.
But I don't want to be
remembered as a complainer.
[GENE] At least he went peacefully?
[TINA] [GRUNTS] Why didn't you just
tell us the truth, Louise?
[LOUISE] I was embarrassed, okay?
It's embarrassing. I mean,
I'm really bad at archery.
Like, I can't pull the string back
and I haven't been
able to do it even once.
So you just made a bunch of fake videos?
I was gonna make real videos,
but that didn't work out.
Because of the whole "being
terrible at it" thing.
There was a lot of editing,
come to think of it.
One time, I did sort of
see a hand moving the arrow
- through the air.
- Yeah.
But, hey, it turns out arrows
don't kill zombies anyway,
so what are you gonna do?
I guess we're safe up here.
For now?
[QUIETLY] She seems pretty sad.
Yeah, probably because
she let everybody die.
I'm a fraud ♪
[TINA] Wait, what's happening?
I'm a phony ♪
Are you singing in a documentary?
- I'm a sham, a scam ♪
Yes, ma'am, and
I'm full of baloney ♪
Okay, now Gene seems to
be laying down a beat.
But if you could see
who I had hoped to be ♪
The me that's me more perfectly ♪
Why can't I be the
me I want to be? ♪
[TINA] Okay, maybe we get back
- to watching out for
- And in this world ♪
- Louise!
- Right. Right. Right.
- [SIGHS] Focus.
- [GENE] Uh-oh.
They're climbing up on the dumpster.
And now they're reaching for the ladder!
They might be figuring out
how to give each other a boost.
- [TINA] What? How?
- They're doing this thing.
For, like, here's the
church, here's the steeple,
open the doors, look at all the people?
Don't make this about religion.
Well, I mean, we know
one thing they don't like.
- Paying taxes?
- Mustard.
But you know who does? My parents.
Spicy, yuck. Honey, yuck. Yellow, yuck.
So many half-empty jars of mustard.
[GENE] They're coming up fast!
Might've been too long
on how you don't like
each individual jar of mustard.
Sorry. Here, take these.
- Squirt it on them!
- [LOUISE] Ha!
How does that cut the mustard, you punk?
- We condi-meant to do that.
- [GENE] Nice.
[GRUNTS] Uh, we need to fall back.
We need higher ground.
[GENE] You mean the Stevie Wonder song?
Do we even have a CD player?
We need higher mustard-squirting ground.
[TINA] Where is higher
mustard-squirting ground?
Follow me! Up there.
Can we lock the door?
I would've been able to lock the door
if my parents hadn't
made me take the lock off.
You lock yourself in your
room to watch every season
of American Horror Story one time
- [TINA] Oops, my mustard.
- Oh, no, one's getting in.
Okay, so we're not great at barricading.
[GENE] We're barely-cading.
- [TINA] Hello.
I mean, I'm gonna squirt you now.
-That was the thing. It wasn't me.
- It wasn't!
- Crap, crap, crap.
[GENE] Uh, this isn't good.
[TINA] Oh, God, I
don't want to get eaten.
I guess there are worse ways to go.
No, this is probably the worst.
Ugh, I don't want to die!
- [TINA] Wow.
- [GENE] You want to get another one?
- That was a little breathy.
- Wow.
Never mind. The first one was better.
Louise, you did it! What
did you How did
I did it this way, which
I've never tried before.
- [TINA] Thank you.
- Sure.
If I let you get eaten,
who was gonna finish
the documentary about me?
[GENE] I mean, I'm sure Rudy
and Andy and Ollie and your parents
wished you figured out
that foot thing a little earlier,
- but that's fine.
[LOUISE] Okay, sounds
like we've got more company.
Gene, you squirt mustard here.
- On your nice clean bedspread?
- It's not that clean.
Tina, you dip the
arrows, hand them to me,
and I kill the bastards. Go, go, go, go.
By the way, how many mustard
arrows are we allowed to eat?
- None.
- Copy that.
[LOUISE] She's
good at archery now ♪
She's good at archery now,
she's good at archery now ♪
She's good at archery now ♪
She's good at archery now,
she's good at archery now ♪
She's good at archery now ♪
She's good at archery
now, she's good at archery ♪
'Cause she's using
her foot somehow. ♪
[TINA] Is that it? Are we safe?
I hope so, because, um, I
only have one arrow left.
[TINA] And we're down to
the last of the mustard.
And some of us showed a lot of
restraint not eating any of it.
[LOUISE] Oh, no. It's my parents.
[GENE] They're still a cute couple.
[TINA] You only have one arrow!
How are you gonna get two people?
Sorry, Mom and Dad. I love
you, but I got to do this.

[GENE] Any more zombies out there?
- It's okay if there's not.
- [TINA] You saved us!
I mean, you had to kill
your zombie parents,
but you did your famous trick shot.
"The Off-the-Wall
Flipparoo How-Do-You-Do."
For real! And you saved us.
[GENE] And we probably
got a clean shot of it.
- Uh-oh.
- There they are. Darn it.
Don't you guys have a hobby?
- [MORT] Brains.
- Oh, right, brains.
Shoot. Um, listen.
Stay hidden. Barricade the door.
Better than we did before.
I'm gonna draw them away from here
and, I guess, go out fighting.
- [TINA] Wait, what?
- Don't argue.
- There's no time.
- I'll tell your story.
I mean, I won't, 'cause
I'll probably be dead,
um, but hopefully someone will?
Not Gene, 'cause if I'm dead,
he'll probably be dead, too.
- [GENE] Yep.
- But, you know, someone else?
Someone who's great
at editing and senses
what my incredible vision
for telling this story was?
And hopefully isn't into star wipes
- or anything like that.
- Yeah, yeah, got it.
Wow, that was great.
Dark. Pretty dark.
Yeah, but so good.
- It's not done. Shh!
- What? I-I thought
- [TINA] Gene?
- [GENE] Yeah?
- [TINA] Did you get bitten?
- No. Did you?
- [TINA] No. Louise?
- [LOUISE] [SIGHS] Yeah?
- [TINA] Did they bite you?
- No. I think
No. They stepped on me a lot, though.
[TINA] Can you see if my
camera's still rolling?
Yep, looks like it.
- So did all the zombies just leave?
- [LOUISE] Oh, my God.
It must be because we
have mustard all over us.
They didn't want to eat
us because of the mustard.
I don't have it all over me.
[TINA] You have a
little, um never mind.
Okay, new plan. We go
down to the restaurant.
We get some more mustard
and a few more arrows,
and, uh, [SCOFFS] we save the world.
- [TINA] We do?
- I have a thing to do later, but okay.
[TINA] Hey, Louise. Do
you like mustard now?
No. I'm with the zombies on this one.
[GENE] Should we cover
ourselves with chicken satay
and see if the zombies hate that, too?
What if we just get
you some chicken satay?
[GENE] Mmm.
- Eh?
- Love it.
It's perfect. I'm so proud of my little
stunt coordinators.
Sorry, we didn't go with the
"everyone dies" ending, Dad.
Totally fine. It's just a genre standard
and a political
statement, but I understand
you guys were probably facing pressure
- from the studio.
- This guy.
You give him a role, and all of a sudden
- he's giving notes.
- It's fine.
I love it. Mustard didn't deserve
any of that, but I'm
trying to overlook it.
I still don't quite
get why you didn't just
make yourself good at archery
from the beginning, Louise.
Well, that was the plan at one time,
when I thought I was gonna
be really good at archery.
But turns out I couldn't pull the string
back far enough to make
an arrow go anywhere.
I remember that day.
A lot of grunts, and
then a lot of tears.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
But then, we got the crew together,
and we had a meeting, and we said
we could either scrap production
or we could work this into the story.
And then we thought of the foot thing,
and then we knew we had our ending.
Which by the way, good for power,
not good for accuracy.
The arrow goes everywhere.
Hey, you guys were
good, too, by the way.
- Yeah, we were.
- I still have mustard in my ear.
Or maybe that was from before.
Also, it was really
nice of us to take apart
the entire restaurant
for your barricade scene.
Uh, I didn't see any mention
of that in the credits,
but that-that-that's fine.
I think it's coming up
in the "special thanks."
- It just says "Ken."
- Oh, right.
Well, Ken's sending
this to his agent, so
Also, did you thank Teddy,
Mort, Rudy, Jimmy Jr.,
Andy and Ollie enough? Because
they worked really hard.
They're locked for the sequel.
That's where the money is.
And, oh, I'm so sorry
that they had to be
part of a touching tale
of how you can feel like
a failure and then
overcome your weakness
with feet and determination.
And we're having the
cast and crew screening
tomorrow at the restaurant?
With free burgers? Right, Dad?
- [BOB] Wait, what?
- [GENE] It's in your contract.
[TEDDY] Brains ♪

Brains ♪
[TINA] It must be
a zombie apocalypse! ♪

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