Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e13 Episode Script

The Horny Unicorn

1 [line ringing.]
Hey, it's Hollyhock.
Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
Hey, Hollyhock.
Um, you still haven't returned my last call, which is fine.
I just I know you're going back to school soon, and you should know I won't be there.
Because of everything you've probably heard about.
So, if you were worried you'd have to see me, you won't.
But I would love to talk.
- It's BoJack.
- [beeps.]
Welcome to Burritos and Mo! Home of burritos and much, much mo! - Give me a large number three.
- Oh, my God.
Ellie! Look at the monitor.
It's fricking BoJack Horseman.
Don't worry, I muted it.
- [Ellie.]
He looks like crap.
- Yeah.
His tie is all loosened up, which is like the universal sign for having a shitty day.
Probably because he just came from court.
It's all over the news.
He just settled with Sarah Lynn's family for five million dollars.
Makes sense.
He seemed like a real psycho in that interview - he did a few months back.
- Yeah.
I'm surprised he'd still wanna show his face in public.
- Hey! - [man.]
His face is everywhere.
- The cover of every magazine.
- Okay.
Even got the number-one slot for Hundred Most Hatted Men.
- No, it - [Ellie.]
Most Hatted Men? What is that? [man.]
List of men in hats, I guess.
He was wearing a fedora.
It was Most Hated Men! - [Ellie gasps.]
- [man.]
What? It was the Hundred Most Hated Men, it was a newsboy cap, and I can hear everything you've been saying! [Ellie.]
Uh - [man.]
Get his bags, Ellie! - You said you muted it! [BoJack grunting.]
- [man.]
Have a burrito-ful day! - [man 2.]
Hey! [grunts.]
You suck, asshole! - [sighs.]
- [theme music playing.]
I don't think it's wise to be burning Bridges at this juncture.
I'm sorry, just don't like Beau.
- Greetings, strangers! - Maude? That's what they want you to think! I'm Maude's twin sister Fergus, we have never met before, and I'd be delighted to accept a job at this company.
- [scoffs.]
What? - As you know, I have 12 children.
What sort of day care services do you provide here? Has this ever happened to you? Todd? At the office? Can we wrap whatever this is up? I'm supposed to head over to the "Birthday Dad" set.
I wanna run a day care at VIM! I've mastered the art of looking at one baby and I'm ready for more.
You do have several employees with children.
If you employ Todd through the company, you could offer him a raise and still save money on taxes.
It's done.
Hooray! Corporate tax loophole! Plus, we can carpool to the office.
Which leads me to my next point.
I am moving out to live with Maude.
It's me! It's Maude.
I don't really have a twin sister.
Hey, that's fantastic! Where are you moving to? Um - You can stay here! Live with me forever! - [director.]
Cut! The line is, "Thank you for the birthday pizza.
Today, I am your dad.
" - Oh, sorry! - Let's take five? - Hey, champ.
Everything okay? - I'm just distracted.
Ever since Pickles left, I've been so lonely in that big, empty house.
I've always had a wife or a girlfriend, someone to take care of.
Princess Carolyn, you're perpetually alone.
- How do you manage? - One day at a time, buddy.
I went to the doctor to see if he could make me feel better, he said, "You should check out this Internet meme, it always cheers me up: Sad Dog.
" And I said, "But Doctor, I am Sad Dog.
" Guys, I'm really sorry this keeps happening.
When I got home, I found my wife and daughter had moved out.
All they left behind was this picture.
- Okay.
- Shh! It's the stock photo that came in the frame.
My wife kept asking me to put in a picture of our family, but I was always too drunk.
But because of all of you and my sponsor Leo, I'm no longer just the man who's not in this picture.
I'm a different, better man who is also not in this picture.
Who's next? [sighs.]
- Um, okay, I'll speak.
- Ugh.
Things have been pretty brutal for me lately.
- Most people hate me - Mm-hmm.
I just lost five million dollars, so that's not great.
Could probably use a Leo of my own right about now.
Wow, tough room.
This AA meeting is a tough room.
Hey, I'll be your sponsor.
Oh! Um I know what you're thinking, "Vance Waggoner? That guy's gonna be my sponsor? The guy Charlie Sheen once called 'a little much'?" - Uh - "Vance Waggoner? That guy's got more domestic assault convictions than Sean Penn!" And now you're thinking, "Did Sean Penn get convicted of domestic assault or was it just alleged? I gotta look that up later.
" - I'm sure - Now you're thinking, "Why would someone this cool and put-together wanna sponsor me, - dumb slob BoJack Horseman?" - That's not Wait.
I've been where you've been, BoJack.
And everyone abandoned me.
If you need someone to talk to, give me a call, okay? My number is 555-555-8008.
Because sometimes life turns you upside-down, and when you're upside-down, my number is boobs.
[phone buzzing.]
- [beeps.]
- Hello? Diane! How are the revisions going? Good! Usually at this stage I hate everything I've ever written and I feel like a worthless hack, but this book actually isn't terrible.
Great, so when can we expect the not-terrible sequel, "Ivy Tran Two: A Tran for All Seasons"? I don't know, Ivy Tran was fun but I'm a grown-up writer.
There are other things I wanna write.
Did you know Eleanor Roosevelt - Interesting.
- I didn't even tell you the thing.
I know.
I was interested in you not telling me.
Okay, good bit.
In the meantime, if you're interested in writing books that people actually read, you'll get to work on "Ivy Tran Two: Last Tran to Clarksville.
" - Eleanor Roosevelt once - Interesting! [disconnect tone.]
[audience laughing.]
And those congressional turd-weasels actually called this legislation the "Anti-Corruption Bill!" That's like if BoJack Horseman wore a T-shirt that said, "I am not a ginormous dick-weasel!" Hey, that is an unfair drive-by! Now, I know this Photoshop is not up to our program's usual standards, but in our graphic department's defense, none of them could spend ten minutes looking at this ass-weasel without their uteruses literally throwing up.
- [phone ringing, buzzing.]
- Ugh! - [beeps.]
- Yes? BoJack, it's your very good accountant Gaz.
- I'm here with - Your very good lawyer Chaz! Okay.
The good news is the Sarah Lynn settlement isn't gonna kill us.
What's the bad news? The bad news is you're being sued for a hundred million dollars.
- What? - Remember in your interview, when you disparagingly referred to yourself as "a Xerox of a Xerox"? The Xerox Corporation did not appreciate being implicated in your untoward behavior.
Just so I'm clear, Sarah Lynn's death cost me five million dollars, but saying something bad about a brand is gonna cost me a hundred million? When you frame it that way, it almost seems comical! But it is not comical, because a hundred million dollars is a lot of money you do not have.
Okay, so what's the move? - Funny you should mention "move.
" - [doorbell rings.]
Your accountant told me you wanted to sell your house? - Okay, I'm gonna call you back.
- So, I sold your house! Wow-ee! It looks better than the pictures! - You sold my house? - Golly, are you? Sylvester Stallion.
From the Rocky movies.
Oh! Hey, you kids wanna go check out the pool? - [boy.]
Yeah! - [girl.]
I love my new life! You sold my house? I found this sweet, sweet family from Ohio whose kid just got cast in a movie! I wanted to make sure the ink dried on the mortgage before they find out the movie's being shot in Saskatchewan.
So, where do I go? What do I look like, a real estate agent? - Wait.
- Yeah? Your mail came.
- Now leave.
You're harshing the buzz.
- But Huh? - Well, I'm all moved in.
- [sighs.]
Me too.
Wow! Got a promotion and my own apartment all in the same day.
- I never realized my boyfriend was butter.
- You're right.
I am on a roll! What should I do next? [ringing.]
Chavez residence, this is Jorge.
Please state the purpose of your call so I can most appropriately modulate my tone.
Hey, it's Todd.
Is Mom there? Ah! Todd! Yes.
She's resting at the moment.
Can I take a message? I just wanted her to know that I don't have anything to prove to her, but I got a new job and an apartment, so if I did have something to prove to her, - I'd have proven it by now.
- Well, that's wonderful, Todd.
And quite mature.
And she won't even talk to me.
- Does she know I'm butter? - I'm glad to hear you're on a roll.
We'd love to see your home once you're settled.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm settled! I'm a grown-ass Todd! - No, I just meant - I don't need to impress you! Why don't you come to my fancy, sophisticated housewarming party tomorrow night and see for yourself! Consider us there.
What can we bring? - Two chairs! - [beeps.]
We could throw together a party, right? Um - No.
- I need a job.
There are no offers.
- Can you check? Ask around? - I'm checking.
I'm asking around.
- [gasps.]
There are no offers.
- But I'm broke and homeless.
I can get you a small role on "Birthday Dad.
" Great.
Have my pages delivered to me at the Chateau Marmoset.
- You just said you're broke! - And homeless.
You are not staying at a fancy hotel.
Who else would have me? You could stay here! Live with me forever! [sighs.]
- [sizzling.]
- [Mr.
Peanutbutter humming.]
And flip! Morning, sunshine! I hope I didn't wake you with the delicious smell of a well-balanced breakfast.
- Less talky.
More coffee.
- You got it, roomie! - Coffee maker, make! - [beeps.]
Took the liberty of doing your laundry and this letter was in your pocket.
- [gasps, screams.]
- Ooh-hoo! A mysterious pen pal! Is it a secret admirer or the snowman killer still at large? It's from Hollyhock.
But [sighs.]
I can't open it.
What if she says she never wants to hear from me again? Or maybe it says "I got rid of my TV three months ago.
What's new, BoJack?" I should just call her.
If I could talk to her, I feel like I could explain that [voicemail.]
Hey, it's Hollyhock.
Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
- [voicemail beeps.]
- Hey, Hollyhock.
It's me again.
And his good friend and roommate and coworker, Mr.
Peanutbutter! It's our first day of work together! I got your letter and I haven't read it yet, but I'm going to and It's really great to hear your voice your voicemail voice.
- Just give me a call.
It's BoJack.
- [beeps.]
- Ready to go? - What about this breakfast? We don't have time for that! You can feed me while I drive, let's go! - Precision - [Todd.]
Oh, whoa! - Easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop! - [kids giggling.]
Hey, Judah.
I need your advice.
I'm trying to throw a sophisticated adult party to impress my parents and I have no furniture or sophisticated adult friends.
I'm alarmed.
Do you not consider me a sophisticated adult or a friend? Judah, this is no time for one of your famous Judah tantrums! Sounds like you need to throw together a scheme in a short amount of time.
In situations like this, I often think, - "What would Todd do?" - And? He'd probably scour VIM's talent list for underemployed actors, tell them they've been hired for a site-specific immersive theater piece as cosmopolitan partygoers, invite just enough real friends to lend it an air of legitimacy and raid the "Birthday Dad" set for furniture.
That's brilliant! Todd, I've done it again! - Let's go, babies! - [giggling.]
Uh Babies.
Come on! - [trunk trumpets.]
- [giggling continues.]
And for what? - A couple trophies? A parade? - [BoJack groans.]
Not for me.
Maybe I'm just a crazy, old birthday person, - but I think war is bad.
- [bell rings.]
Great job, Mr.
You're changing hearts and minds.
Isn't this great? Working together? For the next take, can we get Dead Body Number Four to face away from the camera? - Oh! That's you! - Yeah.
- Exciting! - [grunts, groans.]
All the way away from the camera.
[grunts, groans.]
I can't really breathe.
That's okay.
Let's run it again.
- [screams.]
- Cool dressing room.
And great work on that scene.
You really seemed like a hollowed-out corpse.
Once animated by the fire of life, now consumed by horror and regret, and for what? Great.
You wanna get dinner? Oh, I'd love to, buddy, but I have like five more scenes to shoot.
Of course, yeah.
I'll see you back at the house then? Yeah.
Oh! I'm probably going to head right to Todd's fancy party after work.
Todd's having a fancy party? Mr.
Peanutbutter, we're ready for the scene where you help an American soldier and a Taliban insurgent realize they both have the same birthday.
- It's Christmas.
- Ugh.
[line ringing.]
BoJack! [Todd.]
Greetings, cast! As you know, you have been hired to play urbane, civilized party guests.
So, if at any point tonight a "member of the audience" tries to talk to you, please say one of the three following phrases that elegant adults say all the time: "I'm starting to think smart phones are actually making us less connected.
" - Oh, yeah! - "Well, that's politics for you!" Or, "Sir, you cannot remove your shoes inside this Applebee's.
" [all.]
Ooh! - Hey! - Hello.
What's that? It's a case of Ass-Jolt, Pickles' favorite alcoholic energy drink.
I don't need them anymore.
- Oh, fish, I forgot a gift.
- You have two options.
This sourdough starter or a haiku I wrote on a grain of rice - and then suspended in a bottle.
- Uh Why don't we just say they're both from both of us? Yeah.
- [woman gasps.]
- And you don't wanna open it? I'm not ready.
As long as I don't read it, she's still in my life.
It's good to have people that remind us why we stay sober.
That's what my daughter is for me.
Here's your sandwich.
Chef made it just for you.
Hmph, hmph, hmph.
Okay, do I have a horn? Because everybody keeps looking at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Well, if you've got a horn, you're the ugliest unicorn I ever saw.
You'd be kicked out of the unicorn kingdom because you couldn't get a date to the marshmallow cotillion.
Yeah, or because I snorted up all the magic fairy glitter.
[deep voice.]
"This summer: Dumbass Unicorn.
" [chuckles.]
That's so stupid.
No, that's exactly what they'd do.
It would be like "Nasty Unicorn: The Unicorn Who Parties.
" [normal voice.]
Yeah, and his horn is like a corkscrew, and he tries to open a bottle of wine, but it gets stuck, so now he's got this wine bottle on his head, just dripping wine down his face, - like [grunting.]
- [laughing.]
"Nasty Unicorn.
He puts the 'U' in 'Eff you.
'" Okay, but it wouldn't be "Nasty Unicorn.
" It would be "Horny Unicorn"! Oh, shit, that's amazing.
Now we have to do it.
What do you mean "do it"? The movie.
You're the Horny Unicorn.
I'll direct.
We're doing it.
I'm not really the guy people wanna see in movies right now.
Yeah, they don't wanna see you be Secretariat or raising orphans.
But they will see you be a rude dude who says all the things polite society is too limp-dicked to say.
This is your way back in.
This is how you get that love back.
"The Horny Unicorn"? Yeah, 'cause deep down, he's wounded.
He's misunderstood.
It's not his fault he's the way he is! - And people are gonna see that! - Yeah? Yeah! He's like, "Hey, buddy! I never asked to be the horny unicorn! What? You think I like it that I gotta jizz rainbows every 20 minutes to keep my horn from going soft?" [chuckles.]
I don't know.
Come on.
I know you need the money.
When are you gonna stop punishing yourself? [video game noises.]
Flip it.
No, you gotta [sighs.]
Flip the thing.
Flip it.
Hey, Sonny, do you know where the advance copy of my book is? Your stupid book about the mall? Haven't seen it.
'Cause I would never even notice it.
- 'Cause it's for losers.
Girl losers.
- [laughing.]
You can just say losers.
Girls can be losers without specifying that they're girls.
Will you let me know if you see it? I need to get revisions to my publisher.
Sounds like a "you" problem.
Girl loser.
- [piano music playing.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Hello.
- We're here for the party? We brought a plant.
Uh, just one sec.
I'm starting to think smart phones are actually making us less connected.
- They are! - Well, that's politics for you.
- It is! - Hey, man.
Uh - What's going on? - We're here for the party.
We brought a plant.
Look [sighs.]
BoJack, don't make me ask you to leave.
- You don't have to - Come on, dude.
Let us in.
- This plant's heavy as tits.
- I don't want a whole thing here.
My mom is coming and I haven't spoken to her in ten years, and I can't risk anything happening.
What do you think is going to "happen"? I don't know, man, but something always happens with you and usually I've been cool because I know you're always dealing with your own shit, but I can't risk it tonight.
I'm sober.
Nothing is going to happen.
Yeah, bro, what do you think's gonna Oh, shit.
Ugh! I'll see you around.
We spent like 30 bucks on that plant.
Yes, I have made mistakes.
So, now what? I'm just supposed to go away forever? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.
This is where you find out who your real friends are.
Part of being sober is leaving behind all the people who can't stop seeing you as the person who pissed in the fountain - at my own daughter's sweet 16.
- Yeah? You think you owe them something because they tolerated you at your worst, but these people enjoy seeing you fail because it lets them feel superior.
They don't know how to process it when you're no longer the huge screw-up who hijacked a Meals On Wheels van to bring my friends to a strip club.
- I don't know - I do.
You know what else I know? You gotta go where the love is.
That's why we gotta make "Horny Unicorn.
" Because it's gonna make a billion dollars and drive all those assholes crazy! It would be good to have something to keep me busy.
See? That's what I'm talking about! - There he is! There's my Horn-corn! - [phone buzzing.]
- Ah, shit.
My daughter's in trouble.
- What is it? You mind if we swing by EWE.
real quick? EWE.
? I'm trying to keep a low profile.
- I don't think a college campus - BoJack, this is my daughter, okay? She's the one person I care about, the one thing keeping me sober.
- Why do you need me to go with you? - Unbelievable.
When everyone else abandoned you, who was there for you? When the world judged you and ridiculed you? And now, the one time I need something from you Okay.
I'm in.
Or as the horny unicorn would say, "Am I in?" Oh, you're in, baby! [video game noises.]
Come on, come on, come on! Come on! - What the hell, Diane? - Ah! I'm working! I'm just taking a break.
- Oh, you found my book? - Yeah, and it sucked.
Totally unrealistic.
- You read my book? - I've been reading it.
Obviously, I wasn't gonna say it in front of my friends, because it's a book for girl babies, but anyways it didn't even make sense! What do you mean? Like, you say the book takes place in Chicago, but Ivy lives in Schaumburg.
Schaumburg, Diane? Schaumburg's not Chicago.
It's in the Chicago metropolitan Oh, my God, what's next?! Evanston, Chicago? Morton Grove, Chicago? Naperville, Chicago? - That's what you sound like! - Okay, it's not too late to change it.
And while you're at it, - I've got some other questions.
- Yeah? Like, okay.
When Ivy told Moose that he wasn't her best friend anymore and Moose said, "You're still my best friend whether you like it or not" [sniffs.]
- was that real? - What do you mean? Like, did that really happen, that someone could be someone's best friend still even when they're disappointed in them? Um, yeah, Sonny, that's real.
And you know how Ivy kept her dad's watch in her locker because even though he wasn't around she still knew that he loved her? - Was that real, too? - Well, the book is fiction.
Yeah, no, I get it, I just parts of it felt real, you know? Yeah.
I know.
It's cool that you wrote a book.
I mean, I think girls are gonna like it.
Especially girls who, like, don't have good self-esteem.
- I hope so.
- So, when's the next one coming out? Just in case you need me to check it for other mistakes, you know.
Well, if I get started right away, it should be out by next fall.
- Cool.
You gotta flip it.
- Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit! - Jagger! Jagger! - Shh, shh.
Hey, hey, hey, keep it down maybe? Oh, my God, Dad, is this seriously happening? - Why are you here? - You knew what you were doing when you liked your mother's Instagram post of her on the beach with her new boyfriend.
- What? - It was a good picture! That's why we're here? Every month, you get five Instagram likes on my account and five on your mother's account.
You heard what the judge mandated! Hey, man, let's just go.
Okay? People are starting to - Are you BoJack Horseman? - No.
- Yeah, you are.
- NoJack.
Were you trying to get my attention? 'Cause you got it now, baby! - Dad! - The story got picked up by TMZ! You're ruining my life! You're making me look like a real cuck, Jagger.
I'm getting cucked by my own daughter! You don't even know what that word means! I just want you to know, - I think you got a real bum deal.
- Oh, yeah? You got massively sandbagged in that interview, bro.
- You were trying to apologize.
- Thank you.
Everything these days is all "patriarchy" this and "male gaze" that.
And, well, I think it's cool you're pushing back against that.
Well, no, I'm not pushing back.
No, Bo, I'm saying it's cool.
You can relax here.
This is a safe space.
- Okay.
- You're embarrassing me! Oh, yeah? How's this for embarrassing? Your last spon-con post for L'Oréal? It came off as disingenuous! [gasps.]
You know I love my wide array of L'Oréal products! From game days with the gals to cram sessions at the creamery, L'Oréal gives me the confidence to shine my brightest! Do you wanna come back to Delta House? I think those guys would be super-stoked to meet you.
- They'd be stoked? - Super-stoked.
All right, let's get out of here.
My daughter sucks, which is surprising because I did such a good job raising her.
Let's make one more stop.
- Hey! Looking good! - Well, that's politics for you! [phone buzzes, beeps.]
- Hello? - Your mother isn't feeling well.
She's still recovering from her surgery.
Does that mean you're not coming to my refined, upscale party that I totally didn't just throw together only to impress you? I'm sorry, uh, no.
But thank you for inviting us.
Jorge, I'm trying to connect to her.
I know.
Please keep trying.
I'm starting to think that smart phones are actually making us less connected.
And then I passed out in the pool.
Sploosh! Luckily, Lindsay Lohan was there to perform CPR.
She still credits me for being the reason she got sober that time.
- Who's Lindsay Lohan? - She's a celebrity from the olden days.
Olden days? Jesus.
Hey, look, buddy, I gotta go.
I'm gonna walk this co-ed back to her room.
'Cause, you know, there's pervs out there.
Are you serious? You're supposed to be my sponsor.
So, what, I gotta hang out with you all the time? Relax, okay? I'll call you tomorrow, we'll set up "Horny Unicorn.
" Enjoy your people.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
- Hey, man.
Hey! No pictures! - Delete that.
- Come on.
Hey, no.
You come on.
I'm not here to be your cool story later.
Okay, sorry.
I shouldn't be here.
[bottle clinks.]
[line ringing.]
[female voice.]
The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected.
What? [gasps, exhales.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
[camera shutters click.]
Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'm just trying To make you understand That I'm more horse than a man - Or I'm more man than a horse - BoJack
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