Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e14 Episode Script


1 And that's the end of a sexist, fatphobic anecdote in which I was so desperate to get out of the rain, I slept with a plus-sized woman.
Hold the door.
- Oh! Did I miss a meeting? - No, Angela.
We took Davey here out for a big '90s-style birthday party, it being the '90s and all I would have come! I love the '90s, and it being them.
Come on, the president of the network shouldn't fraternize with the board.
Let your number two handle that stuff.
I don't like you going to birthday parties behind my back, Teddy.
I was doing reconnaissance for you! You didn't hear it from me, but there's some concern that as a single career gal, you're, - well, a single career gal.
- And? ABC's supposed to be a family network.
I understand families.
Does he? Oh, Herb.
I'm sorry, okay? It's called discretion, Herb.
We're trying to sell the network to Disney.
Disney? You think Michael Eisner gives a hoot who I go to bed with? We don't need to bring Eisner into this.
Obviously, Michael Eisner is a compassionate and progressive individual.
This isn't about him.
- So, it's you.
Just say it's you.
- No.
You're the one If you're going to fire me, at least have the balls to fire me.
- You're fired.
- Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think you can do "Horsin' Around" without me? We could do it without anybody.
All we need is the horse.
And that horse is just gonna go along with you canning his best friend? You want BoJack to betray me, you're gonna need one hell of a pitch.
- Mr.
Horseman, you're invited to set? - Thank you.
- The set of "Horny Unicorn"? - Yes, I'm aware.
To shoot a scene in whichthe titular horny unicorn gets his penis stuck in a saxophone, because he was hoping to "get blown"? I know the scene, thank you.
Hello? - BoJack, this is Angela Diaz.
- Huh? We met once before.
I remember.
I saw your interview several months back.
It made me nostalgic.
Me too.
Nostalgic for the day before I did the interview.
Oh, yes, humor.
If you're free tonight, you could come by the house, watch the fire, reminisce.
There's something I've been meaning to ask you.
- What? - Wouldn't you love to find out? Uh So, the Stephen King musical opened right next door to the Sondheim revival.
We have clients in both.
I was worried there'd be tension, but it turns out Misery loves Company.
Judah, are you in a band? Why do you ask that? I've always wondered if you were in a band ever since this afternoon when I overheard Juniper tell Stuart that you were in a band.
You're playing a gig tonight, and the whole office is going.
I was planning to invite you, but didn't want you to feel obligated.
We're not good.
Lenny! How the shell are you? I got trouble, PC! You know Teddy Buttons, my head of production? I'm familiar with Teddy.
I somehow missed that Teddy has spent the last 20 years showing women his I'm familiar.
See, that's why I love you.
You're discreet.
- You're tough.
You're Teflon.
- That's me, an old frying pan.
I could use someone who can handle the heat over here.
Someone who can be more professional and less Moonves.
What are you saying? I want you to run Turteltaub's new female-focused studio division, - Girtletaub! - I didn't sneeze.
No, Girtletaub is the studio.
I wanna announce a slate before the Teddy story hits the trades.
You think you can throw one together? You want me to pitch my dream movie studio? I need it tomorrow morning.
We gotta hit the ground running with this thing.
You don't wanna go slow and steady? What am I, a tortoise? Hmm.
Get me box office numbers.
We need firm financial figures to frame how fans flock to flicks that flex chicks, woman films, like Pretty, Wonder, Little.
Diary of a Mad Black.
I'll get my laptop.
Oh, wait! Your gig.
I have time.
This is important.
When a Man Loves a - What? - That's another film title, as we were discussing previously.
Oh, of course.
- Hey, Guy, I'm about to - Diane.
Am I wearing a T-shirt right now that says "Treat me like I'm some kind of asshole"? I can't see you right now, but I'm guessing by your tone, no? Then why is my ex-wife treating me like I'm some kind of asshole? Did you tell her you weren't wearing the shirt? Lady got a job in Houston.
She's taking Sonny out of school and moving to Texas.
She can't do that! Well, she can, because she has full custody.
And this is her dream job, and I'm really happy for her.
But this sucks! Well, they must need cameramen in Houston, and I can write anywhere I couldn't ask you to do that.
I wouldn't ask you to ask.
If Sonny's going to Houston, then we're going.
All right.
Uh, g-go, Astros! Go rodeos! Hope you like barbecue! I hope I don't need another abortion because they are hard to get there! - Wait, what? - Just trying to think of Texas things.
Houston! All day at the airport, I watch people pull suitcases.
Why do we suffer that extra weight dragging us down? Because we need clean clothes.
The point is: helium luggage.
Why pack light when you canpack lighter than air? All right, so Mom's too sick to come out of her room but not too sick to make her famous Frito pie? Well, she wanted to see you.
She was fine all day and then suddenly ill with a stomach bug.
I wanna see her.
No, no, no, no, she's not there! She's at the Zumba.
Is she at Zumba or is she sick? She is sick but was hoping the Afro-Latin fusion beats would make her feel better.
This was a mistake.
Todd, I must confess to you, your mother is not at Zumba.
I can see her in the window.
Oh! That's a mannequin so I can test out my outfits.
You're lying again! Okay.
She didn't come to dinner because she's ashamed.
She can't say hello? The woman has my kidney! And that's why she's ashamed.
A mother shouldn't owe her child her life.
If she could turn it around somehow, save your life - But, alas, she cannot.
- Huh.
But maybe if she could but no, you’re obviously healthy.
But if you weren't - But you are.
- Hmm.
- Clearly there is nothing to be done.
- Hmm.
- Hey.
- Wha Aren't you the horse from "Horsin' Around"? Mm.
Look at this thing.
I fell down one time and I'm an invalid.
- Word to the wise, BoJack, don't get old.
- I'll see what I can do about that.
My 40-year-old companion treats me like a fragile antique.
I've got a Lamborghini Miura and she won't even let me drive it.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Uh Yeah? I'm sorry that at the '94 upfronts we made you do that stupid BoJack dance.
Is that why you wanted to see me tonight? No.
You're tall.
I need you to reach a box.
"Melanie, good luck with your braces.
I think they look cool.
" Huh? Mr.
Peanutbutter? Oh.
Uh - Who's that dog? - Mr.
Peanutbutter! - Diane! - You wrote a memoir? Oh, yeah! I had the idea a few months ago, then one weekend it just fell out of me.
- What? - From the way people talk about writing, I always assumed it was very difficult, but it turns out it's not at all, literally anyone can do it! Yes, that's always been my experience.
I loved your new book, by the way.
- Thanks.
- I'm happy for you, Diane.
Even though it's really easy to write a book, it's still an accomplishment to be proud of.
- I am.
- And how's Chicago? Are you a Chicagoan yet? You know, I went to school in Chicago.
You went to Northwestern.
That's not in Chicago.
Ah! You are a Chicagoan! I'm actually about to move to Houston.
In New York? Oh, I think there they pronounce it "Hose-town.
" No, Texas.
My boyfriend and I are going.
Oh, wow! Boyfriend.
- Yeah.
- That's fantastic.
I wanna hear all about him.
I assume he's a good guy? He's actually the best Guy.
His girlfriend looks nice.
He seems healthy.
What What's his job? I think he runs a daycare, but he talks about the babies as if they're his co-workers, so it's impossible to know for sure.
- I should have been there.
- We'll try again.
Oh! - Hello? - Listen up, Helen.
I've kidnapped your son and I demand a ransom or I will Next card? "Murder him!" Oh, no! Todd's gonna get murdered by a fearsome stranger whose sage, buttery voice simultaneously comforts me and fills me with dread.
Sounds like a lot of range for a kidnapper.
Who are you and what do you want? "I'm your worst nightmare and I want one hundred of your famous Frito pies.
" Yes.
Anything! "Under the Hyperion Street Bridge in one hour.
" That was perfect! Thank you, Margo! It's the least I can do.
Getting you to buy that addictive video game was the act that set me down this ruinous path so many years ago.
If I can make things right by you, maybe there's hope yet for this wretched soul.
Okay! Open it.
- Whoa.
- The studio went all-out.
They even found your original screen test.
That's incredible.
Too bad no one will ever see it.
After your interview, we couldn't give these things away.
Oh, right.
It was a great show.
It would be a shame for it to be forgotten now.
Maybe it's for the best.
I just feel so bad for Sarah Lynn.
She was so good.
It's tragic she won't be remembered for it.
Well, nothing we can do about it now, right? I've completed a projection for female-led films over five years.
It's encouraging but vague until I get the specifics of your dream slate.
I don't know what that is! I don't remember my dreams.
Did I ever even have dreams? If you leave now, you can still make your show.
My job is to be here when you are.
Don't give your whole life to this job, because if you do, someday someone will finally ask you what you want and you'll realize you don't even know anymore.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry to miss it.
You missing it will make eye contact easier tomorrow.
Gronkle has been re-cutting old episodes of The Cosby Show to take out all the Cosby scenes.
- They call it "The Show.
" - Huh.
They wanna try something similar with "Horsin' Around.
" So, it'll just be "Around"? It'll just be around eight minutes an episode, which is perfect for today's ADD-addled youth.
It's about three precocious orphans living without any adult supervision, who learn that wisdom and guidance can be found everywhere.
It's all "around.
" Well, sounds like you got it all figured out.
- What do you need me for? - Your backend.
Nobody's going to watch the show if they think you're still profiting off it.
- I need that money now more than ever.
- We want to buy you out.
A one-time payment and then you're divorced from the show forever.
Do it for Sarah Lynn.
Doesn't she deserve more than to be remembered as the girl you killed? Have you seen the episodes without me in them? - Mm-hmm.
- And they're good? If you sign that document, you won't need to worry about that ever again.
Good, let's drink.
I'm fine with my water, thanks.
You're not fooling anyone with that water bottle.
Let me fix you a real drink.
Wow, this is a huge crowd for us.
Is everyone from your office here? Not everyone.
Judah, obviously I was speaking figuratively.
Hi, we are Spectrum of Enchantment.
Our lead singer had to go back to work - What? - so we'll be playing all of the instrumental versions of our songs.
So Whoo! Instrumentals! Now boys and girls If you wanna do the BoJack Take your hands Put them up on your lower back Take your circle and strut and strut Wiggle your hips and jiggle your - Uh-oh! - Whoo! troubles and pull up your pants That's how you do the BoJack dance! Brilliant! Yeah, but no one wants to do the BoJack now.
It's funny.
I remember a time when I was scared you'd leave the show.
Who'd have thought one day I'd be asking you to? When were you scared that I'd leave the show? Oh, Herb was gay and I had to convince you to let us fire him.
- Let you? - You probably don't even remember, but I had this whole speech I practiced in the mirror.
I was terrified you were going to call my bluff.
Bluff? All this time, I thought there was nothing I could have done I guess I bluffed good! - I'm not taking your stupid deal.
- No! You signed! - Stop, you idiot! - No.
No! Why should I give you what you want? You took everything from me.
My job was on the line.
You have no idea Every stupid decision I made, every bad thing that has ever happened, - it all started because of you.
- Grow up.
You play these games, "if I hadn't done this, if I wasn't so that," but you did and you were and here we are.
I can't I Here we are! Because we did what we had to do.
So, what do you have to do now? Oh, God.
That's right.
Now, another drink? Please! Don't hurt him! Boy dies if you don't got the pies.
We have them.
Jorge? Go! Go! Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! We should have boxed them! No! Please don't hurt him.
I never got to make it right.
I've ruined my chance Spare me the deets.
I just want the freets.
- Frito pies, that is.
- Oh! No! Stop! - Mom! Mom! - Helen? Are you all right? It's okay.
It's not real.
I'm fine! It's a classic Todd shenanigan! But how would you know what that is? I think my wife is having a heart attack.
That's Margo Martindale, the actress! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was too convincing! Oh, if only I wasn't so good at acting! It's funny, isn't it? The things that matter? The truth is none of it matters and the truth is it all matters tremendously.
It's a wonder any of us ever get out of bed at all.
And yet, we get out of bed.
I'm going home.
- What are you doing? - I'm taking your car.
- What? - You're not using it.
Someone should get some pleasure out of something in this sad, stupid world.
Consider it a signing bonus.
And I'm taking these.
But the lazy Susans turned out to be very problematic.
- Why? - Offensive to Susans.
There was a protest organized by Susan Sarandon.
Oh, no! Not that many Susans showed up.
You know what they say about Susans.
They're lazy? Suddenly you're desperately seeking them.
Anyway, I don't know how we got talking about me for so long.
You were gonna tell me about your boyfriend.
It's good? It's really good.
When I'm with him, I feel like I'm part of an "us," you know? Like, every other relationship, I always felt like a "me" in a relationship.
Does that make sense? Uh, yeah.
That makes sense.
I-I didn't realize I was doing that.
I've always tried to be an "us" with people even when I could see it wasn't a good idea.
Now that I'm single, I feel like I'm finally learning how to be a "me.
" That's great.
I know there were times you would try to tell me something and instead of listening, I just tried to fix it or convince you there wasn't a problem.
I shouldn't have done that.
We're all doing our best.
- I wanna know now.
- Know what? Tell me what it's like to be Diane.
When you're Diane, you can live your whole life like it's a puzzle, put together from the pieces of different sets.
Like a crossover puzzle? Exactly.
Your whole life is full of these pieces that don't quite fit.
Sounds like a hard puzzle.
But at some point, you start to think it's you.
You're the piece that doesn't quite fit.
And you spend so long with that feeling that the feeling becomes your home.
And it can be jarring when you discover one day that you suddenly don't feel that way anymore.
At first, you don't trust it.
But then, gradually, you do.
I'm sorry.
That was a weird thing to be telling my ex-husband.
- I'm really happy for you, Diane.
- It's funny.
I feel like if we met each other as the people we are now, things would be totally different with us.
Yeah, but if we hadn't met each other until now, we wouldn't be the people we are now.
Two equally accomplished book writers.
You suffered an anxiety attack.
I'd encourage you to avoid stressful situations like, uh, fake kidnappings under abandoned bridges.
Okay, paperwork time.
You seem like a fellow who enjoys unnecessary bureaucracy.
I do, Doctor.
Mm, was that the bridge where they shot Grease? - Yeah! - That's neat.
Todd, I'm so sorry! Oh, no, I know you didn't mean to I thought kicking you out was the right thing.
You were 18.
You had dropped out of high school.
You were always high.
You only wore flip-flops.
- You never showered.
- You don't have to list everything.
I wanted you to grow up, not leave forever.
Then more and more time passed and I didn't know how to make it right.
Truth is, I did grow up.
Your plan worked.
I haven't had a mom for so long, I I don't really need one anymore.
So, what do we do now? Well, I do have one idea.
- What? - A big robot suit like in Aliens, but for babies so they can do grown-up things! - That sounds dangerous.
- Yeah, I guess it is.
But maybe the robots could be powered by energy generated from sucking on pacifiers.
That is so smart! Babies love sucking and right now it's just wasted energy! And so you see, the circle had become complete.
All the twists and turns had allbeen part of a beautiful tapestry, a grander mission to bring this boy and his mother together again.
That's quite a story.
But you've killed a lot of people.
- Margo Martindale, you're going to pris - Wait! You can't send her to jail before she gets to act in one of my movies! Indie filmmaker Nicole Holofcener? I find it hard to believe Margo Martindale has never appeared in your work.
It's true! And I need her to play the mother of the poetry student Catherine Keener has an affair with in my new film, "Classroom Warfare.
" Ooh! Can I, Mr.
Judge? Please? Damn, that does sound good.
Okay, you're free to go.
Yee-haw! Come on.
Open! Open up! God.
Where's my stupid Why is everything so difficult? Have it your way, door.
Todd! How come we never go swimming? This is terrible.
Well, hello.
Who put pills in my house? Judah, you were supposed to have the night off! Your hair is so long! I'd rather be here.
I know.
Would you think I was an idiot if I didn't go work for Turteltaub? I would never think you were an idiot.
This slate we're putting together We could get some financiers and do it ourselves, right? If there's one thing I know about this business, it's never underestimate what Princess Carolyn can do by herself.
Well, not all by myself.
Well I've got the babysitter 'til 11:00.
We might as well keep working, right? - How can I help? - Why don't you play me one of your songs? I strive for precision My aim is to be accurate and clear I don't say things I don't know to be true So believe me When I tell you I love you I don't write good love songs I'm not adept with metaphors or rhymes I just want to describe The things I know And the only thing I know Is that I love you Please believe me when I tell you I love you, Princess Carolyn.
What are you so happy about? - BoJack Horseman.
- All right.
Whenever you're ready.
A mustard sandwich? We may be orphans but leave us our dignity.
Uh, BJ, that's Ethan's line.
Oh, right.
Uh Orphans, huh? What am I supposed to feed you? - All right, stop.
You're nervous.
- Oh.
- Forget the script.
- Okay.
We're gonna do that movie that you're always making me watch.
You know You have to answer for the chimpanzee, Tino.
No, Mickey, you got it all wrong! So, where'd all the bananas go? The chimp's dead, Tino.
So's the bonobo.
Who you been monkeyin' around with? I can't do it anymore! It was the marmoset! Good.
Now look at the red dot.
Go! What am I supposed to feed you? I have mustard.
A mustard sandwich? We may be orphans but leave us our dignity.
Well, I can't fix you a martini.
Hey, wait! I have olives! Nope.
Not olives.
- Perfect! - Yeah? You, you think we got it? Buckle up, buddy, your life is about to start.
Ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ah Ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka BoJack Whoa, whoa, yeah! Hey Now, boys and girls If you wanna do the BoJack Take your hands And put them on your lower back Walk in a circle and strut and strut Wiggle your hips And jiggle your uh-oh! Push away your troubles And pull up your pants And that's how you do The BoJack dance! Hey
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