Bojack Horseman (2014) s06e15 Episode Script

The View from Halfway Down

1 [birds chirping.]
[doorbell rings.]
What you got there? I think it's a hydrangea.
Does she even like that kind of plant? Probably not.
She doesn't like anything.
Hello, BoJack.
Thanks for having me, Mom.
You're the guest of honor.
Everyone, BoJack is here.
- [Herb.]
Hey, buddy! Get in here! - [Sarah Lynn giggles.]
- For you.
- Oh, a plant.
- Dirt for inside.
- [sighs.]
[theme music playing.]
You got here just in time, BoJack.
A bird flew in through the window and we're having trouble getting her out of the house.
[Sarah Lynn.]
Yeah, call yourself early and go get a worm! Golly, she's more coy than a coyote claiming a cottontail.
- Ahem.
Phone for you, Mrs.
- [grunting.]
Thank you, butler.
- Is that Zach Braff? - Who? Zach Braff.
Actor, independent filmmaker, real-life friend of Donald Faison? - You mean my butler? - At your service! I actually was friends with Donald in real life.
He's a spectacular man - Butler! - Sorry! Phone call for you.
I'll take it in the kitchen.
BoJack, make yourself useful for a change and help, will ya? With the bird? Hello? Oh, it's you.
All right.
That does it! [grunts.]
Son of a! With a drop like that, you'd think she was the ratings for Veronica's Closet when it moved to Mondays.
Comedy poison.
Who wants to laugh on a Monday? BJ! Finally made it to our little soirée, huh? Yeah, I kept having this dream where I was having dinner with all the people who were gone and I thought, "I should do that!" So, here I am.
- We've got to flank her from the left.
- [bird.]
Huh? Hello.
Crackerjack? - That's what it says on my underpants! - [giggles.]
The uncle I never met and yet could never live up to! [grunts.]
All right, soldier.
Ready, aim - [bird giggles.]
- Huh? Hey! What's up, man? Hey, Corduroy.
Good to Still weirded out because the last time you saw me I was naked, hanging from my iPhone charger, holding a lemon, with a very erect penis despite being deceased in my trailer for over an hour? Yep.
You're gonna have to get over that, buddy.
- What are you? Stop that.
- Oh! Oh, sorry.
Forgot where I was for a second.
- Think this'll help? - Kid's got the right idea.
We can chuck the choker and spook her with this poker! - Show her who's boss! - [Sarah Lynn.]
Ruffle her feathers! [Corduroy.]
Get her to the kitchen! [grunting.]
And that! - All right! - [Herb.]
Go! [Crackerjack.]
Ha-cha! - [Sarah Lynn cheers.]
- [all whooping.]
Yes, yes, BoJack bullied a bird.
Bully for him.
Speaking of useless, my husband is running late, so we're gonna start dinner without him.
He'll be here before the show starts, won't he? He'd better be.
In the meantime, let's adjourn to the dining room before our dinners get as cold as my parenting style.
[all laughing.]
[Sarah Lynn.]
I think mine would be the first time someone asked for my autograph.
- Really? - Oh, wow! I didn't even know how to write my name! I just drew a squiggle! - Water? - Thank you, Zach Braff.
You only get to give your first autograph once, you know.
The second time it becomes an obligation, the third time a chore.
But the first time [sighs.]
The first time [chuckles.]
- Hey.
What is that? - Ah, ah, ah.
- [BoJack.]
- Okay.
My turn.
Mine was also when I signed on a dotted line to enlist.
Are you ready to sing "The Lollypop Song" in the big show later? No, Mom.
You know I never make it to the show.
I didn't know then that enlisting would lead to my two worst parts.
You have two? I didn't know we could pick two.
Corduroy, it's a conversation, not an assignment.
- [Corduroy.]
In that case, I have three.
- [Herb.]
Three is way too many.
My worst parts were saying goodbye to my mother and seeing a bullet go straight through my general's face, right before it hit my own.
- [all gasp.]
- At least your death was instantaneous.
I can still hear the loud drips of my IV from when I had cancer.
- Drip.
- Ooh.
- [Corduroy.]
What about you, BoJack? - What? Best part, worst part, what about you? Well, I guess my worst part has to be, um Right before I got here, I think? Uh I went to Angela Diaz's house.
[gulps, spits.]
Ugh! Does anyone else's water taste like chlorine? Hey, Braff, can I get some different water over here? Right away, Mr.
Crackerjack, do you think your death meant something because it was in the service of a greater cause? - Aw, shucks.
- Of course it meant something.
I think questions like that are too big for a little soldier like me.
My brother gave the ultimate sacrifice.
- Because sometimes I wonder - But see, this is where I get hung up, because when we valorize the idea of sacrifice, - of loss, of suffering - BoJack, don't start with this again.
When we grow up in a house that does that, we internalize this idea that being happy is a selfish act, but sacrifice doesn't mean anything.
- [Sarah Lynn.]
Yes, it does.
- Sacrifice? In the service of something greater, maybe, but just in and of itself? - What's the good in that? - A lot.
Sacrifice is good.
It has to be because I sacrificed a ton, and I was freaking awesome.
Oh, and what did you ever sacrifice? I gave everything.
I gave my whole life.
You died in a hedonistic bender.
I'm not talking about my death.
I'm talking about my life.
I gave my whole life.
If we get into everyone's whole life, we're gonna be here all night.
It's called "Best Part/Worst Part," not "Everything That Ever Happened.
" Okay, worst part: the 2007 "Sexually Confident Virgin Tour.
" My manager leaked nudes to get more tour dates added, my mom pointed out every carb I ate, it was hell.
But it gave millions of fans a show they will never forget.
And that is worth something.
No, that's a high you chase.
- It was not.
- You think you singing songs on stage is the same thing as this guy who died liberating the camps? We don't need to compare apples to Auschwitzes.
Herb, tell 'em.
It means something the work we do, the joy we bring.
It has to, right? Boy, I sure thought so.
I-I used to really believe in it.
I mean, I was one "trapped in an airport during a snowstorm on the eve of the dance championship guest starring Gregory Hines" episode away from an Emmy.
Then I lost it all.
Ow! Seriously, is no one noticing this leak? Fine, we'll get a bucket.
- The drips are hitting me! - Then you'll hold the bucket.
But the funny thing is, it wasn't until I got fired that I actually became myself.
I was out of the closet.
I was free.
I was authentically me.
What does being authentic have to do with anything? Well, when I wasn't hiding behind some facade, I could be at peace.
That's when I really got into philanthropy.
- Can I ask you something, Herb? - Why do people say that? If you're asking it, then yes, you can and you will and you just did.
Yeah, why are we announcing our questions? - Yeah, what are these questions, royalty? - [imitates fanfare.]
Announcing King and Queen Query of the Interrogative Isle.
May I ask you how do you do? - Very well, thanks.
- Ah, bup, bup, bup! I didn't ask you yet.
I asked if I could ask you.
Did you get pleasure from your charity work? Like real, deep pleasure? It dwarfed every other joy in my life.
Doesn't count then.
If you got pleasure, it wasn't selfless.
And it's only good if it's selfless.
Who made up that rule? I helped people.
Who cares if it made me feel good, too? Feeling good is inherently selfish.
If I'd given myself to Christ, truly went down the path I don't care for this talk of religion in my house.
If I wasn't constantly trying to feel good, get it better, always looking for maximum pleasure [sighs.]
That was my worst part.
Well, one of the three worst parts.
Wait, actually, can I have four? Discovering you in your trailer definitely cracks my top five.
This is bullshit! I did a lot for a lot of people! I was not a bad person.
No one is accusing you of being a bad person, Sarah Lynn.
You are! You all are with your "being authentic" and "charity work" and "killing Nazis.
" I actually never killed a Nazi.
All my kills were friendly fire.
I also never liberated any camps.
I'm honestly not sure what I did.
Here you go.
Your husband just pulled up, ma'am.
Wait, Dad's here? He's never made it to dinner before.
- Hey, here's a question.
- Another question has arrived! Did any of you have a song of yours played in outer space? Anyone? No.
Just me? Oh.
That's what I thought.
My hit single "No, No, No (No Means Yes)" is making its way to Mars! That means something.
I will be remembered.
- That has to mean something.
I will be - [door opens.]
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss the show? - Hey! - There he is! There's our guy! - Dad! - I Oh, you didn't miss a thing.
It's not like we have anywhere to be.
Why shouldn't we all bend ourselves to your schedule? I already apologized.
I was running.
As always, running late, while I was running myself ragged trying to get dinner on the table.
- [clears throat.]
- Yes, you helped.
And now I'm running out of patience for you running your mouth.
And I'm running out the clock until we both Well.
Here we are.
I'll just squeeze in here.
- Get yourself something nice.
- Ooh! Thank you, Mr.
- What'd I miss? - We're playing Best Part/Worst Part.
Ooh! I got one! Machu Picchu.
When I left "Horsin' Around," I honestly thought about killing myself.
Shit, Herb.
Really? Yeah.
But the Knicks were having a good season and I wanted to see what happened.
Wait, you didn't kill yourself because the Knicks were having a good season? What would you have done if they were having a bad season? I don't know.
Gotten into baseball? Oh, for the love Where's your follow-through? It's like you didn't even wanna kill yourself! And I'm so glad I didn't.
Because there I was ten years later at Machu Picchu and I realized there was so much more I could do in a life.
Okay, my turn.
August 22nd, 1973, I was banned from running ever again.
And running, well, that was the only thing that ever made sense to me, - so if I couldn't do that I was nobody.
- [coughing.]
- This is your worst part? - Best part: jumping off that bridge.
- Jesus.
- What did I say about the Jesus talk? It was my choice.
I got to go on my own terms.
Not a lot of people can say that.
- No.
- That's true.
The view from up there.
- Eh, you wouldn't believe it.
- [coughs.]
- [all laughing.]
- Oh, my.
- It must've been from swimming earlier.
- Oh, you were swimming? Yeah.
I, um [clears throat.]
- When was I swimming? - Don't think about that.
- Do you have a best part? - Oh, uh, I don't know.
This past year I took a teaching job.
And I had this one student who was really struggling, just couldn't get over this hump.
And what, you helped him do good in a scene? For your class? That's the best part of your whole life? I don't know, I was just spitballing.
I didn't know you were gonna put me on the spot like this! Come on, buddy.
What was so special about that moment? It felt good to help someone do something.
See? Helping someone, like I said! But he liked it because it felt good, like I said! I liked it because it reminded me of when I was young, just starting out.
You and me, screwing around, hitting up open mics.
Trying to figure it out.
I think - I think that was the best part.
- Really? Well, are we ready to start the show? - [Corduroy.]
Let's do this! - Okay, nice seeing you all! You're not coming? This is always the part where I wake up.
You all go to the show.
Zach Braff says "Pardon my reach" even though he can clearly get my plate from another angle.
- Then I wake up.
- Oh, okay.
- Next time then.
- [dripping.]
Pardon my reach.
Hello, everyone! Please take your seats.
Tonight's show is in honor of BoJack Horseman! What do you say, huh? Should we get this show started? Yeah! Tonight's opener needs no introduction, but I'm gonna give her one anyway.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Sarah Lynn! - [audience cheers, applauds.]
- Thank you, thank you! I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance to the man of the hour, BoJack Horseman! Sarah Lynn, I'm so sorry for everything that happened with you.
With us.
I should have protected you Ah, ah, ah.
This is my time.
Of course.
- [knuckles crack.]
- [clears throat.]
Life is a never-ending show, old sport Except the minor detail that it ends The overture's a lifetime But the show is short Here with all your family and friends You run the race You blurt your lines They put your face On shirts and shrines And giant signs a thousand feet tall And don't stop dancing Don't stop dancing 'Til the curtain call Shows are a never-ending life Of course A silhouette that stays When you are gone What use is the struggle And the strife, old horse? End it and your legacy lives on The chatter stops The crowd departs A needle drops, the music starts A song you taught me when I was small Don't stop dancing Don't stop dancing - [inhales.]
- [squelches.]
[audience cheering.]
Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn! Okay, performing an interpretive aerial routine, your friend and mine, and a killer hang - [audience laughs.]
- Corduroy Jackson-Jackson! - Where did Sarah Lynn go? - Shh.
- Try to enjoy the show.
- [grunts.]
Ha! - Where does this door go? - Sit down, buddy.
You'll get your turn.
- No, I need you to tell me What? - Watch out! - [BoJack grunts.]
- [Corduroy grunts.]
- [drumroll.]
- [audience cheers.]
That's a series wrap on Corduroy Jackson-Jackson! Down in front, please? All right, let's keep this show going, huh? Next up, you know him, you love him, please a give a warm, warm, burning hot welcome to - Hey.
You wanna grab a smoke? - Zach Braff! - Yes.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
- [audience cheering.]
Oh-ho, whee! I'm honored.
Honored, honored.
So, what's on the other side of that door? The nerve of that guy.
With the beard.
Herb? Yeah.
What, he says he's at peace? 'Cause why, Machu Picchu? - I don't buy it.
- I don't know.
I I believe him.
I promise you, every single person in that room would go back if we could.
Peace? That's someone trying to convince himself of something.
- Of what? - That life has meaning or purpose, that that if you check the right boxes and do the dance, then you get a little parting gift at the end, a framed certificate that says, "Congratulations, you've got peace.
" [chuckles.]
- I wouldn't mind that.
- But guess what? All the time those people spent, trying to do good or help people or be something? I did none of that shit, and yet here I am, same as them.
You were the fastest runner in the world.
You inspired millions.
And yet, here I am, same as you.
So, if you could go back, do it again, what would you do different? [sighs.]
What would I do? I wouldn't have cared so much.
Cared about what? Racing? About everything.
I know this part is confusing because I'm Secretariat and also your dad for some reason, but speaking as your dad, it's important that you know that I cared.
You never cared.
You cared about your book.
You cared about getting drunk and telling everyone how miserable you were, but that's not caring.
You think I didn't care because I put up walls, but I cared so much, BoJack.
About you, about your mother.
I wanted you to respect me.
I wanted you to love me.
I was so afraid that you would know that.
I cared so much.
It's a shame that we could never talk like this in real life.
All the good it would have done.
Least we got the chance this time, before I wake up.
Wake up? Oh, you're not getting it, are you? Getting what? Loss is a collaborative art, between the people who leave us and those who remain.
We dance with the shadows of their absence.
- With that in mind, I present to you - [grunts.]
Stop the show! - Excuse me.
- What's happening? You're being very rude.
I was about to do my roller-dance routine.
- Calm down, son.
- Yes, why don't you sit down, and - No! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
Please! I'm not ready.
I never got to direct my Backdraft remake: "Zach Braff's Backdraft"! I never finished my memoir: "I Started A Zach Which Started The Whole World Braffing!" I never got to license the Zach Braff Short Stack Breakfast Attack at Shake Shack! Cash-strapped hash brown fans who hashtag "Zach's snacks" get cash back fast with the Braff Bucks app! I need to wake up.
I can't be here.
Of course.
Everything's always about you.
- BJ, buddy - Herb! How did I get here? How the hell should I know? I broke into my house.
But it wasn't my house anymore.
I was I was watching the "Horsin' Around" Blu-ray.
Yeah, and I drank some more and I found some pills.
And then I went swimming No! No! No! No, wait, wait, wait! I got out of the pool.
Yes! And I called Diane! BoJack, we're trying to do a show here.
But I called Diane.
I couldn't have drowned if I got out of the pool to call Diane! So, I shouldn't be here.
If I could just finish the conversation.
Where's a phone?! [pants.]
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have a real treat for you next.
A real treat.
Come and see him before he makes a run for it.
- No! Stop! - It's Secretariat! Stay calm.
Flyin' off the handle won't change a thing.
This was gonna happen to you one of these days.
A poem.
Original, obviously.
It's called "The View from Halfway Down.
" [clears throat.]
"The weak breeze whispers nothing The water screams sublime His feet shift teeter-totter Deep breath, stand back, it's time Toes untouch the overpass Soon he's water bound Eyes locked shut but peek to see The view from halfway down" [audience applauds, cheers.]
I'm not done.
Hold on.
I'm not done.
I'm not done.
[clears throat.]
"A little wind, a summer sun A river rich and regal A flood of fond endorphins Brings a calm that knows no equal You're flying now You see things much more clear Than from the ground It's all okay, it would be Were you not now halfway down Thrash to break from gravity What now could slow the drop? All I'd give for toes to touch The safety back at top" I change my mind.
I change my mind.
I don't wanna It's okay.
"But this is it, the deed is done Silence drowns the sound Before I leaped I should have seen The view from halfway down No! I really should have thought About the view from halfway down" Find your peace, big guy.
Find it.
"I wish I could have known About the view from halfway down" [BoJack gasps.]
I need to get out of here! - Wha - BJ, where do you think you're going? Nothing you do in here matters, pal.
Yelling and struggling isn't gonna pull your body out of that pool, - so you might as well just - Sit down! [echoes.]
But I Look, BJ, it's possible that someone is going to find you and save you, and it's also possible that someone won't.
We don't get to know.
Can I ask you a question? [imitates fanfare.]
Has anyone ever come back from this place? - [sighs.]
- [mic feedback.]
BJ, there is no place.
It's just your brain going through what it feels like it has to go through.
All you can do right now is sit back and enjoy the show.
Folks, here is Beatrice Horseman with her younger older brother, Crackerjack! - [audience applauds.]
- [organ plays.]
[trumpet playing.]
[Beatrice hums.]
Hoo! [BoJack exhales.]
This is the hard part.
And now the easy part.
Over and out! [grunts.]
[audience cheering.]
Beatrice Horseman, huh? You know, she was gonna sing for us tonight, but apparently, she was a little "horse.
" [chuckles.]
You ready for the headliner? - [audience cheering.]
- No.
- Please welcome to the stage - [drumroll.]
The star of "Horsin' Around" and "The BoJack Horseman Show"! "Philbert"! "Secretariat"! The upcoming "Horny Unicorn"! Son of Butterscotch and Beatrice! Husband to no one! Father to none, that we know of! [chuckles.]
Stand-up comedian, actor, crippling alcoholic! A talented charmer and a stupid piece of shit.
It's BoJack Horseman! Is it terrifying? No.
I don't think so.
It's the way it is, you know? Everything must come to an end, the drip finally stops.
See you on the other side.
Oh, BoJack, no, there is no other side.
This is it.
- [audience applauds, cheers.]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- [mic feedback.]
- I I need to make a phone call.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Hello? Someone? Anyone? [pants, yells.]
I'm looking for a phone.
Diane! Diane! Are you there? Diane! I need you! - [Diane.]
BoJack? - Diane! Thank God! Thank God, Diane.
Okay, Diane.
Diane, you're gonna save me, right? I called you and you're coming to get me? BoJack, why did you call me? I live in Chicago.
I can't save you.
- You didn't pick up.
- Right.
- It went to voicemail.
- Yeah.
And then I went back in the pool.
- It's too late.
What's done is done.
- No.
There's nothing I can do, BoJack.
I'm not real.
None of this is.
- So, what do I do now? - BoJack, it doesn't matter.
Well, if it doesn't matter, can I stay on the phone with you at least? Okay.
How was your day? - Good.
- Yeah? Yeah.
My day was good.
[heart monitor blares.]
[heart monitor beeping.]

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