Bordertown (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
High School Football
1 (Bird screeches) el coyote! Your ass is mine! You bastard! Get back here! Where is he?! Where did that bastard go?! Hola, señor! What the Garth Brooks are you doing down there upside-downy?! I'm not upside-downy.
You are.
Look.
Fart socks! - (Wind whistling) - (Mumbling gibberish) You're more valuable to me alive.
Viva coyote.
I'm gonna catch that guy.
Then I'll be the one kissing him triumphantly! ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Radio announcer: Good morning, Mexifornia.
We're coming at you with Scalper Football Radio.
Just four more days till Friday night, the night our Mexifornia Scalpers bring the tomahawk down on the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes.
Who wants to talk high school football? You're on the air.
Man: This coach Clark is a bum.
Who's he think he is? I saw him rebuilding his house after we burned it down.
He should be coaching them kids! Announcer: Well, he probably doesn't like becoming homeless every week, but it's letting him know how important football is to us here in Mexifornia.
All right, next caller.
Woman: There's someone in my house.
Please send help! Announcer: I'm sorry.
This is a football show.
Women know nothing about sports.
Good evening, Mexifornia.
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
In high school football news, following Friday's loss, coach Clark was placed in the brazen bull for penance.
Oh, god! It's hot! Aah! I only took this job so I could teach driver's ed! (Screaming) (Cow bellowing) Ugh, poor coach Clark! This town is way too obsessed with high school football! How dare you say that.
Football is everything! Without football, how would kids grow up to become failed Realtors? You've got a hot temper, and football always brings out the worst of it.
Face it, Becky, we're a football family.
In high school, your father scored the game-winning touchdown in the state championship.
Boy, I can still hear those cheers.
Man: No! You're going the wrong way! Announcer: Touchdown! Mexifornia loses! Man 2: Somebody invent Youtube! Hey, Daddy, you Ain't the only one who can reminisce.
Man: No, little girl! That cake is for the whole Wedding! Man 2: Someone stop her! Woman: No! It's my Wedding day.
I want to see if she can eat the whole thing! Ernesto, what the hell kind of crazy holiday are you decorating for now? No holiday.
It's fútbol! I'm showing my colors for the Chivas De Guadalajara fútbol team! They only need 260 more wins to advance to the regional semifinals.
That's soccer.
Don't call that football.
Football is a man's game! (Chuckles) How's a 16-year-old gonna get Alzheimer's playing soccer? - Hey, hey, coach! - Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, boy, am I looking forward to the game.
We gonna win this week? Well, you-you win some, you lose some.
I wouldn't get too wrapped up in it.
That bear won't leave the town kindergarten.
Maybe folks use their pitchforks and torches on that.
You better win this Friday, or I'll do to you what I did to my wife, Patty.
- Yeah! - That's enough, Patty.
(Pigs snorting) Man: Help! I'm in a canyon, and my arm's stuck! Anyone? Hey, Buckwald, thought of you watching The Scalpers this year, so I got you this.
It's a morphine drip, 'cause watching your team is so painful.
Then I realized there are 12 games, so I bought you 11 more.
Then I realized you probably won't be going to the away games, so I kept six.
Anyway, boo-yah! You can't trash-talk Mexifornia.
We live in the same town! Bite your tongue! North Mexifornia is three blocks north and eight inches higher in elevation.
They're nothing alike! Well, if north Mexifornia is so great, how come it hasn't been chosen as the U.
S.
's official atomic test site for the last ten years running? Yeah! North Mexifornia High is undefeated, and they're gonna kick Mexifornia's ass this year.
Just like we've done every single year since our school was founded two years ago.
So, boo-yah! (Men speaking Spanish) Geez, it's just a game, you lunatics.
Don't talk about our portero, you bitch! I'll give your face a red card! Hola, Bud! (Belching) (Sighs) I I don't know how much longer I can take coaching this football team.
It's just not worth the $4,000 a year they pay me.
They made our football out of the last coach's skin.
He's a liar! I'm his ex-girlfriend! He's a psychopath! Oh, come on.
You've got the greatest job in the world! You're part of the glory years for these kids.
My memories of playing football, then getting drunk with the guys and lighting enormous gasoline fires in the desert That's what keeps me going.
(Man screaming) That flame is your life, fellas.
- Keep it lit.
- (Sighs) I guess you're right.
Mom, you forgot to give me my lunch money again.
- Aw! - Aw! Announcer: Welcome to Friday night football.
Tonight, The Scalpers face off against the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes as I face off against heroin withdrawal.
Is anyone else freezing and sweating? All right, Friday night football! (Hooting) Go, scalpers! George, how can you participate in this wildly offensive and inaccurate caricature of your noble people? They paid me ten bucks to pose for the mascot.
(Marching band plays upbeat tune) Oh, he has clothes on.
It's weird they made me pose naked.
Welcome, everyone! Now let's kick off the festivities with the traditional shooting of a scientist.
Evolution is real! The Earth is four billion years old! - You son of a bitch! - (Audience members groaning) Climate change is man-made! Barbecuing releases carcinogens! (Crowd cheering) (Tires squealing) All right, men, let's win this! (Cheering) (Grunts) Announcer: The Scalpers fumble and turn over the ball for another heat strokes touchdown, as time runs out on this game and my marriage.
Congratulations, Tiffany, on half a Volkswagen.
(Horn blares) Damn it! I don't get it! We put a ton of pressure on these teenagers! Coach Clark sucks! Let's get him! (Crowd shouting) Look, there's a soldier returning home, and his dog is seeing him for the first time! (Crowd shouting angrily) Let's get him, guys! Wait a minute.
Where's slick Ronnie? Banging your wives.
It's just a game! You people need to get lives! So we lost.
So what?! - (Crowd gasping) - You're right.
Well, now I feel stupid! This is for making me feel stupid! Aah! You didn't air out the ball enough! You didn't run the ball enough! You didn't do any of the tricks they do in the movies! Where was the girl dressed as a boy with something to prove? Where was the wide receiver dog? Or the special kid who thinks he's a radio? I could have coached a thousand times better with my eyes closed! You think you can do better, Bud? Then go ahead! You're the coach now! (Rhythmic tapping) If you don't win, you're dead.
(Doorbell rings) Ugh, who's that? Janice, don't open the door! (Door opens) Man: Hi.
I'm Brad from widow-daters.
Com.
Janice: Shh, shh, shh.
Not yet.
Come back Saturday.
Hola, Bud! I heard the great news! Shh! It's not good news.
It's terrible news! Being a coach Ain't some dumb border security job.
This is life and death! You wouldn't understand.
You watch soccer, a civilized sport.
(Announcer speaking Spanish) Hey, that's not a regulation-size head! Radio announcer: Could Bud Buckwald be the savior of the Mexifornia Scalpers? Is what no one is saying this morning.
Commercial announcer: Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! See coach Buckwald's head get smashed with a m-m-m-m-monster truck! Burning down Bud's house.
Man: Help! I guess I should just cut it off.
Unless someone can hear me.
Our top story recently kidnapped drug lord Juan Diablo surfaced and released this unusual video about his longtime rival, Pablo barracuda.
I am handing over my entire drug empire to my good friend, Pablo barracuda.
He is way better at drugs than me.
Remember to edit me out before you send this to the news.
Nah, actually, leave it in.
The news will know that if they play this part, I'll kill them.
This is fake?! Hey, Bud, pretty cool being the coach, eh? Reminds me of the time I coached a high school football team made up of the cast of cheers.
That doesn't sound interesting.
Shut up! (Sighs) I'm a dead man.
We got no running game.
We've got some border crossers! (Grunting) You guys go ahead.
I'll take it from here.
You may have the boy, but first, you must answers these riddles three.
Yeah, uh, no.
No one's interested in your riddles, Roy.
Is jail? No, this home is only a prison for me.
You are gonna play football.
(Door creaking) (Clears throat) I'd like you all to meet my new buddy, an exchange student named, uh Oh, let's see.
We got to give you a good American name.
Ooh, I got it! Duke! Duke Americanman! ¿Esta es Una casa? Aquà vive una bola de cochinos.
Why would you, of all racists, bring a Mexican into your home? Plenty of racists bring minorities into their homes.
That's what the whole civil war was about.
Duke, this will be your bedroom.
Oh, get out, you bum! I got a real son now.
Cool.
My own place.
(Snoring) Okay.
Let's teach you how to play football.
- Ah, fútbol! - No, no, no, no, no! That's not football! Now, this is a football.
¿Qué? No entiendo inglés.
Oh, crap.
You can't understand a thing I'm saying.
I got to find someone who speaks Spanish.
Para lavar mi troca para lavar mi troca Se necesita un poco de agua asÃ, asÃ, a mover la colita Hola, Bud! Uh, hey, Ernesto.
How would you like to be my assistant football coach? Okay! Well, Daisy Dukes, you got me another job! Ernesto's coaching football - do, do, do, do, do - please don't sing.
- Ernesto's coaching football - stop it.
With Bud his neighbor - and also La Migra - that's enough.
- La Migra, La Migra - no.
- Con Ernesto, con Ernesto - please, no.
- That's enough.
- con Ernesto.
Hey, mom! Dad's gay.
Janice: I know, dear.
(Whistle blows) Coach Clark, are you going to be reffing the games now? No, i'm on break from my job at lady foot locker.
i'm just here to see Bud fail.
Got these for 30% off.
They're women's, but I have dainty feet.
So, uh, life's good.
Players, this is your new teammate, Duke Americanman.
Ernesto, tell him to take the ball and run towards the end zone.
But do it in that fruit-hat language you speak.
Correlé pa'llá.
Wow, I just figured out the secret to great running backs! Not being white! (Players cheering) (Crowd cheering) (Grunting) (Cheering) (Cheering) (Cheering) Duke, buddy, this is beef corral, the finest in Mexifornia dining.
This place is great.
If you eat your body Weight, you get your picture on the wall! Why don't you go hit the buffet.
Dad, it's clear you've smuggled in an undocumented immigrant and are exploiting him to help you win football games! Hey, he's got a way better life here than he ever did in Mexico.
If anyone's hungry for lasagna, Jamie Kennedy just brought out a fresh tray.
And for your information, i'm helping Duke get his papers.
Oh, so he's the only immigrant you'll help? He's getting preferential treatment just because he's an athlete! This is exploitation, it's injustice, and I won't stand for it! I am so angry right now! Somebody needs a nap.
I don't need a nap! Put me down! Becky: I was right! He's already sleeping.
i'd like to report a massive scandal.
Duke Americanman is an undocumented immigrant being held in this town and exploited just to win football games! My god! Let's get on this! (Grunting) Go, scalpers football! Let's see the Internet throw someone off a bridge.
(Blows whistle) Great job out there today! Remember, clear eyes, full hearts Players: Can't lose! (Players cheering) If there's grass on the field, play ball.
Boy, Bud, we're gonna destroy north Mexifornia with Duke on our team.
We'll be heroes.
Well, this "we" stuff is a bit of a stretch.
You know, this was my thing.
I found Duke.
I only brought you on to teach him how to play football.
And now that that's done, I think I can handle the coaching from here on out.
Okay, Bud, I understand.
Will you give me a proper send-off? Of course we will.
- Hike! - Aah! Ernesto: Kick like this on Friday, Greg! Hey, Steve.
Ooh, I can't wait till Friday night.
i'm bringing my jelly, 'cause your team's gonna be toast! What's that on your desk? nothing, boner! Look, Bud, you may have gotten lucky and won a few games, but that'll all change tomorrow when you face off against my North Mexifornia High.
Fightin' Washington Redskins.
We'll see you on the field! Wow, Bud, it's amazing how you've been able to turn that team around, and all with the barracuda cartel's top drug mule.
Drug mule? Yeah.
I recognized the tattoo on Duke's arm.
Usually, when people cross barracuda, he cuts them up and makes a puzzle out of them.
i'll take this over a violent video game any day.
What are we doing about this? Simple, we go to Mexifornia, get the kid and kill this gringo Buckwald.
Good idea.
Where's my be-headsman? (Breathy laughter) Hi, boss! I need you to behead someone.
Okay! What did I say about not beheading until I tell you who to behead?! Sorry.
There! Now he's just sleeping! Bud: How was I supposed to know.
Duke was barracuda's drug mule?! If I don't give Duke back, he's gonna kill me! But if I do give him back, we'll lose the game and the town will kill me! My friend's daddy died, and now firefighters give her toys! Well, if you can just make it until tomorrow night, we'll win the game and then you can deport Duke.
And, Sanford, you can have your room back.
I don't want it! (Kids shouting, glass shatters, car alarm whoops) All right, we just gotta hide here till game time - and everything will be fine.
- (Door opens) J.
C.
: It looks like your parents aren't home.
Becky: Hey, you know, there's one piece of furniture we haven't done it on yet.
Wait, put on my Dad's coat first.
J.
C.
(Imitating Bud): Ooh, look at me! i'm a fat, dumb border Agent.
(Mutters quietly) Becky: Oh, no! You've discovered my secret tunnel! Let's get to the stadium.
Even if we win, i'm gonna ask the town to burn down my house.
Steve! You know, I got an anonymous tip about this star player of yours.
Then I found security camera footage of you smuggling him from the station.
This kid's going back where he came from.
You're a disgrace to the badge.
Hey, j-train.
Hey, Steve.
You smell Nice.
(Crying): Oh, he took the kid, and now i'm gonna die.
I know what'll make you feel better.
i'll go get your old yearbook, and you can point out who's died.
We're screwed! There's no way we're gonna win now.
Hola, Bud.
I saw what happened.
So you're here to rub my face in it, 'cause I fired you? Well, don't worry, i'm the one who's gonna get killed.
And I deserve it.
I used you, just like I used Duke.
i'm a terrible coach.
Bud, no, you're not.
You made this team believe they could win.
And that's more important than any star running back.
As someone who came to this country with nothing, I can tell you, believing in yourself is everything.
'Cause we believe in ourselves! And that's more important than any star running back! Then he said something about sneaking over the border and ruining our country.
He's right! We can do this! Also, one of your fathers died, but I won't tell you whose until after the game.
Yes! (Cheering, whooping) All right, come on, let's do this! Yeah! Let's kill 'em! (All gasp) Duke is playing for the other team.
What the hell? Steve tricked me! Why didn't this trick detector he sold me go off? (Blows whistle) (Spectators cheering) - Stop him! - Announcer: Touchdown, North Mexifornia High fightin' Washington Redskins! Touchdown, north Mexifornia! And now a word from my sponsor.
Man (Over p.
A.
): Stop doing heroin! You're a junkie! Death to coach Buckwald! (Crowd shouting) Oh, god, they're gonna kill me! Janice, spare yourself and just throw out my computer! What the hell is that?! All right, let's grab my drug mule.
Crap, I think I forgot to turn off the oven.
Go back to my place, turn off the oven, then go get my drug mule.
Ah, that's stupid.
We're already here.
Let's do this first.
Ow! My ice-skating career! (Players grunting, screaming) You forgot to hit the autistic water boy! Don't treat him no different! - (Players sobbing) - Clock's ticking, north Mexifornia! Get back on the field! I gotta be a clown at a party later! (Blows whistle) That's game! North Mexifornia forfeits! Scalpers win! (Cheering) We did it! We won! (Laughing) Team, carry me off! Players (Chanting): Ernesto! Ernesto! Ernesto! Ernesto? He did even less than I did! Man: Three cheers for Ernesto! Man, this is the craziest preseason ever.
- Hey, great Work, coach Buckwald.
- Thanks.
But that's the last time anyone's gonna call me that.
That belongs to you.
Besides, I never figured out how it Works.
You know, I didn't know how hard a job you had till I tried it.
You're a great coach, and i'm sorry I ever said otherwise.
Thanks, Bud.
Are you the coach of Mexifornia High? I am.
i'm from the athletic association.
Because you used an ineligible player, your team is banned for the next ten years.
Coach Clark ruined our football team! Let's get him! (Mob shouting) They always call him Mr.
Touchdown they always call him Mr.
T he can run and kick and throw
You are.
Look.
Fart socks! - (Wind whistling) - (Mumbling gibberish) You're more valuable to me alive.
Viva coyote.
I'm gonna catch that guy.
Then I'll be the one kissing him triumphantly! ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Radio announcer: Good morning, Mexifornia.
We're coming at you with Scalper Football Radio.
Just four more days till Friday night, the night our Mexifornia Scalpers bring the tomahawk down on the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes.
Who wants to talk high school football? You're on the air.
Man: This coach Clark is a bum.
Who's he think he is? I saw him rebuilding his house after we burned it down.
He should be coaching them kids! Announcer: Well, he probably doesn't like becoming homeless every week, but it's letting him know how important football is to us here in Mexifornia.
All right, next caller.
Woman: There's someone in my house.
Please send help! Announcer: I'm sorry.
This is a football show.
Women know nothing about sports.
Good evening, Mexifornia.
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
In high school football news, following Friday's loss, coach Clark was placed in the brazen bull for penance.
Oh, god! It's hot! Aah! I only took this job so I could teach driver's ed! (Screaming) (Cow bellowing) Ugh, poor coach Clark! This town is way too obsessed with high school football! How dare you say that.
Football is everything! Without football, how would kids grow up to become failed Realtors? You've got a hot temper, and football always brings out the worst of it.
Face it, Becky, we're a football family.
In high school, your father scored the game-winning touchdown in the state championship.
Boy, I can still hear those cheers.
Man: No! You're going the wrong way! Announcer: Touchdown! Mexifornia loses! Man 2: Somebody invent Youtube! Hey, Daddy, you Ain't the only one who can reminisce.
Man: No, little girl! That cake is for the whole Wedding! Man 2: Someone stop her! Woman: No! It's my Wedding day.
I want to see if she can eat the whole thing! Ernesto, what the hell kind of crazy holiday are you decorating for now? No holiday.
It's fútbol! I'm showing my colors for the Chivas De Guadalajara fútbol team! They only need 260 more wins to advance to the regional semifinals.
That's soccer.
Don't call that football.
Football is a man's game! (Chuckles) How's a 16-year-old gonna get Alzheimer's playing soccer? - Hey, hey, coach! - Oh, hey, Bud.
Oh, boy, am I looking forward to the game.
We gonna win this week? Well, you-you win some, you lose some.
I wouldn't get too wrapped up in it.
That bear won't leave the town kindergarten.
Maybe folks use their pitchforks and torches on that.
You better win this Friday, or I'll do to you what I did to my wife, Patty.
- Yeah! - That's enough, Patty.
(Pigs snorting) Man: Help! I'm in a canyon, and my arm's stuck! Anyone? Hey, Buckwald, thought of you watching The Scalpers this year, so I got you this.
It's a morphine drip, 'cause watching your team is so painful.
Then I realized there are 12 games, so I bought you 11 more.
Then I realized you probably won't be going to the away games, so I kept six.
Anyway, boo-yah! You can't trash-talk Mexifornia.
We live in the same town! Bite your tongue! North Mexifornia is three blocks north and eight inches higher in elevation.
They're nothing alike! Well, if north Mexifornia is so great, how come it hasn't been chosen as the U.
S.
's official atomic test site for the last ten years running? Yeah! North Mexifornia High is undefeated, and they're gonna kick Mexifornia's ass this year.
Just like we've done every single year since our school was founded two years ago.
So, boo-yah! (Men speaking Spanish) Geez, it's just a game, you lunatics.
Don't talk about our portero, you bitch! I'll give your face a red card! Hola, Bud! (Belching) (Sighs) I I don't know how much longer I can take coaching this football team.
It's just not worth the $4,000 a year they pay me.
They made our football out of the last coach's skin.
He's a liar! I'm his ex-girlfriend! He's a psychopath! Oh, come on.
You've got the greatest job in the world! You're part of the glory years for these kids.
My memories of playing football, then getting drunk with the guys and lighting enormous gasoline fires in the desert That's what keeps me going.
(Man screaming) That flame is your life, fellas.
- Keep it lit.
- (Sighs) I guess you're right.
Mom, you forgot to give me my lunch money again.
- Aw! - Aw! Announcer: Welcome to Friday night football.
Tonight, The Scalpers face off against the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes as I face off against heroin withdrawal.
Is anyone else freezing and sweating? All right, Friday night football! (Hooting) Go, scalpers! George, how can you participate in this wildly offensive and inaccurate caricature of your noble people? They paid me ten bucks to pose for the mascot.
(Marching band plays upbeat tune) Oh, he has clothes on.
It's weird they made me pose naked.
Welcome, everyone! Now let's kick off the festivities with the traditional shooting of a scientist.
Evolution is real! The Earth is four billion years old! - You son of a bitch! - (Audience members groaning) Climate change is man-made! Barbecuing releases carcinogens! (Crowd cheering) (Tires squealing) All right, men, let's win this! (Cheering) (Grunts) Announcer: The Scalpers fumble and turn over the ball for another heat strokes touchdown, as time runs out on this game and my marriage.
Congratulations, Tiffany, on half a Volkswagen.
(Horn blares) Damn it! I don't get it! We put a ton of pressure on these teenagers! Coach Clark sucks! Let's get him! (Crowd shouting) Look, there's a soldier returning home, and his dog is seeing him for the first time! (Crowd shouting angrily) Let's get him, guys! Wait a minute.
Where's slick Ronnie? Banging your wives.
It's just a game! You people need to get lives! So we lost.
So what?! - (Crowd gasping) - You're right.
Well, now I feel stupid! This is for making me feel stupid! Aah! You didn't air out the ball enough! You didn't run the ball enough! You didn't do any of the tricks they do in the movies! Where was the girl dressed as a boy with something to prove? Where was the wide receiver dog? Or the special kid who thinks he's a radio? I could have coached a thousand times better with my eyes closed! You think you can do better, Bud? Then go ahead! You're the coach now! (Rhythmic tapping) If you don't win, you're dead.
(Doorbell rings) Ugh, who's that? Janice, don't open the door! (Door opens) Man: Hi.
I'm Brad from widow-daters.
Com.
Janice: Shh, shh, shh.
Not yet.
Come back Saturday.
Hola, Bud! I heard the great news! Shh! It's not good news.
It's terrible news! Being a coach Ain't some dumb border security job.
This is life and death! You wouldn't understand.
You watch soccer, a civilized sport.
(Announcer speaking Spanish) Hey, that's not a regulation-size head! Radio announcer: Could Bud Buckwald be the savior of the Mexifornia Scalpers? Is what no one is saying this morning.
Commercial announcer: Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! See coach Buckwald's head get smashed with a m-m-m-m-monster truck! Burning down Bud's house.
Man: Help! I guess I should just cut it off.
Unless someone can hear me.
Our top story recently kidnapped drug lord Juan Diablo surfaced and released this unusual video about his longtime rival, Pablo barracuda.
I am handing over my entire drug empire to my good friend, Pablo barracuda.
He is way better at drugs than me.
Remember to edit me out before you send this to the news.
Nah, actually, leave it in.
The news will know that if they play this part, I'll kill them.
This is fake?! Hey, Bud, pretty cool being the coach, eh? Reminds me of the time I coached a high school football team made up of the cast of cheers.
That doesn't sound interesting.
Shut up! (Sighs) I'm a dead man.
We got no running game.
We've got some border crossers! (Grunting) You guys go ahead.
I'll take it from here.
You may have the boy, but first, you must answers these riddles three.
Yeah, uh, no.
No one's interested in your riddles, Roy.
Is jail? No, this home is only a prison for me.
You are gonna play football.
(Door creaking) (Clears throat) I'd like you all to meet my new buddy, an exchange student named, uh Oh, let's see.
We got to give you a good American name.
Ooh, I got it! Duke! Duke Americanman! ¿Esta es Una casa? Aquà vive una bola de cochinos.
Why would you, of all racists, bring a Mexican into your home? Plenty of racists bring minorities into their homes.
That's what the whole civil war was about.
Duke, this will be your bedroom.
Oh, get out, you bum! I got a real son now.
Cool.
My own place.
(Snoring) Okay.
Let's teach you how to play football.
- Ah, fútbol! - No, no, no, no, no! That's not football! Now, this is a football.
¿Qué? No entiendo inglés.
Oh, crap.
You can't understand a thing I'm saying.
I got to find someone who speaks Spanish.
Para lavar mi troca para lavar mi troca Se necesita un poco de agua asÃ, asÃ, a mover la colita Hola, Bud! Uh, hey, Ernesto.
How would you like to be my assistant football coach? Okay! Well, Daisy Dukes, you got me another job! Ernesto's coaching football - do, do, do, do, do - please don't sing.
- Ernesto's coaching football - stop it.
With Bud his neighbor - and also La Migra - that's enough.
- La Migra, La Migra - no.
- Con Ernesto, con Ernesto - please, no.
- That's enough.
- con Ernesto.
Hey, mom! Dad's gay.
Janice: I know, dear.
(Whistle blows) Coach Clark, are you going to be reffing the games now? No, i'm on break from my job at lady foot locker.
i'm just here to see Bud fail.
Got these for 30% off.
They're women's, but I have dainty feet.
So, uh, life's good.
Players, this is your new teammate, Duke Americanman.
Ernesto, tell him to take the ball and run towards the end zone.
But do it in that fruit-hat language you speak.
Correlé pa'llá.
Wow, I just figured out the secret to great running backs! Not being white! (Players cheering) (Crowd cheering) (Grunting) (Cheering) (Cheering) (Cheering) Duke, buddy, this is beef corral, the finest in Mexifornia dining.
This place is great.
If you eat your body Weight, you get your picture on the wall! Why don't you go hit the buffet.
Dad, it's clear you've smuggled in an undocumented immigrant and are exploiting him to help you win football games! Hey, he's got a way better life here than he ever did in Mexico.
If anyone's hungry for lasagna, Jamie Kennedy just brought out a fresh tray.
And for your information, i'm helping Duke get his papers.
Oh, so he's the only immigrant you'll help? He's getting preferential treatment just because he's an athlete! This is exploitation, it's injustice, and I won't stand for it! I am so angry right now! Somebody needs a nap.
I don't need a nap! Put me down! Becky: I was right! He's already sleeping.
i'd like to report a massive scandal.
Duke Americanman is an undocumented immigrant being held in this town and exploited just to win football games! My god! Let's get on this! (Grunting) Go, scalpers football! Let's see the Internet throw someone off a bridge.
(Blows whistle) Great job out there today! Remember, clear eyes, full hearts Players: Can't lose! (Players cheering) If there's grass on the field, play ball.
Boy, Bud, we're gonna destroy north Mexifornia with Duke on our team.
We'll be heroes.
Well, this "we" stuff is a bit of a stretch.
You know, this was my thing.
I found Duke.
I only brought you on to teach him how to play football.
And now that that's done, I think I can handle the coaching from here on out.
Okay, Bud, I understand.
Will you give me a proper send-off? Of course we will.
- Hike! - Aah! Ernesto: Kick like this on Friday, Greg! Hey, Steve.
Ooh, I can't wait till Friday night.
i'm bringing my jelly, 'cause your team's gonna be toast! What's that on your desk? nothing, boner! Look, Bud, you may have gotten lucky and won a few games, but that'll all change tomorrow when you face off against my North Mexifornia High.
Fightin' Washington Redskins.
We'll see you on the field! Wow, Bud, it's amazing how you've been able to turn that team around, and all with the barracuda cartel's top drug mule.
Drug mule? Yeah.
I recognized the tattoo on Duke's arm.
Usually, when people cross barracuda, he cuts them up and makes a puzzle out of them.
i'll take this over a violent video game any day.
What are we doing about this? Simple, we go to Mexifornia, get the kid and kill this gringo Buckwald.
Good idea.
Where's my be-headsman? (Breathy laughter) Hi, boss! I need you to behead someone.
Okay! What did I say about not beheading until I tell you who to behead?! Sorry.
There! Now he's just sleeping! Bud: How was I supposed to know.
Duke was barracuda's drug mule?! If I don't give Duke back, he's gonna kill me! But if I do give him back, we'll lose the game and the town will kill me! My friend's daddy died, and now firefighters give her toys! Well, if you can just make it until tomorrow night, we'll win the game and then you can deport Duke.
And, Sanford, you can have your room back.
I don't want it! (Kids shouting, glass shatters, car alarm whoops) All right, we just gotta hide here till game time - and everything will be fine.
- (Door opens) J.
C.
: It looks like your parents aren't home.
Becky: Hey, you know, there's one piece of furniture we haven't done it on yet.
Wait, put on my Dad's coat first.
J.
C.
(Imitating Bud): Ooh, look at me! i'm a fat, dumb border Agent.
(Mutters quietly) Becky: Oh, no! You've discovered my secret tunnel! Let's get to the stadium.
Even if we win, i'm gonna ask the town to burn down my house.
Steve! You know, I got an anonymous tip about this star player of yours.
Then I found security camera footage of you smuggling him from the station.
This kid's going back where he came from.
You're a disgrace to the badge.
Hey, j-train.
Hey, Steve.
You smell Nice.
(Crying): Oh, he took the kid, and now i'm gonna die.
I know what'll make you feel better.
i'll go get your old yearbook, and you can point out who's died.
We're screwed! There's no way we're gonna win now.
Hola, Bud.
I saw what happened.
So you're here to rub my face in it, 'cause I fired you? Well, don't worry, i'm the one who's gonna get killed.
And I deserve it.
I used you, just like I used Duke.
i'm a terrible coach.
Bud, no, you're not.
You made this team believe they could win.
And that's more important than any star running back.
As someone who came to this country with nothing, I can tell you, believing in yourself is everything.
'Cause we believe in ourselves! And that's more important than any star running back! Then he said something about sneaking over the border and ruining our country.
He's right! We can do this! Also, one of your fathers died, but I won't tell you whose until after the game.
Yes! (Cheering, whooping) All right, come on, let's do this! Yeah! Let's kill 'em! (All gasp) Duke is playing for the other team.
What the hell? Steve tricked me! Why didn't this trick detector he sold me go off? (Blows whistle) (Spectators cheering) - Stop him! - Announcer: Touchdown, North Mexifornia High fightin' Washington Redskins! Touchdown, north Mexifornia! And now a word from my sponsor.
Man (Over p.
A.
): Stop doing heroin! You're a junkie! Death to coach Buckwald! (Crowd shouting) Oh, god, they're gonna kill me! Janice, spare yourself and just throw out my computer! What the hell is that?! All right, let's grab my drug mule.
Crap, I think I forgot to turn off the oven.
Go back to my place, turn off the oven, then go get my drug mule.
Ah, that's stupid.
We're already here.
Let's do this first.
Ow! My ice-skating career! (Players grunting, screaming) You forgot to hit the autistic water boy! Don't treat him no different! - (Players sobbing) - Clock's ticking, north Mexifornia! Get back on the field! I gotta be a clown at a party later! (Blows whistle) That's game! North Mexifornia forfeits! Scalpers win! (Cheering) We did it! We won! (Laughing) Team, carry me off! Players (Chanting): Ernesto! Ernesto! Ernesto! Ernesto? He did even less than I did! Man: Three cheers for Ernesto! Man, this is the craziest preseason ever.
- Hey, great Work, coach Buckwald.
- Thanks.
But that's the last time anyone's gonna call me that.
That belongs to you.
Besides, I never figured out how it Works.
You know, I didn't know how hard a job you had till I tried it.
You're a great coach, and i'm sorry I ever said otherwise.
Thanks, Bud.
Are you the coach of Mexifornia High? I am.
i'm from the athletic association.
Because you used an ineligible player, your team is banned for the next ten years.
Coach Clark ruined our football team! Let's get him! (Mob shouting) They always call him Mr.
Touchdown they always call him Mr.
T he can run and kick and throw