Bordertown (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
Groundhog Day
1 (Giggling) Freeze! end of the line, coyote! But, señor, why me? You should be focused on the drug smugglers.
Me? No! It's the terrorists who are the real danger.
Oh, no, we just make one big kaboom, then leave.
Mexicans stay forever.
Immigrants provide a valuable buffer between white neighborhoods and black neighborhoods.
Our cocaine helps make Andy Dick funny.
(Indistinct shouting) Could you hold this? Damn it, I'm supposed to wear this tonight in that production of the Lone Ranger.
Tonto, we must ri Keep going.
Are you two gonna become friends? Never mind, I'll just watch.
(Screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Newscaster: Good afternoon.
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
In football news, during last night's game, the Mexifornia High Scalpers ran out of non-paralyzed players and were forced to put some recently injured teammates into the game.
Hike.
It's the very best day of the year it's the very best day of the year Bud can try to go hidin' but I'm-a gonna ride him.
What's with your mom? It's groundhog day.
That's what we call my parents' anniversary.
It's the one day a year they have sex, if my dad's inverted penis comes out of its hole.
I wonder if they're gonna stop talking about Daddy's ding-dong long enough to notice I ain't in school.
(Janice humming) Dear God, she remembered.
Hola, Bud.
Ernesto, what the hell are those flowers for? It's not your anniversary.
I work with flowers all day, and at night, the flowers work for me.
Maria: Ooh, flowers! Ernesto: Hola, boobs.
Happy groundhog day, Dad.
Break a penis.
Would you stop calling it groundhog day? Inverted penis is a common medical condition, like irritable bowel syndrome.
Stomach: (Rumbles) Modern music is terrible.
Does every show have to have a gay character now? Hey, there, my Bud stud.
Hope you're ready for our big night.
Sure, honey.
Oh, I forgot to get the mail.
Okay.
Crap.
Yay, piñata! Ow! I am not a piñata! Get away from me! Hey, I earned that from a stranger in a van! Okay, Bud, just relax, relax.
It'll be over soon.
Time for the groundhog to come out.
I drew an arrow where it's supposed to go.
Bud: No, no! Please! (Screaming) Help! Janice: Where is it? Come out.
Bud: It's like peeling tape.
You got to find a little corner (sobbing): You can get your fingernail under.
I'm gonna get it out with the tweezers from our "operation" game.
No! (Buzzer blares) (Applause, whooping in distance) What the hell?! News trucks?! Am in a well again? Hola, Buckwalds.
Maria's sister just had a baby.
I'm Carlos Sanchez here live, where the baby has just been born that tips Mexifornia's population to a latino majority.
For the first time since the town was founded, whites are a minority.
What?! That's impossible! If I'm a minority, then how come I still ain't got rhythm? (Dance music playing) Oh, god, it's true! Ha! In your face, gringo! And you, too, neighbor of unknown origin.
(Speaking gibberish) Don't worry, Bud.
It's not so bad being a minority.
Everyone loves your food, but hates you.
(Screeches) (News theme music playing) We're out on the streets to find out how people are reacting to the new latino majority in Mexifornia.
How about you, sir? I'm no longer a minority? That's right.
But your gated community is still white.
So, how was your anniversary? Did the groundhog come out this year? Uh, no.
How do you and Ernesto manage to keep the spark in your relationship? It's easy.
We watch erotic films from the '70s.
You know how much I like seeing a bush that needs trimming.
Well, I'm sorry Bud doesn't provide you the romance you deserve.
You know, there's plenty of men out there.
My handsome brother Jorge is still single.
It's so hard finding a nice girl on Grindr these days.
(Laughs) All: Aw, straight Uncle Jorge.
Papi, why do you need to put that flag up? I can't see the street.
Now is our time, and soon our brothers from Puerto Rico will control New York.
(Horn blows in distance) It is done.
How could this happen? Mexicans can't be the majority.
Majority means better.
The diction fairy told me so.
You mean the dictionary? What's a dictionary? Don't listen to them, Bud.
I'll tell you what words mean.
Dad, that's nothing to get upset about.
The establishment has always felt threatened by the new immigrants on the block.
When the Irish came over, everyone thought they were going to destroy America, but is anyone threatened by the Irish nowadays? No.
They all eventually become just Americans.
(Phone rings) Bud: I'm in your room, burning your stuff.
Radio announcer: You're listening to Scalpers Football Radio.
At least Mexicans haven't taken over everything.
For the last time, 101.
5 the Scalp is now uno-cero-uno-punto-cinco qmex.
What?! (Horn blares) Look at that.
Now that we're a minority, I can't even relate to tv shows anymore.
Is there an N with one of those squiggly things over it? (Bell dinging, applause) Looks like this guy is feliz navi-dead.
(Howling): Si.
! Oh, thank god Donovan Cobb is still on.
It's no surprise that latinos have become the majority.
Look at their birth rate! If whites want to reclaim the majority status, they need to have more babies.
To help, here's my new album for white people to make love to, Honkies Be Boinkin'.
(Marching band playing) (In low, sexy voice): Oh, yeah.
All night long.
To the briggy break of dawn.
My god, he's right.
Listen, you guys, unless you want to stay a minority forever, you better get to making more babies.
My sister and I did our part.
It's just skin, but you could put it over a non-white person to make him white.
Now you're Connor! If it helps, there's some white girls in my basement that weren't counted in the census.
Hey, what about you, Bud? Are you gonna get Janice pregnant? Who, me? Oh, no, my wife has trouble in the bedroom.
Her husband's not attracted to her.
Well, ain't that kind of hypocritical? Yeah, Bud, put your penis where your mouth is.
Fine, fine, fine, I'll do it! I'll make the ultimate sacrifice for my country and have sex with my wife.
You know what, I'm gonna have sex with my wife, too.
I coming, Sharon.
No judge can keep us apart.
Oh, teacher Maria, I'll do anything for a hall pass, except my homework.
(Giggles) Oh, crap, they're making another baby.
Knock it off! Stop being horny all the time.
You're ruining the country! Oh, no, it's the angry vice principal.
No, no, I'm not part of this! All right, time to make a baby and get my country back.
Hey there, Janice.
If you're free for the next two minutes, I'll only need one of them.
Oh, I don't know, Bud.
I'm kind of tired.
What?! Oh, come on, Janice.
You're always begging for sex.
Now you don't want it? What would a Kennedy do? Drive her into a lake and leave her.
The go back to the party.
These are facts.
Bud, after the way you treated me the other day, you can't just barge in here expecting sex.
You know, Ernesto romances Maria every night.
If you want sex, you're gonna have to learn to romance me.
Well, at least Ernesto struck out.
Otherwise he'd be singing his post-sex mariachi music.
(Ernesto singing post-sex mariachi music) Okay, good night.
(Snoring) I tried to get Janice to make a white baby, but now I can't even get her to sleep with me.
I don't know what to do.
You know, Bud, if you and Janice are having problems in the bedroom, there's professionals who can help.
This guy left his card.
Well, I got to try something.
I guess I'll give this guy a call.
(Electric whirring) Washington up, honey.
(Clattering) Aw, man, I wanted a coke.
(Applause on tv) Over the years, some have complained that my panel doesn't have enough diversity, so tonight's panel will be comprised solely of minority voices.
Let's meet them now.
Please welcome, from The Eagles, Glenn Frey, NBA legend Larry Bird, and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I'm the Michelin man! You saying we all look alike? You're racist! (Giggles) That's a coincidence.
Becky, I think I'm having an identity crisis.
I've spent my whole life being the voice of the oppressed, but now I've become the oppressor.
J.
C.
, you don't have to feel bad about being part of the majority population.
Today I crossed the street when I saw some white bankers coming my way.
They don't all steal money.
Just most of them.
My god, J.
C.
You're having brown guilt.
I know, I tried to assuage it by becoming a big brother for a white outer-city kid.
How long is this gonna take? I have sailing practice.
(Sighs) What do I got to lose? Uh-oh, looks like a minority is hanging out in front of my house.
I better call the cops.
(Laughs) Just kidding.
What's going on, dude? Ernesto, leave me alone.
I'm trying to make an important phone call.
(Cell phone rings) Hello? Damn it, Ernesto.
Will you stop talking at the same time and in the same voice as Dr.
Love? I am Dr.
Love.
Wait, uh, you're Dr.
Love? What else haven't you been telling me? Ernesto, the peasants are in trouble.
Not for long.
(Horse whinnies) Ew, my horse's wiener came out.
Well, if this is how Mexicans became the majority, maybe it'll help a white guy like me win it back.
Welcome to Dr.
Love's Escuela de Love.
Now, Bud, my tips are geared toward Latin men, but I'll try to help you, too.
Lesson one.
A whisper in the ear of your lover can open her heart.
For example only in your eyes, can I behold my own soul.
Now you try it, Bud.
Our love towel's gonna attract so many ants.
Okay, okay, not bad, but let the true romantic in you come out.
Like in your smile is something more beautiful and infinite than the stars.
If I got to throw up, I'm just gonna swallow it.
Okay, Bud, sounds like you're getting the hang of it.
I'm gonna grow an extra penis and throw it out the window.
Benjamin Bratt, Javier Bardem and Antonio Banderas! What are you doing here? Ernesto, we cannot allow you to teach our ways of love to gringos.
I will teach whoever needs my help.
Everyone deserves a chance to learn.
He is not worthy of making love to both Vicki and Christina as I did.
Javier, you know that was just a movie, right? What's a movie? Yes, we cannot have them becoming he-men.
Skeletor? I didn't know you were latino.
I'm not skeletor.
I'm Marc Anthony.
(Laughs maniacally) Ernesto, I just wanted to check when you'd be home.
Oh, my! Hola, Maria.
I have a rash on my rectum.
(Moans) Ernesto, I can't resist him.
Help! Quick, grab on! This is weird.
(Door opens) Hey, there, Janice.
Ooh, Bud.
You look like a less-drunk George Lopez.
I got all of my farts out in the hallway.
Gert: Why does the hallway smell like Southwest Airlines? Oh, Bud, that was wonderful.
I don't care how many medical authorities say otherwise, you are an anatomical man.
Well, let's just hope we made a baby.
Baby? Oh, Bud, I can't get pregnant anymore.
Remember when I did a flip on the trampoline - and my uterus flew out across the yard? - What?! You can't have a baby?! Janice, this is why we're a minority! Hey, Bud, the baby my cousin had just had a baby.
You got to see this it's like those russian dolls! Aah! Demitri is impossible to work with! Dad, what's wrong? What's wrong is his people have moved in and taken over our country.
There's no need to freak out about the population shift.
Nothing has changed! Everything has changed! Our once-proud white culture is disappearing.
Our whole way of life is in danger of being lost.
Don't worry, Bud.
I won't let that happen.
J.
C.
, what are you doing? He's just overreacting.
No, Becky, this is my new calling.
I will go down in history as the first latino activist to fight for white rights.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Let's do it! Announcer: We now return to Mexican Shark Tank.
Hello, sharks.
Have you ever been driving home, and you thought, "I would like to have an orange"? Well, what if you saw a whole bag of oranges? Sharks, I am asking for four dollars for an 80% stake in my company.
(Whispering) Good evening, our top story local activist J.
C.
Gonzalez has successfully petitioned the government to protect minority Caucasian culture by setting aside government land for a "white people reservation.
" The idea was proposed by local white, Bud Buckwald.
Buckwald is known for filing a lawsuit against a raccoon and yelling at a cancer patient during the national anthem to "take his damn cap off.
" Hey, Bud, congrats on the reservation! Oh, that's right, he moved to the reservation.
Well, guess it's the Ernesto show now! (Groans) I don't have any ideas.
Well, Bud, your people will now have a place free of the corrupting influence of other cultures.
J.
C.
, I-I don't know how to thank you.
Your name will go down in history, alongside all the great heroes who confined other ethnic groups to a concentrated area.
What the hell? Oh, crap.
Hey, George! Isn't this great we're neighbors! We're gonna need to borrow a lot of stuff! We brought nothing! Bud, I don't want to live on a white people reservation.
If you're still worried about being a minority, we'll search every dumpster in America and find some white babies.
Yeah, Dad, isolating yourself is not the answer.
It's important to protect what little we have left.
Otherwise, our grandchildren will never know our customs and traditional dances, like "the twist" or "the robot.
" (In monotone): I am a sentient robot.
Must destroy all humans.
Oh, Bud, this is the dance we did at our wedding.
(Horn honks) Hola, Bud! Oh, god, I thought I finally got away from this guy.
I brought you a reservation-warming gift yummy enchiladas.
Mmm! Oh, great, I'll just put these in the ethnic food section of our reservation.
(Chuckling): Wow.
Usually when this many white guys gather in a crappy place, it's to kill others or themselves.
This reservation ain't crappy.
It's got everything a white guy could want.
Look around.
There's the reservation's basketball court.
The hoops are five feet, eight inches tall, and there's no jumping allowed.
Damn it! This is where we put water into plastic bottles.
Otherwise, our people will die of thirst.
We believe that drinking free water steals your soul.
Kiernan, no! And here's a lab where scientists work on new words to make whites excited about riding a stationary bike.
I've got it.
"Pedal burn.
" (Whooping) Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Finally! Here's our tribal casino where we can fleece the majority populations.
Cool! Gambling! Damn it, Ernesto, we can't afford to have you win.
We haven't fleeced anyone, yet.
Hey, get back here! Celine Dion is in there! Celine Dion: near, far Ernesto: Hey, keep it down back there! Being pulled by a car (Ernesto groans) I know - (Tires screech) - Celine Dion: Oh! J.
C.
: And this is a family in its domestic habitat.
J.
C.
, what the hell do you think you're doing? Leading a tour.
These people came to see the last remains of indigenous white culture.
Hey, knock it off! And tell your teenagers to stop wearing confusingly-sexy pigtails! Look at this, Dad.
We've become an historical exhibit.
She's right, Bud.
I want to go home.
I knew I was gonna hear Jimmy Buffet, but nothing prepared me for this much Jimmy Buffet.
And I miss Running Water, my little Indian friend across the street.
Dad, you think this is protecting America, but America is what we left behind in Mexifornia.
And that's where I want to live, even if we are the minority.
You guys want to go? Fine.
Leave me behind, just like my battalion mates during Desert Storm after I deserted, briefly joined the Iraqi army, then asked if I could come back.
Good afternoon, I'm Hey, the border station's on the news.
Wonder what's going on.
I ain't been at work for a month.
The last month has seen a steep decline in illegal border-crossings due to the extended absence of one incompetent agent.
Wonder who that idiot is.
I can't wait to rip him a new one when I get back from my extended absence.
This decline in crossings, combined with a gross Caucasian woman having octuplets, has shifted the population back to a white majority.
What?! Yes! (Whoops) We did it! My god, we did it! (Whoops) (Whoops, laughs) Hey, everyone, did you hear? We're no longer the minority! Darryl, high-five! Hola, Bud.
We did it! (Laughing) Stop, Bud, I'm ticklish! (Ernesto giggles) (Door closes) Bud, you're home.
You're damn right, I am.
Didn't you see the news? Our town's back to the way it was whites are the majority! (Laughs) I'm so excited, I think the groundhog's gonna make an appearance.
(Moaning): Oh Kids, go play at the Gonzalez's house, and barricade the windows.
Your father and I are gonna destroy this place.
Bud: Geronimo! (Crashing) (Bud and Janice laugh excitedly) Bud: Ooh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Happy anniversary, honey.
(Baby laughing)
Me? No! It's the terrorists who are the real danger.
Oh, no, we just make one big kaboom, then leave.
Mexicans stay forever.
Immigrants provide a valuable buffer between white neighborhoods and black neighborhoods.
Our cocaine helps make Andy Dick funny.
(Indistinct shouting) Could you hold this? Damn it, I'm supposed to wear this tonight in that production of the Lone Ranger.
Tonto, we must ri Keep going.
Are you two gonna become friends? Never mind, I'll just watch.
(Screeches) Ooh! Ha! Ooh! Ha! Whoa! Newscaster: Good afternoon.
I'm Carlos Sanchez.
In football news, during last night's game, the Mexifornia High Scalpers ran out of non-paralyzed players and were forced to put some recently injured teammates into the game.
Hike.
It's the very best day of the year it's the very best day of the year Bud can try to go hidin' but I'm-a gonna ride him.
What's with your mom? It's groundhog day.
That's what we call my parents' anniversary.
It's the one day a year they have sex, if my dad's inverted penis comes out of its hole.
I wonder if they're gonna stop talking about Daddy's ding-dong long enough to notice I ain't in school.
(Janice humming) Dear God, she remembered.
Hola, Bud.
Ernesto, what the hell are those flowers for? It's not your anniversary.
I work with flowers all day, and at night, the flowers work for me.
Maria: Ooh, flowers! Ernesto: Hola, boobs.
Happy groundhog day, Dad.
Break a penis.
Would you stop calling it groundhog day? Inverted penis is a common medical condition, like irritable bowel syndrome.
Stomach: (Rumbles) Modern music is terrible.
Does every show have to have a gay character now? Hey, there, my Bud stud.
Hope you're ready for our big night.
Sure, honey.
Oh, I forgot to get the mail.
Okay.
Crap.
Yay, piñata! Ow! I am not a piñata! Get away from me! Hey, I earned that from a stranger in a van! Okay, Bud, just relax, relax.
It'll be over soon.
Time for the groundhog to come out.
I drew an arrow where it's supposed to go.
Bud: No, no! Please! (Screaming) Help! Janice: Where is it? Come out.
Bud: It's like peeling tape.
You got to find a little corner (sobbing): You can get your fingernail under.
I'm gonna get it out with the tweezers from our "operation" game.
No! (Buzzer blares) (Applause, whooping in distance) What the hell?! News trucks?! Am in a well again? Hola, Buckwalds.
Maria's sister just had a baby.
I'm Carlos Sanchez here live, where the baby has just been born that tips Mexifornia's population to a latino majority.
For the first time since the town was founded, whites are a minority.
What?! That's impossible! If I'm a minority, then how come I still ain't got rhythm? (Dance music playing) Oh, god, it's true! Ha! In your face, gringo! And you, too, neighbor of unknown origin.
(Speaking gibberish) Don't worry, Bud.
It's not so bad being a minority.
Everyone loves your food, but hates you.
(Screeches) (News theme music playing) We're out on the streets to find out how people are reacting to the new latino majority in Mexifornia.
How about you, sir? I'm no longer a minority? That's right.
But your gated community is still white.
So, how was your anniversary? Did the groundhog come out this year? Uh, no.
How do you and Ernesto manage to keep the spark in your relationship? It's easy.
We watch erotic films from the '70s.
You know how much I like seeing a bush that needs trimming.
Well, I'm sorry Bud doesn't provide you the romance you deserve.
You know, there's plenty of men out there.
My handsome brother Jorge is still single.
It's so hard finding a nice girl on Grindr these days.
(Laughs) All: Aw, straight Uncle Jorge.
Papi, why do you need to put that flag up? I can't see the street.
Now is our time, and soon our brothers from Puerto Rico will control New York.
(Horn blows in distance) It is done.
How could this happen? Mexicans can't be the majority.
Majority means better.
The diction fairy told me so.
You mean the dictionary? What's a dictionary? Don't listen to them, Bud.
I'll tell you what words mean.
Dad, that's nothing to get upset about.
The establishment has always felt threatened by the new immigrants on the block.
When the Irish came over, everyone thought they were going to destroy America, but is anyone threatened by the Irish nowadays? No.
They all eventually become just Americans.
(Phone rings) Bud: I'm in your room, burning your stuff.
Radio announcer: You're listening to Scalpers Football Radio.
At least Mexicans haven't taken over everything.
For the last time, 101.
5 the Scalp is now uno-cero-uno-punto-cinco qmex.
What?! (Horn blares) Look at that.
Now that we're a minority, I can't even relate to tv shows anymore.
Is there an N with one of those squiggly things over it? (Bell dinging, applause) Looks like this guy is feliz navi-dead.
(Howling): Si.
! Oh, thank god Donovan Cobb is still on.
It's no surprise that latinos have become the majority.
Look at their birth rate! If whites want to reclaim the majority status, they need to have more babies.
To help, here's my new album for white people to make love to, Honkies Be Boinkin'.
(Marching band playing) (In low, sexy voice): Oh, yeah.
All night long.
To the briggy break of dawn.
My god, he's right.
Listen, you guys, unless you want to stay a minority forever, you better get to making more babies.
My sister and I did our part.
It's just skin, but you could put it over a non-white person to make him white.
Now you're Connor! If it helps, there's some white girls in my basement that weren't counted in the census.
Hey, what about you, Bud? Are you gonna get Janice pregnant? Who, me? Oh, no, my wife has trouble in the bedroom.
Her husband's not attracted to her.
Well, ain't that kind of hypocritical? Yeah, Bud, put your penis where your mouth is.
Fine, fine, fine, I'll do it! I'll make the ultimate sacrifice for my country and have sex with my wife.
You know what, I'm gonna have sex with my wife, too.
I coming, Sharon.
No judge can keep us apart.
Oh, teacher Maria, I'll do anything for a hall pass, except my homework.
(Giggles) Oh, crap, they're making another baby.
Knock it off! Stop being horny all the time.
You're ruining the country! Oh, no, it's the angry vice principal.
No, no, I'm not part of this! All right, time to make a baby and get my country back.
Hey there, Janice.
If you're free for the next two minutes, I'll only need one of them.
Oh, I don't know, Bud.
I'm kind of tired.
What?! Oh, come on, Janice.
You're always begging for sex.
Now you don't want it? What would a Kennedy do? Drive her into a lake and leave her.
The go back to the party.
These are facts.
Bud, after the way you treated me the other day, you can't just barge in here expecting sex.
You know, Ernesto romances Maria every night.
If you want sex, you're gonna have to learn to romance me.
Well, at least Ernesto struck out.
Otherwise he'd be singing his post-sex mariachi music.
(Ernesto singing post-sex mariachi music) Okay, good night.
(Snoring) I tried to get Janice to make a white baby, but now I can't even get her to sleep with me.
I don't know what to do.
You know, Bud, if you and Janice are having problems in the bedroom, there's professionals who can help.
This guy left his card.
Well, I got to try something.
I guess I'll give this guy a call.
(Electric whirring) Washington up, honey.
(Clattering) Aw, man, I wanted a coke.
(Applause on tv) Over the years, some have complained that my panel doesn't have enough diversity, so tonight's panel will be comprised solely of minority voices.
Let's meet them now.
Please welcome, from The Eagles, Glenn Frey, NBA legend Larry Bird, and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I'm the Michelin man! You saying we all look alike? You're racist! (Giggles) That's a coincidence.
Becky, I think I'm having an identity crisis.
I've spent my whole life being the voice of the oppressed, but now I've become the oppressor.
J.
C.
, you don't have to feel bad about being part of the majority population.
Today I crossed the street when I saw some white bankers coming my way.
They don't all steal money.
Just most of them.
My god, J.
C.
You're having brown guilt.
I know, I tried to assuage it by becoming a big brother for a white outer-city kid.
How long is this gonna take? I have sailing practice.
(Sighs) What do I got to lose? Uh-oh, looks like a minority is hanging out in front of my house.
I better call the cops.
(Laughs) Just kidding.
What's going on, dude? Ernesto, leave me alone.
I'm trying to make an important phone call.
(Cell phone rings) Hello? Damn it, Ernesto.
Will you stop talking at the same time and in the same voice as Dr.
Love? I am Dr.
Love.
Wait, uh, you're Dr.
Love? What else haven't you been telling me? Ernesto, the peasants are in trouble.
Not for long.
(Horse whinnies) Ew, my horse's wiener came out.
Well, if this is how Mexicans became the majority, maybe it'll help a white guy like me win it back.
Welcome to Dr.
Love's Escuela de Love.
Now, Bud, my tips are geared toward Latin men, but I'll try to help you, too.
Lesson one.
A whisper in the ear of your lover can open her heart.
For example only in your eyes, can I behold my own soul.
Now you try it, Bud.
Our love towel's gonna attract so many ants.
Okay, okay, not bad, but let the true romantic in you come out.
Like in your smile is something more beautiful and infinite than the stars.
If I got to throw up, I'm just gonna swallow it.
Okay, Bud, sounds like you're getting the hang of it.
I'm gonna grow an extra penis and throw it out the window.
Benjamin Bratt, Javier Bardem and Antonio Banderas! What are you doing here? Ernesto, we cannot allow you to teach our ways of love to gringos.
I will teach whoever needs my help.
Everyone deserves a chance to learn.
He is not worthy of making love to both Vicki and Christina as I did.
Javier, you know that was just a movie, right? What's a movie? Yes, we cannot have them becoming he-men.
Skeletor? I didn't know you were latino.
I'm not skeletor.
I'm Marc Anthony.
(Laughs maniacally) Ernesto, I just wanted to check when you'd be home.
Oh, my! Hola, Maria.
I have a rash on my rectum.
(Moans) Ernesto, I can't resist him.
Help! Quick, grab on! This is weird.
(Door opens) Hey, there, Janice.
Ooh, Bud.
You look like a less-drunk George Lopez.
I got all of my farts out in the hallway.
Gert: Why does the hallway smell like Southwest Airlines? Oh, Bud, that was wonderful.
I don't care how many medical authorities say otherwise, you are an anatomical man.
Well, let's just hope we made a baby.
Baby? Oh, Bud, I can't get pregnant anymore.
Remember when I did a flip on the trampoline - and my uterus flew out across the yard? - What?! You can't have a baby?! Janice, this is why we're a minority! Hey, Bud, the baby my cousin had just had a baby.
You got to see this it's like those russian dolls! Aah! Demitri is impossible to work with! Dad, what's wrong? What's wrong is his people have moved in and taken over our country.
There's no need to freak out about the population shift.
Nothing has changed! Everything has changed! Our once-proud white culture is disappearing.
Our whole way of life is in danger of being lost.
Don't worry, Bud.
I won't let that happen.
J.
C.
, what are you doing? He's just overreacting.
No, Becky, this is my new calling.
I will go down in history as the first latino activist to fight for white rights.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
Let's do it! Announcer: We now return to Mexican Shark Tank.
Hello, sharks.
Have you ever been driving home, and you thought, "I would like to have an orange"? Well, what if you saw a whole bag of oranges? Sharks, I am asking for four dollars for an 80% stake in my company.
(Whispering) Good evening, our top story local activist J.
C.
Gonzalez has successfully petitioned the government to protect minority Caucasian culture by setting aside government land for a "white people reservation.
" The idea was proposed by local white, Bud Buckwald.
Buckwald is known for filing a lawsuit against a raccoon and yelling at a cancer patient during the national anthem to "take his damn cap off.
" Hey, Bud, congrats on the reservation! Oh, that's right, he moved to the reservation.
Well, guess it's the Ernesto show now! (Groans) I don't have any ideas.
Well, Bud, your people will now have a place free of the corrupting influence of other cultures.
J.
C.
, I-I don't know how to thank you.
Your name will go down in history, alongside all the great heroes who confined other ethnic groups to a concentrated area.
What the hell? Oh, crap.
Hey, George! Isn't this great we're neighbors! We're gonna need to borrow a lot of stuff! We brought nothing! Bud, I don't want to live on a white people reservation.
If you're still worried about being a minority, we'll search every dumpster in America and find some white babies.
Yeah, Dad, isolating yourself is not the answer.
It's important to protect what little we have left.
Otherwise, our grandchildren will never know our customs and traditional dances, like "the twist" or "the robot.
" (In monotone): I am a sentient robot.
Must destroy all humans.
Oh, Bud, this is the dance we did at our wedding.
(Horn honks) Hola, Bud! Oh, god, I thought I finally got away from this guy.
I brought you a reservation-warming gift yummy enchiladas.
Mmm! Oh, great, I'll just put these in the ethnic food section of our reservation.
(Chuckling): Wow.
Usually when this many white guys gather in a crappy place, it's to kill others or themselves.
This reservation ain't crappy.
It's got everything a white guy could want.
Look around.
There's the reservation's basketball court.
The hoops are five feet, eight inches tall, and there's no jumping allowed.
Damn it! This is where we put water into plastic bottles.
Otherwise, our people will die of thirst.
We believe that drinking free water steals your soul.
Kiernan, no! And here's a lab where scientists work on new words to make whites excited about riding a stationary bike.
I've got it.
"Pedal burn.
" (Whooping) Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Finally! Here's our tribal casino where we can fleece the majority populations.
Cool! Gambling! Damn it, Ernesto, we can't afford to have you win.
We haven't fleeced anyone, yet.
Hey, get back here! Celine Dion is in there! Celine Dion: near, far Ernesto: Hey, keep it down back there! Being pulled by a car (Ernesto groans) I know - (Tires screech) - Celine Dion: Oh! J.
C.
: And this is a family in its domestic habitat.
J.
C.
, what the hell do you think you're doing? Leading a tour.
These people came to see the last remains of indigenous white culture.
Hey, knock it off! And tell your teenagers to stop wearing confusingly-sexy pigtails! Look at this, Dad.
We've become an historical exhibit.
She's right, Bud.
I want to go home.
I knew I was gonna hear Jimmy Buffet, but nothing prepared me for this much Jimmy Buffet.
And I miss Running Water, my little Indian friend across the street.
Dad, you think this is protecting America, but America is what we left behind in Mexifornia.
And that's where I want to live, even if we are the minority.
You guys want to go? Fine.
Leave me behind, just like my battalion mates during Desert Storm after I deserted, briefly joined the Iraqi army, then asked if I could come back.
Good afternoon, I'm Hey, the border station's on the news.
Wonder what's going on.
I ain't been at work for a month.
The last month has seen a steep decline in illegal border-crossings due to the extended absence of one incompetent agent.
Wonder who that idiot is.
I can't wait to rip him a new one when I get back from my extended absence.
This decline in crossings, combined with a gross Caucasian woman having octuplets, has shifted the population back to a white majority.
What?! Yes! (Whoops) We did it! My god, we did it! (Whoops) (Whoops, laughs) Hey, everyone, did you hear? We're no longer the minority! Darryl, high-five! Hola, Bud.
We did it! (Laughing) Stop, Bud, I'm ticklish! (Ernesto giggles) (Door closes) Bud, you're home.
You're damn right, I am.
Didn't you see the news? Our town's back to the way it was whites are the majority! (Laughs) I'm so excited, I think the groundhog's gonna make an appearance.
(Moaning): Oh Kids, go play at the Gonzalez's house, and barricade the windows.
Your father and I are gonna destroy this place.
Bud: Geronimo! (Crashing) (Bud and Janice laugh excitedly) Bud: Ooh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Happy anniversary, honey.
(Baby laughing)