Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

For Streep

1 [ Hip-hop playing ] MAN: Hey, audience, it's time for "Cute Corner," where you imagine the cute animals that I describe.
Ready? Okay, guys, close your eyes.
Imagine a ladybug with a pug head on a leaf with his tongue out and whimpering.
Ahh! Next, imagine a scrunchy-faced kitty.
Crimp, crimp.
Mmm! Next, think of little arms, fat tummy, googly-eyed, licky lick.
[ Muttering ] And a nippy, trembling, skimpy knobber.
Click, clack, oh.
[ Mutters ] Aw, him chilly.
Oh, shiver, shiver.
[ Chuckles ] Next up, get ready to imagine a goose [ Quacks ] with a monster human [bleep] Mm-hmm! And, finally, picture in your wittle heady-wed a pretty little baby fawn licking up a sugar cube.
[ Gags ] This has been "Cute Corner"! MAN: You can do this.
The only person who can stop you is you.
And you're not gonna give up, no.
Don't listen to the negative voices telling you to quit.
You're a champion.
And champions just do it.
No! Stop! Brian, why?! That's not my name! My name is Doo Doo Man! See? And I'm a champion! That's three times! In one day.
I don't know how he does it, frankly.
[ Birds chirping ] What's up, girl? I know you're there.
- Hey, oh.
- What's up, girl? [ Ting! ] [ Beat plays ] What's up? Yo, yo, yo Jamba Jews! We're in your face What's up, girl? Jamba Jews! Hey, yo, what is up? Hey, yo, yo, yo Whaaat's uuuup, giiiirl? - Send nudes, girl.
- What's up, girl? Hey, just hear me out, girl.
Hey, girl, what's up? MAN: Big Dumb Siren! It's finally available in stores.
Big Dumb Siren for the top of your bitch-ass head.
Perfect for idiots, [bleep] ups, ne'er-do-wells, jackanapes, loose-lipped pimps, goblin sisters, [bleep]-a-boos, [bleep]-a-boo bonzais, fake-ass tricks, punk-ass chumps, snotty well moms, and evildoers! Big Dumb Siren! I ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that MAN: "The Lord of the Things.
" Once, there was a very general man who had a normal life that we can all relate to.
Then he had to do a thing.
And when he did, he became its lord.
He seemed to have authority over a thing or two, but like most of us, he sometimes wanted two things equally.
He had to choose one thing.
And there were consequences, but they were not insurmountable.
At last, some people helped him and some did not.
Finally, there many things he could not get around to lording over.
He ended up always having lived in a place with people.
And sometimes it was night.
And sometimes it was day.
And he lorded and he lorded and he lorded over a good deal of things.
He was "The Lord of the Things.
" [ Up-tempo music plays ] Rule number one.
If your girl got a hurt foot, don't you dare ask for a blow job.
Stay hard, my friends.
Bitches and dicks You know there ain't nothing But bitches and dicks You know there ain't nothing but Bitches and dicks You know there ain't nothing but Bitches and dicks You know there ain't nothing but Bitches and dicks Come on with your bitches and dicks Mmm, I got your bitches and dicks Come on with your bitches and dicks Excuse me, family.
[ Screams ] But when you was taking out my bag of gizzards and lizards and neck bones and stuff, did you happen to see a wedding ring in there? Because my fiancé is very angry at me.
[ Shutters clicking ] [ Techno playing ] I ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that Ain't gonna hear that [ Gavel bangs ] And now we'll hear from our local swamp hag.
You have the floor.
My God damn bog is drying up, y'all.
I don't buy no lotions or moisturizers.
I moisten myself with the [bleep] swamp, okay? I eat lizards, dude.
I eat frogs.
And guess what, they're all dying.
So, ergo, I'm dying, mother-[bleep] I'm a swamp hag! [ Spectators murmuring ] Order in the court.
Let her talk.
I gotta maintain my My translucence.
Gotta stay wet as [bleep] The swamp keeps my hair and my down there in a constant state of squish.
That's my thing.
[ Slowly ] I am a swamp hag! Now, I said my piece.
Anybody got, like, a bucket of crawdads or a loaf of moldy bread? No? Oh [bleep] all y'all.
[ Microphone feedback ] Order, order! Yo, it's me, G.
Dog Dog.
Got that jolting J.
, y'all.
Got the hat floating on my pate, pate.
Absolutely no bottoms, yo, 'cause global warming be real real.
Hey, peaces to my Lisas.
Name's Dog Dog, man.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ] We have cocks Cock cocks Cock cocks We have cocks Cock cocks Cock cocky cocks There are Cheetos on the floor There are Cheetos on the floor We have cocks Cock cocks Cock cocks You say you're better than me at Geology? Ha! Yeah, right, calcite.
In your dreams, Plasticine.
Har har, feldspar.
I mean, get mina-real.
[ Chuckles ] Gotta say no, isotope.
Like hell, common shale.
My ass, noble gas.
Screw you, archipelago.
You wish, fossil fish.
Go home, limestone.
Na-uh, gypsum.
No way, yellow cake.
Get lost, permafrost.
Take a hike, quartzite.
Suck a [bleep] metamorphic.
Damn it, granite.
Is your ass sick, Jurassic? The teacher loves me more, ocean floor.
She's mine, alkaline.
We're actually best friends.
MAN: Donald Sutherland-flavored potato ships.
It's just not a meal without 'em.
Now with even more of that sweet, savory D.
The other brands just don't know how to bring across that full flavor of Donald Sutherland.
But we know.
And we bring it.
From the Sutherland to your land.
Come on, Bubba.
You know you want some.
That's why I SCUBA dive.
All of the snorkelers, they all wish they could get the views that we certified divers can get.
I'm talking caves, I'm talking deeper water, I'm talking sea floor and long, long Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kid Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kiiiiiid-d! [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Rule number four Never publicly floss, pick, spit, blow, expel, or stretch.
Stay likable, my friends.
One, two, three We got a 30-pack In a plastic sack We got a 30-pack In a plastic sack Well, let me tell the tale Of an ordinary Thursday Me and mine feeling fine, but kind of thirsty We roll up to the store On the street by Billy Crudup's And we tell the man to give us what we want We got a 30-pack In a plastic sack We got a 30-pack In a plastic sack And we're cool MAN: You can't quit.
You are a champion.
Your name is not Brian.
You are Doo Doo Man.
And now you are going to run for president.
Ain't gonna hear that [ Hip-hop playing ] Bye-bye.