Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

For Knowles

1 [ Hip-hop playing ] [ Mid-tempo music playing ] I want to live I want to live on a mountain I want to live Want to live on a mountain Oh, up on top, like a cop Feeling wind and sun on the rocks When the eagle says, "Hey, hey, hey!" I want to live on a mountain I want to live Want to live on a mountain Oh, like a wizard or a monk I would lose my funk I would holler like an eagle shouting, "Hey, hey, hey!" I want to live on a mountain Here's my meter, okay? You got a nice ass.
But you say you hate reading.
But your mom was on "Oprah" for something bad.
You got an Etsy page? You make jewelry? For men? So it's a pass.
- [ Screams ] - Aah! Sorry about that.
My friends threw this football.
Now they're way Way out over in the chop, out in the water.
So, you know what would make this day even better? A bunch of illegal glass bottles.
You guys got any? No.
We we brought cans.
[ Seagull squawks ] All right.
Passed the test.
[ Surf rock plays ] Are you drinking tasty beer out of a glass bottle? Yeah.
You you want some? [ Gunshot, screaming ] It's okay.
I'm a narc.
[ Gunshot, thud ] Never ends.
Hey, watch this.
Pbht! [ Laughing ] I love that.
Here, look at this.
[ Farts ] [ Laughs ] [ Farts ] [ Hip hop playing ] You suck at sex You suck at sex You suck at sex WOMAN: Hey, let me tell you my favorite types of Gump.
[ Horn honks ] Swamp.
Bubba Gump Gump.
And Times Square.
Jenny! All right, here's my meter, okay? Oh, you own a restaurant? But it's a Wendy's.
Oh, you Wendy.
Oh, I'm gonna get with you, Wendy.
I rate you high.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ] Don't make me laugh I'm trying to climax Stop scratching yourself I'm trying to climax Don't want to hear the specials I'm trying to climax Just clench your grip So I can climax Get down from there I'm trying to climax Let's leave the hospital So I can climax Wash out yourself So I can climax Just scream "John Candy" John Candy! And we will climax John Candy! John Candy! John Candy! John Candy! Oh, John Candy! I just keep seeing them.
Their skin is like a chalky lizard's.
Their voice is usually full of ghastly sounding mucus, and they're really, really slow.
And you can see their skeleton under their skin.
Is your life being ruined by horrible monsters? Well, I'm here to help.
With Monster Traps! I don't know what happened to my parents.
I want to their house, and there were to grody monsters there instead.
My parents aren't even friends with any monsters.
We can't find or bring back your loved ones, but we can trap monsters.
Set the trap near where you've seen the monster.
Set bait, then once you've caught it, you deliver that terrible creature to a monster repository.
And start living a monster-free life.
So, it's a-one and a-two and a-three and a-four.
Got it? Yeah, I got it.
It's a stab and a kill and a rape and a laugh.
Right, huh? What? I'm Satan, come on.
MAN: You know what? I always see Donald Trump in a trench coat with, like, two living goats for shoes and, like, nine rings made out of cheese.
And, you know, he's got no eyes, and he's got them hand teeth and them, like, ankle testicles.
And, he's, like, living in Antarctica with, like, half a cyborg procedure done.
But he's there with, like, the cast of "Goonies.
" And they're, like, working as his butlers.
And the first tree ever planted has been uprooted and transplanted into his bedroom to keep him company, when, uh, you know, he, like, wakes up in his nightmares, when he's, like, missing his mommy and when he's wondering where all his stuffed animals are now.
[ Door slams ] Yeah Oh One time when I saw the TV A woman get a breast implant right on the TV Another time I saw a little person get married And then I saw a ghost avenger dude, it was scary But yeah One time I saw on the TV A bunch of ninja warriors And, man, they be swinging And then I saw a baby get sent out into space And let me tell you that that baby had a look on his face Though, but, yeah I'm sick of having to have an opinion.
Totally! I'm sick of having a body.
I know.
I'm so ready for Johnny Depp to make us all into fiber optics.
God, that sounds perfect.
I don't want to choose another thing.
I want to just be.
Ugh, I want to just be catatonic.
If Catatonia were a place, I'd buy a house.
If I knew that death was just laying there and I was aware and I could just not do anything, I would die right now.
If I was certain death was sleeping, I'd die right now, because I love dreams.
I hate weather.
Hate summer.
Hate winter.
Hate having skin.
I just want to be eyes.
And ears.
I like gossip.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ] Have you seen the girl that's working at Ross? Oh, my God, she's working my thoughts Watch this girl give her hair a good toss Holy shit, man, this girl up in Ross Ooh, yeah Oh, man, I am her boss Gotta teach this girl the working at Ross Watch this girl give her hair a good toss Holy shit, man, this girl at the Ross Kid pigs! Agh, we're kid pigs! - Kid pigs.
- Kid pigs, yeah.
I'm having my trotters! I want to eat the farmer lady's hair and suck her milk! Yeah.
I'm a little [bleep] [ Farts ] I heard a weird story about a hairy white king human who lives in the clouds and loves to watch pain.
Kid pigs! Find the milk! I'm gonna invest a lot of time in my education before I'm slaughtered.
[ Laughing ] I wish I could have a hairdo.
I wonder if the stars are just other kid pigs waiting to turn into energy to go into our humans so they could eat more kid pigs.
Kid pigs! [ Oinking ] Um, so once I was up in a club, and I thought that I was the baddest bitch.
But this bitch I guess thought she was better.
'Cause she wanted to come into my section, which was V.
, by the way.
That's very important, by the way.
And she came up in my section trying to drink my cranberry and my vodka.
So you know what I told that bitch.
I say, "You can have a glass, but I'm gonna get in that ass.
" So after they finished my favorite song, which is "Get On the Floor" by Squiggly Wiggly, we went outside, and I bust that bitch in the face.
And you know what? She's cuter now.
MAN: One, two, three, four My roommate is God My roommate is God My roommate is God [ Laughs ] He's always around I want him to go My roommate is God He knows what I do He looks in my face My roommate is God He's waiting for me My roommate is God He ate all my shit My roommate is God MAN: Here we are at the slam dunk contest.
And, hey, big man at the rim! Got some hops, this guy.
Up in the air, big man at the rim! Wow! Did you see that? Big man at the time! Legs up in the air.
Look at that guy.
Big man at the rim, right there.
Big man at the rim! Wow! Between the legs dribble Oh, big man at the rim! Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Shake the backboard.
Big man.
Take that! Take that! [ Cat yowls ] Take that! - Ohh.
Take that! [ Whirs ] Take that! Yes! [ Hip-hop playing ] Bye-bye.