Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

For Aretha

1 [ Hip-hop playing ] Announcer: New at Universal Studios Vin Diesel, "The Ride.
" Man, it felt just like his back.
I was on his back! Announcer: Vin Diesel, "The Ride.
" Oh, it was awesome! I got to wrap my thighs around his neck and ride Vin Diesel! Announcer: You'll never be the same.
Vin Diesel, "The Ride.
" As we went faster and more furiouser, then I just held on to the belly.
Like it was dope.
It was dope! Whoo! Announcer: Vin Diesel, "The Ride.
" Come experience the magic at Universal Studios.
[ Inhales sharply ] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Huh, hmm? What's the matter? Oh, man, I have this terrible pain.
[ Wind whistles ] Tada! It's me, the Kidney Stone Fairy! I'll give you a quarter for every rock you piss out! Now, come on, get to pushing.
[Bleep] you, I gotta go to the hospital.
No hospital.
They'll keep the stones! Husband, keep her here and I'll give you a hand job, man.
Uh, sorry, hon.
Just push it and get it over with.
We are getting a divorce.
Come on, stick it out! I'll give you the hand job after you pass them.
Come on! Perv alert! Perv alert! Perv alert! Yo! Perv alert! Perv alert! Perv alert! Yeah, you! Perv alert! Perv alert! Andre 3000: Once upon a time, cave people went around killing and [bleeping].
Then for some reason, they started thinking about themselves and that made them not cave people, but people people.
But still, they killed.
And they [bleep].
Only, they were also thinking about killing and [bleep].
Now, women hated life.
Men who were not kings hated life.
And kids were only kids for a few days.
Being alive sucked unless you were [bleep] or already dead.
Anyway, volcanoes slagged people in their slumber.
Big cats regrouped.
Little cats snuck in.
And sharks gave up on growing legs.
And the dogs that didn't stay wolves turned into stupid little versions of people.
Now, men and women have always hated each other for [bleep] and killing, but they have also always loved each other for [bleep] and killing.
Nothing has changed really.
Once upon a time, men went to sleep with a rock in their hand and sex in their dream.
Then men went to sleep with a knife in their hand and sex in their dream.
Now men go to sleep with a gun in their hand and sex in their dream.
And some men go to sleep with themselves in their hand and sex in their dream.
But women Women go to sleep worrying about tomorrow.
[ Plodding music plays ] [ Sploosh! ] [ Sloop! ] [ Pop! ] [ Warble! Plop! ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Engine revving ] God damn, yeah, man.
God damn, yeah, man.
God damn, yeah, man.
So, I was in a cab, and the cab driver was really old, and he said to me, "My mama died and my wife died and I just had a heart valve operation, but I'm still here percolating, but I might be dead soon.
" So I said, "Mr.
Old Cab Driver, do you mind if I get out of the car before you die?!" Marry me! - I don't know.
- No! I know! - I guess I am trying to not sing in black face.
[ Hip-hop playing ] Whoo, whoo Whoop, whoop Whoo Where the Hardy at? Whoo Where the Hardy at? Whoo He slips so deep in a role You can't know where he's at Where the Hardy at? Whoo Where the Hardy at? Whoo He's been right here the whole time Up in a party hat Have him over, don't expect to hang with Bane, though Have him over, but he won't be Maximanus, yo He's shorter than you think And, no, he will not have a drink Because the Hardy's on the brink Of turning into yet another role Where the Hardy at? Whoo Where the Hardy at? Whoo I wanna ask him straight up Yo, will you kiss me back? Hey, I'm just a fan.
Now, the last item of the night, in 15 seconds, describe your perfect America.
Senator Woodrow.
My perfect America would be like all the stuff you see in the G.
Joe movies.
But we'd have Cobra stuff, too.
Harvin: Damn! Moderator, please tell him to wait.
I'm sorry, but, dude, you're really just speaking to me.
Hey, you don't have to tell me I'm awesome.
But I got one more thing.
I would bring back [bleep] girls in their vaginas.
Seems like a lot of people are doing some crazy [bleep] now Butt, mouth, shoulder.
It's American to [bleep] vag.
[ Scattered applause ] Okay, Senator Harvin.
Yeah, okay.
Man, that was sweet.
Uh, my perfect America.
Look, it comes down to this.
Some people are meant to be food and some people are meant to be shot into the earth's core.
And other people are meant to keep other parts of other people like myself warm and happy.
So, yeah, I mean, like, my perfect America is that.
And no more fighting.
Plus peace and 10 condiments.
And rap music at funerals still.
And Motown should be brought back.
But, yeah, I mean, all that first stuff where we, you know, get it back to how it was and, you know, people knew what channel "Who's the Boss?" was on.
And no one had to really say, like, "Well, who is the boss," because the pants were tight and dicks were visible.
So, I mean, you could just see a boss coming before he started coming.
Yeah, that's my America.
Applaud me now.
[ Thinking ] Don't say "the wind is someone's breath.
" Don't say "the wind is someone's breath.
" Don't say "the wind is someone's breath.
" Don't say "the wind is someone's breath.
" Don't say "the wind is someone's breath.
" Mr.
Roberts? [ Wind howling ] [ Laughter ] So what did you say back to him? Well, when I was a kid, this sort of thing would happen when I was on vacation.
Every time - I know, right?! Like, every time you'd be trying to sleep and the rats would come in and start scratching around.
Uh, no, not that.
Uh, I'd meet a boy and have a summer romance Just like now, with Todd.
I feel like it's kind of a Feel like it's the rats all over again, right? Eating your Hydrox cookies because you've taken them out of the pantry so your step-dad won't eat them.
But now the rats are eating them, and for a second, you have a flash that your step-dad is a huge rat.
Uh-huh, been there! [ Chuckles ] Um, let her finish.
Well, I tried to tell Todd that even though he was a nice kisser and all Right, right, right! You had to tell him, "Hey, get out of here, step-dad rat! These are my Hydrox! You go eat [bleep] Oreos with all their gelatin! Stop eating my kosher cookies!" Dude, you're such a cutter-offer.
And you're a rat.
Girl's night! [ Chuckles lightly ] Right? Flutes ain't cute They're terrifying Let me tell you what they be symbolizing Uh, death, uh, meth Um, stress, uh, Macbeth And birds Bird of pre-e-e-e-e-y I like options.
I like to use every possible app and feature known to man.
If my car has features, I use them.
If there are presets, I follow their lead.
I like TVs that assume that I like stretched and distorted pictures.
I like my baked potato loaded, my remote control loaded, my web browser search suggestion bar loaded.
My air conditioner confusing, my stereo system unusably complicated with options and actual bells and whistles.
I like my menus to list every material ever eaten by a human being ever.
I like my bed to be heated, adjustable, combustible, and conversational.
I like my house to lock me out.
I like my cops to be called by my shower.
I like my massage chair to report to my therapist who is CCed on every Amazon purchase, which, by the way, are randomly selected for me daily by a Filipino robot.
I love knobs, buttons, levers, toggles, switches, menus, sub-menus, logic trees, and hidden interfaces with key preferences buried deep away Deep, deep, deep in the womb of the simplest of gadgets.
I like to keep my life as optional as possible.
[ Patriotic tune being whistled ] [ All yelling ] - Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo! - Whoo! Whoo! I know you're, like, super-stoked about adopting that dog, but that's not how we did it when I was a girl.
When I was a girl, I was the dog, and everyone wanted to adopt me.
Okay, but I was, like, all into adoption kennels because I got I got I got shampooed and there was a hamster there who knew all this deep [bleep] about Israel.
I mean, I mean, by all means adopt, it's okay.
It's just a different world than when I was a girl.
Yes, I called it! I get to watch the yelling channel.
[ Screaming ] Here's what I'm always getting stuck in drawers and cabinets.
My fat gets stuck Oh, no! My wrist gets jammed Oh, no! My wood get struck Oh, no! My wrists get slammed Oh, no! My dangles get snagged Oh, no! My draggers get pinched Oh, no! My tangles get jabbed Oh, no! My saggers get wrenched Oh, no! My gigantic lobes get smashed Oh, no! My expansive hang-downs get mushed Oh, no! My titanic Leonardos get mashed Oh, no! My man-glanded totem get smushed Oh, my God.
Anyone else? [ Crickets chirping ] [ Fire crackling ] [ Hip-hop playing ]