Brassic (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Very clever
Right, who's responsible?!
O'Neill, sir.
- Vincent?
- Nothing to do with me, sir.
Oh, really?
So, Carl's lying, is he?
Yeah, he's lying.
And he better take it back,
cos that's thingy liable.
- Slander.
- Slander.
Come up here!
Show me your hands
- What?
- HANDS!
- I can explain
- Caught red-handed.
You're a liar, O'Neill,
and liars need to be punished.
Here we go
Say sorry to Humfrey.
Thing is, Mr Bates,
he's essentially a trainer.
Yes
And if he doesn't get an apology,
he gets TREMENDOUSLY ANGRY!
All right, I'm sorry! To Humfrey!
Sorry trainer.
- Say his name!
- I'm not saying his name!
- Does he have to say his name?
- Yes!
Thanks, dickheads!
- Say it, O'Neill!
- Shut up, you dog-bumming twat!
- Say sorry to the shoe!
- I'm not apologising to footwear!
Sorry to the shoe,
sorry to the shoe!
Sorry to the shoe!
Sorry to the shoe!
The best things in life are free ♪
You're a thief, O'Neill,
always were and always will be!
That's what I want ♪
That's what I want ♪
That's what I want ♪
Sorry, shoe
That's what I want ♪
That's what I want ♪
That's what I want ♪
Aren't you practically
Terence's bitch now, though,
you doing all the work,
while he takes all the profit.
No, I am not Terence's bitch.
He's a fucking ENT-repreneur.
Yeah, ent entrepreneur.
Entrepreneur,
investing in our start-up company.
Which means better facilities,
better weed
Fucking hell,
we're moving up a league here.
Hang on, sweetheart.
Don't get me wrong,
it's great we're
Terence's top supplier,
but I'm a businessman now,
and businessmen
have responsibilities.
Like fucking what?
Like sorting out this place.
Look at it.
There's spliff butts
in every crevice,
used condom in the hand-drier,
some idiot's been cold-lunching
by the fire exit.
- You Hawley's Larry Flynt or something?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Dickhead, I'm doing this for us.
I mean, fair do's,
I might be managing director,
but we're all stakeholders, yeah,
and its success
relies on our shared efforts.
Which is why
I was hoping you might
come somewhere with me.
Come somewhere with yer? Like where?
Little, uh, trip out.
Like where?
I'm planning a room in the back,
for, you know specialist clients.
A blue room, if you will.
And I've got this vision in my mind.
I want it kitted out
in a very particular way.
Who's gonna want to
eat their dinner off that?
They're perfect.
Look at the detail.
Little willy sculptures
all across the top of it.
Hmm.
Hey, I tell who'd like these,
you know
Fucking McCann.
Oi! Eyes off, sunshine!
Use your bloody head.
He loves a pervy antique.
It'll keep him sweet, won't it.
All right, how's about
you take these drawers.
There's fuck all erotic
about 'em, dude.
Check out the side.
Christ
Look
Big snizz on it.
That is that's pornographic, that.
That's disgusting.
Hey, hey, hey
It's a thing of beauty, that is.
It's a work of art, the female twat.
You help me with the rest.
The drawers are yours.
All right
So, when they shifting 'em?
The museum can't afford
expensive storage arrangements,
so I'm reliably informed they're
sticking them in non-descript boxes
and whacking 'em in shipping
containers in the staff car park.
- With no security?
- They've got security.
CCTV, guard with a dog
- What kind of dog?
- A fucking labradoodle!
What'd you mean,
what kind of fucking dog?
If it's a fucking Rottweiler,
they're trained to grab by the throat.
We'll bring some dog food.
There's a thing you can get,
a dart gun, tranquiliser.
Yes, exactly.
Shoot that up its arse
and we're good to go.
Right you know what I'm gonna ask.
Is this worth it?
All of this trouble for some
weird crap for his perv room?
Have a bit of vision,
for once in your fucking life, mate.
We could be
the next Hustler Club, yeah.
And it's the class and attention
to detail that's gonna get us there.
- Vinnie?
- I'm up for it.
Anything that doesn't involve
being in disguise
or in fear for my fucking life.
- Grand, yeah.
- Count me out.
- Yeah me, too.
- Just the three of us, then.
The Three Musketeers,
all for one and one for fucking all.
Where's Cardi?
Cardi!
Car
- Hello.
- Hello.
What's all that shit on your face?
- Have you been tanning?
- No.
- Yeah, you have
- Oi, oi.
What's he wearing?
What's this man got on?
You know when you've been tangoed.
Right, come on do some explaining.
I'm just busy, all right.
I'm not always av-ailable, you know.
Sometimes I do have
other things going on in my life.
Yeah? Like what?
Cardi Cardi, come on. Come on.
Have to do a second coat
Oh, how are you, Vinnie?
She does this with all the fellas.
We're having a spa day
at home today, aren't we, Cardi
Uh, well, it's, um
Oh, it's all going on today.
Jacuzzi, massage, facials
Might even do a cucumber
body wrap later, if we've the time.
Oh, cucumber body wrap?
Right, well, listen
Have a lovely time.
Uh what are you doing?
Go back to your tanning, you.
You're patchy.
Have a good time! Oh, we will!
How much do you want
for your tooth?
Thirty pounds.
Thirty bloody quid?
You can have a fiver
if I can touch it.
Gross
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Good to have you back.
Yeah, it's good to be back.
Thanks for bringing him
to come and see me,
when I was stuck in that hole.
That little face kept me going.
Why don't you go
and play upstairs for a bit?
Go on. Bog off.
- We were worried about you.
- Hmm
I've been worried about me.
I had some dark days.
But him
I really love that boy.
I know.
Right
Gotta go to Jake's
bloody dinner party now.
- See you later.
- See you.
Right, Sugar should be back, OK.
She'll put him to bed.
- OK.
- All right, bye, baby.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Enjoy your time.
Aww, bloody snuggles, eh?
What film do you wanna watch?
Hey, Vin.
What can I do you for?
I don't know, man
Do you ever wish
you could just,
you could just tell people things.
You know
If things were just different,
you could tell 'em
and they'd be happy,
and you'd be happy.
No Fuck
- Do you know what I mean?
- I know exactly what you mean.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm seeing this new woman, Casandra.
Total fitness freak.
It's all organic wheatgrass
and tantric vaginal Pilates.
Look what she's got me wearing.
Look at it.
- What's that?
- Detox patch.
- She says it realigns my chi.
- Right.
But I'm hooked, Vin.
I'm obsessed with her.
I'm ABSOLUTELY obsessed with her.
She's like fragrant Viagra.
- All right
- The sex is amazing
I'm happy I'm happy for you.
Fucking nice knees.
Amazing AMAZING.
But the intercourse, Vincent
Oh, my God!
God, I wish you could just
I wish you could experience
I wish you could take a day,
step inside my body,
take control of my chopper and
- Just profound
- Chris
- Stop, STOP!
- Sensational!
Chris, stop!
Shut the fuck
You've gone too far again!
Why the fuck would I wanna be
your dick for a day?
You hijack these fucking sessions
every time.
Talking about fucking sheilas
sloppy blow jobs or whatever.
- All right. Quite right.
- Let's reverse these roles.
You're the doctor, I'm the patient.
Do you know what I mean?
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Sorry, Vin.
Sorry.
So, how are you?
I miss my kid.
Well, it's not my kid.
It's the mother of my kid.
She's amazing.
I just I wasn't such a
What is wrong Oi.
What?
Just tell me about your
tantric minge sex, then.
No. Go on. Carry on.
I was listening.
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
You were looking at
your fucking screen.
- What you looking at?
- Nothing on it.
Nothing here. There's no need to
- There! There! There!
- There's nothing on it!
Motherfucker!
I don't know why I let you
talk me into these things.
Cos you love it, that's why.
- Do we all know what we're doing?
- Yeah Sound.
Oh, fucking hell, dude
Nearly took my fucking hand off.
You great knobhead,
what are you doing wearing that?
Reverse psychology.
Ah, I've always wanted to
use one of these, lads.
Where the fuck did you
get that from?
- Kitty Mclean.
- Cat burglar?
That's him, yeah.
He got a job lot one Christmas.
He only charged me
a tenner for that.
Argh!
Fuck's sake!
Quiet, dude!
Jesus! Quiet?
You've fucking gashed my head open!
- It didn't clasp.
- Maybe that's why it were a tenner.
Here, let me have a look.
There's fuck all there, man.
- Are you sure?
- Shut the fuck up.
Oh, the sun-drenched
French girls won't relate ♪
To a frozen glare
from the Northern State ♪
Dreamin' of fat, happy babies ♪
Kickin' ladies on the Metro now ♪
Woo ♪
- Have you got the tranquiliser gun?
- I have it here.
- Where do you shoot it?
- In the arse.
All right, now listen
For fuck sake, don't miss.
Last thing we need is an angry dog.
- I won't.
- All right
Fuck me
Shit
Vin What? Look.
Who the fuck are they?
I used to think
life's a bitter pill ♪
But it's a grand old time ♪
Jake tells me you're running a
local wine bar alongside your studies.
Impressive.
Well, I wouldn't call it
a wine bar
- It's an evening drinkery.
- Great.
We must come down.
Charlton and I love an excuse
to get out and about.
Yeah, that'd be great.
What's it called?
- It's called The Rat and
- Ratatouille.
- Right. Fantastic.
- Mmm.
Amazing cocktails.
Mum loves a cocktail, don't you
Death in the Afternoon.
It's what Hemingway used to drink.
Motherfuckers
- Who the fuck are they?!
- No idea.
Who told you about the gear
being kept here?
You remember Sheridan,
my sister's chiropodist?
- No.
- Yeah, you do. Big lass, grey hair.
Shiny forehead.
Anyway, her cousin
Rellaine, like Brelaine
Who's Rellaine?
You met her,
but you were off your face.
Good night, that, won't it.
Anyway, she's going out with Ian.
Remember Ian?
I do know Ian.
- Massive hair.
- Yeah
Fucking hell. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah
It doesn't make any difference,
whoever it was.
They have blabbed,
and now these wankers
are nicking all our gear.
- Shall we just bail?
- And let them have it?
- What's the option?
- They're fucking armed.
- Fucking armed, JJ?
- Yes! Armed!
Are we seriously gonna
get ourselves killed
- for some chairs with dicks on?
- No!
Hey, hey, hey erotic curiosities.
All right?
If I wanted a chair with dicks on,
I'd speak to your barber.
Why you always dissing my barber?
Can you tell him please Oi
Listen to me.
We're professional thieves.
Ashley, we're professional thieves.
We can't have people turning
up before us, just nicking our shit.
You know what I mean?
Let's get back in the van.
All right, they're coming. Get down.
Fuck's sake Christ.
Why did you duck in my direction?
Same fucking spot,
are you kidding me?
Right, come on, follow 'em.
Yeah, that's it,
fucking nine-point turn, Ashley.
You sexy idiot, what are you doing?!
You fucking big fat hand
Moron
Send me a postcard, darling ♪
How can I make you understand? ♪
What's going on?
Why are we slowing down?
Why the fuck are we slowing
What are you doing?!
It's a red light.
Never mind red light!
We're gonna fucking lose 'em!
We're not gonna lose them.
They've gone straight ahead
in a massive green van
We're in a covert criminal pursuit
and you're obeying the Highway Code!
- It'll be a few seconds.
- Fuck, dude.
- Taking a while, aren't they
- Go through the red light!
The road's completely deserted!
Fine Green.
Oh, nice one, you bellend!
That's you stressing me out!
- I'm fucking stressing you out?
- Constantly on at me!
START THE VAN!
- I'm starting the fucking van!
- Swap seats
- Fucking go!
- They've gone red again!
You're jiggling
Before loneliness
will break my heart ♪
Send me a postcard, darling ♪
Send me a postcard, darling ♪
Send me a postcard, darling ♪
Right, now, listen.
The element of surprise
is our best friend here.
They're not gonna be expecting
us turning up, nicking their gear, so
Stealth.
Ashley!
Oh, shit!
Right, I'll take left,
you take right.
You shit
I can't see!
Ow! My eyes!
It's me, you daft
- How many fingers
- One.
Brilliant. That'll do. In the van.
Get in in the fucking van
Get in, JJ!
Wait! Hey!
That's not fucking JJ!
JJ?!
Go, go, go
I'll get the other van!
Hi, Erin.
Hi
- Arr-on?
- It's, uh it's Aaron.
Like, air-on.
- Anyway, I
- Can I show you something?
- Uh yeah, OK. Where?
- Just
- Through?
- Yeah.
It's our old playroom, me and Jake.
Spent a lot of time in here as kids.
Brothers, you know
- Very competitive with each other.
- I bet.
- You got a sibling?
- Uh, yeah. I've got a brother.
A bit of a moron.
Me and Jake were SO competitive.
But, um
You wanna know something?
Yeah
I'm better than him.
- Right
- At everything, Erin.
I'm a stallion. He's a gelding.
And I've had that confirmed.
So you know
Word.
Look in there.
They haven't even fucking
nicked everything!
Yeah but they took
the drawers, though.
Where's the chairs?
Mate? Eh?
Where's the fucking chaise longue?
Your fault, this is!
- My fault?
- Yes! Your fault!
Follow 'em, he says.
Yeah, cos I thought
they were gonna take it all!
What the fuck
were I supposed to do, dude?
Hang on till they'd gone, take
whatever they didn't want?
Bollocks!
This is a cock-up, this.
I'm having them drawers.
Like fuck you're having them.
Them's for McCann.
Why do you want drawers
in your pervy sex room, anyway?
- What you gonna fucking keep in 'em?
- Lots of things, actually, mate.
Lube
Do you know what,
just fucking have 'em!
Right, I'm off.
I've got a headache, yeah?
Cos this bellend here dropped
a ship's anchor on my bonnet
- Don't storm off.
- No, mate Took it too far.
Don't storm
What the fuck are you laughing at?
Your eyes are fucked, dude.
Get in the van.
- I don't need that shit, Jake.
- I know
- Do you know what I mean?
- It's just Aaron.
He
He's got a weird sense of humour.
Yeah, it's fucking weird.
I'll talk with him.
Look, go back in
have a drink.
Please.
- OK
- Thank you.
Do you, um Do you like 'em?
Where'd you get 'em?
Fell into my possession.
- Where?
- The museum.
Someone robbed the museum,
so we robbed them.
Stolen items
There's gonna be
a whole shitshow, Vin.
This is Regency, 1800s.
Right
- Shall I Shall I give 'em back?
- Give 'em back?
No, you will not
fucking give 'em back.
This is a very nice piece
of furniture.
Huh
But it can't come in the house.
I know a man who can
look after it for me.
I'll give him a call in the morning.
- Can you hang on to it until tomorrow?
- Yeah, course, yeah.
Good lad.
Now get the fuck out of here.
What the fuck's this?
Sometimes there's SO MUCH snow,
like last year.
So much snow,
they had to close the slopes
Am I all right to get some water?
- Two minutes.
- Thank you.
Another day ♪
Oh, what a wonder ♪
Oh, what a waste ♪
It's a Monday ♪
It's so mundane ♪
What exciting things
will happen today? ♪
All of a sudden ♪
I'm having trouble breathing in ♪
I'm having trouble breathing in ♪
I'm having trouble breathing in ♪
All right, this is Dylan.
Leave a message,
unless you're Vinnie.
I'm having trouble breathing in ♪
- Oh, fuck!
- I'm armed!
It's fucking me, you knobhead!
There's five of us in here!
Oh, yeah, and two two dogs!
So, whoever you are,
you're outnumbered!
It's me!
I know my rights!
Oh, fuck!
I can blow your brains out and
no judge in the land'll convict me!
It's fucking It's Vinnie!
Put the fucking gun down!
- Vinnie?
- Yeah!
Oh, what you doing?
I thought you were
an immigrant!
Why the fuck would I
be immigrants?
What do you want?
I thought you were going
back to your shack.
Yeah, I know, but
It's not a bed and breakfast, Vin.
I'm not Airbnb.
I mean, I didn't mind
when your dick was on the line,
but you're just taking the piss now.
I know, but fuck I need a favour.
Come on!
Now, be careful!
Don't rip the wallpaper!
Are you fucking serious?
Did you wipe your feet, coming in?
- Your carpets are so fucked up, dude.
- That's vintage, that carpet.
And don't scratch the paintwork.
Don't scratch the edge, dude.
- Where are we putting it?
- In the guest room.
- What fucking guests do you have?
- Hey, I have guests!
- Like who?
- Like fucking People of note!
People you wouldn't even
never have heard of!
Honestly, four months
I've been in that weed shed,
you've had a fucking guest room
this entire time
- Stop fucking moaning.
- Unbelievable.
Fucking Jesus Christ
- What?
- It's a bit patriotic, in't it?
All my own work.
I got someone in for that.
An Englishman's home is his castle.
Sing the national anthem
and I'll let you stay the night.
Christ
It's like AirBNP.
Knobhead
Oh!
- I hope she isn't pretty.
- Why?
Because. For you.
What's better,
he's going out with an absolute minger?
- Hiya
- Hi.
Pretend not to look,
but I think I'm being followed.
Followed?
By your ex? Or
by secret police?
Uh by stalkers.
- Stalkers?
- Mmm.Oh.
Oh, no
- They're kissing.
- Oh, great.
It wasn't passionate.
Well, have they stopped?
Hang on
No. Still going.
Uh, I think
I think you've made your point.
I haven't.
- Now?
- Still going.
Still
Oh, she is pretty
Wait Oh, no. Still.
They've stopped.
Jesus
- Oh, do you think they saw us?
- How should I know?!
This is fucking crazy!
What am I doing?
He doesn't want her.
He's just trying to
make you jealous.
Sugar, I got rid of his kid.
I broke his heart, right
We're done.
I need to get on with my life.
Come on.
What?!
Where's Vinnie?
- He's in bed, why?
- He's wanted.
So, go and get him out your bed
and into my car.
He's not in my bed!
Do I look like
I sleep with younger men?
Do I?
Do I look like some kind of
fucking perv?!
Just fucking get him.
Inside. Now.
Call me suspicious, Vin,
but the very night you bring round
some rare drawers to my house,
this happens
Yeah, fuck, it's connected.
These are the dickheads
we robbed them off.
- This is my home!
- I know
- I'm really sorry. Did they break in?
- No, too much security.
And this clown
fell over a chiminea.
Woke up my wife.
They legged it.
I was just trying to do
a good thing, I
- Can I fix it?
- How?
Fuck, I don't know
I just can't fathom how they
The jacket
Look
Fucking phone
I dumped this in here last night.
They've found it,
assumed the drawers
were in your house.
I'll fix it. I'm sorry.
Hang on, stop
Why would they go to all this
trouble for a set of drawers?
Why don't we ring 'em up,
tell 'em we've got their drawers,
tell them we want five hundred quid,
and then when they come,
we jump them.
Find out who they are.
- What if they're armed?
- Armed?
What is it with you
and armed at the moment?
This bleeding thing
has a passcode on it.
Statistically, you're four times
more likely to get stabbed
than get cystitis.
- Where the fucks that? Los Cabos?
- The UK, man. I'm telling you.
Yeah, statistically,
that sounds like total nonsense.
Why don't we just leave the phone on
at a new location
and see if they come again.
- Where are the drawers now?
- Jim's farm.
Right, so, we go there and we wait.
If they see their van, they'll think
they're in business, it's perfect.
All right, lads.
Oh, it's fucking getting worse.
She even did a makeover on Nigel.
Look
He smells like lavender, dude.
THIS is exactly why
I don't get into relationships.
In case you get heavily made over?
They always try and change you,
don't they.
I say to women now,
"This is who I am.
Take it or leave it."
- And that doesn't put them off, no?
- It does, yeah
How'd you fancy a night-long
stakeout in a shitty pig shed?
Can we have coffee and doughnuts?
Can have as many as you want, mate.
- And no wheatgrass.
- There will be no wheatgrass.
Yes
No more wheatgrass!
All right
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with P.
- P.
- Pig.
Why would it be
We've had pig twice.
Piss-take, lads.
We have to sit in this cold barn
when there's a lovely warm
farmhouse round the corner.
- Swill?
- That's a fucking S!
- Pigswill?
- No!
- Pricks!
- I didn't know you were playing!
Who last used my indoor bog?
- Why?
- I'll tell you why.
Cos someone's left an unsinkable.
I'm not having it, Vin.
It's just sitting there, rent-free,
like it fucking lives there.
- Just pump the handle!
- I've pumped the fucking handle!
Who's the perpetrator?
Oh, like that, is it?
Well, fine I've got all night.
But I'll tell you this
No one leaves this room
until the culprit's found!
Phf! Intense!
Hmm
I thought it was gone.
Well, it fucking hasn't!
- What've you been eating?
- Mainly protein.
Get back in there!
Knife and fork! Deal with it!
Hey, Ashley, chop, chop.
Oi, lads
Lads, there's someone round there.
Oh
You, you bastard!
Stay calm!
Stay calm!
Don't panic! Stop fighting! Stop it!
Just settle down, man.
We're not gonna hurt you.
We're just gonna ask you
some questions, all right.
- Evening.
- What the fuck are you doing here?!
Trying to find my post rammer!
I know you've had it off me!
Have I balls!
Stainless steel, solid metal cap.
I saw him admiring it.
He's talking crap!
Post rammer? I'll ram you!
- What?
- What?
- With my fist!
- Oh
Fucking hell
What you all doing, anyway?
Sneaking around in the dark,
sticking bags on heads
We're expecting visitors. Thieves.
- Thieves?
- Yeah.
Told you they were coming, did they?
In a manner of speaking,
they did, yeah.
I just passed a
bunch of posh blokes
with their car stuck in a ditch,
but they didn't look like thieves.
- Where were this?
- Down the lane.
Posh cursing, they were.
Looked like they needed
a nice rioja hey!
The hardest button to button ♪
The hardest button to button ♪
- Need any help, fellas?
- We're fine, thank you.
Oh, no, no, no We insist.
"We"?
Shit! Run!
No way
Mr Bates!
Vinnie!
Vincent O'Neill.
You taught me History.
He taught me History, this geezer.
- Vincent how's it going?
- Yeah, I'm doing all right.
How's your dad?
He's fucked.
Still an alcoholic, in't he?
- How you doing? You still teaching?
- Early retirement.
Yeah?
I assume you've all come for
the erotic drawers, have yer?
Why'd you want 'em?
Well, they're just very appealing,
aren't they?
Yeah
- We're enthusiasts, aren't we, chaps?
- Yeah, yeah.
Sounds like bollocks.
In school, we're always
taught not to lie, aren't we?
- You did, though. Often.
- Oi, that's not the point
We want the truth.
We can either do it the easy way
or the hard way.
So, why do you want
the erotic drawers?
It's your time you're wasting.
All right, fuck it. Torture 'em.
Everyone grab someone beige.
Wait! No, no! Get off!
Fill that bucket and flick his ears.
Ow!
Never mind "ow"
Gonna go and get my cane.
I swear to God, I'm not gonna
stop till someone cracks here.
You're in Guantanamo now, lads.
Don't make me start on your feet.
That house you tried to rob
belongs to Terence McCann,
and if you don't know who that is,
let me tell you,
you don't want him in your life.
You've done well for yourself,
Vinnie thief, hostage taker.
Maybe if you'd made your lessons
a bit more interesting,
I'd have paid more attention.
Do you know what we used to
call you in school? Masterbater.
Smelly-Belly Dog Breath. Fuck Face.
The Drone.
Because of the droney way
you'd harp on, man.
Well, Carl Slater
liked my lessons,
and he's done
very well for himself.
Carl Slater bums dog, don't he?
I tell you what,
bell him up and tell him
you've been nicking antiques.
Let's see how much he wants to be
your pal then.
You becoming a thief
I mean, honestly, might be the most
interesting thing you've ever done.
You're middle-aged men.
You should be home, real ale,
discussing cruise holidays
I don't know what you do.
There's a reason
you've all gone to these lengths.
And I wanna know why.
Take their shoes off.
No, no, no, no! OK, OK, OK! OK!
We're a secret history group.
We're all of us experts
in different fields.
And we go deep
into historical research.
We've discovered
a little-known secret
about the drawers
in your possession.
It could be apocryphal
- What does that mean?
- Made-up.
The story goes that the maker of
the furniture, Emmanuel Dasigie,
was so fearful his work
would be seized,
that he hid some of
his more extreme creations.
The story goes that,
before his death, he drew a map.
Concealed it inside
a piece of furniture in his house.
We believe
it's inside those drawers.
- Are you for real?
- Treasure map. That's unbelievable.
Craziest thing I've ever heard.
It's fairy tale stuff.
So, you stole the drawers
to try and find the map.
Untie him.
Just him.
Oi! Feet!
Fuck sake, dude.
You've been told a load of crap.
There's no fucking map here, man.
It must be! It has to be!
All our evidence suggests
Try those legs!
- I've tried the legs!
- Well, twist them! Press them!
I've tried! It's concealed!
It has to be here somewhere!
No! There's nothing!
Looks like your story
was apocalyptic after all.
Hey, hang about
That line see it?
It's not the same colour
as the rest of the wood.
That's not a flush join.
He's right
What about
We'll give it a little
Oh
Oh, fuck. No way
No fucking way, man.
Call me a genius.
I might be a simple farmer,
but I'm an Englishman
All right.
with an Englishman's heart.
Jim, Jim, Jim! Shut the fuck up!
That's a fucking map!
No, no, no, no, no
This is OUR plan,
and you boys just stumbled upon it.
Yeah, well,
that might be the case,
but we're
professional thieves ish.
You know
And you lot are fucking useless.
Hardly!
We got the drawers, didn't we?
Yeah yeah, you did.
And then we nicked 'em off you.
And you knocked over a fucking chiminea,
robbing the wrong
- Chiminea.
- Chim-in-ea, robbing the wrong house.
And then you got
your fucking car stuck in a ditch.
He's got a point.
And if you rob that stately home,
you're all gonna get caught
and no one's finding shit.
So, here's what I propose
Now, I'd say nine out of ten
of our jobs go
Seven, if you're lucky.
Seven out of ten of our jobs
Six-and-a-half, innit, really.
Well six.
Six out of ten of our jobs
go relatively well.
And up till now, none of yours have.
All right?
So, you either say yeah,
and potentially come away
with a bit of loot here,
or you say no,
I tell Terence McCann your names,
we let the fucking cards fall
where they may, what you saying?
OK
- But we come with you
- Yeah
On the job.
This is OUR adventure,
and we want to be there.
Absolutely not.
You've got more chance
of seeing a one legged-dog
shitting on a frozen pond.
That's fucking final.
This is fun!
Thanks for letting us come!
Shh! Lads! Lads!
Just shut the fuck up!
We're on a fucking robbery!
All right, listen
Positions.
You two take the right,
you two are gonna take the left.
You keep dog eye
while we do the cutting, all right?
If you see anyone, walkie-talkies.
Go on.
Check this out
Couple of bloody pros here.
We're gonna be in here
in five minutes.
Last one.
Do you see what I mean?
Do you see what I mean
Oh, shit!
Move it! Hurry the fuck up, dude!
It's my knees
- Well, that's it. We've blown it.
- We need to get out of here.
Honestly,
that's an amateur response.
What we're gonna do,
we're gonna stay here, all right?
Right here, quiet.
- What?
- Christ
I said,
"We're gonna stay here, quiet."
Ah
Cos pound to a penny, no fucker
comes out tonight to reset that system.
Cos I'm a cowboy ♪
On a steel horse, I ride ♪
Had a thought earlier.
Yeah?
We could have just come
during visiting hours.
You what?
I mean we didn't need to
break in, did we?
We could have just paid
and walked in as tourists.
That's a much better idea.
Sandman, come in Sandman.
This is Beaver Three.
Any sign of intruders, Beaver Three?
Negative. Over.
Has the site been penetrated,
Beaver Three?
Negative, Sandman.
No sign of penetration.
Then I suggest
we leave this to the morning shift.
Affirmative, Sandman. Over.
Oh
Show me ♪
Show me ♪
- Do you know, this
- Yeah?
This is like a proper
Like, Indiana Jones
Shit.
You've fucking broke that now,
ain't you, you bellend?
S-s-ssorry
Can only take you somewhere twice.
Once is to apologise.
Now get the fuck down there.
Right according to the map,
secret door's
somewhere across that wall there
And the mechanism for said door
is up there.
Right, who fancies lifting me up?
Not you.
Right. Go on, Tom.
Oh, oh
Fucking hell
It's stuck.
Try again.
Do you think?
Cos I was just gonna fuck it off
after all this trouble, go home.
- Lemon.
- Christ, you've a bony arse.
I told him that last week.
- Why were you feeling his arse?
- You're killing my shoulders, Vin.
Well, know what, your big fat head's
mashing my balls to smithereens.
We've all got
our fucking crosses to bear.
Got it.
Oh
- You've got it. It's open.
- You've done it.
Put me down, Ash.
Mr Bates, get the fuck out of way
Let's all queue up,
like we did at school.
Ah!
Come on, lads
This is doing nothing
for my claustrophobia.
It's like a Berlin sex party.
There's something ahead,
an opening!
Like I say
It's here! It's bloody here!
The secret room!
We've found it!
Holy shit
Such an adventure
Fuck
It's a cleaning rota.
No one's been here
since 197-fucking-5.
Fucking coffee cups
and shit like a bed down there.
This is where the staff
came to skive off, this.
It can't be!
All our research suggests this is
Emmanuel's secret storage space.
All your research, eh?
I'm sure Emanuel
is up in heaven right now,
laughing himself silly over this,
sat in a massive cock-shaped harp.
Fuck!
Fuck it
Let's smoke a spliff.
- Cheers, lads.
- Nice one.
Have a good night.
Arr-on. I mean, Aaron
hat you doing here?
Is this
I thought you worked in a wine bar.
- The chances of this
- Mmm
Incredible coincidence.
- How about I buy you a drink?
- How about you go home?
Oh, hang on
We got off to a bad start.
I apologise.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- No, thanks. I'm good.
Your choice.
But if you're gonna be
serious with my brother,
we need to at least get on.
- How much is entry?
- Ten.
Tenner it is.
Thank you.
I hope they look like you in there.
Hey Hi.
Um
- It's over.
- What?
Me and you, Jake. It's over.
OK, I'm sorry. It's just
It's not right.
We're done.
- Erin, I
- No, Jake.
Jake, you know it yourself,
all right?
It's
I'm sorry.
It's over.
Erin
When I was young,
younger than before ♪
I never saw the truth
hanging from the door ♪
- Right
- Go on, sod off, then.
I need my bed.
It was fun, that.Mmm
An adventure.
It's what we do, innit?
Adventures.
It's an important lesson that,
though.
You can't always come away
with gold, can you?
No
But
sometimes
you can find
silver.
Where'd you find that?
Found it in the, uh
secret room.
You know,
when we were having a spliff.
No way
I didn't want
them teachers to have it.
I wanted to give it to you.
Eh? No, no, no
I can't take that off you.
That's finders keepers.
No, no
I want you to.
Cos, uh
You know
You've been sad.
I'm really glad, uh,
that you're alive again.
Me, too.
Love you, mate.
- I love you, dude.
- I love you, too, man.
- Look after yourself, yeah?
- All right
Go on. Sod off.
I once had a life ♪
Or rather, life had me ♪
I was one among many,
or at least I seemed to be ♪
Well, I read an old quotation
in a book ♪
Right, get your shit together.
Get your shit together,
we'll get out the fuck out of here.
Cardi, come on.
I'll buy you a kebab
on the way home all right.
Can you get to that? ♪
Why don't you try a change of scene?
See if that has any effect
on your dreams.
Why don't you stop here tonight?
You'd have the whole pub
to yourself.
They're all coked-up!
Oh
Some fucker's in the cellar.
What are you doing, anyway?
Oh fuck!
Just chilling.
This is my friend Dylan.
- Hi.
- Hi
I made the woman I love
shit her pants.
Wow.