Brassic (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

1
There's no room!
Dad? Dad?
- Dad?
- There's no room!
No, no, no. No.
Fuck, Dad, please?
- I told you, there's no room.
- Fuck!
Told you. Find some place else.
Fuck!
Fuck!
What do you think?
I'd have used flame-throwers.
What you Wh-What?
- Flamethrowers, against the zombies.
- No. I didn't say
Or
Or a crossbow with flaming arrows.
From an elevated position. And you
just pick them off. One by one.
- I didn't say zombies, did I?
- They sound like zombies.
Didn't say zombies. I said they're
like normal-looking people.
Yeah, but what if the zombies
have developed the ability to
disguise themselves
as normal people?
It's like three times,
I've told you now that
they're not zombies
and it's just not sinking in.
They were normal-looking people.
And the reason I'm having
these fucked-up dreams,
it's cos of all them
pills you've put me on.
If you pick me up and shook me,
I'd sound I'm like a maraca.
You can point your finger at
the meds for your sleep distribution,
but the content of your dreams,
that's between you
and your subconscious.
And there's environmental
considerations.
Well, like what?
Like living alone in the big,
dark woods smoking fat blunts
and watching the serial killer
documentaries till you fall asleep.
I find 'em fucking fascinating.
Soothing.
Look, why don't you try
a change of scene?
Go and stay somewhere else, see if
that has any effect on your dreams.
Or, failing that, buy yourself
a flame-thrower.
For fuck's sake.
Do you want to see something horrible?
Yeah. Go on.
I had this patient in today.
Have you seen the Elephant Man?
Yeah, I've seen the Elephant Man,
yeah.
John Merrick.
Makes John Merrick look like
Linda Lusardi. Watch this.
Oh, fuck.
Wait till I zoom in.
I couldn't do anything with it.
I went through three knives!
I shouldn't show it to you.
Oh, I hate myself.
Jim's got a spare room.
Yeah, but it's But it's a racist
room. Do you know what I mean?
I can't be staying in a racist room,
it's gonna make me feel worse.
- Stay at mine, if you like.
- I not staying at yours
- Fuck.Sorry.
- Why would I stay at yours?
You've got I'm sorry.
Come on.
You've got a llama,
there's fucking Carol.
I just I need my own space.
You don't like sharing
a toilet is more like it.
No, I don't like sharing a toilet,
Dylan, because I'm a shy
I'm I'm a shy poo-er
and I don't like the
idea someone could just
fucking blaze
on in on me, mid-squit.
Why don't you stop here tonight?
Kath and Sandra are
off to see Tinsley in Rhyl.
- You'd have the whole pub to yourself.
- Yeah?
Kath's room.
The decor is a bit niche,
but she has a lovely, comfy bed.
Ashley, where the fuck is everyone?
I've got the pub to myself here
and everyone has deserted me.
I'm with Tommo.
Helping him out with something.
Oh yeah? What's the big mystery?
Er, nothing, no, no.
It's, er, just this thing.
What thing?
I borrowed 50 quid off him,
there last week
and now he's got me
paying it back, doing a bunch of
'entertaining' for these old girls.
Ha ha! You're joking?
I wish I was.
Right! Chop-chop.
Show time! Now, then
I have to go, Vin.
I want you to get out there
and give those lovely ladies
a fucking night to remember.
Here. Do summat sexy with it.
He loves it, really.
Ah, that's it.
Go on! Gerrin!
Gina will be in first thing to
clean. I'll be in from ten to open up.
Right.
- Night love.
- Night, love.
Hm
What the neighbours didn't realise was
that Robinson had, in fact,
killed his mother
several years earlier and
and slept alongside
her mummified remains in her bed.
During a search of the property,
the police uncovered the remains of
12 bodies that had been dismembered,
as well as a trophy wall
featuring framed photographs
of each of his victims
victims throughout their own
homes in the dead of night.
It's like
a self-perpetuating nightmare.
My fucking subconscious is out
to get me or summat.
- Hm?
- Fuck me Dyldo?
- Are you listening, you?
- No, I am.
All right, what did I just say then?
You were going on about zombies
or something.
I didn't say zombies.
I never mentioned zombies.
Nobody listens to me!
Dude, I'm baked man. You know?
What do you want me to say?
I don't fucking know
what I want you to say.
I've just told you
I've just had a brutal dream,
about a group of sinister fucking
joggers.
Wow.
Fuck off!
Dude, it wasn't real, was it?
If it were real, then I'd be more
engaged, but it wasn't, so I'm not.
Oh, lah-di-dah!
Fucking Dylan.
Jesus Christ, forgive me.
Forgive me for not having
a more engaging zombie dream.
- Dylan, the police are downstairs!
- What?
The police are downstairs.
Fuck. Vin, I've got to go.
They want to talk to you.
What? What do they want?
Did they say what it was about?
No, but they don't look happy.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
I'm too high for this. Jesus Christ!
- Dylan?
- Er Er
- Dylan?
- What? What?
Your face was priceless!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Are the police here?
No. It's, erm, it's my parents.
- Oh.
- They've come back with some friends.
Come down and say hi.
Oh, everyone,
this is my friend, Dylan.
- Hello, Dylan.
- Hi.
- Hi, Dylan.
- Hi, Dylan.
Thanks
for, er, well, for coming.
So, where do you come from, Dylan?
Upstairs.
In Sara's bedroom.
No, no. Not doing anything. Just
I was I was just watching her
get changed.
While she got changed.
I was looking right out of the
window for the duration of her being
naked.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Oh.
It's on silent. Erm
I probably should get this.
Hello. Yeah.
Damn. Right, OK.
Well, I Yeah, I guess,
if it is an emergency, then
My friend has He's changed this
as a joke and I don't know how to
Huh!
- Dyl, you don't get it.
- Hey, mate. Yeah.
- You hung up on a brother!
- Yeah, dude, man.
You'll never guess, right, there has
just been some crossed-line thing.
It wasn't ringing then.
Then it did, just now.
So, all right, then, yeah.
Dylan! What a fucker!
So, erm
Sara was telling me that
that this house was
was built in
If I was ever designing a house
like this, I would probably
I'd probably take pictures of this
and copy it, you know.
after the shocking discovery that
neighbours later recalled
having heard strange dull
thudding sounds emanating
from the property
Oh, shit.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Come on.
I have to say, Cardi,
I'm very impressed.
- Oh, do you like it?
- Oh, it's perfect.
- You've gone to so much trouble.
- Well, you're worth it.
I watched a video online which showed
you how to
d-d-de-beard a mussel.
Oh?
You just You take hold of
its beard and tug it, firmly.
Oh, is that right? You have to take
charge of it, do you?
Be firm and dominate it?
Pull its hair and
show it who is the boss?
Ignore it.
It's Vinnie. How did he?
Turn the sound down, at least.
You were telling me
how you used a firm hand.
Oh, yeah. It took us ages
to find the shallots. Right?
Cos I didn't know what they were.
But it turns out they're just like
l-l-little onions.
And the erm
the mussels I just got off John.
John?
You're talking about John the Nose?
That's right.
He tried to sell me, like,
a bag of mussels there,
like, over a week ago.
Yeah. That's right.
Luckily, he still had 'em.
The ones that were on the dash of
his transit van in a carrier bag?
That's the ones, yeah.
Jesus, Cardi.
They're fecking off,
you mad bastard.
You can't be eating shellfish
that's been in a carrier bag
sat on the dash of a
transit van for a week!
- I knew it! I knew they were off.
- Ah.
That'll be why they didn't open.
I had to use pliers.
Oh, fucking Jesus Christ, Cardi!
Oh, fuck! Eurgh!
I'm not going back out there, Tommo.
They may be 90 years old,
but they're fucking rabid.
Come on, mate. Sweetheart
Listen to me.
They're a bit over-excited.
But they're bound to be,
aren't they?
Some of them haven't seen a knob
up close since D-Day.
They're not just over-excited,
Tommo, are they?
They're all coked-up!
What? What's he on about?
Coked-up?
What the fuck are
you on about, you?
I fucking seen you
selling gear to a few of them
old handbags out there,
the rusty old wrist straps.
Listen to me. Sweetheart, right,
you're being paid to entertain.
Right? So mind your own fucking
business and get back out there.
You haven't a fucking chance.
You're not paying me enough
to get molested by a
load of senior citizens.
It's traumatising, Tommo!
They're properly out of control,
Tommo. They've breached the stage!
- Fucking hell.
- Come on.
Ladies
- Stop it! Give me that back!
- No!
Aw, baby!
Fucking hell!
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
That is bad.
I shouldn't have given
them any drugs.
Right, get the fucking door.
Lock it!
Turn that light off.
Turn the lights off!
- Oh, sorry. Oh.
- Oh. Hey.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Er
Vinnie changed my ringtone.
No, things
Things are good. Erm
How's Tyler?
Yeah, he's amazing. As usual.
- Hiya.
- Hey.
Er Er, sorry.
You've met erm
Erin.
- That's Sara, Erin.
- Erin! Hi!
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Oh, you, too, nice to meet you.
- The Erm
- I've heard so much about Tyler.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
Aw, that's nice.
Is he with you?
Oh, no, no, no. Not at this time.
No. It's way past his bed time.
Well, he sounds like
a very special little boy.
Yeah, he is.
Right. Oh.
- OK.
- Hi.
- Er, Sugar, this is
- Sara. Yeah.
It's
- Pleased to meet you.
- Oh.
You're both looking very glam.
Off somewhere nice?
- Yeah, we're crashing a wedding.
- No, not really.
- Just out and about.
- About..
Anyway, we were er
just gonna go.
Yeah, we'd better pay for these.
No, I don't think
Do you want these?
No, no, no.
Just
Erm
- Have a fun night.
- You, too.
Nice meeting you.
- Bye.
- Erm
Yeah.
- You look really fucking glam?
- Oh, don't!
What is she trying to say? Did you
hear what she said about Tyler?
As if he's gonna be in here,
at this time of night.
What kind of mum does she think
I am? She was such a bitch.
Posh bitch! You see the way she kept
pawing at him, as well? Gross!
So insecure. Love, we get it,
you're together.
You don't have
to keep touching him.
No-one's going to try and run off
with him. Proper phoney.
- Sugar
- What?
She was nice.
- She was all right.
- Exactly what he needs.
Deserves.
I mean, just cos
me and Jake didn't work out,
it doesn't mean
that they shouldn't.
You want to know summat, as well?
I actually miss the chaos
of that lot.
Seriously.
You want some chaos?
Do you want some chaos?
Please.
Let's go and get fucking bladdered!
Sane, sane, they're all insane
Fireman's blind,
the conductor is lame
Fuck!
..Clap your hands
Clap your hands ♪
Fuck me.
Shit.
Hello.
Hey, er Hey, D-Man!
Er
Come here a minute.
Oh, I swear, D-Man, you're getting
bigger every time I see you.
Been going to
t'gym, innit, Vinnie. What quarms?
I'll tell you
what fucking quarms, D-Man.
There's someone in the cellar.
What? You're having
a fucking laugh.
No. I'm not having a laugh.
I'm not having a fucking laugh.
There's someone in the cellar.
Well, do you want
to shoot him with this?
Where on earth have you got that?
I never leave the house
without it.
Well, a fucking
An AK-47 is a bit much,
don't you think, D-Man?
What are you being
a little bitch for?
I'm not being a little bitch!
You are being a little bitch.
What the fuck are you even wearing, man?
It's a co-ord. All right?
I'm actually on trend,
I'll have you know.
Are you having spray tans,
as well?
I've had one or two.
I have had one or two.
It's the time of year, D-Man.
It's that time of year.
I'm fucking pasty, dude.
I don't look well. So, yes, I go and
have one or two spray tans.
And she's gradually getting darker.
Do you know, you've pissed me off
now, you've hurt my feelings.
I'm sorry, Vinnie.
I didn't mean .
You have, you've hurt
my fucking feelings.
You come round here
with an AK-47
and you're unreasonable.
I think I think I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave, D-Man.
Don't be like that, Vinnie.
No, no, no. Fucking, that's it now.
That's it. Shouldn't have mentioned
the spray tans.
Really got my back up.
You know I'm sensitive.
Sen Sensitive.
Go on, get out, get out now.
Fuck.
Get out of it, get gone. Get out of
it, you pig! Go on, you cunt.
Fuck me.
Fuck.
All right, whoever you are
I'm gonna give you
to the count of ten.
And then that's That's fucking it,
you're getting it.
One
two
I'd rather go fishing
than out on some date
All you need to go fishing ♪
Come on.
Oh, f-f-fuckkk!
five
Halfway there now, pal.
six, seven
You'll notice I'm racing through it,
cos I don't give a fuck.
nine
and three-quarters
All right, that's ten.
I said this would happen.
I said this would happen.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Shit.
Vinnie?
Oh, Cardi, thank Christ!
Dude, listen.
Vinnie.
No, shut up.
Listen, I need your help, man.
- I'm dying.
- What?
F-F-Food poisoning.
I made the woman I love shit her
pants in front of me, Vinnie.
Carol
She can't
She can't stop shitting.
I've never seen
anything like it.
I'm sorry to hear that, dude,
but I'm locked in the
toilets at The Crow's Nest.
I I can't leave this toilet, Vinnie.
If I don't make it
I want you to have my things.
- You don't have any things.
- I have got things!
Just stay hydrated.
Fucking chips!
Jim! Jim?
- Fucking looking at?
- Jim! Jim! Jim!
Jim, up here! Jim!
You! What the fuck do you want?
- Jim!
- What?
Fuck off, you fucking cod-stealing
bastard shit.
Who are you talking to,
you fucking idiot?
These are my fucking chips,
so fucking fuck the fuck off.
- Before I fucking
- Nobody wants your fucking chips, Jim!
Oi! Up here. Look up!
Look up! Jim, look up!
- Fuck me.
- You? Again?
I thought I fucking told you
to fuck off, didn't I?
If you look at my fucking chips
one more time
Look up!
Fuck! Jim!
Are you all right, dude?
What is love? Baby, don't ♪
What are you singing Haddaway for?
Fucking wanker.
Fucking hurt my fucking head!
Cunts.
Fuck.
Shit.
Shit!
Hey, up, mate.
Oi!
Fuck!
Please don't be dead.
Which fucking side, is it?
Fuck!
Who the fuck are you?
Shit.
- What's happened?
- Er Er, nothing.
I've known you long enough to know
that you wouldn't be calling me
at this time of night if there
hadn't been some drama.
So, go on. No, no, no,
listen, nothing's happened.
There's nothing There's nothing
to worry about.
- Vinnie, I'm fucking with you!
- Ha!
- What are you like?
- What you doing, anyway?
Oh, you know, I'm just, er
I'm just chilling, just hanging out.
Oh, come out. Come out.
Me and Sugar are out.
Come out!
No, I can't, love, I can't. I'm
I'm up early, you see.
Sugar said you're staying at Kath's.
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Just Just for one night.
In't it dead creepy being
there by yourself?
Shit.
Er Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it is a bit, actually.
I haven't seen you for ages.
I just said to Sugar
that I miss the craziness.
Oh, well, there's none
of that round here.
Fuck me,
I am bored to tears, honestly.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
So, I can't tempt you out?
I'd love to, but I'm up too early.
- Boo!
- Boring.
All right, then,
I'll let you go, yeah.
- Later, alligator.
- In a while, crocodile.
Fuck! Erm
Shit!
Fuck off.
Oh, fuck me!
Fuck!
What the fuck? Throw a dick at me?
Get the fuck out of here, man!
Oh, leave me alone!
I ain't even done owt.
You were breaking and entering!
You know, there's laws
against that kind of shit.
It It were an accident.
- An accident?
- I fell through the delivery hatch.
Yeah, yeah, and I suppose
that balaclava
fall on your head an' all, did it?
No.
- I'm in the SAS.
- The SAS?
Yeah.
I'm on a top-secret
mission, aren't I?
Here, in Hawley?
I'm not allowed to say.
It's a secret!
Listen, Orville,
I'm sure Keith Harris is probably
wondering where the fuck you are.
I don't want you here, man.
And I'm guessing you don't
want to be here either.
So, behind you, there's a window.
Climb through the window. There's
a fire escape. Down the ladders.
Fuck off. Don't come back.
Let sleeping dogs lie. How's that?
I don't know.
It looks quite high, that.
Oh, God, no! It's dead high, that!
I can't do that.
Just fucking
Of course it's high.
It's a fire escape!
I can't do heights, they panic me.
Did you mention that
in your SAS interview?
- No.
- No.
Fuck me What are we gonna do then?
How about you just
open the door and just let us out?
Fuck that. What if you've got a knife
and you try and stab me or summat?
I haven't got nothing, I swear!
Oh, please.
I just want to go home.
All right, I'll tell you what. I'll open
this door.
If you try any funny business,
- I'll finger you to death.
- Eh?
No.
- You what?
- Not like
Help!
- No, no, no!
- Help! Mister!
- Fuck, I didn't mean it like that.
- I'm locked in a bathroom
and there's a man
threatening to finger me to death!
- I'm not sure what that means.
- That was a misguided attempt
to try and bring some levity
to the situation.
What's levity?
- Is that like fingering?
- No, it's not fingering.
It's not fingering. Just
I'm sorry, man, I
Oh
What's going on in there?
Are you all right?
Aaah!
Yeah. It's It's jammed right in.
I can't get it out.
I think it's touching my brain.
All right, well, I'd better
take a look at it.
OK.
Oh, shit.
Brought that on yourself.
- It really hurts.
- Come on.
How does it look?
- Does it look bad?
- Yeah.
You're not supposed to say that!
When you ask doctors
and that, they say, 'No.'
You've got a fucking corkscrew
in the side of your head.
Of course it looks bad.
Well, let me just
Let me try and pull it out.
Will it bleed? Cos I just can't do
blood and that.
It's almost as if
you're not really in the SAS.
Hm.
It'll probably It'll
It probably won't bleed.
- All right?
- Good.
OK. I'm ready.
Oh, you're going the wrong way!
You're making it go deeper!
I apologise. It were like lightning.
But not nice lightning.
- Like frightening lightning.
- Just shut the fuck up wittering on.
Oh, that's the same way! The same
way! It's touching my brain again!
I don't know what I'm doing!
I'm dyslexic. Fucking clockwise,
lefts and rights, I'm bad at it.
Everything's fucking digital now.
When was the last time you even saw
a normal clock?
- All right. I know what I'm doing.
- Oh, OK.All right.
Owww! Aaarrrggghhh!
Ohh!
Aaa-aaa-aaah!
Oh, bloody hell!
- Let's have a look.
- That's a lot of blood, that.
Oh, what's that?
- It's super glue.
- Eh?
Oh
One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.
Three Mississippi.
There you go.
- Shit!
- What's up?
I fucking superglued my hand
to your head.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no.
Fuck! All right. One, two, three!
Oww!
Fuck me. I thought I'd killed you.
I've got narcolepsy.
When I get tired,
I just fall asleep.
That's everyone.
I just wanted to pinch a few things.
Not Not much.
Just enough
to buy a bird bath.
A bird bath?
Yeah, not for me. For my mum.
She doesn't really
get out much any more.
She likes to sit in the garden
and watch the birds.
And there's this one bird that comes
to visit her, a robin,
that she thinks is
the reincarnation of my dad.
He were called Robin, you see.
She wants a bird bath for him,
on account of how he always
liked
to have a bath.
Can't you just go and nick
a bird bath, like any normal person?
I've seen a really nice one.
York sandstone.
Dead impressive it is.
In the grounds of this posh house.
Yeah, sounds really nice.
Go and nick that one.
The thing is, it
it looks dead-heavy.
- Like a two-man job.
- Take a mate with you.
Come on, you must have one friend.
Mum says folk are odd.
And it's their loss,
if they don't warm to us.
And And you can't force people
to be your friends, can you?
I mean, sometimes, you're just
better off staying out of their way.
What's your name?
Gideon.
I'm Vinnie.
No-one's here on Thursdays,
so we're safe.
Unless the D-Man followed us.
Oh, you said he had a gun!
What if he sees us and shoots us
with it, just for fun, like?
Gideon! Jesus Christ, listen to me.
D-Man's gone.
And he's not coming back.
All right? I promise you. Yeah?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Where is this bird bath, then?
- Up there.
Why didn't you tell me
to nick a bigger car, man?
You're having a laugh, dude.
That's not a fucking bird bath.
That's a fountain!
- A fountain?
- Yeah.
So, is that different
to a bird bath?
Of course it's different
to a bird bath.
A fountain is much bigger, innit.
The fucking thing is massive.
How are we gonna fit it in the car?
Does that mean we can't get
the birdbath for Mum, then?
All right. Fuck it. We need to go
and get the car. Come on.
Electronic fence. I'm just gonna
force it. It should open.
- OK.
- Here we go.
- You fucker.
- They're not opening, Vinnie.
Well, fucking not yet, it's not.
Give us a sec.
Urghh.
- They're still not opening.
- I know! Fuck me, I'll climb over.
Oh.
Ooh!
For fuck's sake, dude!
- Gideon!
- Yeah?
It's not gonna take much
to make it give.
So, just Oi! Nice and slow.
All right?
Got it, Vinnie.
Just a bit more than that.
Just a smidge.
OK.
Have you even let the clutch out,
Gideon?
Er Which one is that?
The clu
Do you even know how to drive?
- No.
- No?
- Is it even in gear?
- Er
Ah, right. Is that it?
The stick here?
No, no, no, no, no!
Holy shit, man. Look at the state
of it, you lunatic.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! You've really
done it now, Gideon.
They'll put you in prison and then
who is gonna look after Mum?
- Come on, let's run away!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Just settle down.
We're not going nowhere
without that birdbath
slash fountain thing. All right?
Now, pull yourself together.
Are you feeling strong?
Why?
Cos it's gonna
weigh a fucking ton, man!
- Oh.Yeah?
- OK.
Yeah?
OK. I'm going as fast as I can,
Vinnie.
Oh, bloody hell! Stop moaning and
get in the fucking car!
Get in the car!
Right, you little bastards!
I've got you on camera.
Can you fuck off, please?
It's hard enough to see without
You are going viral!
There you are, stream that!
I can't believe you did that,
Vinnie.
Feels good to be alive,
doesn't it, pal, hey?
Huzzah!
Huzzah, dude!
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
Right, listen, I'm gonna get off.
Oh, no, don't run off just yet.
- It's late, man. I need my bed.
- Come and say hello to Mum.
She's gonna be asleep.
She don't really sleep well.
She don't get many visitors.
She'd be made up.
Just pop up and
say hello, like, please.
- Please?
- Yeah, all right, all right.
Five minutes. Yeah?
- It's cold, innit?
- It's got to be.
Mum can't sleep if it's too hot.
She's just up there.
Who is all this lot?
Dead people.
- Hey?
- They're all dead.
Well, they can't all be dead!
- Er Yeah, they are.
- He's not dead.
Yeah, he is.
What about this lot here?
Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, they all died
in a boating accident.
They won the boat on Bullseye.
Got dropped in an artificial lake.
No water.
- So, they were all killed.
- Dude, is this a wall of dead people?
- Is that what this is?
- Yeah.
- Everybody is dead?
- Yeah, up to the top, yeah.
But he's not. He's not dead.
Oh, he is. He had an
electric trike from Taiwan.
It were too powerful.
Took him right into t'wall.
- Yeah, it were very sad.
- A horrible story.
What's all this shit?
The rapey doll here?
Who is this furry little
Fuck! Fuck me, dude.
Aw!
It's just Mr Mittens.
All right.
What are you doing up here,
Mr Mittens? Meow!
Hello, Vinnie!
A bit Buffalo Bill in here,
in't it, pal?
Oh, yeah. I get it. Woo-woo-woo!
Nothing to do with Indians. You don't
know what I'm talking about.
- A cowboy, weren't he?
- You've never seen the film, have you?
- Where are we going?
- In to see Mum.
Listen, it's
- I'm just feeling a bit anx-anxious.
- Oh, please, Vinnie.
- It's really late, though.
- I know. Just two Just two minutes.
She'll be so made up. Please?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Is that all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Mum? Mum!
Got a surprise for you.
Brought you a visitor.
Why did you have to say it like that?
- Like what?
- You just said, 'Brought you
Well, I have.
Like you're gonna feed her or summat.
What's in here, dude?
Hiya, Mum.
How are you doing?
Did you manage to get any sleep?
Who's this?
Oh.
This is Vinnie, Mum.
He's a friend of mine.
He wanted to come
and say hello to you.
That's nice.
And have you asked Vinnie
what we ask visitors?
Oh, yeah.
Would you like some tea, love?
No.
I'm all right, thanks, Giddy.
Go and make us a pot, Giddy, love.
OK.
He doesn't really have friends,
you know.
He's a bit too
unique for most folk.
Thems with small minds.
He's vulnerable.
Easy picking for the wrong sort
to take advantage of.
I wouldn't do that.
You know why you're here, Vinnie?
He's trying to show me
I don't have to worry about him.
Mm.
But I do.
I'm a mum. That's what we do.
Boys need their mums.
- Isn't that right?
- Mm.
Can you be a good friend, Vinnie?
He's going to need a friend.
I'll be his friend.
You're tired.
- Aren't you?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am a bit.
Yeah, I've been up all night.
No.
It's not just tonight, though,
is it, lovey?
You're worn out.
You've been brave long enough,
you don't need to keep it up.
Sssh.
- I'm sorry.
- Come here. Come here.
You're just tired.
There's a lad.
You'll be all right.
Life is but a dream ♪
It's what you make it ♪
Always try to give ♪
Fuck me!
Fucking hell. Hey, up.
Morning, dude.
Just got up, have you?
Yeah, yeah.
- Morning.
- Afternoon, mate.
You've been out for the count.
- How's it going, then?
- I have no idea.
I've just had the maddest night.
- This old woman touched me.
- Me, too.
I got groped by an old one, too.
Jesus fucking Christ.
It's the last time I'm saying it.
Right? It is business.
There's people who would pay
good money for that shit.
You all right, you?
I didn't know it was
physically possible
for a human being
to poo that much.
You sleep all right, Vin?
Oh, Christ, yeah.
I did, all right. I've been having
these mental dreams.
Oh, I had a mad dream
the other night.
I wanted to go to America, yeah,
but I mean they wouldn't let me in.
So, I got into a cardboard box
and then I posted myself.
But then I realised I forgot to wee
before I got in.
Could be worse, couldn't ya?
You could have been trapped in there
with Cardi's missus!
That's too far. You're bang out of
order. Fucking hell.
Imagine that, eh, trapped in a box,
in the pitch black,
with Carol and her explosive anus!
I'm fucking warning you.
Cardi, Cardi, it's
like a chocolate fountain in here!
It's like Cadbury's World!
- No, no, it's not funny.
- Come on, Tommo, go on, apologise.
You're upsetting him.
You're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you made
your bird shit herself.
I fucking warned you, didn't I!
We've got a shitload of weed
to get rid of here.
I invested. Now I need a return.
- A festival?
- A festival.
Would anybody like a disco biscuit?'
Fuck off!
- Is it a yes or a no?
- Right, get going.
- But, whatever you do, don't hang about.
- Shit.
- Your pig is a cunt!
- Your pig is a cunt!