Breeders (2020) s04e02 Episode Script

No Alternative

wait just one second.
Yes, there's baby.
It's a tiny, little human being.
Oh, my God. Luke, can you see?
It's amazing. It's beautiful.
So beautiful.
- Is Is that the head?
- That is the head.
And that heartbeat, Maya. Listen.
I don't know what to say.
Fucking Nora.
You're You're gonna
be a father? Of a baby?
Pregnancy tests can be wrong.
They go wrong all the time.
Maya's having a 12-week
scan on January the 2nd.
12 weeks? [CHUCKLES]
Shit. Right, okay, so you've
known for a while, then.
We don't want to jinx anything by, like,
announcing it too soon.
And how are you how are
you both feeling about it?
Really excited. [LAUGHS]
Uh, um, it's a big surprise.
Say that again. [LAUGHS] Jesus Christ.
It wasn't planned, but you know,
we've talked about it forever,
and and we're really, really happy.
This is such amazing news.
In our day, it was normal to have kids
at your sort of age.
Get it over with.
And then when they're grown
up, you're still in your 30s.
You can have some fun. [LAUGHS]
Dancing, go to Las Vegas, all sorts.
Have you guys thought about schools?
Uh, we're both still at school, Darren.
Yeah, you can't start too early.
Good prep schools get
booked up really quickly,
and the shit ones, actually.
Sorry to be blunt, but
are you absolutely sure
you want to go ahead with this?
There is another option available.
I had a baby very young.
It ruined my life.
- Mum!
- I might not mean you.
What, you had a baby before me?
We're definitely keeping the baby.
We know it's a huge thing, Granny,
but we think we know what we're doing.
Granny? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm going to be a granny,
and I'm not even 50 yet.
There's There's a lot
that we need to talk about.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
Because, for a start, you know
I mean, Jesus Christ. A baby.
Why don't I fetch that cheese I brought
and you can all sit around
with some oatcakes and quince
and talk it through?
Oh, Maya, can you eat cheese
in your, um, condition?
Uh, no, she can't have
any soft blue cheese
or any soft cheese with a white rind.
All right, no brie, then.
Good God. I'm so glad I'm a man.
[DARREN] What do we all fancy
falling asleep in front of?
Is there a Bond? There's
gotta be a Bond on somewhere.
He used to be a male
model, Sean Connery.
He posed for life-drawing classes,
never with his old fella
hanging out, though,
I don't think.
We could always watch the
King's Christmas message at 3.
Still feels funny, doesn't it,
that it's the King's message
nowadays and not the Queen?
Mm. Indeed.
It's a sort of glue holding
the country together, isn't it,
the King's Christmas message?
Comforting, steady, solid.
Are we gonna watch it, then?
No. The Gruffalo's on.
Oh. Great.
[JIM] I fuckin' love the Gruffalo.
[MAYA] These glasses
Do these go in this cupboard?
Uh, no. One next to it. Thanks, Maya.
So, just to be clear, you're still
You're still planning
to go to university?
Uh, if I can get into
a London college, then yeah.
And then my mum, my dad,
and my sister will help out
with the baby while I'm studying.
- Oh.
- And then hopefully I'll get
into a London uni,
too, and then I can work
- evenings and weekends.
- S-Sorry, hang on.
Um, what about
the music production
course in Manchester?
Oh, yeah, that was just a
mad punt. I won't get in.
- Oh.
- There's, like,
400 applications for 15 places.
- Uh-huh.
- I've applied to Durham, too,
but I won't go even if I get an offer.
And all my other choices are in London.
Right. Babies are expensive,
Luke. They just are.
A part-time job's not gonna cut it.
Uh, my parents will help out
financially at the beginning.
- Oh, yeah, I was just
- Yeah, we can help out, too.
- So, we can do that as well.
- We can help out, too.
- Yeah, to to an extent, yeah.
- Yeah, absolutely.
Look, I I know it's a total shock.
It was a shock to my
parents when we told them.
Uh, 'cause your parents already know?
Just because of me
moving in and everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no,
obviously they needed to
- To know.
- Yeah.
So, um, can this scan tell
you the sex of the baby?
Not accurately, but it
can tell you the due date
and whether you're expecting twins.
So, I mean, are we allowed
to come to the scan
I mean, scan are parents
Grandparent grandparents-to-be,
are they allowed to
To be at the scan?
Uh, in the actual scan room,
they say they only
allow two other people,
apart from Luke and me, obviously.
Oh, yeah, you're kind
of essential. Yeah.
But, uh, other people can wait outside.
Okay. Oh, that's great.
That's good.
So, are you, uh, are you pleased for us?
Yeah, yes, yes. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I mean, It's
It's a shock, obviously.
But as everyone said,
it is a huge shock.
But, yeah, we're yeah, we're
Yeah, we're really happy for you.
Ah, it's a fucking disaster, Al.
- He's 18.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's 18.
- Mm-hmm.
18. They're both 18 years old.
It's like a Ken Loach film, innit?
- Or I don't know. Fuckin'
- What's that What's that movie?
It's like fucking Juno, isn't it?
- It's not exactly like Juno.
- Well, whatever.
[SIGHS] I guess we're just
gonna have to cope with it.
There's There's no alternative.
- There clearly is.
- What?
Wh-What your mum said.
The obvious alternative.
They're keeping the baby, Paul.
They said they've thought about it.
They've talked about
it. They're keeping it.
Well, maybe they've
not thought hard enough.
Do you know what I mean?
Maybe some grownups
need to talk to them.
We can't be the ones to
suggest a termination.
They'll hate us, and we're
already on the back foot.
- How?
- Maya's parents have known
about this for ages.
They're way ahead of us.
[SIGHS] They'll be the ones
in the room at the scan, won't they?
Yeah. Yes, they will.
Every single family has an
alpha set of grandparents
and a beta set, and we're in
danger of becoming the betas.
- It's mad!
- Mm.
- Us being
- I know.
Grandparents is unreal.
It's like, get a fucking
OBE or something,
new hip, becoming a magistrate.
[SIGHS] I'm at the
denial stage, I think.
Are you at the anger stage yet?
I'm always at the fucking anger stage.
What are the other stages again?
- [LAUGHS] Um, denial
Anger, bargaining, depression, um
- Sporty, Scary, Posh.
- Divorced, beheaded, died.
Divorce Divorced, beheaded, survived.
Oh, God. [LAUGHS]
[WHISPERS] Fucking hell, though, Al.
I know.
Right. Night, night, Grandpa.
- Teeth out. Catheter in.
- No, but, really, babe, babe.
This is such a massive shitshow.
It could ruin Luke's life. It could.
We won't let it, I promise.
Hey. Yeah. Mmm.
Sorry Ava, we're holding you up.
We're like a couple of tortoises
who've had a fall and
then shat themselves.
It's fine. It's nice
to go slowly sometimes.
It's good to get out
for a Boxing Day walk.
You need to keep moving, or
you seize up, body and mind.
It isn't Boxing Day, though, is it?
- Isn't it?
- Is it?
It's the 27th.
Oh, so it's like the
Boxing Day of Boxing Day.
Which would make Christmas Day
Boxing Day Eve.
how are you feeling about
Luke and all that, Ava?
20 seconds.
Sorry, love?
There were 20 seconds
at Christmas dinner
just after Luke said he
was moving in with Maya,
where I thought, okay, maybe
it's finally time for me to be
number one kid in the family.
Right. And then he said
he was gonna be a dad.
And then I wasn't even
number two kid again.
I was suddenly number
three because of the baby.
I'm jealous of a baby. Not
even a baby. An unborn baby.
So, what do you think of
your new place, Granny?
Oh, wonderful.
I wish we'd moved to
sheltered housing years ago.
There's all sorts going on.
Dance class, cookery class,
art class, book club, yoga.
There's a hairdresser
comes once a week Holly.
Uh, chiropodist Cliff.
Oh. I love it.
And what about you, Granddad?
I think it's the penultimate stop
on my journey to the grave.
Like Battersea Park Station
when you're on the train into Victoria,
only Victoria is death,
and Battersea Park is
coughing up blood and getting jaundice.
Oh, wow. Thanks, Jim.
You've ruined that train journey for me.
Look. Look.
We've got some veggie
cup-a-soups, Ava,
if you fancy one, mushroom
and sweet corn.
Great, thank you.
I've started knitting
some little baby clothes
for the great-grandchild.
- Booties, a cardigan.
- That's nice.
Mind your Gran's jigsaw.
What is it?
- Fucking enormous.
- Constable's Hay Wain.
[SONOGRAPHER] Everything's
looking absolutely fine.
[MAYA] Great.
[SONOGRAPHER] The placenta's
in exactly the right position.
Oh, brilliant. And it's just one baby?
- Just the one, yes.
- [WHISPERS] Oh, right.
Unless its twin is very good at hiding.
- One's enough for Luke.
- Yeah.
[VOICE BREAKING] Just feels, like
really real now, doesn't it, Luke?
Too real.
No, not not too real.
Like, real enough.
You know, really real.
- That's almost it.
- Great. No hurry.
- Quick final check?
- Yep.
Uh, your telly and PlayStation
are still down there.
Yeah, I-I think I might
just keep 'em here, actually.
Oh, right. You sure?
Yeah, there's not a lot of
space in Maya's room, so
[SIGHS] Also, I-I think I'd just
quite like to get away sometimes
and be a kid again, you know?
- Maybe here
- Mm-hmm.
With Jacob? Have some Jacob time.
Oh. Okay.
H-How is, um
weird Jacob taking all the baby news?
- Uh [CHUCKLES] obsessed.
He's, um, he's Googling recipes
for Maya to combat constipation,
and he's got a fetal
growth chart on his fridge.
- Christ, he's amazing.
- Yeah.
And a fucking lunatic. [LAUGHS] Hey.
- Hi! I haven't been crying.
- Oh, good.
Oh, Lukey. I don't want you to go.
- Won't be far away.
- No, I know.
And I'll I'll pop in a lot.
Maya's family don't swear
that often, so I'll have to
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Funny.
- See you soon.
- Bye.
We'll see you on New Year's Eve?
Uh, no, I think we're
gonna be spending it
at Maya's sister's, if that's okay.
No, sure, absolutely.
See you at the scan, then.
Or the waiting room,
whatever, depending. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. See you then.
Love you guys, and give
my love to Ava as well.
- Will do. Love you.
- All right. Love you, mate.
Cheers, Steve.
I think Maya should have a termination.
- Hang on, what?
No. What was that?
You said the same a couple of days ago,
Yeah, but then you said the opposite.
Luke is gonna ruin his life, Paul.
He's gonna throw away his
future and his 20s and everything
- that's out there for him.
- What about the whole
alpha grandparents thing
you were talking about?
Fuck being grandparents!
We need to be parents!
We need to step up and stop him
from throwing everything away.
really mean it, though, hon?
- The "A" word.
- Not really.
- Abortion.
- No, I know what you meant.
- Sorry.
- No, not really, no, no.
I just Oh. Maya wants this baby.
- Right.
- Luke wants this baby, but
this is just about the
hardest bit of parenting
that we've ever had to
do, and I'm I am fucked
if I know how we can manage it.
Okay, me and you need
to get in sync, okay?
Me and you need to
get off the back foot,
get ourselves fired up, and in
the fucking room for that scan.
- You're right.
- New year, new us.
Oh, I think I nodded off
there for a minute. [YAWNS]
I'd fallen asleep, so I
didn't notice you nodding off.
- [YAWNS] Mm.
- Well
three minutes to the Big Ben bongs.
Shall I put BBC One on for the bongs?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. [SIGHS]
I'll go I'll go get Ava.
- Fuck it. I'll text her.
Oh, do you need topping up, babe?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Can't reach.
Hi, love.
Hey, do you wanna enjoy some champagne?
No, thanks.
- What have you been up to?
- Revising.
There's a history module that
I'm sort of struggling with,
and anyway, boring, but
I need to work on it.
- Can we help?
- It's fine.
- Hmm.
- We know it's been tough
for you, you know, with the
baby and the focus on Luke.
- It's fine.
- Ah. It's not, though.
It's a big thing for Luke.
You need to concentrate on him.
I haven't got any big things going on.
Well, you you have, just
not as dramatic as Luke.
- Luke has always been dramatic.
- Yeah.
Nearly dying, punching me in the face.
He's always been a
bit primary colors.
Is it all right if I don't
really care about this baby?
Y-Yes, of of course that is allowed.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
- Hey.
I might have that glass
of champagne, actually.
Yeah, of course. Coming up.
So, have we gone past it?
It definitely said radiology this way,
but the signs have run out.
Right, so hang hang on, hang on.
Is X-Ray Department the
same as Radiology Department?
- Oh, shit, we're gonna be late.
- That's fucking mad!
Isn't it? Having Having
two Two names for the
Babe! Hon?
- Is it cold?
- The gel?
Only at first, but you'll be tense,
so you'll probably jump a
little bit, which means, Luke,
you'll probably jump a little bit, too.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, probably.
Seeing inside a human body, though,
that's that's pretty cool.
Wait till your first colonoscopy. Luke.
- [ALLY] Oh.
Hi. So sorry we're late. Rubbish signs.
Yeah, we we went down
every corridor twice,
like some NHS Pac-Man.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm Paul.
Ah. Great to meet you, Paul. I'm Sunil.
- This is my wife Meena.
- Oh.
- Meena, I'm Ally.
- [SUNIL] Hi, Ally.
- How you doing, love?
- Uh, a little bit nervous.
Understandable. I'm a
bit nervous, too. [LAUGHS]
[SIGHS] How are you, sport?
Um I'm a little bit
nervous as well, if I'm honest.
- I'm perfectly calm.
No, he's not. He was up at 5:00
this morning cleaning the oven.
- Uh, happy New Year, by the way.
- [SUNIL] Yes!
Happy New Year. Did
you do anything special?
Uh, no, just, uh, fell asleep
in front of the telly, right?
Then then the bongs and
[CHUCKLES] The BBC bongs?
- Always. The official bongs.
Never trust Jools Holland's bongs.
- They're pre-recorded.
- True.
- [PAUL] Yeah.
We all had, uh, dinner at my sister's.
She's got a three-year-old.
- Ah, lovely.
- Oh, that's a lovely age.
I mean, to be. It's an
absolute bastard for a parent.
- Yeah, and, uh,
Maya didn't sleep through
the night till she was, what,
- four years old?
- [ALLY] Oh.
- [SUNIL] Yeah.
- It almost killed us.
- We almost murdered her.
- Yeah.
Hi. We'll be ready
for you in five minutes.
- Oh, great.
- And are you the dad?
Y-Yeah, I'm the dad, yeah.
We can only have two of you in
the scanning room, I'm afraid.
[MAYA, VOICE BREAKING] It's just, um
It just feels really real
now, doesn't it, Luke?
[LUKE] Yeah. Too real.
No, not not not
too real, obviously.
Just real enough, you know? Really real.
Oh, it's the best thing
I've seen on telly in months.
- Can you see okay there?
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- It's amazing, isn't it?
- Really amazing.
Babies really live up
to the hype, don't they?
- They're 18.
- I know!
- It's mad.
- It's terrifying, Paul.
I-I mean, we have to support them.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, of course, yeah.
- But also
- Exactly.
It could be a disaster.
In fact, my first reaction was,
- this is a disaster.
- Mm-hmm.
But Meena managed to row me
back to this could be a disaster.
But they're 18.
I've got whiskey older
than that and some T-shirts.
- It's so nice to know
you're as freaked out as we are.
Oh, I'm as freaked out
as I've ever been, Ally,
and I've been freaked out a lot.
- Ah.
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, hey.
- Hi.
- Hey. How was it, Maya?
- [SIGHS] Amazing.
- Super amazing.
- It really was.
- [SUNIL] Did your mother cry?
- Of course she did.
She used to cry at Bob the Builder.
- It was the camaraderie.
- Sure.
- Oh, while I remember,
Granny Jackie asked
me to give you these.
She's knitted something for the baby.
They're huge.
I'm sure the baby will grow into them.
Yeah, and if not, I can always wear them
- when I'm doing the gardening.
- I'm really glad I saw the baby.
- Mm.
- I think I'll be a good auntie.
- Oof.
I think you'll be an excellent auntie.
So, have you two come to
terms with Luke being a dad?
- Fuck, no.
- Never.
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