Breeders (2020) s04e07 Episode Script

No Kids

- Wow.
- [GASPS] Hi!
- Hello. Hi.
- Hi. Hello. Welcome.
- We're on a holiday.
Ally and Paul, Paul and Ally.
We're Ally, and they're
Paul. I'm P He's Paul.
I had some Valiums,
um, for the flying
and some Malbec, which
is red wine. I like wine.
- Yes.
- Okay?
- Yeah!
Okay. Uh, surname is Worsley.
- Sorry. Yes.
- It's all right.
- That's our name.
Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Worsley.
I see you've booked three rooms.
- Yes. Now
- Yes.
I did email ahead about this.
Uh, we were originally gonna be
traveling with our two children.
You know, they're called
Ava and Luke, yeah.
And Ava's doing some work
experience at a biomedical lab.
- Because she's very clever.
- [PAUL] Yeah.
- And Luke is, um
- He's having a baby.
- Yeah.
But we don't wanna talk
about that. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, but, uh, anyway, I just wonder,
is there any chance of a
refund on the two rooms?
- Please?
- Uh
- I'm very sorry, Mr. Worsley,
but the package you
booked is non-refundable.
Fair enough. Thanks for checking. Uh
- [ALLY] Yeah.
- 'Cause I booked it
18 months ago when things
were slightly less, uh
- Bleh.
- Yeah.
Oh, what I can do as a goodwill gesture
is upgrade you to our
presidential suite.
- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Presidential.
- Hey, yeah.
- Presidential.
- You keep saying it.
[LAUGHS] I hope it's Obama and not Trump
or the Watery-gate one with the jowls.
- Mm.
- I didn't like him.
Where are you Okay. Right, um
[ALLY] Hi! Hello! Are you
on holiday? I'm on holiday.
Um maybe send up some coffee
or or a drugs counselor.
- Let me get you your keys.
- [PAUL] Great, thank you.
- She'll be fine, though.
- Um Yeah.
- I'll keep an eye on her.
- Breakfast is from 7 a.m
- In the Odysseus Restaurant.
- Okay, yeah.
- Outside on our south terrace.
- Brilliant. Thank you very much.
- [CLERK] You're welcome.
- [PAUL] Um um
I'm Ally. Oh! That is
- Oh, shit.
- Um
And there's a bar. There's a bar.
- There's a bar.
- Okay.
Look at that lovely bit of jewelry.
- [ALLY GASPS] Free things!
- [PAUL] Oh, my God.
- [GASPS] Wow.
- This is fucking mad.
[GASPS] Oh, there's a
there there are stairs.
- I'm gonna check out the stairs.
- Please don't.
Not in your current state.
- Let me go and do that.
I'll report back. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] Wow!
Hello, my people. [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] There's stone
pineapples out here, Paul!
- Hon. Hon.
- Yeah?
There's a Jacuzzi in our bathroom.
- [ALLY] No.
- Yeah, it it's really big.
I think it's probably tidal.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God. I
feel like a rock star.
That's 'cause you're off your face.
- All right, I'm coming up.
- Honestly, hon,
- please be careful.
- I don't need to be careful.
[GASPS] Ohh.
- Well [LAUGHS]
- Well
You know, there's nothing
like a a hotel room
just pressuring you to have sex.
Yeah, it is. It's It is
begging for sex, isn't it?
Yeah. Coming on a bit strong, isn't it?
Yeah, definitely. Back off, room. Shh.
- How long has it been?
- I don't know.
Five months.
Listen, we shouldn't be
too hard on ourselves.
- About what?
- About the, mm, dry spell.
It's been a really difficult few months.
Yeah. Who knew that becoming
grandparents wasn't a turn-on?
'Cause it's really weird
without them here, isn't it?
It is, yeah. On the
other hand, we have bagged
the David Bowie suite at no extra cost.
Do you think that David
Bowie actually stayed here?
- I definitely do. Yes, I do.
He was a very big fan on
all-inclusive package holidays.
- He loved them.
- Same with Bolan.
Lou Reed more of a
I don't know, campsite guy.
- Oh, man.
- [ALLY] Mm.
We should get going, you
know? 'Cause, uh, we booked
- that tour for 2:00.
- Mm.
Good. That's That's helpful.
[ALLY] He definitely say 2:00?
[PAUL] Yeah, I checked the confirmation.
It's 2:00, hon.
Oh, uh, it's Luke.
He said that Ava's having
a great day at the lab.
- Mm-hmm.
- But she's very busy
and that they're gonna
get takeaway later.
- Maya is craving Italian.
- Ah, great.
- Aw.
- See?
- See what?
- They're fine.
I I didn't think they
were gonna get murdered, Paul.
I just wanted to touch base.
Look, no one wishes they
were here more than I do, hon.
This was gonna be our last
big I don't know.
Big family holiday together.
Well, yeah. You You
don't think, do you,
when the kids are
little, that you've got
a finite amount of
family holidays together,
but it turns out you
have, and it seems like
we might have had our last
one without even realizing it.
Oh. There he is. Hi.
You for the tour?
Uh, yes. For Worsley.
- Four of you?
Uh, no, it's just just two
of us 'cause our daughter Ava
Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah.
I won't go into into that. Yeah.
- So, two of you, then?
- Yeah.
No one else has booked?
- No.
- [PAUL] Ah.
- We'll start with the exterior.
- Oh. It's happening.
[GUIDE] The tower was completed in 1637.
It's 11 meters high with, as
you can see, a square base
- [PAUL] Mm-hmm.
- And two levels.
Access to the upper floors
was originally by means
- of a wooden ladder.
- Uh-huh.
Just be aware there's no photography
allowed inside the tower.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, of course. [EXHALES]
This is one of the
surviving eight towers
of an original 13 that
were built to enhance
and expand the town's existing
system of coastal defense.
- We will see all eight today.
- [CHUCKLES] Very good.
- Will we? Eight?
- Eight.
- Okay.
- Where you are?
- You all right?
- Uh, can't find the keys.
[GUIDE] The next tower we
will explore had repair work
in the mid-19th century
that revealed the foundations
of the Church of St. Agatha,
destroyed in 1075.
Care to guess what might have been
the cause of that destruction?
Uh, asteroids? Oh, no, that
was the dinosaurs, wasn't it?
Um, fire?
Yes. It was a big fire.
Follow me.
He's a fucking laugh, isn't he?
It's like being shown
around by that bloke from Up.
Oh, hello, hello.
- Taxi.
- Oh. Are you serious?
- No, he's serious. I'm sensible.
- Should we s
- [GUIDE] In addition to this,
she is the patron saint of
- Get on the driver.
- I'm gonna okay.
I'm gonna go the other side.
- Hi. Xara Palace Hotel, please.
You booked? Jameson?
Um, yes. Yeah, yeah, that, um
- Yep.
- We are Mr. And Mrs. Jameson.
- Mrs. Jame Jameson.
- Thank you for waiting for us.
- Thanks for waiting.
- [COUPLE] Excuse me.
- Oh, that's the way to do that.
- Oh, fuck, it's their taxi.
- [WOMAN] Excuse me.
Um, let's go. I think we can go now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's
- That's definitely ours?
- Yeah, that's our taxi.
Hey! What
- Massive bastards.
- [GUIDE] Why?
We'd have made a great Bonnie and Clyde.
Yeah, as long as someone
pre-booked the getaway car.
Right, so, what next?
Should we, uh, take a tour
of the old town square
and then shoot up a bank?
[LAUGHS] No, let's let's save
something for tomorrow, baby.
- Aw.
- Um
- Why don't we hit the pool
and drink cocktails all afternoon?
[GASPS] Now, you, Mr. Worsley,
you know how to holiday.
Oh, no.
I think this has blue cheese in it.
Oh. I didn't even think about that.
Oh, shit.
Do you think you can take it out?
How? By washing the pasta?
Um, well, you can you can share mine.
There's at least enough
for three in there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.
It's okay.
Shut the fuck up, mate.
What's wrong?
It's not their section, is it, hon?
- Paul, it's not the Titanic.
- Mm.
It's the adults-only
pool, though, innit?
It's not the "adults, only,
it's the kids, actually" pool.
How long have you been working on that?
- About a minute.
Look, let's just try and relax.
- Okay?
- Yeah, very relaxing, innit?
Fucking American Sniper over there.
- [PAUL] Fucking menace.
[PAUL] You enjoying this?
- [PAUL] This relaxing you?
- Should we go for a swim?
[CLICKS TEETH] I considered it, but
I don't know.
Don't want to upstage
Premier League Ken over there
with my front crawl.
You're not actually
self-conscious, are you?
You look great.
Anyway, look, that guy's
got his top off, doesn't he?
Aside from the fact that
we've both got nipples,
I hope you don't think
we're that similar.
- [ALLY] No, I'm not say
- [PAUL] Fuck me.
I'm not saying that. I'm
just saying that you're
allowed to have your top off.
No one would be judging you.
Sorry, let let me
let me just be clear.
- Everyone would be judging me.
- Oh.
Right? Judging people is
what human beings do best.
There's a little thing called
the internet they like to use.
- That's it, innit?
- [CHILD] Whoo!
We're the old people round
the pool now, fucking
That is a bit bleak, isn't it? Come on.
I guarantee you, babe, you
ask any of these fuckers.
- That is what we are.
We're the aging parents at best,
the people who you bring
round to bleed your radiators
and lend you money.
Christ, I am really, very, very sorry
that I pointed at an
elderly topless man.
It won't happen again.
We really should bleed the radiator.
[LAUGHS] You're such a twat.
[GASPS] Oh, shitting
hell, it's the taxi couple.
- [ALLY] Fuck.
- [PAUL] Fuck.
- Just look away. Look away.
- No, I
- [PAUL] They won't
- Can we get
- Just play deaf. Play deaf.
- It's too late, too late.
[ALLY] It's not going to be
Oh, thanks. Leave me to deal with it.
- Sorry, mate.
- Huh?
Do you mind if we take these chairs?
Yeah, uh, yeah, of course.
Just, uh, yeah. Yours for the taking.
- Go for it.
- Cheers.
- No worries.
- I'm Jameson.
Oh, uh, Paul. My wife, Ally.
[ALLY] Hey, I thought
that was your surname
I thought that's, um, just
a very unusual first name.
Yeah, yeah, me dad really loves whisky.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- Uh, this is me wife, Kirsty.
- Hi, Kirsty.
- Hi, Kirsty.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
[JAMESON] They're in the wrong section.
Yes, they are. Thank you.
- Voice of sanity.
- It's not right, though.
- Yeah, I know.
- Someone should have a word.
- Mm.
- Oh?
- Excuse me, Jameson.
[UNDER BREATH] Oh, gosh.
- [ALLY] Don't fight the man.
[ALLY] Oh, you're not fighting the man.
Excuse me. Could you
just ask these people
to take their kids away? It
is the adults-only pool, so
[PAUL] Thank you.
- [FATHER] Oh, really?
- [CHILD] What's the matter?
[CHILD] Why do we have to
- Nice one.
- [PAUL] Thank you.
- Very good.
Anyone for a drink?
Oh, God, I'm so jealous. It's
cool you guys live in London.
- Yes, it is, innit?
- Yeah, we're very, very cool.
- [JAMESON] Yeah.
Another round?
Uh, looks like they're
closing up, isn't it?
Oh, shit, yeah. We are
- We are the last people here.
- Oh.
Well, I guess we should
probably call it a night.
- Yeah. [SIGHS]
- So glad we met you guys.
We were worried it was gonna
be all families, you know?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, right.
- Stupid families. Who needs 'em?
- Had a really nice evening.
- Yeah, that was great.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Lovely.
- See you guys soon.
- [PAUL] Mm-hmm.
- [ALLY] Yeah.
Are you good to make a move, babe?
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
- That was really nice.
- Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Yeah, I like them. [SNIFFLES]
He's got, uh, big arms.
- Ooh.
- What?
That's not our key,
'cause I've got our key.
Okay. Oh, shit. Is it
theirs? Must be theirs.
- Uh, okay.
- What?
You don't think that when
they said, "See you guys soon,"
- that that was No.
- [LAUGHS] No.
- No, no, no, no.
- No.
- Or no!
- Okay.
- No.
- [PAUL] Hi.
- Yes?
Uh, just wanted to return this key.
Oh! Thank God. We're
looking for that everywhere.
- Oh. Okay. Sorry about that.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
- See you around.
Yeah, yeah. Good night. Take care.
Okay, so if that had been
a a real invitation,
a sexy invitation, a sex-tation
I don't like where this is heading.
No, I'm serious. Would you ever
So, is this a test? 'Cause I'm I'm
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail it.
Why, would you?
I suppose I always just
thought that it was something
- that older couples did
- Mm.
Once they got bored of each other.
Right, right, so not for us, then.
- You okay?
- I'll be okay. I just need to
[STRAINED VOICE] sit up for a bit.
It's so quiet here.
- Yeah. No, it's great, isn't it?
- Yeah. [SIGHS]
- [WHISPERS] Shit.
- Smooth.
Always graceful. I did
ballet for four years.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you Seriously?
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
Okay, that's ridiculous.
How did I not know that?
Oh, 'cause I'm a woman of hidden depths
- and endless mystery.
- Oh.
So, what else don't I know about you?
Oh, no, actually, I think ballet's
- [LAUGHS] Just joking again.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
We forgot to check back in
with the kids again last night.
Yeah, well, you know,
we were sort of busy.
Mm. Yeah, maybe it's
maybe it's a good thing.
Before we know it, we'll be back
to being a two-man band again.
Yeah, still feels weird, eh?
- I'm gonna come back for coffee.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- Hey!
- [PAUL] Oh!
- [ALLY] Oh! Hi.
[UNDER BREATH] Look at us
with our holiday friends.
- there is genuinely no point.
- [ALLY] There is!
There's genuinely no point in playing.
- It's more fun.
- [PAUL] Thank you very much.
I can't help my amazing strength.
- Can you not?
- You got to really whack it,
or the ball won't respect you.
- Is that right?
- Oh, it's Luke.
Hey, mate. Everything all right?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, just just be careful.
I mean, not too careful.
- Try and hit the speed limit.
- Tell him I love him.
Yes, I will. And she sends hers, yeah.
All righty, I love you,
mate. Speak soon. Bye-bye.
He just wants to take
Maya somewhere in the car.
Oh, that's sweet.
Okay, so, nice volley, okay?
- Just a nice, simple
Fuck me, right? I mean,
like, who's over there?
[ALLY] Go and get it. [LAUGHS]
Don't drown.
- Can we
- Yeah.
So, you know the, um, the
course that I applied to
the Manchester one, the long shot?
- Of course. Your dream course.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- I, uh, I got a place, and
Lukey. Oh, my God.
That's That's amazing!
[GASPS] You star! Wait, why
Why didn't you tell me this earlier?
Well, I've been thinking about it a lot,
and, you know, I really wanna
be there for you and the baby.
Nothing's more important.
This course could change
everything for you.
I don't wanna change
things. I wanna be with you.
Yeah, and you will be,
just not in the same city.
Oh, you you really
can't turn this down.
- I already have.
- You what?
I emailed them saying that
I'm declining my place.
- Have you gone mad?
- Well, I I
I did it for us. I did
it for all three of us.
I can't believe you've done this.
And I can't believe
you're reacting like this.
I don't want you to miss out
on an amazing opportunity.
Yeah, and I'm willing to give
it up for you and the baby.
Mm, no, don't make it my
responsibility, my fault,
if you end up regretting it!
Do you see how bad that would be for me?
- No! I don't!
- You don't?
No, I genuinely don't!
- [PAUL] Look, I don't wanna keep
banging on about the pan-fried rabbit.
- But
- You bloody loved that rabbit.
I just wanna know how do they
make food taste like that?
Magic and loads of salt and butter.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
It's been a really good day, hasn't it?
- Yeah.
- No screaming children
in the adults' pool earlier.
That was all down to you, Paul.
- Well
- You badass.
Well, I'm just a concerned
citizen doing my little bit.
- Yeah.
- You know, I don't
I don't seek recognition for that.
Maybe a small, simple
gold statue of myself
over by the towels, but
nothing more, honestly.
- Nothing more.
- It was a lot more peaceful.
Oh, parents can't expect their kids
to have the run of the whole hotel.
- Exactly.
- People can be so entitled.
- Yeah.
- You know, two arseholes
stole our taxi yesterday when
we were coming from the beach.
- [KIRSTY] Oh, yeah.
- Just took it.
We were waiting around for hours.
- Oh, no.
- That's just awful.
- [ALLY] Yeah.
Does, uh, anyone fancy a nightcap?
Hey, there's karaoke at the bar tonight.
- There was a notice up.
- I don't know if I fancy that.
- Uh
- I was thinking a quiet drink.
Yeah, w-well, we could
we could go up to ours.
Oh, yeah, we're we're
we're in the presidential suite.
- Oh, my God. You're in a suite.
- That is epic. What's it like?
- It's lovely.
Do you know what? No, it's not lovely.
- It is amazing.
- No, it's absolutely ridiculous.
It's way too good for us, but, um, yeah.
You'd be welcome to come up for a drink.
- [KIRSTY] Sure.
- Yeah.
- [JAMESON] Yeah.
- [PAUL] Yeah?
- Yeah, we'd love to.
- Great, well, let's do it.
- Ooh.
- Ta-da!
- Oh!
- Oh, my fucking God.
- [ALLY] Yeah.
[JAMESON] Nice. Very presidential.
Yeah, it's quite something, isn't it?
Would anyone like
presidential champagne?
- [ALLY] Yes, please.
- Oh!
- Yes, please.
- [KIRSTY] Thank you.
- Coming right up.
- Wow.
Um do you mind if
I use your bathroom?
Oh, yeah, it's just on the next level.
Oh, hon, they both go upstairs?
- Yes, weirdly.
- Hmm.
Oh, would you get some
glasses, hon, please?
- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Are they having a bath?
I think we're all gonna have a bath.
- [PAUL] Look at it.
How long do we have to wait?
God knows.
Is it faster or slower when
it's two people instead of four?
[LAUGHS] I've never had a foursome.
- Have you not?
- No.
Well, that's that and the
ballet that I know about now.
Oh, I hope they don't
steal all our stuff.
I'd rather they stole our stuff
than our foursome virginity.
[CHUCKLES] I can't believe
they wanted to fuck us.
- No?
- I can. I'd fuck us.
We're totally fuckable people, babe.
Oh, I'm having the best time with you.
Yeah, me, too.
I was sad that the
family holidays are over,
- but this is just lovely.
- Yeah, it's lovely.
- To us.
- To us.
- Twang.
- Ah.
Oh, what's the time? I
left my phone in the room
- with the sexers.
- [ALLY] What is it?
- [PAUL] What the fuck?
Do you see how bad that would be for me?
- No, I don't!
- You don't?
- No, I genuinely don't.
Are you okay?
[GASPS] I think my waters have broken.
- Do something, Luke.
- Is it, um
[MAYA GASPS] Call Mum.
You sure it isn't a really big wee?
- It's not a wee.
- Because sometimes the baby
can push on the bladder,
- and it looks like
- It isn't a wee, Luke!
- Oh, my God! Um
- I think the baby's coming.
- We've still got five weeks!
- Mum's in Malta.
- My mum!
- Oh, um
I'll run and get the car.
I'll be 10 minutes, tops, okay?
- You come and sit back down.
- No, no, Luke, I-I need my mum.
Can you just call her? Please, now.
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