Brickleberry s02e12 Episode Script

- Flamey the Bear, Flamey the Bear.
He's the one you call when there's fire everywhere.
If you start a forest fire, then you should be scared.
Because you will be devoured by Flamey the Bear.
Go ahead, kids.
Test me.
Good morning, kids.
Remember, only you Ooh, I'm gonna get ya! Oh, no, kids.
It's a forest fire! Crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle.
Kids, how do we stamp out a forest fire? With water! Yay! I love the "Flamey and Friends" show.
Was that guy in the fire suit okay? No, he died.
But at least he died doing what he loved, like Hitler! So, you asked me over here just to watch an old Flamey the Bear show? No, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for a long time.
Ethel, I always really liked Um, I really like "Flamey goes to Harlem"! It's not what you think.
It's extremely racist.
I'm just gonna head home Unless you had something else planned for us.
I uh No.
Good night, Ethel.
Damn it, Steve! One day you'll have the guts to tell her you like her.
Oh, well.
At least I still have Flamey.
Another forest fire? Kids, how else can we stamp out a fire? Cut off the oxygen! Yay! Yay! Aah! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! Ten years ago, the Sparky Arson Memorial Forest, right here in Brickleberry, burned down, killing trees, displacing wildlife, and making it impossible to bury hookers there.
But the forest has grown back, and you know what that means! Time to empty out your prostitute freezer? Oh, right! Like I have a bunch of frozen hookers! Anyway, we're gonna have an official forest reopening ceremony, to be broadcast on Local cable! Oh, I'm hitting the big time.
Big time? Your colonoscopy had more viewers.
Hey, it was less gross than an episode of girls.
- Hey, I like girls.
- We know! Not to mention, once my old high school girlfriend sees this, she'll regret dumping me for that loser, Joe Montana.
Besides, Ethel, not all of us can get attention by flashing their sloppy beaver at a web cam.
No, I've had all those videos deleted.
- Nope, found one! - I'm taking the day off.
My sister died, or something.
Oh, we are pulling out all the stops! To cut the ceremonial ribbon, I'm even flying in Flamey the Bear.
Flamey the Bear? He's my hero! Really? What happened to Hoot-Hoot the Owl? I think he retired.
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
Give a hoot.
Anyway, I've followed Flamey's whole career, and when I was seven, he came to the opening of our local Winn-Dixie supermarket.
I brought my copy of his album for him to sign, "Flamey the Bear, jazz in your face," but I was too chicken to ask him.
What's your name, little boy? I pooped my pants.
Only you can get the hell away from me.
I need someone to watch Flamey while he's here and make sure he gets to the event on time.
Anybody want to volunteer? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, pick me! Me, me, me, me! Any non-Steves want to volunteer? - How about you, Denzel? - Nope.
I'll be busy winning the 100 grand in the "ass blasters" tournament.
Don't you mean "Bass Masters" tournament? God damn it! I've been ass blast training for three months! I really wanted to win that $100,000, but I'm not [Bleep.]
a fish.
It's for catching a fish, idiot.
And for 100 grand, I might enter.
Oh, Malloy, you don't know how to fish! That's sad, because you're a bear! Can't catch no fish! Touche, Woody.
Good thing I don't take insults like that personally.
Come on, Woody! Let me take care of Flamey.
- I can do this! - All right, fine, Steve! But Flamey has a very full itinerary.
Busy, busy! So don't screw it up! Denzel! Time for ass blaster training! I've got some bad news for you, Sensei.
Ain't no such thing as ass blasting.
Then what have I dedicated my life to? Aah! Banzai! Got to get in shape for the TV cameras.
Joe Montana, can suck it! Oh, God! Flamey will be here any minute, and so will those TV cameras.
How do I look? Good? Why'd you hesitate? What's wrong? Nothing? See, it's hard to believe you when you keep hesitating like that.
I'm not - Hesitating.
- Jesus, just tell me what the problem is! Seriously, your lips look like shit.
What? What's wrong with my lips? You can't even see them.
They look like two dried up worms.
Ah, I knew it! I'm ugly! I have shriveled worm lips! I can't go on TV like this! No, no! Don't worry, Woody.
It's nothing that a massive amount of plastic surgery can't fix.
My mouth looks like a goddamn chicken snatch! Only you can prevent fires in forests.
In the Royal Shakespeare Company, we used to call that a catchphrase.
Welcome to our humble park, Mr.
Flamey.
Nothing humble about it, old boy.
This is Mother Nature in all her glory.
Why, there, the majestic trees, a sparrow over there.
And there is a hillbilly nude from the waist down, high on methamphetamine's, eating pages from the Bible.
Hey, Flamey, love your work! Delightful.
Hi! My name is Steve.
I am your biggest fan.
Flattered, my good man, flattered.
And this must be your lovely girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
I mean, if I dated everybody I masturbated to, I'd be dating you, Flamey.
I think I'm going to like you, Steven.
Really? I actually met you a long time ago, at the opening of a Winn-Dixie.
I don't recall.
I just wanted you to sign this album.
Is there any way you could do it now? My apologies, Steven, but my busy schedule only allows me to sign breasts.
Well, I've got quite the pair of - Women's breasts.
- Isn't he great? Just don't take your eyes off him for a second! If he's not at that opening it's your ass Steve! And whatever you do, don't let him drink! - Why not? - Trust me, don't! Show me to your cabin at once, Steven.
If I don't pinch a loaf soon, it's going to pinch me back! A Flamey the Bear toilet.
Very interesting.
I've never shit in my own mouth before.
That's nothing! I've got "trivial pursuit; Flamey edition".
And your authorized sex tape with Liza Minnelli.
Oh, Liza! She had a crotch like a giant bowl of tarantulas.
Speaking of alcoholics, do you have anything here to drink, my good man? Um, I'm so sorry, but my boss said And this is crazy He said I couldn't let you drink.
That's too bad.
I was hoping we could toast to our new friendship.
Friendship? Friends? You and I are friends? - Of course we are, my boy.
- You know what? If you promise not to tell anyone, I have a little something I was saving for a special occasion.
To our friendship! To our friendship! Uh! Hey, Flamey, I just had a dream that you hit me on the head with Flamey? Oh, no! He's gone! I've got to find Flamey or Woody will kill me! - Hello? - How's it going with Flamey? Great, Woody! He's he's right here with me.
Uh, top of the morning to you! Going to the loo.
And this is CNN.
Oh, good, that's definitely him.
Now listen, he might try to trick you into giving him a drink.
Don't be stupid enough to fall for it.
Ah, how stupid do you think I am? Mm, I'd say somewhere between James Franco and the last shit James Franco took.
So, what do you think? Be honest.
- Do my lips look good? - No.
They look amazing! Way better than Joe Montana's.
Woo! Thank you so much.
This plastic surgery was a great idea, Malloy.
Yeah, it's just too bad that - Oh, never mind.
- What? I just feel like your lips are so perfect now, it makes your eyes look bad by comparison.
What's wrong with my eyes? I hate to do this.
It's nitpicking.
They're just a tad too close together.
Oh, you're right! My God, I'm a goddamn cyclops! Oh, I am the famous bear.
Who loves to drink and screw.
I'll drink and drink and drink.
It's my favorite thing to do.
Although I may black out, this thirst I cannot quench.
One time I came to naked balls-deep in Judi Dench.
He'll drink and drink and drink.
It's his favorite thing to do.
Because he's a famous bear who loves to drink and screw.
There you are! - Thank God.
- Steven, my boy! So glad you could make it.
Give us a kiss, love.
I'm sorry, but we have to get back to the park.
Meet my new friends! Great chaps.
Shit-kicker, Eddie one-tooth, and I believe this gentleman's name is "Super rape".
Don't be fooled by my name.
I'm just a regular rapist.
Nice to meet you? Drinks on my oafish, dull eyed friend! Maybe you should go easy.
Don't you have a birthday party appearance this afternoon? All taken care of! I got a friend to fill in.
Steve, my good boy, it's a bit loud and raucous in here.
Let's go somewhere quiet where we can talk.
Flamey, you know I love you more than life itself, but maybe we should get back to the Mr.
Bear! It is an honor to have someone of your stature in my humble titty bar.
Here! You want to feel good? No, I'd rather feel great! Jesus Christ! Your friend put this in my g-string.
"Steve owes you $20"? There's more where that came from! Give me those! Wow, did we have fun tonight.
Now, maybe it's time to go home.
Look at this, a trick Wink Martindale taught me! Oh, oh! Beautiful fire! But Flamey, I thought you hated fire! Do I, Steven? Do I? Hey, what the what the [Bleep.]
? Hey! Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi! - We gotta get you out of here! - Nonsense! The night has just begun, and the pills are just kicking in! What? Oh, [Bleep.]
! Well, took care of that eye situation! Kind of got a little blind spot from here to here, but hey, small price to pay for good looks.
Whoa! God damn, you do look good! You're just about perfect, Woody.
"Just about"? What do you mean, "just about"? Well, if I had godlike lips and eyes, I wouldn't want them competing for real estate with my oversized nose and ears.
I'd take those in just a smidge.
All right, let's g Oh, oh! Hey, Malloy, if you're gonna play with my frozen hookers, at least put 'em back! It's touch and go.
For 12 minutes, he was clinically dead.
And he's dead, again.
And now, he's back.
Do you think he can make it to a forest opening at 9:00 A.
M.
? Yes, of course, that is, if the forest opening is in hell.
Woody, I've got some really bad news.
- Second wind! - Uh, I'm gay.
Come on, Steven, the night is yo Hold on.
Some of these pills are still intact.
Allens-y, mon frere.
- Ah! - All right, Woody.
Let's get a look at your brand new face.
And, voila! Holy Christ, Malloy! You were right! I Am a goddamn Adonis! Oh, thank God! Flamey, there you are.
What are you doing out here? When I died, I saw a light.
And in the light was my dead mother, calling to me.
And the words she called out were Go buy some crack! Go buy some crack! Flamey, do not do all that crack! If you're that concerned about my well being, maybe you should smoke half of the crack for me.
Oh, my God, I love crack! And he loves you back, just as I do! Really? Will you sign my record now? I'll go you one better! I'll show you how to bed your ranger girl! It's quite simple.
First you Hey! You fat, furry fook! And you too, bear! You stuck me with the bar tab.
You burned down my club! Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.
And you mauled my kids! In fairness, that wasn't Flamey.
It was a real bear he sent to your house.
Ah, okay.
Steven, our backs are against the wall.
But they should have known better than to cross the two musketeers! All for one And one for Flamey? Uh-oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Ooh, oh, yeah! - Oh! Steven, old chap.
Hey, old fellow, well met! Flamey? Ethel? I told you I'd show you how to bed Ethel.
You do it like this.
In, out In, out In, out In! Out! - You okay, Steve? - Am I okay? Am I okay? No! You just [Bleep.]
Flamey the Bear on my Flamey the Bear sheets! I don't get why you're so upset, Steve.
He told me you gave him the green light since you and I are just friends.
He said that? Excuse me, Ethel.
I think it's high time I had a little talk with my idol.
Flamey, we have to talk.
We do.
I behaved horribly last night.
And I deeply, truly apologize.
Oh.
Well, okay.
But, still We both know I can't un [Bleep.]
Ethel.
But if it's any consolation, I'd like to sign your album! That would mean a lot.
Now, if I'm not mistaken, we have an event to get to by 9:00 A.
M.
I believe this is yours.
My Flamey the Bear vibrating fire fist? That's supposed to be for punching out fires! It's also good for wrecking your girlfriend's vagina.
The haircut looks great, Woody.
And after you've had some sun, you will be a ten.
Al right.
You're sure I haven't been in the sun too long? Relax, Woody.
It's called a base tan.
It's just that I can't really feel my skin anymore.
Fine! I'll put some sunscreen on you.
Malloy! I can't move my arms or legs! Ah, what the hell, Malloy? Aah! Look at the size of that fish! That sumbitch is huge! Fish fry, my place, 7:00, bring a side.
We are gonna need a shit-load of tartar sauce.
And remember the look on that chap's face when he saw that flaming urine coming at him? And then we smoked crack.
Do you know where I can get some more crack, by the way? You're a corker, my boy.
No, really.
I'd like to buy some more crack.
Oh, Steven.
Pull over at this Stop n' Go.
I'll buy us some breakfast.
I'll be right back, old friend.
"I had fun [Bleep.]
your girlfriend.
"Suck my dick.
Flamey the Bear"? That's it! All I've ever done is love you! And you're nothing but a washed up, drunken asshole! You don't deserve to wear this suit.
I hate you! I think I may be feeling regret for the first time in my life.
Does regret feel like numbness in your left arm, and then a crushing chest pain? - No, I think that's a heart attack.
- Oh.
Steven, I'm dying.
Again.
Take off my bear head, so that I might look on you.
With my own eyes.
I actually do remember meeting you at the Winn-Dixie.
You were a stocky lad with a misspelled Flamey shirt.
Yeah, that was me.
I remember, Steven, because - Come closer.
- Yes? Tell me.
I remember because I banged your mother in the back of your station wagon.
Her face was jammed into your booster seat.
When she climaxed She inhaled three goldfish Crackers.
In we go.
I think two feet is deep enough, all things considered.
Steve, how's Flamey? He's dead set on making it a killer event.
If he is not here in five minutes, you are fired! Don't mess with me, Steve.
I've had a really hard day.
Ow! We're here live for the grand reopening of the General Sparky Arson Memorial Forest.
We're here with head Park Ranger, Woody Johnson.
Hello, local television land! Oh, my God! Boo! Okay, Sandy, I get it! I'm a monster! A monster! So, that's your ex-boyfriend? Good morning, Brickleberry! God damn it! - Ewe! - Gross.
- Yuck.
- Oh, my God! Wow, I can't believe we won that ass blasting competition, Denzel.
I knew it was real! - Ba ba-da bum-bum.
- Bum bum.
Here to cut our ceremonial ribbon So put those cigarettes out, people The one, the only, Flamey the Bear! My name is Flamey the Bear.
You won't get away from us again, bear man! Uh-oh.
And as some of you may have seen, I can be a huge asshole.
But, I also gave hope to a kid who needed a hero.
No matter how imperfect that hero turned out to be.
And that's why, deep down, we all still love Flamey the Bear.
That was beautiful.
Let's kill him! Bobby, have you seen my Bible? I can't find it anywhere, and I gotta teach Sunday School.
I'd give it back to you, but I can't.
I ate that son of a bitch.
Uh! Hey, this dead guy tripped me! I'm gonna kick his ass.
Woo, phew-ee.
This dead feller smells like alcohol, Bobby.
We really need to be careful not to All right.
Now, you die.
Aah! Oh, my God! Flamey! Only you can save us! What would Flamey do? What would Flamey do? I got it! I love crack!