Broad City (2014) s05e07 Episode Script


1 [MUSIC PLAYS INDISTINCTLY] All chanting "Do it"] - Should we do it? - Let's do it! Let's do it! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] BOTH: Yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh! - Huh.
- Whoa! Who-a-a-a! [CHUCKLING] Y-e-eah! - Whoa! Oh! - Oh! [BOTH SHOUTING] Oh! Whoo! Oh! Yeah! Yeah! - [ALL CHEERING] - [MUSIC ENDS] We made a drink! - Yeah! - MAN: Excuse me.
Excuse me! Hey! Uh can I get a drink here or what.
Happy birthday, Craig.
[CHUCKLES] Whoops! [MUSIC RESUMES] Ooh! Four and three and two and one one LESLEY: Your ankle is the size of a grapefruit.
How did you not realize it was sprained? I mean, by that point in the night, I wasn't feeling much [CHUCKLING] of anything.
I learned that tequila is an upper I feel like it was, like, psychological, like the Gazebo effect.
Placebo effect? Yeah.
I thought that you said you were working.
It was just, like, a really lame catering gig, so we were, like, trying to make the most of it.
Thank you so much for coming over, Lesley.
You're the best girlfriend Whoa, girlfriend? - Yeah.
I mean, or partner.
I like - You - I like "girlfriend.
" - You know, this I think this actually brings up an interesting point.
" Yeah.
"Partner" is more lesbian.
- No, no.
Abb Please don't Abbi.
- I I Like, I know this now.
I actually think that that we should stop doing this.
Wait, okay.
Is this about the the "placebo" thing No, Abbi, it's It's a lot bigger than that.
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE] The mail, the mail The mail [CLATTERING] The mail Whoa, Yale.
Too Kavanaugh.
Cornell? [LAUGHS] You wish.
Too goyish.
[GASPS] Okay!! Here it is! Hunter freaking College, bish.
And [GASPS] [SCREAMS, LAUGHS] I'm in, Hunter College.
I'm freaking in! Master's, bitch.
Doctorate, bitch.
MD, bitch.
Well, Master's.
- [HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE] - Whoo! Grad student.
[LAUGHS] Acceptance letter, mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! Whoo! [KEYBOARD CLACKING] Hello.
Can I help you? I hear you offer student discounts.
So, we can't give you a student discount if you don't have a student ID, and this isn't a student ID.
Okay, but this says that I will be a student in like three months.
Oh, three months? Oh, that's almost as long as we've been having this conversation.
Okay, Zahm Zena.
Do we have a beef? Oh, my God, miss? - Okay.
I'm leaving.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Your hair.
It's perfect.
The curls are so plump yet so light.
[LAUGHS] Moi? Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
I know this is crazy, but would you consider modeling for us? Stop.
Okay, stop.
Is this some sort of perverted prank? Are you in on this 'Cause you've been a bitch the whole time? I know this is last-minute, but we're doing a shoot tonight.
[GASPS] You know what? I think that'll be good.
Perfection Just like your curls.
See you back here at 6:00 and be camera ready.
Okay, 6:00 P.
, camera ready.
Oh, my God, did you see that? That was amazing.
I'm on a call right now.
I can't talk.
Okay, something seems very locked up inside of you, so when you decide to change your life with therapy, give me a call.
I don't understand.
Like, Lesley, I-I like you so much.
We're just not on the same page.
I'm a doctor.
I do jiu-jitsu and have hobbies.
And you You just don't really feel like an adult yet.
And I'm sure your life is fun, but it's really just kind of a series of wild shenanigans.
Shenanigans? You're 20s are for wild "shenanigans.
" But aren't you 30? Wow, wow.
You're fucking nuts, Lesley! - What?! - Yeah.
Yeah, you're nuts.
I'm just saying that you need to grow up a little bit.
No, no, no.
You know what I write thank-you notes all the time.
And my phone screen isn't even cracked.
And guess what, Lesley? I'm going to a play today.
- I'm going to a matinée.
- Yeah, with Ilana's parents, who, I'm assuming, paid for the tickets.
Actually, you know what, Lesley? I think that we're done.
I think that you should get out of my house.
Finally on the same page about something.
You know what? Why don't you take your ugly-ass hat back, too.
I will.
[SCOFFS] Of course it looks cute on you.
God! - [GLASS CRACKING] - Oh, shit! Great.
Well, thanks a lot.
Now I do have a crack in my screen, - thanks to your stupid boot.
- Oh, did the wig not protect it? [DOOR SLAMS] [GRUNTS] It didn't.
DevaCurl?! Oh, my freakin' God, Ilana! - I know.
I know! - You're gonna be a model.
I literally could not have done this without you guys.
[GASPS] Also, I got into grad school today.
What? That's fantastic.
DevaCurl! Ah! Oh! I'm coming to the shoot.
Of course you're coming.
You're my number-one curl inspo.
[SIGHING] DevaCurl.
That is adult.
Whoo! She got the plaid slacks.
She got the pink sweater.
She got the tortoise-shell clip, bish.
- Yass! I love it! - Oh, my gosh.
Hold on.
Is this a grad student? - Oh, well, mm Yeah.
- Mm! - Yes! - I'm so proud of you, dude.
- Congrats! - [SQUEALS] Thank you! And you must be my sexy professor.
- [CHUCKLES] - Wow, Lesley is a true monster if she can break up with you looking like this.
Yeah, well she said I'm not "adult" enough - for her, so - Oh! I didn't realize she was a fucking heinous bitch.
She smells like fucking shit.
- She doesn't smell like shit.
- Always hated her never liked her.
Listen, it's fine, because I have been flooding my Instagram account with adult-ass pics all day so she can see what she's missing out on.
I love it.
Hence The New Yorker.
Hence The New Yorker, indeed.
Enough about Lesley, okay? Okay, so, um I am scared that my brother is leaving the city.
You know, I-I know that he's obviously going to be the perfect Jewish-Canadian VJ I'm sorry.
Is your eye okay? I'm just going for, like, a structured architectural brow today.
No, no.
Like, it's red.
It looks really irritated.
Yeah, I got this, like, AC drop in my eye before.
It was just, like, air conditioning pre-cum like Ninja Turtle juice.
It's fine.
Is it, though? [STAMMERS] Yeah, I'll just flush it out when I cry at the play later.
[GASPS] O-o-oh! [LAUGHS] Oh, my God! I didn't tell you the best news of all.
Lordy, lordy 'Cause Janet be 40 Yep, yep, yep, yep! Whoo-whoo! - What? - Girl, I got scouted to model for Devachan.
Okay? Whoo! - This is the Vision Board.
- That's it.
- Yes! - Yes! [BOTH LAUGH] [INDISTINCT TALKING] - [HORN BLARES IN DISTANCE] - Oh, here she is! My star my DevaCurl star.
No, we had a wild night.
Eliot, your sister is a DevaCurl hair model! I mean, this is really, very exciting - about the modeling, but, please - [CELLPHONE SHUTTER CLICKING] let us not forget this is Eliot's special day.
[VOICE BREAKING] It is bon voyage to New York.
My favorite neighborhood, no less - the Theater District.
- [HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE] Would it kill you to put a smile on your pretty face? You have a simply spectacular smile - my sweet baby.
- Hey, hey, hey, lady.
You want a picture with my daughter? She's a very famous hair model.
Can we just go inside, please? Yeah, you know, we got to cash in on this, El.
I mean, one of those whats-their-faces is worth, like, a billion dollars.
ILANA: You know, you really should be putting weight on the good foot.
Yeah, but it's I wanted the heel, so it just, like, works.
Look at how fast you're going.
Good job.
Hey, girls.
- Hungry? - [BOTH LAUGH] She's a professional.
Someone's making a dank Instagram story.
Yes, it's a story about a grown woman at the theater.
It's starting.
Damn it.
MAN: I'm so sick of this attic! Walk it off, Anne Frank! Shh! [APPLAUSE] ANNOUNCER: Please enjoy a brief intermission.
[INHALES SHARPLY] They're gonna win that Tony.
Oh, my God.
Dude Does your eye stink? [SQUELCH] [SNIFFS] Hoo! Yeah, it stinks.
What's going Holy shit! Ilana [SNIFFS] It smells like prosciutt.
You cannot go to the DevaCurl shoot like this.
You got to go to a doctor right away and get this cleared up, for the family honor! Doctor? I don't have a "doctor" "here.
" Wait, you don't have a doctor here? No one in the city does.
That's why it's a cesspool.
All right, it's an emergency! Go to the emergency room.
- Go to St.
- It's condos.
- All right, so Cabrini! - Also condos.
How 'bout that what's-his-name doctor on Houston St.
? It's not condos, but it's a Whole Foods.
- Again, why do you love this city? - [COUGHS] You got to get an ambulance.
You You smell like a dog's ass.
- What'd you say? - A dog's ass.
Dog's ass That's it? - What? - Mwah! Okay, I know who can cure me.
I got this.
Oh, I hope so.
Uh Oh, God.
Save me! Come on.
Hey, can you drive me downtown and just weave in and out of traffic very fast? Listen, I'm not a pedicab driver.
I'm a real estate broker.
Read the sign.
Okay, then why do you have a pedicab? It's the fastest way to get clients to apartments for multiple viewing.
You know, I think I-I know you.
- Are you a cop? - No.
But you showed my friend and I an apartment years ago, a bunch of shitty apartment.
I mean, they were all literal crime scenes.
Oh, yeah, crime scene homes are my speciality.
You know, I got an ex that works in the NYPD.
He hooks me up.
I just give him a hand job once and a while.
Okay, since we have a history can I please get a ride? This is a modeling emergency.
Look, I've been pedaling my butt off all day.
I mean, look at my feet.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Wait a minute.
Flex that thigh.
Whoopsie! I can see your short and curlies.
[LAUGHS] Let's go! [GRUNTS] - [BELL DINGS] - Damn.
There you go.
You got it.
You should see your ass from back here.
It's amazing.
It looks like a big heart.
- Thank you, Pam Move! Scram! - Oh, let's go! We have a medical emergency! - Look out for the baby the baby! - Get out of the way! [SCREAMS] [CLATTERING] - Well, well, well, Lesley.
- [CELLPHONE SHUTTER CLICKING] One of these babies could've been yours.
Lighting is terrible in here.
Gotta find another light source.
[GRUNTS] Here we go.
Lesley's not gonna know what hit her.
[SIGHS] [GROANS] Oh, sh Okay.
Ah! Yes! Ow! Hello? Somebody? H-Hello? Abbi? It's Lesley.
[LAUGHS] What's up girl? [DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE] Okay, I'm sorry.
I have to go before you.
I'm a model.
[SIGHS] - The doctor's with a patient! - Yeah, I'm a model.
S-Stop! Doctor Ohh! Sorry.
Ilana, I told you I can not spay-neuter a human, and it is not reversible.
No, I-I Googled that you were right about it.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm here about this.
- Ugh.
- [DOG WHINES] That looks bad.
Have a seat.
- Okay, good girl.
Good girl.
- [DOG WHIMPERS] [GROANING] Good Good girl! Well, I actually wanted to apologize to you.
For before.
[PANTING] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, did you see my Instagram? [CHUCKLES] - What? - Never mind.
Wh-Wh-What's up? Look, the truth is, I'm really set in my ways, and maybe I'm self-sabotaging this whole things because I have a lot of fun with you shenanigans and all.
I mean, who am I to judge the way you live? You know, you're you're figuring it out.
Well, thanks I mean, thank you for saying that.
I [SIGHS] You really hurt my feelings this morning.
I know, and I'm so sorry.
Do you think there's any way that we can try this again? You mean, like, get back together? Yes.
I'd really like to keep seeing you, Abbi.
I think you're great.
Well, I think you're great, too.
I mean, [GRUNTS] what are you, uh What are you doing tonight? Well, I think I may have a date with my very adult, very sexy artist girlfriend.
I mean, I'm down to hang.
Um, before we lock in any logistics I've, u-um gotten myself in a little bit of trouble.
[LAUGHS] But, uh, I do need I do need you to call 9-1-1.
- What? - And then you know what? You pick dinner.
It's totally on you.
I'm cool with whatever.
Jesus Christ, Abbi.
You know, I've gotten New York City water droplets in my mouth before, and I was fine.
I did have bloody stool for a week or two, but that's pretty typical for me in the summer.
Well, this is conjunctivitis.
- No! - Yes.
You cannot get any closer than this to anyone.
Please! I have a photoshoot tonight.
What if I'm paired with a curly-haired, non-binary model, and it's a love scene? - And a little bit of a pinch.
- Mm! One, two, three.
- Okay.
- Hey! Thank you.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Okay, so this is gonna clear up my eye and make me "gorgus" for the evening.
No, that's your third round of Hep B shots.
You have another one scheduled for next month.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna write you a prescription.
And this is gonna clear your eye up in about two weeks.
Two fuggin' weeks?! No, no, no! Look, honey, I'm a model now, and this here is my money maker.
Don't you have something quicker, like bovine growth hormone that Madonna shoves up her crack? I need something that will clear me up tonight.
- There is one option.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] - LOUIS: Work those curls, Mama.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING] Nasty little duet.
Yeah! Kinky, kinky.
Give me a realness.
Volume, volume.
Work it, Mama.
Yeah, Shirley Temple.
Now lose the glasses, baby.
Uh Cut the music! - [MUSIC STOPS] - What's with the patch? What is this? Today I'm serving, um "Kill Bill" realness.
Yeah, more like Bob Costas realness.
Lose the patch.
You don't want to see what's under here.
- Well, then the shoot's over.
- Whoa, whoa.
What's the problem? Uh, and who are you? - I'm the manager/mother.
- Stop it.
You're curls make your daughter's curls look like trash.
The rare triple helix the Holy Grail of curls.
You must sleep sitting up.
Of course I do, I'm not an animal.
This is really last minute, but we're totally in a bind.
You could save the day.
You better work Whoo! You own everything.
Louis Vuitton, CHANEL.
All right Yaas! Slay Curl Kween! [VOICE BREAKING] For the family honor.
[ABBI SIGHS] "The cast is electric"? What an idiot.
[SIGHS] Huh.
[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE] Doo, doo, doo - Daa - Wow.
Daa daa Doo Daa daa daa Doo, doo Daa daa Doo, doo, doo Daa, daa-daa-daa-daa Doo, doo, doo, doo Daa Doo, doo Daa daa Doo Daa, daa-daa-daa-daa Doo, doo, doo Daa daa-daa Doo, doo Doo Doo, doo, doo Daa Doo, doo I would love to Scream Okay, so this psycho dumped you a second time in one day while you're hanging between two buildings, two stories above concrete? - This bitch is a menace.
- Right? But then there was, like, this fire woman that was rescuing me.
She was, like, carrying me down, and I was, like "Who are you?" Like, she was hot.
- Yas.
- It's cool that I can see that now.
I mean, the female form God's hottest creation.
Oh, yeah "Made in Her image.
" - Hmm? - It's a Catholic thing.
Man, I'm just so bummed my modeling career is over before it started.
But my mom was incredible.
- Wow.
- She slayed.
I got to show you.
Oh, my God.
She posted all about it.
Who's that? Huh? Aww.
[INHALES SHARPLY, EXHALES] God, everybody's moving away, huh? But not the most important one.
[SMOOCHES] The most important person [SMOOCHES] of my life.
[SMOOCHES] I'd give everybody else up.
Show me Why don't you show me pictures of your mom, - 'cause I didn't see it.
- Yeah, I didn't even give it to ya.
Holy shit.
I'm like, "Go, girl!" Slay, girl.
Work it, girl.
"Covergirl! Slay, Mama!" - Covergirl! - Covergirl! - Be the curl.
- BOTH: Covergirl! - Covergirl! - Covergirl.
- Covergirl! - Covergirl! Devachan.
- Covergirl! - Ow! Dude! - Ooh.
I'm sorry.
- Ow! [GROANS]