Broad City (2014) s05e08 Episode Script

Sleep No More

1 If there were a hypothetical compost vessel for hypothetically our doodie, would you hypothetically be into that? Sure! I been crashing on friends' couches for a month, so I can literally move in to-morr-ow, all right? Let me ask you this.
When I take a shower, will you keep me company? Not Not in the shower, just, like, sit on the toilet and talk to me? Okay.
Okay, I just have one final question.
- Mm-hmm.
- What is your stance on the Olsen twins? Oh, my God, girl, the Olsen twins.
It drives me nuts, you understand? - Part of it is like I feel sorry for them.
- Yes.
But they also billionaires, so I hate them.
- Yes! Right.
- But, I mean, did they ask for this? - No, they did not.
Okay? - Unh-unh.
Why would you have Uncle Jesse picking them up, kissing them to get women? What woman sees that as a turn-on? What kind of move is this? Child, that whole set is about to be Bill Cosby.
- You hear me? - Bizarre.
Okay? MeToo moments every damn where.
- That's it.
I mean, give it to me.
- For real.
- Lay it down.
- Hello? I mean, we vibing, right? - Child.
- Ye-e-es! - Beezy! - All ri-i-ight! Ha ha ha! Ah, yes! Now, just tell me, what room do I take, okay? Well, you have officially secured yourself a backup offer.
Backup? It's just that I have one more brown-eyed, goy-nosed, fat-assed, beautiful candidate left to explore.
Well, girl, you've literally just described me.
[CHUCKLING] Well, it looks like I have a type.
[SIGHS] I will get back to you in 24 hours.
Can you make it 23? 'Cause I really love this place.
[CLATTER] That's never happened before.
Four and three and two and one one I'm scared.
I don't know how to say it or when or where or how exactly.
You haven't told Ilana you're moving to Colorado yet?! I do not envy you.
When we told her we were getting rid of her car, - we took her to see Savion Glover - King of tap.
and we even snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws Those are her favorite and she still wanted to declare legal emancipation.
And you better tell that bitch soon because I'm only good up to a certain point when it comes to keeping a secret.
Like, 12 hours ago, Eliot tells me he's having an affair Can you believe this? with a married man, married to a woman! He's a homewrecker, Abbi! Fuck.
See? 12 hours.
I can't help myself.
Okay, okay, I-I'll do it today.
Butter her up flowers, weed, something special.
Just tell me it's gonna be okay.
Bobbi? Bob, you're froz Okay, I can see the ceiling fan still moving in the background.
[ILANA LAUGHS] ILANA: What? Dude, what? Wait.
We both bought each other a dozen roses? [LAUGHS] That is amazing.
Can you believe - Okay, these are for you.
- And those are for you.
Can you believe we are so psychically linked? No, and and, luckily, nothing you know, no space or time or distance or anything would ever change that or take that away.
Not even death.
- That's hot.
- Yeah.
So, today, we are going to do something that you have wanted to do forever, baby.
What? [LISPING] "Sleep No More"! [LAUGHS] Are you serious? [NORMAL VOICE] Uh-huh! God, I love living in New York City.
You just You can't beat it.
You get to be physically near the cutting edge of art and culture and then, just a mere decade later, actually afford to experience it.
- Mm-hmm.
- But wait.
Aren't you gonna be too scared to go? I mean, I'm excited.
I am also scared, but it is gonna be scary, right? It's not intended to be scary.
It's kind of like interactive, modern version of "Macbeth.
" Ooh! Shakespeare.
I love Shakespeare, all his stuff.
God, Shakespeare was fucking cool, 'cause he was bisexual as hell, dawg.
Also, you see visible vulva and penis in this show.
Ah! This is gonna be so good, because I want to go into this new experience because, like, I want to be uncomfortable to grow.
Beesh, I hear deesh, 'cause I believe in us growing together, no matter what form that may take.
Me too, dude.
Together forever! [HOT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] Petticoats, please.
If you could keep these vertical, that would be great.
And, hey, is there a particular penis-and-vulva viewing room? I-I was told there would be visible vulva.
Uh, you know, this is more of a this is honestly more of like a follow-the-action, choose-your-own-adventure type show.
Just follow the rooms.
I bet it's multiple rooms.
It is scary, see? 20 people on one elevator, yes.
Actually terrifying.
Things aren't always as they seem here.
Trust no one.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] I trust you.
I was right there.
- Me? - No, not you.
God! Jesus.
You I trust you.
- Me? - Oh, my God! No! What?! Are you bothering this girl? Ilana? Okay.
God, let's go.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I can't look.
What do you think's gonna happen to her? Ab, if this is too scary for you, we can go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, it's just kind of scary not knowing, - like, what's gonna happen next.
- [THUD] [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] We gotta do new stuff and expand.
It's the best part of life! Even if we are scared and terrified, we gotta do it like, new parts of the world, new ideas, new new parts of the the country.
- Ooh, like Queens.
- Yeah, yeah.
Or, like, further wherever, you know? Like, I'm in, dude.
Girl, I love inner.
Go in.
Go deep.
And, you know, when your best friend is by your side, there's nothing to fear.
- [FART] - [LAUGHS] Oh, man.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] [SNIFFS] Ew, do you smell that? Yeah, someone must have crop-dusted us all, huh? Brilliant theatrical choice! It was me.
Oh, my God.
Nurses are never good.
Although I do love the long-lost art of letter-writing.
I'm just like, "Where are the chills and/or thrills?" You know, I want to be either really scared - or really horny.
- Are you kidding me? This is the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen.
- Oh, my God! - [MAN GROANING] I don't want to go on! Yeah, it's working.
It's working.
Gorgeous cursive.
Yes! Candy! Okay, jackpot.
Oh, my God.
Except I know what's going on.
This is like What if this is like a little sweet spot so they you let your guard down 'cause you're, like, surrounded by candy, and then this is where they really hit you with, like, the terrifying, like, terrible stuff.
Chill out.
Nothing terrible's gonna happen.
- I mean, you don't know that, but - In fact I know how to make - a sweet memory even sweeter.
Abbi, you are the best thing that's ever come into my life, and I know I'm taking a big swing here, but I'm just gonna go for it.
So, as I look for a roommate to replace Jaimé, I'm thinking, like, "Abbi and I spend a lot of time together.
"We get along.
" [LAUGHS] Why not spend more time together? I'm talking covering each other's rent once in a while.
I'm talking knowing what each other's orgasms sound like instead of merely fantasizing about it.
[CHUCKLES] Abbi Gary Anna Abrams [SMOOCHING] will you be my roommate? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] [SIGHS] Uh, I You know what? [CLEARS THROAT] Don't even worry about it.
Never happened.
Uh, I [CHUCKLES] I-I get it.
I acknowledged the swing-size, and I even secured a backup offer.
She's very fucking cool, so it's it's chill.
It's It's chill.
I really It's cool.
No, no, no Wait, wait, wait.
Dude, not It's [INHALES DEEPLY] Fuck.
You're scaring me.
I-I didn't want to tell you when we were in here.
All right, all right.
I-I was going to tell you today.
Um, I got accepted to an artists' residency program in Boulder Colorado.
And I'm gonna go.
I was, um, gonna sell my shit and use this as an opportunity to move.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] - What - Ilana! - the fuck - Dude? Ilana? - are you talking about?! - Ow! Ilana, um We need to get you into therapy today.
This is an emergency, okay?! This is an emergency! Okay, fun fact-o, Ilana Did you know that you could fly to Boulder on a connecting flight through O'Hare with a layover in Pittsburgh for $42? I mean I had never looked up how to fly to "Boulder.
" Ew! - All right, all right.
- O'Hare?! I don't know what that is! Is that Gaelic?! This is a little Google, what is Boulder?! - [MAN MOANS] - Jesus! - No! - God.
You didn't even tell me you were applying.
Do you not consider me someone to talk shit through with? - Are we not partners in that way? - Of course I do, Ilana.
You're my only friend.
Well, I guess you've been stuck with me for awhile, - but not anymore.
I-I don't feel that way.
Ilana, wait.
Just wait.
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, my goodness.
Ilana? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
You have ruined the best part of this interactive production for me.
Not now.
I'm sorry, dude.
I-I'm sorry.
I feel really stuck in my life right now, okay? Nope.
I need a change.
This is just like you with grad school.
I mean, you were settling into a track and figuring out your career.
Yeah, but I picked a school in New York.
I factored you in.
I always factor you in.
Otherwise, I would've talked to you about it.
I know.
I-I know.
I-I'm sorry.
Well, does does anybody else know? I mean, I just talked to my mom and and your mom.
You told my mom?! That is so violating to me.
Ugh! I'm sorry.
Just hold on a second.
Ilana? [EERIE MUSIC PLAYING] [SIGHS] What a bitch.
[SLURPS] Ilana, come on.
I can not believe that you would not tell me this shit if there was even a chance of you going.
Dude, I was scared.
I-I mean, I'm still scared.
Do you think that I want to leave you? [SCOFFS] No, I almost wish I didn't even get in so I wouldn't even have to do this.
Ha ha ha.
Like you're not gonna get in to some art program you apply to.
You are the best artist in the world of all time! No, I'm not.
Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.
I need to go out and do this thing and and have an audience that's more than just you and and my parents.
This is the first opportunity I have had to finally live and breathe art rather than breathing in, like, leftover prosciutto-wrapped dates that I stole from my catering gig.
They're so good, though.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I continually take them, but, I mean, then rats come, and I just, like, haven't figured out how to It wouldn't be an issue and you wouldn't have to leave New York if you just flushed them down the toilet or wrapped them in tinfoil and then put them in a five-gallon Ziploc.
It's not about me not knowing how to flush them.
It's not about that.
I mean, it is a teeny bit about, like, the methodical strategies in which we have to avoid rats.
For the past eight years, I have cleaned out - hundreds of people's pubes out of toilet bowls.
So many strangers so many have thrown up on me.
You do get thrown up on an exorbitant amount.
Dude, I am 30 years old.
I'm done with New York.
I get it.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm really I'm gross.
I made this all about me, and it's not about me.
But I thought you would've told me, but, you know, I just need time.
I need time to process this, I process the thought of you leaving.
Once I have that for a few months, [SIGHS] you know, whatever see my therapist, double up for a little while, and and push it through a little bit.
Just a little time, and it'll be okay.
I'll be there to support you, I promise.
So, speaking of - Sorry.
- Speaking of time Speaking of Uh, speaking of time [BREATHES SHAKILY] [CLEARS THROAT] So, the the program starts in two weeks.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] What are you talking about?! - [CLATTERING] - Don't leave! Oh, my God.
Stop doing this.
We've had years together, bitch! - You crazy fucking bitch! - Holy shit.
- What are you talking about?! - Ilana, stop.
Ilana? - [SCREAMS] - [CROWD GASPS] [RUSTLING, APPLAUSE] So, uh, what do you want to do now? I think we should just go home.
Come on, Ilana.
We can't end today like this.
It's still early.
Oh, my God.
I need something in my stomach so bad.
Mmm! Are you not you're not into it? I'm just not that hungry.
Ilana you are the best friend I have ever had in my whole life.
And I know that everybody is leaving.
I'm sorry.
I know that this is, like, the worst timing.
I just Dude, I I need to, like, change my life.
I could do this in New York with you forever.
I don't want to.
Not because of you not because I don't want to do this with you.
It's just, I'm gonna be illustrating all day, every day.
Like, all the time, I'm gonna be immersed in it.
I need you to be with me for this next journey, dude.
I Like, I need that.
You ruined "Sleep No More" for me.
I didn't even get to get off during the orgy scene.
Get off? In the In the room? People do.
It's really dark.
You know, Ab, I've always looked up to you, and I've always admired you for being a deep and mysterious queen, but I'm gonna be right there with you.
I'm gonna watch you and let you fly, or whatever.
I know that this residency is gonna be a good experi [GAGS] Ew.
[COUGHS] - Mm.
- You all right? What I mean to say is that I know that this experience is necessary for your [GAGGING] growth.
You all right? Okay.
I'm really proud of you.
[BREATHING DEEPLY] Thank you so much, dude.
That means the world to me, really.
Listen, Ilana, you're gonna become, like, this badass therapist who teaches people to grow the way you helped me grow.
I mean, you're gonna teach them how to feel their feelings and how to do sex the right way.
- There's no right way.
- See? This is what I'm talking about.
Can I ask one thing of you? Anything, dude.
I want more of your hair.
I want a long-ass tail for sniffing.
Uh [SCISSORS SLICE] I-I shape my phone wigs when the train gets stuck between stations.
Um, so Okay.
I-I-I would love to.
I'm not talking about shavings.
The root.
You should feel metal on your scalp skin.
[SNIFFS] [SIGHS] Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know when the sun's gonna set, but maybe we can, like, walk a little bit down Okay.
Talk soon.
Okay, handshake.
Yeah, so, you can move in straight up tomorrow.
Yes! Amazing! Thank you! And I'm sorry about that backup-offer shit before.
I promise I will be a normal roommate.
Oh, I-I forgot to tell you one small thing Well, actually, two really big things.
I have two Great Danes.
Is that cool? Yeah.
Yes! I'm so glad you love dogs.
- Later.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] [VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS] I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same I felt anxious when I came, and things were never the same I felt anxious when I came Oh, my God.
Lookit, they love you! - Mm.
- [DOGS BARKING] Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go, come on, come on.
Come with Mama.
Come on, let's go.
[CELLPHONE BEEPING] [BREATHES DEEPLY] What? Okay, um, Ilana, please don't hang up.
I-I know you need space right now, and and I really want to respect that, but you have asked me this hundreds of times, literally, since the moment I met you, and it looks like today is the day.
I'm gonna show you my poop.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
This means so much to me.
Here we go.
[GASPS] [LAUGHS CRAZILY] Fuck! Queen! You must be an Ashkenazi Jew 'cause you are lactose in-toler-ant! - Right? - No way could that have been all in your stomach at one time! It was definitely exiting your esophagus as it was entering your small intestine.
- Whoo! - I do feel lighter.
Hoo! Thank you.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Ilana, I needed that to work, dude.
I am so sorry, and I knew that showing you my poop would cheer you up.
My poop My poop, my poop My [DEEP VOICE] poop - You sound good.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Thanks.
I-I did it a few times before I called you.
You know, I-I guess this distance thing could make us closer in some ways.
Thank you for saying that.
Can I see it one more time? Okay, one more time.
And then I really have to flush, 'cause I, like, can't breathe in here anymore.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - Oh, Jesus.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Dude, no! Ilana, no screenshots.
Delete that.
That's not fair.
- Yamaneika! Come here! - [DOG BARKS] Ilana, I need to talk to you about something.
I got accepted into an artists' residency program in Boulder, Colorado.
Ilana, say something! For crying out loud, dude! Talk to me!