Broad City (2014) s05e09 Episode Script

Along Came Molly

1 ["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYING ON PIANO] Dude, I have always wanted to do this "Heart and Soul" in Washington Square Park.
Speaking of hearts and souls, you know the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory over there? Okay.
1911, 146 immigrants mostly women, of course were working in a factory inside.
A fire began.
They were trapped.
They were locked in! If they weren't incinerated alive, they jumped out the windows, plummeting to their deaths.
Okay, cool.
What's next on the list? Whoo! Yeah.
Where to next? Let's go! [SIGHING] Cool.
What an exquisite park.
It really is.
Made only more exquisite if the Central Park 5 hadn't been wrongfully accused of rape and thrown in jail for their entire young adult lives, for no other reason than being black and brown boys.
Ugh, the '80s, when wrongful conviction was still a novelty.
fully L! Come on.
Well, well, well.
14 West 10th Street.
Oh, my God, dude.
Mark Twain lived here! I've read, um, like, a bunch of his stuff.
- Hmm.
- It's an historic landmark.
It's also known as the "House of Horrors" 'cause in 1987, this lawyer Joel Steinberg and his girlfriend, Hedda Nussbaum, adopted a girl and beat her into a coma and blamed it on freebasing too much coke.
Yeah, right.
And get this They both roam free today! Steinberg lives in Harlem, with a garden! - [GASPS] - A garden! The fucking nerve! New York, New York, it's a helluva town Right? [CHUCKLES] C'mon, we got a ferry to catch.
[SIGHS] ABBI: Man, I'm really gonna miss that skyline.
Takes my breath away, you know? It's nuts that the whole damn thing is really just one giant burial ground.
It's like beauty-beauty-beauty, bodies-bodies-bodies! Yeah.
Swindled from the Native Americans for just $24.
Same price as this breakfast.
Oof! - Only in New York! - Only in New York! Four and three and two and one - Hey! - Hey! [BOTH CHUCKLE] Yeah, so, this is nuts, right? I mean, it's finally starting to sink in.
One week left, dude.
One week left.
God, Ilana, your nose is bleeding, dude! Oh, my God.
I didn't even feel it.
- Are you okay? - Whoo! Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fine.
I'm good.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah.
Okay, let's sell.
Shit! It's not like a dorm-dorm, it's a like a building for grad students and Artists in Residence.
- Take a break? - Yeah.
- Legs.
- Legs, legs, legs! Legs, aah.
Since we only have one week left, I have planned a surprise! Okay, please tell me it's not tickets to the musical - about Jimmy Fallon's childhood! - "Born to Giggle?" No, Ilana.
We are going to see Lil Wayne.
[GASPING] [YELLING] Yasssss! Oh, my God! What a sweet, goddess-like gesture.
Thank you, girl! You been taking supplements? No, why do you ask? So, Ilana, one more thing.
This is big and kinda scary but so fun.
Okay, so, I'm bring a friend with us tonight.
And her name is Molly.
- Okay, break? - Okay.
- Legs, legs.
- Legs, legs, legs.
I just have been under the impression that we were gonna wait until we were in separate states to make new friends.
No, dude Molly, like MDMA.
Who are you, Molly dang Cyrus? - I've never done Molly! - No, I know, and I've only done it the one time where I stole the van.
One week before you move 1,972 miles away, I finally get to meet Perfect Abbi.
[CHUCKLES] You must've looked that up, huh? [GULPS] - Legs.
- Oh, legs.
- Got it? Right over there.
- Yeah.
Wait, cool.
- Legs.
- Legs.
- Legs! - Legs! Damn, we carried that, yes! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not trash! You can't take it! I will not be bullied! It's Trash Day.
Can you believe he thought this was trash? What? [CHUCKLING] Okay, the tickets for tonight were a little bit expensey, - so we gotta sell.
- Yes.
Well, this couch is gonna be an easy sell.
Look at her.
But, dahm, Danielle, we have some freaking memories on this thing.
First time we split those two whole pizzas.
Oh, my God.
And the hurricane! That time I made out with Bevers ly.
- What? - Beversly.
Do you know Beversly? Ohh, she's, like, weird and, like, quirky, - and, um, queer and fluid, and, um, you know, just like, mixed race, and, um, I saw her on the street, and I brought her back up and made out with her on the couch.
- Beversly.
- Well Um, I know that we just, um, carried the couch - down three flights of stairs.
- Yeah? But, um, I kinda wanna keep it now that we're looking at it and talking about it.
Ilana, you should keep it, dude.
- That would make me feel better.
- It would help.
So, we'll just leave it here for now, and we'll figure out how to get it back to your place before the concert.
That'll be a problem for "later us.
" Yeah, "they'll" figure it out.
Sir, this is pre-fall 2010 CB2 Resort collection? Have a nice day.
Damn, you are seriously good at this! We were just, uh, carrying the couch down three flights of stairs.
And I was thinking, imagine if these cushions could talk.
They would talk about, uh, lost coins or, um, hot farts, or people who've unexpectedly made out after one of them - opened up his relationship.
I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that.
[BOTH SQUEALING] - [GIGGLES] - Shh! - Shut up! Shut up! - Shut up! Shut up about that! Shh! [HIGH-PITCHED] Nobody know dat! Hey, hey, hey.
What are you guys giggling about? - Nothing.
- Nothing! - No.
- What? No! The couch! No-o-o-o! Shit! What do I do? I know a cut-through! Come on.
Aah! Come on.
Got it.
We got it.
Gotta go.
Yeah? [BOTH CACKLE] What the fuck are we doing? I have no idea, dude! Okay, dude.
What about this, um, scooper, compressor, crusher thing? - The couch is gonna be killed! - No, no.
The compactor only works when the truck is static.
The dudes'll have to come out to grab cans, and we'll contact with them then! Are you, like, - "in your element" up here? There was a moment in time where trash was very comforting to me.
Well, I'm glad you're comfortable.
We'll just wait here until it stops, and then we are on our way to see Lil Wayne! Whoo! Okay, it should stop soon, right? That's what garbage trucks do, They stop every half a block and hold up traffic, and then you're stuck in a cab on 10th street, you end up peeing in a Slurpee cup and paying double the fare.
Some Sometimes.
Some people do.
Actually, the stops are totally dependent on districts.
It's all zoned out by zip codes.
It's like It's pretty organized.
- It's pretty awesome.
- Are you a Garbage Pail Kid? - Tell me.
- Or Or I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.
Wait, hold on.
What? That is insane.
What do you mean, Corn Flakes were meant to curb masturbation? I mean exactly what I said, Ms.
Kellogg's - of the Kellogg's Cereal Empire was a bizarre white man who was aggressively anti-sex and feared that bold flavors would make people horny.
So he invented Corn Flakes to stop people from getting it on.
I always wanted Frosted Mini-Wheats, so I steered clear.
Ding ding, dawg That's fucking Kellogg's! - Huh.
- [BRAKES HISS] Oh, my God.
The truck stopped! I literally forgot we were on it.
Go, go, go.
We'll get it out really quick.
Come on.
Ugh, this is too heavy.
The fuck do you think you're doing? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
Hello, gentlemen.
- Um - This is actually my couch.
And we are just taking it taking it back.
Once we collect the trash, it's city property.
But, um, it's just that, um, I just wanted to keep it.
'Cause, uh, Abbi's moving next week and we're best friends! - She's mine! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Your nose again, dude.
- You okay? - What is this, dude? What is this? I don't know what I'd do if Ike moved away.
We've been on this route together for 15 years.
15 years of wives and kids and Little League games.
Mistresses, union scabs.
[LAUGHS] Gettin' made.
[LAUGHS] - Come on, Abe.
- All right, you know what? - Take the couch.
- Really? - Yeah, take the couch! - Guys! Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
You are so sweet! - Wow.
- Yeah.
- Incredible strength.
- Wow.
Thank you guys so much.
- Saved our lives.
- All right.
Bye, ladies.
- Bye, ladies.
- Bye, ladies.
[SIGHS] Oh, my God.
Ilana, fuck, dude, the concert starts so soon! What are we gonna do? I would've loved to rinse off before we went to the show, but I know that Wayne likes a stinky pussy.
Uh, that It's That's great.
- You mean, the couch.
- I meant for the couch.
Oh, I have no fucking idea.
I mean, is there a world in which we take the sofa to the concert? [LE TIGRE'S "DECEPTACON" PLAYING] Every day and night Every day and night I can see your disco disco Is sucking my heart outta my mind I'm outta time, I'm outta time I'm a gasoline gut with a Vaseline mind, but Wanna disco? Wanna see me disco? Let me hear you depoliticize my rhyme One, two, three, four You got what you been asking for You're so policy free and your fantasy wheels And everything you think and everything you feel Is alright, alright, alright, alright, alright Okay.
Get around this.
Okay, legs, legs, legs, legs, legs! [BOTH GROAN] - Damn.
- Okay.
So we'll just, like, leave it here, go to the show, and bring it home after? No.
I know what to do.
[SNICKERS] [SCOFFS] Okay, my friend.
Meet my other whacky little friend, Molly.
It's really nice to meet you, Molly.
I've heard a lot about ya.
Here we go.
Whatever this is gonna be.
Whoo! [SCANNER BEEPS] How's it going? [SCANNER BUZZING] [COMPUTER HUMS] These are invalid.
You girls gotta move along.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got them on Craigslist.
So just, like [LAUGHING] Did you just say Craigslist? Girls ain't never heard of StubHub? These are for sure fake.
Get out of my line.
And how old are y'all anyway? I can't tell, 'cause the outfits aren't matching the faces.
Next? I'm sorry, dude.
I'm a fucking idiot.
No, you are not.
Craigslist is the most legitimate business, okay? The last time we used it, we cleaned that dude's apartment in our underwear.
I see.
I bet No, I know that we can find - some silly-ass way in here.
Okay, we gotta do this before the Molly kicks in.
[CHUCKLES] God, I'm feeling something, you know? It is upon us.
[CHUCKLES] Abbi! Come.
- What? What? - Look at the vent Okay.
We get up there.
If we can, we crawl inside.
We sneak inside the venue.
We're done.
Oh, my God.
I have a Swiss Army knife.
It can unscrew the screws! Okay.
I know exactly how we get up there.
You get on my shoulders.
You do the thing.
You pry it open.
You crawl inside.
Oh, my gosh.
Once I'm inside, I'll, like, take my clothes off, and I'll, like, tie 'em all in a rope, okay, in a knot.
And I'll pull you up.
I'm actually getting hot anyway, so this works out.
Yas, bitch! This is fully happening! - We are such a team.
- Incredible.
- All right, so - Maybe like that, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, put one arm.
You know, what if we, like, use the wall Yeah, yeah.
If my back pushes up against the wall - Against the wall.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And then we'll go - Yeah, right this way.
[GASPS] - Ladders! - Ladders! Abbi, this is so beautiful! Dude, you ever think about how many Lil's there are besides Wayne? Lil' Kim, Lil' Yachty, Lil' Dicky, Lil' Dookie, Lil' Rel, Lil' Deval, Lil' Papa, Lil' Mama, Lil' Uzi Vert Wait, wait, wait.
Vert, like a Like a string bean? Like a the legume? No, no, no.
That's [FRENCH ACCENT] Haricot Vert.
Oh, my God.
If I was a rapper, my name would be Les Petites Haricot Vert.
Oh, my God! I'd be Lil' Webding! Oh, my God.
I'd be I'd be Lil' Lil Two-ply.
- Lil' Clit Stem.
- Oh, my God.
- I'd be Lil' Nap Time? - [BOTH LAUGH] Lil' Mammogram to advertise the importance - of getting mammograms.
- Oh! Okay, dude, should we go down here? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maybe let's try.
The "litter" stayed light! [SHRIEKING] The litter stayed light.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Whispering is so dope.
- I forgot.
- Yes.
Do you hear him? I forgot we were at a Lil Wayne concert! Me, too! Oh, my goodness.
But, like, he he sounds different, right? Yeah.
Yeah, it's like, I love how I don't necessarily love it, you know what I mean? But I'm an unconditional ride-or-die for him, and I'm grateful for what we went through to get here! Me, too.
Me, too.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
- No! What?! Please! - I have such a good idea.
Dude, gotta try to reposition.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
It's sounds It's sounds like we're, like, right above the audience, right? Right.
- Okay.
What if we dropped down? - No.
Dude, what if we dropped down? There's gotta be, like, a door down.
We drop down onto the audience.
- Dude, or - Break some skulls, dude! Or the stage.
Like, we drop down onto the stage, and we're, like, part of it.
Okay, yes.
- Right.
- Fully fucking yes.
- Yeah.
- Or we could go back to the alley that we were hanging at, and just not be inside a vent? Yeah.
We got our own Lil' Weezy concert right here.
Yes, dude! [LIL WAYNE'S "A MILLI" PLAYING] Dude, can I tell you something? Anything.
- You can tell me anything, dude.
I don't know if I know who I am without you.
I don't have the same sense of self I thought I did.
Dude, I am terrified.
I'm like, "Do I even, like, know how to make new friends?" I'm like do I like people, even? I don't even know, you know? Well, see, that's my damn problem, dawg.
I worry in retrospect that I've been co-opting your time and keeping you from growing, - you know what I mean? - No, dude.
I feel like I've been relying on you for like, my confidence.
Like, I didn't even know my ass was dope until you taught me it was.
It's like, you don't just, like, keep bringing people fish, you know? You teach them how to use their ass.
And then they never go hungry, you know what I mean? They never go hungry.
Oof, dat ass, though.
Damn, girl! Shit, bitch! You know, like, I need to make, like, meaning of my own, you know, as an individual, rather than peg - LOL Remember Jeremy? - Yes! Everything on the entity that is us.
I wanna be, like, in a relationship like we have, but someone who I have sex with, you know, and, like, I cuddle with and shit.
Tell me about it! You know, I realize now that I didn't give Lincoln really a full, true, and real shot 'cause I always made you my priority.
And you know what? Now that I think about it, these nosebleeds that I keep getting, it's every time I think of us apart, so it's really like a psychosomatic response to our crippling co-dependency.
[BOTH LAUGH] I mean, maybe.
I don't know.
Dude! Oh, my God.
We are co-dependent! We, you, me, we're Lil' Codies, dude! That's our DJ name.
Oh, my God.
Yas, Cody! Go, Cody! [BOTH LAUGH] You know, and this space is gonna give us the chance to be our better, bolder selves.
- Boulder! - [GASPS] - Oh! Boulder! - Boulder! [BOTH LAUGH] [SIGHS] It sucks.
But also, it doesn't.
It's gonna be great.
Yeah, dude.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be, like, so good.
We're gonna make it work so well.
It's gonna be really, really good.
- We sche-e-eme - We sche-e-eme - We sche-eme, we sche-eme - We scheme - We sche-e-eme - We sche-e-eme Hey! - We scheme.
We scheme - We scheme We sche-e-eme Yow! Couch! The couch! [LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
I forgot the couch.
I can't believe you're not gonna get it.
[LAUGHS] L-O-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L! We forgot the fucking couch? - Stupid! Stupid! - [LAUGHING] - What's wrong with us? - No, no, no, no.
It's okay! It is.
It seriously is okay, because you know what? I just had to talk that shit out, truly.
And the fact that I can I can let it go is a positive.
- Mm.
- Positivissimo.
Yaas! Okay, cool.
I feel good that you feel good.
- And I feel - [BELCHING, GROANING] Like, okay.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Do you feel, like, a little weird, like, mm, shitty, perhaps? - I am starting to not feel well.
- Mm.
Like, my whole body is starting to feel weird.
The come-down can be a little tricky.
This is not good.
This is not good.
Do you have juice? No, I don't have any juice.
Do you have bread? Do you have bread? I don't keep bread in the house.
I'm not crazy.
I'm a fucking idiot! - Shit! - [COUGHING] Oh, I don't feel good.
[BOTH GROANING] [RETCHES] - Did you puke? - Yeah, I did, dude.
- You puked.
- Ilana, I'm telling you, I puked, man! I hate puking! - No, no, no, no.
- Yes.
No, no, no! Don't clean it.
You gotta get the deposit back! [TEA KETTLE WHISTLING] [BOTH SCREAMING] - Shit! - No! - Okay.
- Okay.
Dude, I know what to do.
I know what to do.
I feel bad.
This is not good! [GASPING, ROARING INDISTINCTLY] I know, dude.
I got it.
No, I got it.
- Where'd you get this Molly from? Oh, my God.
It's so cold.
Where'd you get it, man? The Molly, where'd you get it? I got it on Craigslist.
No, dude, I'm sorry.
I thought it was still, like, a good thing to use for stuff.
In like six more hours.
- Yes.
- Ohh.
- We're gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
We're gonna be okay.
BINGO: Yikes! Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Dude, I'm too old for this shit.
You're 30.
I'm 27.
What's wrong with me? [SHOUTING] Well, what twister blew into town and spit out you two tumbleweeds? - Jesus.
- Stop, you're killing me.
Be quiet.
- Abbi.
- Bevers.
Okay, what are you doing? Please stop.
Ew, why are you doing this? Bevers.
- Oh, my God.
- Bevers? Wait, is this from the stoop sale? Holy shit, dude! I sold every last bit of furniture, and I up-sold most of it Bevers-style.
Bevers, that's really impressive.
And here's my commisshy.
Bevers, thank you so much.
Really, I really appreciate it.
[MUFFLED] I'm really gonna miss you.
I'm really gonna miss you, too.
Wait, Bevers, does Melanie even know I'm moving out? Oh, yeah, she knows.
[ILANA AND ABBI SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] [SNIFFLES] [SIGHS] [CHUCKLES] Remember when we made meringues? And we took care of that egg, and then it cracked.
That bird we found, that broken bird.
Oh, my God.
I hope it's okay.
It's not.
You know what I mean? It's dead.
When you did the teeth whitening? Oh, my God.
The first time I tried a Diva Cup.
That was a little bit of not my favorite.