Bump (2021) s03e09 Episode Script

Parents of the Year

REEMA: I might head off, then.
I think I've moved
through denial into shock.
Is that the next phase?
Um, yeah, maybe.
Who leaves their partner
at 35 weeks pregnant? (SOBS)
I'm sure she hasn't abandoned you.
I'm gonna be alone!
With a baby.
Why is this happening to me?
This is because this
is a major life decision
and I didn't think
this through, isn't it?
- VINCE: No.
- No!
- No way. Nuh.
- REEMA: No, of course not.
Anyway, my mum says every
parent learns on the job.
So that's positive.
My parents don't speak to me.
What if I don't speak
to her in 30 years?
VINCE: That's not gonna happen.
Do they know about the baby?
Oh, no.
Oh, Ariel, I'm sorry.
- Hello!
- Hey!
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I started to think you
weren't coming, and (LAUGHS)
Well, you've been a
little preoccupied lately.
Just been so busy.
I am starving.
I've noticed a definite
downward turn in our
In our what?
You know, our
time together, you know?
Our incidence of time together.
That is Whew!
So romantic. A data-driven approach.
Well, come on,
what's going on with us?
- A positive curve in
- Incidence?
Yeah, that would indicate
advancing intimacy,
but the pattern here is the opposite.
Yeah, you're right.
About what? Um
Is it about me, or
is it about Santi?
Not everything is about Santi.
- OK.
- I just feel like
- Hey
- Hey
- You go.
- No. (CHUCKLES) You go.
Um, so my housemate's moving
out in a couple of weeks.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Where's she going?
She's moving in with her
boyfriend and his mum.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
People can make their own
mistakes, no judgement.
Um, but it got me thinking.
We don't work together anymore, so
Would it be crazy if you moved in here?
BOWIE: So he's got no idea
you've been thinking about
finding him for five years?
No wonder you're freaking out.
I haven't been thinking about
finding him for five years
and I'm not freaking out
Shit, he's here.
- Hey!
- (LAUGHS) Hey!
- Hello, Tim. How are you, mate?
Thanks for coming.
Didn't know we had company.
- This is my son, Bowie.
- Ah!
Tim, really nice to meet you,
mate. Heard a lot about you.
Great to meet you.
- Bowie's here to get laid.
- TIM: Ah!
It's really devaluing, Dad,
when you put it like that.
Why don't you just,
you know, use the apps
like all the young people are doing?
Or like all the old people.
Yeah. (LAUGHS) Bowie's
against dating apps.
Yeah, I find for-profit algorithms
actually corrupt interpersonal
exchange, you know?
Serendipity should ordain these things.
Fair enough.
So, Bowie. What's your favourite record?
Ooh, um
'Hunky Dory' or 'Aladdin Sane'.
- Pick a lane.
- Well, that's impossible.
OK. It's Desert Island Discs.
You can only take one.
'Hunky Dory'.
TIM: No.
'Low' is Bowie's best album.
That wasn't even in the options.
'Marquee Moon' or 'Remain in Light'?
Mixed artists.
Levelling up.
Hey, guys, why do you have to pick one?
We've got the internet now.
You can just take everything.
Fuckin' young people.
Well, I would have
picked 'Marquee Moon'.
Me too.
I was listening to the
start of that Interpol song.
VINCE: This thing has changed completely
from what I signed up for.
I'm just the donor.
They're the family.
I think the legal agreement
you signed with them
says otherwise, but OK.
Mm. Mm. Mm-hm.
(SIGHS) Pranayama breaths.
- That's it.
REEMA: Yeah, OK.
I probably should have
thought this through, huh?
You probably should have, yeah.
At least I didn't get married.
That was perfect in theory, actually.
But it wasn't, so who knows?
Maybe this dumpster fire
will turn out beautifully.
Maybe it'll be different to
how you thought it would be
but you'll make it work.
I better
Yeah, of course.
- Oh, OK.
- Go.
you reckon you can stay for a bit?
Team Vince.
TIM: player in that.
Yeah, no, that's 'Dub '
That's yeah, that's,
um, Beats International.
- TIM: Beats International
- 'Dub Be Good To Me'.
- ended up being Fatboy Slim.
- Yeah.
TIM: The bass player, did you know that?
What is going on?
Where's the content here?
Pfft! Another flame-out, huh?
Pretty low strike rate, Boz.
Is that right?
Hey, have have you
heard about Brover, Tim?
TIM: What's Brover?
Dad's app.
You were the muse.
- Me?!
- Yeah.
What, the incel app?
That was in the news.
- It's not an in
- That's you?
Yes, and you weren't the
(SIGHS) It came out of a genuine desire
to facilitate fraternal friendships.
Didn't it make a right-wing
terrorist watch list?
No. No, it didn't, and don't laugh.
Some of the users did.
But, jeez, I mean,
you accidentally enable
some men's rights group
and suddenly you're part of the problem?
You literally are, Dad. He is.
Middle-aged white men
have the right to be treated fairly.
DOM: Yes.
Because it's bloody
tough for us right now.
- Yeah?
We are the most marginalised demographic
in the world today.
- BOWIE: Are you?
- WOMAN: That's it. I'm going.
- BOWIE: Huh!
- Us.
You're the Brover guy.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
Yeah, actually no offence,
but you're actually not welcome here.
This is a safe space
and I think you should leave.
White male supremacists? Honey, no.
You too.
- SANTI: Say hi to Uncle Bowie!
- BOWIE: Hey!
- Hey, JJ.
- Hi, Uncle Bowie.
Hey, hey!
- Oh.
- Hey, man.
- Hey. Can I
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Thanks for doing this.
- No worries, hermano.
- How have you been?
- Yeah, I've been.
It's just a lame school thing
so I don't think it's
gonna be a late one.
Everything you need is in there.
So just give me a call
if anything changes.
Yeah, cool. No dramas.
- Hey, Santi
- Yeah.
Do you think I'm attractive?
(LAUGHS) Uh, I mean
You're You're not my type.
I'm an objectively
beautiful person, right?
Why can't I connect
with anyone right now?
I dunno. I dunno, man.
But you'll You'll find someone.
While we're doing
whatever this is that we're doing
I'm moving in with Keeks.
Oh. That's big.
- What do you think?
- Ooh.
I'm not really sure it's my place
- You know, she's great.
- Sure.
And I really care about her,
and she asked me to move in.
- So, you know
- Yeah.
There's a lot to be said
for peacemaking instincts
in intimate relationships.
OK, that sort of sounds
like you think I'm a flake
that just does whatever
my girlfriend wants.
- Is this about my sister?
- No.
Not everything is about Oly.
OK. Well, congratulations, man.
Are you happy?
BOWIE: "The little humpback
loved the warm, safe waters
of the Great Barrier
Reef where she was born.
But one day, her mama said to her,
'We must get ready to swim
to Antarctica for the summer.'
'But, Mama,' said the little humpback,
'that's so far away!'"
- Does the baby whale go?
- Yeah.
But only once she's got
old enough to go on her own.
But wouldn't she miss her mama?
Yeah, yeah, of course
she would, you know?
But what about her daddas?
Yeah, yeah, she misses them too,
but sometimes you've got to go away
to do the things that you've got to do.
- Why do they go to Antarctica?
- To eat.
You mean they can't eat
unless they go to Antarctica?
No, no. Do we want to
hear the rest of the story?
"And one day, the little humpback,
who was not little anymore,
swam back to the reef again
to have her very own
little baby humpback
in the warm, safe waters
where she was born."
SKYE: Ooh, ooh!
I don't want to say "I love you " ♪
Very cute, Ols!
So, who wore it better?
- You both look amazing.
- Have you met everyone?
- My husband, Trent.
- OLY: Hey.
- Mads' man, Chris.
- OLY: Hey. Nice to meet you.
- SKYE: Oly.
- Hey, Mads.
Karl, you're not dressed up!
- Karl doesn't like fun.
- I do like fun. I like it a lot.
$10 chardonnay and trivia with
school parents, not so much.
- I got you a sangria.
- Oh.
Where's baby-daddy?
I think he's just running late.
So, brainiac, how's
uni and all that shit?
Yeah, it's fine.
This girl's gonna run the joint one day.
- Oh!
- No, Ols, no, that's bullshit.
Don't sell yourself short.
Karl, you should hire her.
Karl runs some global
education fund thingy.
Only the Australian office.
That global do-gooder
shit. Right up your strasse.
Oh, I would love to
talk to you about that.
Let's not talk work right now.
- WOMAN: Oh, Karl.
- MAN: I know.
- Who are you dressed as?
SANTI: Hey, everyone.
- WOMAN: Here we go.
- MAN: Whoa!
MAN: Here we go.
Sorry I'm late.
SANTI: Rock on!
WOMAN: Ooh, fish-nets!
AUSTIN: So, Oly, you like trivia?
OLY: Not really.
I mean, who wants to spend their time
competing against strangers
to answer a bunch of random
inconsequential questions
about their general knowledge?
MS YOUNG: OK, everyone, first question.
(WHISPERS) The Glass-Steagall Act.
Dodd-Frank, sweetheart.
That was 2010.
Glass-Steagall was 1930s. Sweetheart.
(LAUGHS) Schooled.
Who named the Pacific Ocean?
Magellan. Magellan.
What is the hottest
planet in the solar system?
- The sun! The sun.
- Planet.
- Uranus.
- Venus.
- Your anus.
- Venus.
I'm going with Ol, Skye. No offence.
How many countries still
have the shilling as currency?
Table 10, I'm watching you. No googling.
Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Somalia
Maya Angelou. Maya Angelou.
The Higgs boson particle!
OK, we'll be right back
after this short break.
Don't forget about the silent auction.
I've got my eye on a
lovely Gold Coast getaway,
so hands off that one.
KARL: Oly,
why do you know how many countries
signed the Montreal Protocol?
UN treaties are sort of Oly's specialty.
I only really know the education
and the environment ones to that level.
TRENT: You are a genius.
- What's funny?
- Not funny at all.
- I was just like you at uni.
- Lonely?
(LAUGHS) Very.
MS YOUNG: OK, on top, with 147 points,
it's the Quizzy Rascals.
DOM: Harris Farm for the first date!
Well, OK, look, I guess
I guess I am a muse and I
should be completely flattered.
Muse is overstating it.
You are more of an inspi
DOM: Shit!
TIM: What? What's wrong?
My ex and my sister are over there.
Oh, so they're still on good terms?
Oh, you could say that.
They're fucking.
Oh, you're not you're not kidding?
Oh. Oh, shit, man.
How How are you
doing with with that?
(SIGHS) I'm, uh
I'm doing as approximately well
as you would think I'm doing with that.
Oh, shit, they're coming over.
EDITH: For the gentlemen.
DOM: I don't like that beer.
EDITH: Oh, come on, Dom!
It's your favourite.
Are you speaking to me?
Well, I have to, don't I?
Otherwise I'll seem like a
jerk in front of my new friend.
Oh, are you Tim?
- Mm.
- You're the app muse.
- Mmm.
- Oh, Tim!
We've heard so much about
you. Good to meet you.
So you're the ex and you're the sister?
Dom's filled you in, I see.
Oh, I know nothing.
I make no comment.
Hey, whose side are you on?
I'm sorry, Dom.
You know I'm
I'm really sorry.
You ask a lot of me, Ange.
I know, you fell in love.
I did.
DOM: Which is weird.
And undermining.
But here we are.
Well, all's fair in love and war.
Ah! Quoting Shakespeare
makes everything alright.
- It's not Shakespeare.
Yeah, it's actually It's John Lyly.
Oh! Very impressive!
Hands off.
- He's mine.
Then she was all like,
"As if you're gonna
make the class mascot!"
I went full fucking
Steiner mum on her arse
and I busted out the
wool and the wooden beads.
Watch out, bitch.
(SNIFFS) Anyway, she has thin hair.
- Thin hair.
- TRENT: You in the market?
SKYE: You know what they say
The housing market or the share
No. N-Neither.
You need passive income.
At your age, first thing I did,
borrowed to build a share portfolio.
Now look at me. Tesla.
Boat. Beach house.
- TRENT: The holy trinity.
- CHRIS: Top me up.
Yeah, wow, that's,
um that's impressive.
You've got to get in the market, Santi.
Hey, get a spread
across data aggregators,
crypto, NFTs
TRENT: No, no, you don't
want to get into crypto.
- Sector's volatile as shit.
- She's such a control freak.
- CHRIS: It's going to the moon!
- TRENT: It's a bubble!
Fine if you wanna go
play in the paddling pool
with the Dogecoin kiddies,
but, Santi, your miners,
offshore gas, your banks,
huge stable returns, no downside.
Except climate change, I guess.
Look, maybe you don't have
much stomach for risk, mate,
but these new sectors, Santi,
are shitting out
millionaires by the ton.
- CHRIS: Ton!
- SANTI: I'll look into it.
CHRIS: Like an elephant shit them.
TRENT: Your boat, beach
house, what more do you want?
- Oh, God!
- Oh.
- You scared me.
- Sorry.
- I was just, um, a bit thirsty.
- Mm.
- Not not thirsty.
- God, never mind.
- No? Um cool.
- Sure.
- Mm-hm.
Is ev Are you Are
you comfortable on
on the sofa bed and everything?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?
- Mm.
- Um
Thanks for helping out today.
Couldn't have done it without you.
Ain't no thing.
Oh, here you cuties are!
Hey, I'm gonna hate-watch the shit
out of 'Real Housewives'.
Who's with me?
- ARIEL: Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey, do you know that
this place is closing down?
How shit is that?
That, my friend,
is everything that is
wrong with this world
in a nutshell!
That's a true story.
(SLURRING) You know,
I've always dreamt of
owning my own record store.
Small-pressed vinyl and memorabilia.
Music books.
Box sets.
Whisky bar in the corner.
Alphabetised, from Japanese to
Scottish to Tasmanian.
my kids are at uni, I'm divorced.
My mortgage is paid off. Almost.
Which means you are a free man!
You're a free man.
CHRIS: The thing is,
materials costs have
gone up 30% every quarter.
So I so I tell this guy, I say,
"You gotta be smart,
lock in your contracts."
MADISON: Mm. Mm-hm.
Who's got Jays tonight, Ol?
My brother's babysitting
her at Mum's house.
And get this.
This amateur thinks,
"Oh, I'll just wing it."
His budget blows out 500 grand!
What a dipshit!
Babe, do you think your
costume might be blackface?
But I loved Prince.
OK, you see that woman
over there at the bar,
the one in the black?
No, no, don't, don't
- Elvira?
- Yeah.
She just rubbed her boob on my elbow.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She bought my painting
in the silent auction,
then she asked me to paint her naked.
- Yeah.
- God!
- What did you say?
- I don't know.
I can't remember. I
just kind of freaked out.
But then her husband
came over. See the dude?
In the leopard print. Thought
he was gonna knock me out.
But he invites me back to
their place for a drink.
Did they want to have a threesome?
No, save yourself the
night. He breathes weird.
- They're Arlo's parents.
- Oh!
SANTI: Looks like
they're after you too, Ol.
I gotta take a leak.
- It is tempting. (LAUGHS)
- Oh!
- MAN: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- WOMAN: Yeah.
- What the actual fuck, Trent?!
No. No. No.
- Oh!
Oh, my God, these people!
I thought we were the bad parents.
They're supposed to be the grown-ups.
Yeah, we didn't even know
each other when we had J.
- What's your excuse?
- Yeah, try being teen parents!
OLY: We deserve some kind of award.
- Parent of the year award.
- Yeah.
It was hard sometimes.
We're only five and a half years in!
It'll be alright.
Get into the groove!
Will you dance with me, madam?
There must be something
we can talk about ♪
And maybe there's something
here that we can do ♪
No matter what your friends say ♪
Don't go too far ♪
Remember, there's just one thing ♪
Whenever you come this way ♪
You know I wouldn't get you down ♪
I just like talking to you ♪
It's raining outside ♪
I'm shaking my shoes downstairs ♪
You never stop dancing ♪
You don't make much sense ♪
No matter what your friends say ♪
Don't go too far ♪
Remember, there's just one thing ♪
Whenever you come this way ♪
Maybe we can get together ♪
Madison, hey.
Oh, um, yeah, we The
girls, we had a makeover.
Don't really know what I'm doing here.
But if I have to sit through
one more fucking middle-aged
living death conversation
about negative gearing or
renovations or the fucking P&C,
I am legit going to top myself
and save the planet some resources.
Could you just say something
like that weird shit
you were going on
about at Talia's party?
What, you mean about how
the next epoch in religion
will see humanity redress the balance
of 2,000 years of male-coded
totalitarian monotheism?
Yeah, what the fuck is all that about?
It really makes me, um
Well, yeah, yeah, cool.
Um, yeah.
I've got some books you could borrow,
or happy to talk about it any time.
And just to be clear, you're celibate
to, like, conserve
your chi or something?
Yeah, but it was mostly, um
I'm a white, mostly
straight cis male, right?
And the sexuality I've
culturally inherited
is, um, really exploitative,
like a kind of
conquest-colonialist mentality.
And I don't want to do that.
So I sort of figured pause, reset,
maybe I could find a different way.
A different way to fuck?
Kind of, yeah.
And you're still celibate now, or
You want me to fix that?
I do.
The idea of yin and yang
is fundamentally different
to the idea of good and evil.
It's more tangible and more pagan.
- Yes!
- Night and day are equal cycles.
- Um
- Yeah.
Yeah, read, read, read!
"Vague. Elusive. Yet
within is an image."
- "Yet within is spirit."
"A spirit so vital that
she's her own proof."
- No matter what the body
- Yeah.
Wait, not yet, not yet.
Keep going.
- Keep talking. Keep talking.
- Are you sure this is OK?
(JACINDA WHISPERS) OK, Gracie, let's go.
- MADISON: Yes! Yes!
We hope you know that
there are limited categories ♪
Make it blonde, make it
white, you're the perfect pony ♪
We prefer when you promise
you're our one and only ♪
Sign your name next to the X ♪
And fingers crossed,
wish you the best ♪
We love culture but make
sure it's to our very liking ♪
Make it milky, make it
plain and not too spicy ♪
Dial it down ♪
Like you're almost ♪
In a bunker hiding ♪
Sign your name next to the X ♪
And fingers crossed ♪
Wish you the best ♪
Ooh, banana-na, sayonara ♪
This is my ♪
This is my ♪
This is my ♪
Punchline ♪
Where I go resign ♪
From playing your games ♪
This is my, this is my ♪
This is my punchline ♪
Where I say goodbye ♪
From playing your games. ♪
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