Bunk'd (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

Queen of Screams

1 Okay, you guys are all tied up.
(Gasps) Jorge, there's a snake on your foot.
What? Sometimes, it's just too easy.
Where's Lou with the mail? Why do you want the mail? Every week, you get the same postcard from your mother that says, "Don't disappoint me.
" We're expecting a package from the world famous horror novelist Stephanie Queen.
Why is a famous author sending you two stuff? I'd guess you're starting a book club, but you know Jorge.
Actually, we both entered her annual scary short story contest.
My story was called, Labyrinth of the Mind: One Girl's Terrifying Journey into the Madness of Her Soul.
Well, that would win for "Most Boring Title Ever.
" What was yours called Fart of Darkness? No, it was called Blood Bags! And it was about bags of blood.
Jorge! Tiffany! Guess what? You got a package from Stephanie Queen! I loved her book, The Crowded Coffin.
Jorge: Me too! It proved you could fit 20 bodies in one coffin, if you cut them up the right way.
Anyway, the winner gets to bring three friends to meet Stephanie Queen at her summer cabin.
So open up the package! This is for Tiffany.
And this is for Jorge.
Gee, I wonder who could have won.
Jack-in-the-box: (Laughing) You lose! You lose! I lost? Loser! (Sighs) I probably lost to some professional writer who sent in their story.
I won! Or to somebody who still says "puh-sketti.
" Here we go We're leaving the city behind right now Let's gather by the campfire light And sing this song All: Kikiwaka Hanging out with someone new Then falling out of a camp canoe What's that smell? It's on your shoe All: Kikiwaka Got a s'more in my hair Mosquitos in our underwear Shower's broke but we don't care All: Kikiwaka This is our home away from home away from home away from home But watch your back A bear just ate my phone All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka All: Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka With any luck, this birdhouse will be quite The "chick magnet.
" (Chuckles) Get it? Because chicks are birds? I deeply regret giving you that bird joke book.
Really? Because I thought it was eggs-cellent.
(Laughs) Okay, that was not even in the book.
I was just riffing.
I think the birdhouse should face the lake.
That way, after a long day of flying, they can just relax and enjoy the view of the setting sun.
Emma, they are birds.
Not an elderly couple enjoying their retirement.
And studies have shown birdhouses facing east hatch more young.
But that faces the mess hall.
Seeing campers eat eggs is not going to get them in the mood to lay any.
Please, what do you know about birds? I know they make a terrible sound when they hit the windows of our penthouse.
Are you still hanging that birdhouse? By the time you're done, the birds will have flown south to their condos in Miami.
Ravi and I can't agree on anything.
He keeps shooting down my ideas.
Because they are all nuttier than a chipmunk's cheeks at a cashew convention.
Well, let's each make our case, and let Xander decide which way the birdhouse should go.
No way.
Xander is your boyfriend.
He will not side against the person who gives him all those sweet smooches.
(Mimics smooches) And now I know why you've never had a second date.
Okay, when I'm trying to resolve issues with other counselors, I find it's best to start with a hug and Zip it, hippie! Emma, it should face this way! No! (Both grunting) You really want to play tug of war with me, noodle arms? Guys, careful! (Both yell) That would have hurt a lot less if you'd let me put in wall-to-wall carpeting! Thanks again for inviting us, Jorge.
I can't believe we actually get to meet Stephanie Queen.
I can't believe Jorge took a shower.
Hey, meeting a famous person is one of my top three reasons to bathe.
Number one is when I get a bad case of the number twos.
No wonder you beat me, Jorge.
You paint such beautiful word pictures.
Uh, guys, I think we're here.
Ooh, I hope she's serving puh-sketti! Wow! I guess she hasn't sold as many books as we thought.
Yeah, I've heard of a fixer-upper, but this is a burner-downer.
I think it's awesome.
And I bet she has a really spooky doorbell.
(Doorbell ringing) Well, that was lame.
Greetings! (All screaming) I do that to everyone who comes to my door.
Which might explain why the pizza guy won't deliver here anymore.
I just saw my whole life flash before my eyes.
I have spent way too much time around cows.
Please, come in.
But first, empty all of your pocket change into this jar.
Uh, you have a metal detector? No, I need laundry money.
Watch that board, there's a loose screw there.
That board's not the only thing with a screw loose.
Thanks to all of your arguing, we have to start this project all over again.
How can I not argue with someone who wishes to put a bidet in a birdhouse? It's for European swallows! Fine! Xander, bidet or no bidet? Well Before you finish that sentence, honey, you should know, I might be free to "chat" at the "spot" tonight.
Every bird deserves a butt washer.
Dude, I am your CIT! Whatever happened to pals before gals? (Scoffs) You know who came up with that saying? A guy with no girlfriend.
Xander, bro, tell her I am right.
Xander, sweetie, tell him I'm right.
Uh Okay, I hear what both of you are saying.
And my decision is To go for a swim.
Would you like to see my Spookelton Award? I won it for my novel, Hard Hammers, Soft Faces.
Which had the best catch phrase ever.
Both: "Nailed it!" (Laughing) That book is not overrated! You're just jealous because you didn't think of it.
Is she talking to that moose? If it talks back, I'm out of here.
Hey, is this a toaster? No, that's Larry.
Jorge, maybe someday you'll win a Spookelton.
Your story was bone-chilling.
It was not better than mine.
You know, if that dead moose is being rude, you can just take it down.
No, I can't.
He owns the house.
I think she needs to have her well-water checked.
Ooh, what's in that room marked "Top Secret"? I hope it's not the rest of that moose.
Oh, nothing.
Just what I'm working on for my new book, which, despite the opinion of some, is going to be my best book ever.
Can we see what's behind that door? I promise I won't tell anyone.
And even if I do, I've earned a solid reputation as a huge liar.
Good for you.
Follow me to the basement.
So, we're going into the basement of a crazy woman who comes up with clever ideas to murder people.
What could possibly go wrong? Right this way.
This is gonna be so cool! Remember, you can't say a word about what you see in here.
Don't worry, my lips are sealed tighter than that time I fell face first into a sewing machine! Wow! Please, look around.
I decorated it myself.
It is not tacky.
It's eclectic! (Sighs) Can you believe how rude they are? Hey, I had a pet bird just like this when I was young.
I begged my dad for one that was alive, but he said no.
(Door closing) (Lock latching) Uh Ms.
Queen? Where did she go? Nice, Lou.
Your childhood is so weird, it scared off a horror writer.
Uh Guys, it's locked.
(Monitor beeps) (Chuckling) Welcome to my Riddle Room.
What's a Riddle Room? I have a feeling it's not as cute as it sounds.
If you want to get out of there, you'll have to solve riddles based on your knowledge of my books.
So, picture this A right answer gets you another clue.
A wrong answer gets you stuffed and put on my wall.
What? Why would you do this? Because she's crazy! I prefer kooky.
What are we going to do? Don't worry, guys.
I'm trained for any and all situations.
Except this one.
I'm too young to die! Me, too! I've never performed at Carnegie Hall! And I've never I mean, I've never even Huh, I've done everything.
Forget too young, I'm too cool to die! Nobody is going to die! We just need to find our first clue.
Wait, remember what Ms.
Queen said? That I was a better writer than you? Congratulations, Jorge.
The crazy woman who's torturing us thinks you're a good writer.
I meant, she emphasized the word "picture," so that must be a clue.
Maybe it's that picture! He kinda looks like my weird Uncle Virgil.
He was a Merchant Marine who did time for lima bean smuggling.
I don't know what's scarier, this room or Lou's family.
Maybe there's something behind the picture! Tiffany, no! Jorge, you saved my life! Yep, now you owe me.
I'll take my thank you in kisses.
I'd rather have an anchor sticking out of my skull.
Jorge, how did you know that anchor was going to fall? Because that's a picture of Admiral Smith, who used an anchor to kill his nosey first mate in the book Murder Boat.
How do you remember that? Yesterday, you forgot to put on pants for lunch.
And Admiral Smith loved to leave hidden clues.
Wait, I think I see something on the frame! It says "Made in China.
" What do you think that means? That you're not going to be much help solving these riddles.
Hey, there's something written on the scroll.
(Speaking gibberish) The writing is backwards.
Look in the mirror! "Until I am measured, I am not known.
"Yet how you miss me when I have flown.
" Oh, the answer is time.
So our next clue must be in that clock on the wall.
And now it's time to go home.
No! The clock is a trap, too! Look! The clue is in the dart! Wow, all these traps are very elaborate.
I know.
When does this woman find time to write? (Moans) Oh, let me guess.
You think I'm hanging this net up wrong, and you're gonna tell me a better way to do it.
Of course not.
I will just come back later and fix your work.
Per uzsh.
I am sick of fighting.
So let's just not talk to each other for the rest of the summer.
Finally, you have a good idea! See you in New York! Ravi, we're still at the same camp.
You're going to see me at dinner.
Well, that is not as dramatic, is it? Sorry to interrupt your bickering, but Lou and the kids still haven't come back from Stephanie Queen's.
Should we be worried? Yes! We should go look for them.
Okay, but I'm not going to listen to any more of your stupid fighting.
Message received, Xander.
Emma and I will stop putting you in the middle of our family squabbles.
No, I mean, I'm not going to listen to it.
(Speaking loudly) Tap me on the shoulder if you hear the kids screaming.
(Beeping) Howdy-do, victims.
Uh, you might want to zoom out a bit, Ms.
Yeah, and grab a tissue.
You got some bats in the cave.
There! Not bad so far, but the puzzles are going to get harder.
And your lives are going to get shorter.
Now, what do you think of this? (Chuckling) Uh I think you're fooling yourself if you think you can pass for 22.
It also says she's great with kids.
That thing is full of lies.
Oh, sorry! Wrong button.
(Clears throat) What I meant was, it seems your camp friends have come looking for you.
Tiffany: Look! They came to rescue us! Too bad they'll never find you! (Laughing) (Knocking) What a fine-looking bunch of young people.
Aw, why, thank you.
I feel like I have really started to grow into my face.
We're looking for our friends.
They came here to have lunch with you.
Ah, yes! They were here, but they left just after eating.
Good day! Oh, uh You know, Ms.
Queen, I, too, have written a book.
My protagonist is Dr.
Ravi Ross, part-time crime solver, full-time ladies' man.
Obviously fiction.
This is why I don't do book signings.
All: (Shouting) Help! They can't hear us.
Maybe if we bang on something, they'll feel the vibrations! Great idea, Lou! The two hardest things in here are the anchor and Jorge's head.
I'll start smashing them together.
Wouldn't banging on the ceiling with the cane work, too? Sure.
It just wouldn't be as much fun.
(All screaming) Thanks for stopping by.
Good luck with your book.
Oh, may I send you a copy No.
It sounds dreadful.
Wait What was that? A noise.
Wait! (Banging) Those plates are full.
I thought you said our friends left after lunch.
They filled up on bread sticks.
Do you mind if we come in and look around? I guess.
But don't step on the carpet.
He's cranky today.
Nice moose.
Not when you get to know him.
(Banging continues) Ms.
Queen, have you got our friends trapped in here? Absolutely not.
You haven't see any trapped children, have you? Don't listen to him.
He's cuckoo.
(Mimics cuckoo) (Banging continues) The noise is coming from the basement! They must be down there! (All screaming) No.
Don't go in there! That's where I keep my deadly fungus collection.
Nice try, crazy lady.
We are done falling for your tricks.
Yeah! (Exclaims) No! Xander: A closet? Emma: What? Ravi: Huh? (All screaming) What happened to them? (All screaming) Okay, now we are done falling for her tricks.
Emma, you are not going to find a clue in the mirror! I know.
Guys, you said there were clues in the book titles! What are some other Stephanie Queen books? Let's see, there's Kissed by a Chainsaw, Skeletons Never Snitch There's a skeleton over there! Maybe there's a clue in here! I hope so, or pretty soon we're all gonna look like that.
Actually, based on the moisture level in the room, our decomposition will probably take closer to a year.
Where's a falling anchor when you need one? Guys, I got it! I can't believe we might actually get out of here without dying! And I can't believe the only thing between me and death is Jorge's brain.
(Monitor beeping) Queen: Well, well, I'm impressed with your progress, as you can tell by the look on my face.
Queen, we can't see your face.
Old people This is worse than video chatting with my grandma! You're holding the final clue.
Guess right, and you get the code to the keypad And your freedom.
Guess wrong, and your fellow campers will be telling ghost stories about you.
(Gasps) Read the clue! Okay Um "I have a ring, but no fingers.
"I used to be in one place, but now I follow you everywhere.
"What am I?" Oh, I know! You're a riddle! I've got it! It's a telephone! They have a ring, and they used to be plugged into the wall, but now you carry them everywhere! Right! And in the book "Ring, Ring, You're Dead," if you got a call from a certain number, you would die.
So, the number must be the code! Oh, I know this one! 5-5-5-0-1-3-9! (Device buzzing) Both: No! (Tv beeping) (Laughs) Wrong answer! Finally, a little bloodshed! But, that is the number! I know that movie inside and out.
It was a seven in the book.
They changed the number for the movie! Yeah, because nine tested better with audiences.
Didn't you read the book? No! It was way too long! And Mama's got a life.
Queen: Not for long.
I'm afraid you're going to find your defeat rather Crushing.
(Laughing) What does she mean by that? (Room rumbling) Guys, that wall is moving! OMG! We're all going to be human paninis! All: (Shouting) Help! Quiet! This is no time to panic! Oh, really? When would be a good time to panic? (Sighs) We have to find a way to short-circuit that electronic lock to open the door.
Great, let's just call an electrician! That's ridiculous! They charge double on Saturdays! Meanwhile, the room is getting smaller! Wait! Would a fire short-circuit that lock? Maybe, but how would we start a fire? Tiffany, remember Stephanie's book, Library, Die-brary? Yes! The evil librarian used exploding books to punish people who were talking too loud! There's a copy right there.
I bet that book's rigged to explode! Perfect! So we just put the book under the keypad, and make it explode! You know, without killing ourselves.
That could work! Move the book over here! Oh! Book dust! Big sneeze coming! Okay, everybody back up! Hurry up! We're running out of time! (Circuits scrambling) It worked! Everybody out! Move, move, move! (Sneezes) Oh, that felt good.
Surprise! (All screaming) Congratulations.
Welcome to your party.
(Blows whistle) A party because we didn't die? That's a thing? Why would we want to party with someone who just tried to crush us to death? Because there's ice cream cake? Works for me! This is a little thank you for helping me write my newest book.
It's about people trapped in a Riddle Room.
I'm writing a book, too.
It's about a bunch of campers who smack the crazy out of a writer.
Chapter one I also have gifts for you.
Just follow me to the gift wrapping room.
It's in my sound proof, gasoline soaked attic Run! Ravi: Call the police! Ice cream cake and presents? I'm staying.
No, you're not.
Oh, well, more cake for us.
And Done.
(Chuckles) It is perfect.
In New York, it would rent for $2,000 a month.
Especially with a tree top view.
You know, Ravi, I'm really glad we were able to put aside our petty differences and work together.
Me too.
Oh! Hey, Xander, what do you think of this? (Sighs) Okay, that's it! I'm tired of you two dragging me into the middle of your stupid fight over a stupid birdhouse! Actually, we are not fighting anymore.
Yeah, we came to a compromise.
Oh (Squirting) I see you went with the bidet.