Call Me Kat (2021) s01e03 Episode Script


1 Oh, hello.
Don't worry, it's me.
And this outfit will make sense in just a moment.
Let me get you caught up.
Previously at the café, we were having trouble with the register.
Okay, one small drip coffee.
That'll be $3,000 whoa.
Hey, we seem to be moving in the wrong direction.
So, after much research, I got a new state-of-the-art register.
I call him Reggie, and I think he might be a good luck charm, because after we got him, the most amazing thing happened.
This is 93.
2 WYMZ Louisville, and you're the fifth caller.
I'm the fifth caller? I'm the fifth caller! You got through! Well, what's your name, fifth caller? What's my name? I-I It's like a short name for a longer one.
I-Is it Jen? Am I Jennifer? Well, whoever you are, you and a friend are going to Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico! I asked Randi and Phil, but they have to cover the café, so I asked Max, but he has to work at the bar, so I had to ask Tara.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited! I need a break from my soul-sucking family.
Of course.
You're the first person I thought of.
Now, vámonos.
On with our show.
Oh, Katharine, I almost forgot, I brought you something for your trip.
It's a dual bottle opener rape whistle.
Don't put the sharp end in your mouth.
And, Randi, when you put the cats to sleep, don't forget to say, "Go pee pee, go nigh nigh.
" Yeah, I'm not saying that.
Gave it a shot.
And, Phil, repeat after me.
No twirling in the café.
I know, I know.
Lady Baton remains in her box.
Hello, Reggie.
Is that a roll of quarters in your drawer, or are you just happy to see me? Reggie, I think I'll miss you most of all.
There's my world traveler.
You ready for Puerto Rico? Home to the fourth-largest reptile, the leatherback sea turtle.
How do I know that, you ask? Went through a big turtle phase.
They're the ocean's lawn mowers.
Yes, I'm ready.
Gonna vacation the hell out of this vacation.
Might even start a blog about it.
Probably not.
I don't think I'm that person.
Oh, it's Tara.
Hey, Tar-Tar, you ready to get in the car-car so we can go to PR? No, I'm at the hospital.
Jayden fell off the monkey bars and they think he might have a concussion.
I told him he better be seeing two of me if I'm missing a trip for this.
I'm so, so sorry, Kitty Kats.
So we're not gonna go to PR to get some R and R 'cause you're stuck in the ER? No worries.
I hope Jayden feels better.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, gosh.
- That's terrible.
- It's a dangerous world.
I should've known not to ask her.
No disrespect to any of you with kids, but you're kind of flaky.
Oh, well, it was a nice idea.
I'll help you unpack.
Now I got to give the rape whistle back and everything? You could still go.
I love traveling alone.
No arguing over where to eat, no pressure to go to a museum, and you'll meet new people.
Like criminals.
You'll be abducted in a hot minute.
They'll take your vital organs, then ship your hollow body back full of drugs.
Sheila, Puerto Rico is very safe.
And she's staying at a fancy resort.
Aw, Kat, you'll be okay.
And if you go to Puerto Rico by yourself, you will be my shero.
I would love to be your shero.
Thinking thinking I just have a feeling in my gut that if I say goodbye to you now, it'll be goodbye forever.
Mother, stop it.
You've been doing this to me since I was a kid.
You used to tell me, never let anyone take me to a second location.
But then Tara's dad wanted to take us to get frozen yogurt after gymnastics and I said, "No, not a second location.
" I tucked and rolled right out of that car.
My ride's here.
I'm going.
- Oh, yes! - Good for you.
And-and if I end up getting turned into a human drug mule it's been real.
Final hugs, bring it in.
Thank you.
Room 412.
Enjoy your stay in Louisville.
Well, what was I supposed to do? Have my organs harvested and sold on the black market? No, thank you.
Hey, Phil, two double shots of espresso.
Heck, you know what? Make it four each.
What are we, babies? Good Lord, y'all sounds like you got a truckload of peaches you need to get to Omaha by sunup.
Nope, my divorce just got finalized.
Got a little work thing to do and then we gonna party.
Or we might end up crying by the river.
I got tissues, a full tank of gas, and two mystery pills I found in my glove compartment.
We're having fun.
No, no, no.
It's on the house.
This is for a friend in need who is a friend indeed.
Uh, Phil, ixnay with the ee-fray offee-cay.
Kat left us in charge.
And knowing her, she probably put a nanny cam in one of the cat's eyes.
Hey, Kat.
We hope you're enjoying your trip, girl.
Everything's going great here.
Well, shoot, we're locked out again.
Well, where's the sticky with the password on it? Gosh, I don't know.
Maybe it fell.
Is it stuck to me? You know how those stickies end up in weird places.
Well, you don't have to tell me.
I walked home from work last week with a sticky stuck to the back of my pants that said "Heat to 425.
" I went on a date after work with one stuck between my boobs that said "Large bills go here.
" Don't you laugh at that.
There is no way I'm not following that tray of crab legs.
After all, that's what I would be eating if I was in Puerto Rico.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am, this is a private event.
Are you here for the Bourbon Makers of Kentucky? I can't.
I shouldn't.
I am.
All right.
Let's get you signed in.
Name? Um, uh That's me.
All right, Renee.
Renee? Uh, Renee.
It is I, Renee.
Sorry, my friends call me Renee-nee.
I-I'm so happy you made it.
Uh, your assistant said you missed your flight.
I did.
I did.
And then caught another.
And the fact that my assistant did not call to tell you that is the reason that I will be looking for a new assistant.
Well, I'm Bennett, and-and I just love your column in the Whiskey Advocate.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I mean, of all the name tags.
Here's a question I pose to new acquaintances.
If someone didn't know my column, how would you describe it to them? Oh, uh, well, uh, y-you are able to talk about small-batch bourbons with remarkable specificity i-in a way that tickles the taste buds - as well as the imagination.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Not the first time I've heard that.
Oh, uh, I hate to pull you away from your crab, but do you mind if we get started with the tasting? It's why I'm here.
It's what I live for.
Let me just, uh, tuck my hair behind my ears.
Okay, good news, Phil, we don't have to call Kat.
The register company said there's a super code in the manual that will help us open the register.
Where's the manual? Well, last time I saw it, it was in the register.
Coffee and a slice of derby pie? Great order.
Love that order.
Love you for ordering it.
Excuse me.
Randi, what are we gonna do? I keep making change out of the emergency fund that I keep in my underpants.
But I am all out of my dingle dollars.
Okay, you did not tell me that's where that money came from.
I just rubbed my eye, Phil.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am, just to let you know, tonight is "pay what you can night," so just pay what you can or-or what you think we're worth.
We'll bring that right out.
That was a $20 bill, Phil.
- I saw that.
- Ooh.
Ugh, well, the governor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome.
No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.
Uh, why does the governor think that? Well, my boyfriend Preston and I were having dinner with him and his wife.
But I kept leaving the dinner table to go to the bathroom to check my phone.
Apparently my daughter doesn't know the most important rule of traveling.
Keep your passport in your underwear? How many things do you keep in there, Phil? The rule is: call your mother when you land.
I mean, she should have gotten to Puerto Rico three hours ago.
Have either of you heard from her? We have not, but then again, we've been trying to avoid her.
Well, I left Preston at the governor's mansion, so, all right, I'm just going to sit here and stare at my phone.
Well, may I have a sweet tea, please? Sure, and just to let you know, it's pay what you can night.
Oh, that's fun.
So, we have ten samples from different local makers in front of you.
The samples are numbered.
When you're ready, Renee.
Bottoms up.
Number one tastes very burny-throaty.
- And ? - A-And Still tasting.
Receiving the notes.
Uh, processing the flavors.
And I'm getting the last slice of Grandma's apple pie, a tickle of mossy earth, and a hint of a wet penny stolen from a mall fountain.
She's so good.
Such a palette.
Yowza, that one's really special.
I'm getting movie popcorn, Band-Aid, - and a whisper of - Kat? Exactly, a whisper of cat.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here with Carter.
He's picking out new bourbons for the bar.
He may be picking up some other things, too.
But what about you? I'm impersonating a bourbon expert and I'm learning so, so much.
Number one thing of my learning you are not supposed to drink all the shots.
You're supposed to spit them out in a little bucket.
I learned that about halfway through.
But you know what? Renee Lancaster finishes what she starts.
Okay, do you need some help standing up? No, I don't, but I do have a question for you.
Why is this a tablecloth and not a dress? Because this is beautiful and I would wear this.
Please don't wear that.
Listen, why aren't you in Puerto Rico? Oh, that.
Because I got freaked out.
It's my mom's fault.
She messed me up, man.
She messed me up real bad.
I just couldn't do it, Max.
Why didn't you just go home, then? Because I can't let her win.
And Randi called me her shero.
Then a shero comes along With the strength to carry on All right, do you have a do you have a room here? We need to get you upstairs, Kat.
- Shh! Don't call me Kat.
- Okay.
For the rest of the night, my name is Renee Lancaster.
The queen hath returned.
The kingdom was never mine to rule.
I can see that now.
Okay, you just arrived and there's the ocean.
There's a turtle! - Ooh! - There's a weird smell.
- Ew.
- That was for my own amusement.
Check it out.
- Oh, my gosh, so realistic! - I know.
I photoshopped me swimming with dolphins once.
And when I found the picture later, I thought I'd really swam with dolphins.
Max, you're the best.
Thanks for not judging me and helping me deceive my mother and friends.
All right, I'm gonna go get some frozen water to make round two of this burny-throaty stuff go down a little more nicey-icy.
We don't need another shero.
- Kat? - Carter.
You caught me.
I'm not on vacation.
I'm on a staycation, which is totally valid, so quit harshing my mellow.
See, this is why I don't date white women.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Have you seen Max? Someone said he left with a woman named Renee.
Renee, Renee.
Yeah, it doesn't ring any bells.
Maybe she's a ghost who haunts these halls.
Anyway, he's with me now.
We're having a little hotel party.
- Oh.
- Ooh, a party? Can I tell my friends? Sure.
Tell your friends.
Any friends of yours who don't know my friends are friends of mine.
Ooh, Phil, I think "pay what you can night" might have been our most successful Friday ever.
It's her! She sent a photo from the beach.
Oh, I got it, too.
Me, too.
Oh, it's beautiful there.
Well, that's all I needed to see.
Proof of life and no signs of duress.
Well, Preston's staying at the governor's mansion because he is apparently sauced and the chief of staff took away his keys.
So I'm just going to sleep here at Katharine's.
Maybe grab a shower.
Believe it or not, she actually has better water pressure than I do.
Good night, Sheila.
Night night, sleep tight.
What? Phil, look at this photo of Kat.
I saw it.
I wonder what she's pointing at.
I bet it's a turtle.
Look at her armpit.
Does that blue square look familiar? Is that our password sticky? It must have gotten stuck to her when she was hugging Reggie goodbye.
Okay, I'm making this bigger.
Type this in.
One word, all caps: "Reg is my soul mate 69.
" Ooh, that is nasty.
Oh, thank goodness.
My ChapStick was in there.
I thought my lips were gonna start bleeding.
Wait, I thought that was my ChapStick.
Oh, is it? - You can have it.
- Mm.
- Slow down - Great party.
I know.
This is the kind of party I usually hear about the next day and wish I had been invited to.
I just can't stop smiling.
It's actually hurting my TMJ a little bit.
I am really gonna need Monty the Mouthguard tonight.
I forgot to pack him.
I need to run home and get Monty.
What? Are you serious? You can't sleep without your mouthguard for one night? If I sleep without it, my TMJ triggers migraines.
Why are you trying to hurt me, bro? Well, let me come with you.
No, no, no.
You have to guard the minibar.
That's a $17 jar of cashews over there.
That's nuts.
Is that my mother? She is obsessed with my water pressure.
I do Oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no, I think it's broken! Ugh! Of course this would happen on my vacation.
Katharine, comma, I'm staying at your place, period.
Sorry to report I broke your hair dryer, sad face.
I'll get you a new one, period.
Keep letting me know you're safe.
Prayer hands, heart, kisses, unicorn.
You're a mother, you understand.
It's hard when they go away.
Can I tell you a secret? I prayed for a boy.
Hmm? Well, I-I thought I'd worry about him less.
You know? But then I got a girl and I have been terrified every day that something would happen to her.
And if it did I don't know what I'd do.
Probably just throw myself off a cliff.
Or off of a bridge.
Or into my acting career, something.
Kat? Hola, Randi.
Hola, Phil.
I am a hologram, greeting you from Puerto Rico.
Isn't technology fascinating? You look really good tonight.
Man, our boss sure knows how to throw a rager of a hotel party.
Yes, she does.
Where'd she go, by the way? Oh, it's hard to say.
I mean, my mother did what she did out of love.
I can't keep blaming her for the reason I'm Dora the Non-Explorer.
In your defense, Dora did not travel alone.
She had a monkey sidekick and a singing map.
I'd give my life savings for a singing map.
I'd give my left nut for a monkey.
And you don't have to blame anybody.
You just don't like to travel alone.
A lot of people don't.
But a lot of people do.
You do.
Yeah, but I'm a six-foot-three strapping young man.
Those are my nana's words.
With a yellow belt in tae kwon do.
One could argue I'm searching for adventure, whereas you create it wherever you go.
I like that spin.
Hey, Louisville! I am owning the fact that I'm uncomfortable traveling alone! It frightens me! And I don't feel like I need to do it! Gosh, I feel so much better.
That was exhilarating.
You should try yelling something.
I'm crazy about this woman! In fact, I am in love with her and I have been thinking of ways to propose! And you know what? On a rooftop under the stars seems pretty damn good.
What did you say? Let's go? We should probably get the life of the party back to the party.
That's nice, too.
I'm so happy.
Me, too.
So what should we do today? Take long showers and nap all afternoon? Ah, sounds perfect.
Should we eat that $17 jar of cashews first? Are you nuts? Never gets old.
I picked up supplies at the store down the street.
Here's what $17 gets you there.
Whoo Ha-ha! Wow Oh Yeah Hey 24 hours in the day, let's go We got too many people runnin' up on the floor It's time to show your true colors Baby, let them be free Yeah, I love the way you move it When you moving with me - Come on, let's party - Yeah, yeah - Let go of your body - Yeah, yeah It's time to show your true colors Baby, let them be free Yeah, I love the way you move it When you moving with me I said I love the way you move it When you moving with me Put your hands in the air
Previous EpisodeNext Episode