Call Me Kat (2021) s01e04 Episode Script


1 Oh, hello.
I was just being sad.
On purpose.
It's called "melancholy for fun.
" You have to practice being sad sometimes to know what happy is.
I'm never gonna dance again Guilty feet have got no rhythm Though it's easy to pretend And when I really need a good cry to get the toxins out, I do this.
(CRYING): I love you all so much.
And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to find you a forever home.
- (MEOWS) - I love you more! (SOBS) Kitty kisses all around.
Come here.
But then there are times when I get sad for real.
Preston's visiting his daughter in Atlanta and I can't be alone in the house with all the ghosts.
The little one drives me up the wall.
So I'm staying with you for the weekend.
That was 30 minutes ago.
- Oh, geez.
- I brought my dermabrasion tool.
Let's get down to your good skin.
Mother, why did you rearrange all my drawers? So they would make sense.
I can't find my pajamas.
Use your logic.
Where would pajamas be? Well, in a perfect world, they would be folded under my pillow, but Wait a minute, are they folded under my pillow? Why is there a lipstick under there, too? Use your logic.
In case there's an emergency and I end up face-to-face with a fireman? No.
Because makeup is what separates us from the common beast.
(MOUTHS) Kat? What are you doing up earlier than my biscuits? It's not safe for me up there, Phil.
My mother tried to cut my toenails while I was sleeping.
I cut my mama's toenails 'cause her glaucoma has gotten so bad, she can't see her feet.
She tried to offer me a dollar per toe, but I said, "No way, Mama.
It's on the house.
I don't need the eight dollars.
" And now her eyes hurt so bad, the doctor suggested (WHISPERS): medicinal marijuana.
Really? It's not even legal here.
Don't you tell the cops, Kat.
I'll take you down with me.
SHEILA: Oh, Katharine.
Oh, I woke up alone, terrified you'd been abducted.
They wouldn't have to abduct me.
I would go willingly.
Have you brushed your teeth this morning? Yes, Mother.
(LAUGHS): Because I'm 39 years old.
So if I checked your toothbrush, it'd be wet? Okay, Phil, we are all set.
We just have to get there before they close.
Oh, I cannot believe it's come to this.
Driving two hours to Cincinnati to buy Mary Jane for my mother who is also named Mary Jane.
Although, in some ways, it seems like it was written in the stars.
Oh, we'll make it fun.
Reefer road trip.
We can listen to my favorite audiobook, Coming Home to Myself by Wynonna Judd.
You know Ashley never wanted to sing? If you hate me, just say it, Phil.
- Hello there.
Sorry I haven't been more available to help at the café that I own, but my mother added a few things to my grocery list.
Did you know that there are nine sizes of olives and she likes the ones that no one carries.
There are actually 14 sizes.
The ones that are the size of lemur testicles are the hardest to find, but the sweetest to bite into.
Thank you, Wyatt.
Um, are you remembering to be careful with how you pet the cats? Stop bringing that up.
I didn't have my glasses on.
I'll be down in a minute.
By the way, Randi, cute sweater.
I have one just like it.
Oh, this is yours.
Your mom let me go through your Goodwill bag.
You don't have a Goodwill bag, do you? Don't you dare tell her I took a scarf.
Mother, what are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Use your logic.
Severing our relationship? Freshening things up.
This is the Pantone Color of the Year: Classic Blue.
First of all, that is University of Kentucky Blue.
That is the cruelest thing you can do to a Cards fan.
And second of all, you have no right to just change things in my home without asking.
But blue is supposed to be calming.
Do I look calm?! Do I sound calm?! Trust me, when I'm finished, you'll love it.
Grab a brush.
(GASPS) Katharine! Well, trust me, when I'm finished, you'll love it.
(SHEILA SCREAMING) Help! Help! Elder abuse! Someone help me! (SCREAMS) She's an elder and she's abusing me! You get back here! "Go to a cat café," I said to myself.
"It'll be a calm place to get some work done.
" (SHEILA SCREAMING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Now, that reminds me of when my mama used to chase me around the house with a hair brush.
- (SHEILA SCREAMING IN DISTANCE) - Were you tender-headed as a child? Oh, no, no, no.
She was chasing me to whup my ass with it.
My mama used to spank us with a spatula.
Then she'd go right back to flipping pancakes.
(SHEILA SCREAMS) I mean, we've always butted heads, but it's gotten really bad.
Like cage fight bad.
Y'all just can't be bringing your drama into the café like that.
Because then it becomes my drama, and Randi doesn't do drama.
Unless I'm on hold for too long, and then I go off.
Then you'll have to help me kill her.
And for the remainder of this conversation, I'll replace the word "kill" with "celebrate.
" So what do you think I should celebrate her with? You know they don't sell happy hour nachos in prison, right? Would you consider therapy as a plan B to "celebrating" your mother? I would consider therapy after I celebrate her.
I was thinking about couples therapy.
My ex, Brigitte, is a family therapist in France.
Used to work with a lot of parents and their adult kids.
(MOCKINGLY): My ex, Brigitte, is a family therapist Sorry, I just had to get that out.
The French have wine and cheese for every meal and they still need therapy? Girl, therapy is awesome.
I have two online shrinks that I use.
One who always agrees with me and another one who calls Randi out when she needs to be called out.
Which I kind of like.
Word of advice, Kat: don't let your mama pick your shrink.
I let Stephanie pick our counselor when we got separated.
He managed to convince me she should have the house and the car, and I can live in the bar where I seem to spend all of my time.
I'm telling you right now, there is no way on God's green earth that I am going to therapy with my mother.
I would rather stick pins in my eyes, sleep in a litter box and eat salad for breakfast.
(PHIL SIGHS) It sounds like Phil has something to say.
Thank you, Max.
I just feel that if me and Randi are gonna risk federal prosecution by driving across state lines to buy some Mary Jane-infused cooking oil and bake it into my sticky buns to relieve the pain of my mama's glaucoma, the least you can do is sit on a comfortable couch with your mama and talk about your feelings.
- Mm.
- RANDI: Mm.
Hello, Doctor.
I'm Sheila Silver.
Miss Jefferson County 1974.
Ha! She means 1964.
Nice try.
(SCOFFS) So, is this silent thing you're doing something you learned in therapy school? Just be quiet, and eventually they'll tell you where they buried the body? That's the police, Mother.
But speaking of school, you've got some pretty legit-looking diplomas here, Dr.
Kevin Khan.
Are therapists really doctors though? My daughter has a doctorate in mathematics.
Not that she's doing anything with that now.
(CHUCKLES) And if someone asked, "Is there a doctor on the plane?" what would she do to help? Solve for "X"? Lot of certificates.
Khan here.
Khan there.
Doctor, Doctor.
BOTH: Give me the news I've got a bad case of loving you No pill's gonna cure my ill You know, Katharine, you're not singing from your diaphragm.
(STRAINED): You're singing from your neck.
Mother, don't go all O&C on me.
What's O&C? You can speak.
But can you sing? Doctor, Doctor Give me the news I've got a bad case of loving you.
Randi, I could use your help.
Things are breaking bad in the kitchen.
I can't remember which pan is the sticky buns and which pan is the "funny buns.
" Phil! Didn't you have a system to keep them straight? Yes, I did have a system, but then you said, "Cover the register," and so I did, but the whole time I was thinking, you should've said, "Cover the register, please.
" So then I forgot my system.
Don't make this my fault.
I'm trying to help you.
(SNIFFING) Okay, usually the nose knows, but I'm getting nothing here but cinnamon and heaven.
That's why the bud consultant said to get the oil.
It doesn't have a smell.
Oh, I feel so much closer to you now that we share a bud consultant.
Oh, gosh, I got to take the funny batch to my mother tonight and I don't have time to make a new batch for tomorrow morning.
Phil, there's no two ways about it.
We've gotta play "sticky bun roulette.
" We each try a bun from one of the batches and see who gets to ride the dragon.
I've never tried pot.
But then again, I've never tried sushi.
People seem to love that, so let's put a saddle on the dragon.
Doctor, let me explain.
"O&C" stands for "observe and critique.
" When I was little, my mother would call it a game.
"Let's play O&C," she'd say, and then she'd look around and find something to criticize, like Oh, that painting looks like it came from a highway motel rummage sale.
And then I was supposed to say something like, uh That guy's got tapered fingers.
His hands look like little starfish.
Oh, good one.
You see? It's a terrible game.
But by honing in on the negatives you see in the world around you, you learn how to accentuate the positives in yourself.
You you're a doctor, you get it.
And it was a lot more fun than the games she wanted to play.
Like that ridiculous galloping game.
Galloping isn't a game.
It's a way of life.
And just think how much happier the world would be if instead of walking or running everywhere, we all galloped.
Gives a nice stretch to the back of the legs, it's very easy on the joints.
Hey, I don't feel anything, do you? I don't feel anything either.
Not even my arms.
But my wings are taking me wherever I need to go.
I keep thinking, why have I not used 'em before? O-Okay, buddy, you know what, uh, why don't you go in the kitchen and make sure all the spices are where they're supposed to be, and-and I'll check on you in a few minutes, okay? I'm flying.
Hey, Wyatt, how can I help you? One of the cats licked my coffee.
Can I have a fresh one? W Wyatt, this is empty.
Just say you want a refill.
They're free.
PHIL: Randi, Randi, come quick! Excuse me.
Randi, look I finally have flat splits.
She'd throw a tantrum if I wouldn't gallop through the mall with her.
But what would people have thought? People would have thought it was such a sweet thing for a mother to do with her daughter.
You were 15.
People would have wondered why I didn't get you the help you needed.
Just because you couldn't relate to me doesn't mean something was wrong with me.
Dad used to gallop home from school with me all the time.
He was better at it than I was.
Sometimes he'd be, like, a full two blocks ahead.
I once hitched a ride with a dude in a van to catch up.
Your father indulged you.
He accepted me.
I wanted society to accept you.
You want me to be a mini version of you and are constantly disappointed because I'm not.
Oh, it's always the mother's fault.
Getting blamed for wanting the best for her child.
Well, I'm sorry your father's not here, Katharine.
I'm sorry I didn't die first.
Yeah, me, too.
Did I just say that out loud? Mother, I didn't mean it like that.
I wish nobody was dead, ever.
Yes, you did.
It's fine.
How long ago did he pass? - Eight and a half months.
- Eight and a half months.
She was always a daddy's girl.
Running to him for help when she didn't want to do what I asked.
Like beauty pageants.
I didn't want to do 'em to begin with, then when she forced me, she didn't even let me pick my own talent.
The ventriloquists never win.
That's because they had never seen a ventriloquist with a dummy dressed as a mummy.
A dummy mummy it would've killed.
SHEILA: Anyway, he let her quit.
Don't worry, she got back at him by bringing a date to his funeral.
What are you talking about? Oh, our neighbor Preston lives with her now.
They were quite lovey-dovey at the funeral.
Holding on to each other.
Rubbing each other's arms.
He was holding me up.
And of course Preston would come to the funeral he was Harley's friend.
They went in halfsies on a tractor mower.
Well, Preston's doing all the mowing now.
You replaced Dad with him.
Well, you replaced Dad with a bunch of feral cats.
She had a whole career in academia and threw it all away to serve coffee and clean litter boxes.
I quit a job I hated to create a job I loved.
Dad would've appreciated that.
He always wanted to open a tank museum.
- War tanks, not fish tanks.
- War tanks, not fish tanks.
I honored him with my choice.
Well, I honored him by bringing Preston into my life.
Oh, please.
I'd been married to Harley since I was 20 years old.
When he died, Dr.
Carl had to prescribe me antidepressants just so I could get out of bed.
You took antidepressants? Which ones? You know, the one with the commercial where the woman hangs on to a red balloon as it flies over the city.
I tried those, too.
- Really? - Yeah, they gave me diarrhea.
So I switched to the one where the cartoon dog digs a hole and buries the woman's depression like a bone.
Those are the ones I tried first, but they made me constipated.
Isn't it interesting how two people can try the same thing and have a very different experience? Thank you.
Ever so.
All right, Phil, let's roll.
Phil? Uh-oh.
Randi lost Phil.
Phil? Y'all, don't freak out, I'm right here.
Yeah, we see you, Phil.
You can see me? You're the only ones.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Oh, hi, Randi.
Randi can see me too 'cause we share the same blood.
Oh, excuse me.
I got a song in my head.
I've got to be the music.
So, Phil ate one of his sticky buns that he made for his mama, and now he's high as a kite and thinks he's invisible.
That would explain why he ordered the mac and cheese balls with a side of hot fudge.
Is the irony of getting high for your mom lost on anybody? My mom found weed in my room she dragged me straight to church to pray the devil out of me.
I can't even drink wine in front of my mom.
It makes her cry.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): "I'm just so worried about your liver 'cause I love every part of you so much.
" (REGULAR ACCENT): She thinks I just play the piano here.
Oh, you guys are making me feel like maybe I should call my mom.
When's the last time you talked to her? Like, a year ago.
- What happened? - You kidding? Well, I'm a little hazy on the details, but I know I was right.
(GHOSTLY): Ooh They're floating.
How did they do that? - Uh-oh.
- Ooh, ooh! What else can float? Here comes the purse.
I'm gonna put my hand in its guts! Time to hand out some drink vouchers.
W I forget that I'm invisible, but my clothes aren't.
Off they go.
- Wait, wait! No, Phil, don't do that.
- (SHOUTING) I started taking antidepressants because I kept thinking I saw Dad in the café drinking coffee.
Harley wouldn't be caught dead drinking coffee.
But then I thought, "Well, he is dead, so maybe.
" And then one time I saw him on the street.
I could tell by the way he was walking that-that his knee was bothering him, so I started chasing after him to tell him to go to the doctor who did his hip surgery.
But I-I Actually, I was gonna tell him, like, "You knee-ed to go to the doctor.
" You get it? My dad would have loved that.
He was a very punny guy.
And then when I finally caught up with him, it was an old lady.
In my defense, she had a mustache like Dad's, you know.
I hugged her.
We're still in touch.
I'm sorry I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I couldn't help you with yours.
Can I give you a hug? For the record, I I think Preston's a really nice guy.
You know, he's just he's not Dad.
Not even close.
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
Well, this turned out better than I thought.
And this was only our first visit imagine what's gonna happen next week.
Yes, I'm excited for him to see you with lipstick on.
There's not gonna be a next week.
Well, at least not here.
Why? Are you retiring? That's what happened with my dentist halfway through my root canal.
No, but therapy needs to be a good fit for both parties, and you're not a good fit for me and my little starfish hands.
I just meant in comparison to the starfish that are, like, three feet long.
Like the ones you find near Alaska.
I'll tell you one thing I'm never going to therapy again.
You know what I'm never gonna do again? I'm never gonna dance again Guilty feet have got no rhythm Though it's easy to pretend I know you're not a fool - Should have known better - Should have known better Than to cheat a friend And waste a chance that I've been given What happened to me? You got the funny bun, you lucky duck.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, I've got to take this.
Hey, Mom, thanks for calling me back.
Tonight the music seems so loud I wish that we could lose this crowd - Come on.
- Maybe it's better this way We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say We could have been so good together We could have lived this dance forever - Shake it! - But now Who's gonna dance with me
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