Call Me Kat (2021) s01e05 Episode Script


1 Oh, hello.
I must have overslept.
Phil, Randi and I had a really wild time at the café last night.
And our next cat looking for her forever home is Claw-dia Sniffer.
What she lacks in hair, she makes up for with her purr-fect complexion.
Her secret? She never stops grooming.
Randi has built up quite a social media following by livestreaming our events.
She even put a GoPro camera on Meghan Meow-kel so people online can watch what she does all day.
What is Meghan doing now? Still sitting on her ass like the princess she is.
So exciting.
Doing what you love with people you love is a business owner's dream.
And Phil, Randi and I we're kind of a dream team.
Speaking of dreams, I've been having a recurring one about Max.
You want a banana split? Where'd you get that? From that fly-thru ice cream stand.
You know what I'm thinking? That we should keep our eyes peeled for a flying churro cart? That you're beautiful in the moonlight.
Oh! And that's the real reason I overslept.
And now, on with our show.
Guess what I had again.
I told you when I took this job, there are three things I hate building IKEA furniture, picking up friends from the airport and guessing games.
It's true.
She even put it on her application.
I had the flying dream about Max again.
It was so wonderfully real, to finally touch a cloud, take in a bird's-eye view of the city, and wonder, if I pooped on someone, would they think it was lucky? Probably not.
So did you kiss him? I don't dream kiss-and-tell.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you just tell Max about the dream? Get his reaction.
Gauge whether he wants to try to kiss you in real life.
He's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend Brigitte.
Well, she lives in France, and his penis is here.
That's all I'm saying.
Randi, please.
There are kittens in here.
And to be honest, the real joy of a crush is that it's one-sided.
It's all mine to do with as I wish, without his pesky feelings getting in the way.
So you're gonna do nothing because you're afraid he'll reject you? - There's that, too.
- Mm.
Excuse me.
How can I help you, kind patron? This lemon chiffon cake is so good, it made me want to call my daddy, and I haven't talked to him in 15 years.
I know, it's pretty great, right? And I can brag 'cause I didn't make it.
But I was smart enough to hire the guy who did, so, yay me.
Well, I'm getting married soon, and I was wondering if you'd be able to make it into a wedding cake.
Maybe to serve about 60 people? Um, I'll have to check with our baker, but I'm pretty sure he'll be on board.
Here's all my info.
Look forward to your baker giving me a jingle.
All right, we'll be in touch.
Have a Kitty-Rific Day.
Thank you.
Yes! It starts with one wedding cake, and pretty soon, we're the official pastry bakers for the Kentucky Derby and royal weddings all across the globe.
You really can dream, can't you? - I'm back.
- Oh, Phil, I have huge news.
You finally kissed Max in your dream.
Less huge.
You just missed a customer who asked if you could make your lemon chiffon cake for his wedding.
Are you squeezing my piping bag? Somebody wants to eat my cake as an extension of their love? Does the phrase "eat my cake" sound dirty to anyone else? Did you not just hear, "squeezing my piping bag"? Here's his information.
As soon as we calculate the price for the larger cake, I'll call and confirm.
Get ready for the wedding cake of your life! "Lane Gaffney"? Oh, no.
Are you okay, Phil? Yeah, you look pale.
I mean, paler than usual.
Lane Gaffney is the name of the boy Marty left me for.
Well, I-I'm sure it's got to be a different Lane Gaffney.
I bet that he wrote his name wrong, because when he introduced himself, he said his name was "Waynes Taffney.
" You know, when gay marriage was made legal, Marty said it was a conspiracy by the wedding industry to get our gay dollars.
But in reality, I guess he just didn't want to marry me.
Well, doesn't Marty's boyfriend know that you work here? I think it's kind of cruel for him to ask you to make his cake.
See, "make his cake" also sounds dirty to me.
Marty suggested after the breakup that we not communicate because he couldn't understand me through my blubbering.
Well, I-I'm I'm just gonna call Lane I mean Waynes, and tell him that we cannot make that cake because of an egg shortage.
Due to a chicken shortage.
And we just don't know which came first.
Yeah, you shouldn't have to make your ex's cake.
You've given him enough of your frosting.
Okay, that is just filthy.
You want to help me drink this expired bourbon? Does bourbon expire? Do you want to help me or not? I'm in, even though bourbon gives me weird dreams.
Couldn't be any weirder than the dream I keep having.
If he says it's about us flying together, I'm going to rip my shirt off right now.
I've been having crazy dreams, too.
- What's yours about? - Okay, let's see.
I'm in a horse-drawn carriage.
Okay, I guess I'm leaving this on.
Were you driving, or was someone else driving it? I was driving it, and wearing medieval armor.
And then, suddenly, I get a flat.
But when I get out to take a look at it, instead of normal carriage wheels, I have big monster-truck tires.
Monster-truck tires on a horse-drawn carriage.
Lot of themes, lot of themes.
And when I try to change the tire, it turns into a giant pizza.
But just as I'm about to take a bite I wake up.
Oh, that's frustrating.
I've had it three nights in a row.
So what's it trying to tell me? Okay, you want to go back in time when you felt protected, ergo the armor, and suckle at the teat of pizza.
Well, I do love pizza.
- What's yours about? - Mm.
Hmm? Your crazy dream what's it about? Well, funnily enough, Max, you are featured in it.
- Really? - Yup.
It's a flying dream.
- I love those.
- Yeah, me, too.
We're flying over Louisville, sharing a banana split I'm more of a savory guy, but go on.
And we're holding hands so that we don't lose each other.
And then we decide to see if we can here goes nothing kiss in the air while flying.
- And can we? - We cannot.
- Ah.
- The wind keeps pushing us apart.
It's such a hater.
Anyway, I think that's why it's recurring, because there's no closure.
You know, same for you.
I never eat the pizza so I keep dreaming about the pizza.
Maybe now you can get back to dreaming about something more fun than boring old me.
Expired bourbon is the best bourbon.
Good morning.
I hope you're enjoying your coffee and that we're meeting your expectations.
- Guess what? - I told you when I took this job, there are three things I hate building IKEA furniture I told Max about my dream, and he kissed me.
A long kiss or a short kiss? Hard to tell because time stood still.
What do you think it means? It means be careful.
Love will put rocks in your pockets and lure you to the deep end of the creek.
Katharine you must feel terrible.
About what? Well, I was drinking my morning coffee and reading your Yelp reviews, as I do every morning.
I had no idea.
That's kind of sweet.
And I saw you'd gotten your first one-star review.
Ooh, if that's because I spelled that guy's name wrong on his cup, I'm gonna fire back.
If it sounds like an "F," it should be spelled with an "F.
" No, no, it was because you're homophobic.
Huh? I found the review.
Did you just yelp while reading Yelp? Wait.
Is that why they call it that? "The pastries at Kat's Cat Café are wonderful, "but they are not a welcoming business.
"I discovered this after they refused to bake a cake for my wedding because I'm gay.
Lane G.
" - What the ?! - He's evil! The guy Phil's ex is marrying asked if we would bake their wedding cake.
Oh, well, that's certainly awkward.
So, I told him we couldn't do it.
- This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.
I mean, who would bake a cake for their ex's wedding and not put a laxative in it? Damn.
A bunch of people shared that review on Insta, and we've already lost 200 followers.
We had 200 followers?! Yes! Kat, I don't want you to lose customers.
Then you need to call Lane back and tell him to take that review down and explain to him the real reason we're not baking that cake.
But if I do that, then Marty will know, while he's moved on, I'm in the same broken place.
Look, maybe we're overreacting.
You know, we know in our hearts that we weren't discriminating.
Well, you were discriminating.
Not because he's gay.
Because he's a homewrecker.
Even so, maybe, instead of defending ourselves against this one situation, we need to show people that that we welcome everyone.
Ooh, how about I showcase Neil Cat-rick Harris as our cat of the month? Yes, do that.
And I can go pick up some rainbow balloons so everybody will know that this is a place where love grows.
If everyone can't see how accepting we are, they can get the heck out! Well, I see you've gone from sad to bitter.
I like this side more.
And I see you've put the GoPro on Neil Cat-rick Harris.
I'm calling it "Gay Cat Cam" so people can see how inclusive we are.
Plus, we can see where the hell Neil Cat-rick goes all day.
Have you noticed he kind of disappears? Maybe he got left by some tomcat, and he goes to a safe space to lick his wounds.
If by "wounds," you mean "butt," you're probably right.
Okay, let's see where he goes.
- Hello, my liege.
- Hey.
Don't tell me that's the princess hat you bought when we went to the Highland Ren Fair senior year.
When you challenged that wizard to a turkey leg eating contest and then you threw up in my car? The very same.
And pizza? I did not have my dream last night, and I slept like a baby.
I also dreamt about babies.
They looked just like him, stubble and everything.
It was weird.
By making my dream come true, you broke the cycle.
So I thought I would do the same for you.
Henceforth, your tire.
Aw, man.
Mikey's Pizza.
Thank you.
Thanks, Kat.
I love it when people bring food from other places into my restaurant.
Well, don't be too mad, 'cause I'm hoping I can request a favor from you both.
A favor from both of us, but the pizza's for him? Not very well-played, Kat.
Not very well-played.
Please? The guy Phil's ex is marrying left a brutal Yelp review because we wouldn't bake his wedding cake.
So I was hoping you both could write glowing reviews to drown his out.
And bonus points if you pretend to be a gay couple.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Got us backstage at the Elton John concert.
But I get half that pizza.
Yeah, we'll write a review.
And this was so nice of you.
Oh, wait, there's more.
In order to continue making your dreams come true, I got us two tickets to the monster truck show Saturday! No way.
"This Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, prepare to be annihilated!" Is that a yes? "I have to ask Carter, Carter, Carter for the night off.
I'll let you know ASAP!" Ow.
That hurts my throat.
The guy that does those commercials must have no larynx left.
Well, I shall await your response by carrier pigeon.
I bid you adieu.
Uh, by "carrier pigeon," I just mean "text.
" You can just shoot me a text.
Huzzah! Hey, is it cool if I take Saturday night off? Kat asked me to the monster truck show that night.
Well, if you got plans with your girlfriend, I can try and make that happen.
She's not my girlfriend.
Does she know that? Ooh, nice balloons.
I feel so welcome here.
What are y'all doing? Watching Neil Cat-rick Harris.
He got into the air vent and he's wandering around.
Well, it's clearly not his first time up there.
There's his plush sushi toy, his catnip hedgehog.
Ooh, and my lucky scrunchie.
Ooh, he's right over the Middle C.
I can see Max and Carter through the vent.
Ooh, turn up the volume.
To be a fly on the wall.
Or a cat in the vent, as they say.
She brought you a pizza.
The last girl that brought me a pizza I married.
Plus, what was all that "You helped me with my dream" business? Oh, she told me about this dream where we almost kissed, so, I don't know, it was late, and I just kind of kissed her.
On the lips? It was a peck.
Last girl I pecked I put a baby inside.
I may have picked up a bad habit in Europe.
Everybody kisses everybody there.
My landlady kissed me for paying my rent on time.
With tongue.
Well, welcome to America, buddy.
Unless you plan on giving your friend some benefits, you better check yourself.
I'm telling you, girlfriend wants to be your girlfriend.
Oh, no.
We've been friends forever.
I could never date Kat.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Maybe the hat was a bit much.
I'll make this quick and painless.
His memory will live on in our margaritas.
Marty and Max should both be shot out of a cannon and I'll light the wick.
At least you had something real with Marty.
The only romance I've ever had with Max was the one in my mind, and now I don't even have that.
Well, you can still fantasize about him.
I'm sorry, did you say something? Nope.
Actually, I don't think I can.
What are you doing? Ooh, sorry.
Daniel's in Lexington for work and he wanted a photo.
Things have been going really great with us, but I didn't want to make a big to-do because, well, look at y'all.
Well, I'm happy for you.
I'm just trying to figure out how to be around Max and keep what I overheard a secret.
All you have to do is set your internal thermostat on ice cold.
That's what my mama did to our neighbor lady after she called the cops for a wellness check 'cause us kids were running around the yard without our shirts on.
Wait, someone called the cops on you for that? Mm.
But it might've been 'cause one of my sisters was 22 at the time.
Just here for my dinner order.
Right here.
- All ready for you.
- Cool.
Cool beans.
Yeah, Randi, Phil and I are having a threesome tonight.
That's what I call three people hanging out.
I'm trying to take words with sexual connotation and make them clean again.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, sadly, I can't go to the monster truck show this weekend.
Carter needs me to work.
Oh, well, that's actually a relief, because I can't go, either.
But it was your idea.
I know, but I do some volunteer work for the police department and they have a new cold case - that they need me to look at.
- Really? Yeah, yeah.
They call me the Wolf down at the station 'cause I always catch the sheep.
- Uh, quick question, Max.
- Yeah.
What does "I could never date Kat" mean? I mean, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, it's just, uh, it's an interesting choice of words.
"I could never.
" Because, you know, technically, uh, someone could do anything that they want to.
Did Carter say something to you? No.
Neil Cat-rick Harris was up in the vents and he was wearing a GoPro, so I caught your entire conversation with Carter.
Kat, that's a little hard to believe.
Easier now.
Neil, go home.
I love you, Kat.
There's never a dull moment when we hang out.
You make everything fun.
Plus, you're crazy smart and a really generous person, but I hate the word "but.
" I just see you as a friend.
And-and considering my dating history, my friendships last a lot longer than my relationships, so that's actually a much better category to be in.
Because I hope that we'll be friends forever.
Then why'd you just cancel on me? I didn't want to lead you on.
I mean, is that what a real friend would do? Or-or would they have a-an honest and-and perhaps difficult talk? Because, you know, avoiding me is-is a sure way to ruin our friendship.
In that case, I would love to go to the monster truck show with you this weekend, if the offer still stands.
'Cause we'll have a blast! Well, let me just see if I can, uh, reschedule that police work and, um, I'll get back to you.
One could argue that was still pretty cool.
Oh I'd like to place a dinner order to go.
Hey, guess what.
Ooh, what's going on here? Unfortunately, Twitter decided the Neil Cat-rick Harris thing was a PR stunt rather than an attempt at a meaningful conversation, so they're calling for a boycott of the café on Saturday.
But do not worry.
I'm gonna make this right for you, Kat.
Randi is fixing to film my statement.
I'm gonna tell Lane and Marty and all our followers that I'm the reason we cannot make that cake.
Phil, I can't let you do that.
Oh, hallelujah.
Thank you so much.
That's what I was hoping you'd say.
But what you are gonna do is bake that wedding cake for Lane and Marty.
- But I don't - No, listen.
Look, I just saw Max, and I thought it was gonna be so painful now that I know we'll only ever be friends.
But when I left the Middle C, I felt amazing.
Like I could really fly.
Like I had just been set free from something that had been holding me back and, Phil, I want to set you free, too.
But even if I made that cake, it wouldn't taste right.
I have to bake with love in my heart and my heart is broke plumb in two.
Well, Phil, you love me, 'cause look what you were just about to do for me.
And you love Randi a-and the café.
And all the cats.
And my mama.
My seven brothers and sisters.
My baby ducks.
You are surrounded by love, Phil.
I mean, the ducks thing is kind of weird, but we got you.
Hello? Hello, Lane? This is the baker from Kat's Cat Café.
I would be honored to bake your wedding cake for you and your soon-to-be husband.
What'd I tell you? Dream team.
God, you look beautiful tonight.
I know.
Come here, you.
What the ? I want to say hello to the world And it feels so good Wave your hands and say Hello to the world Do the things you always wish you would Wave your hands and say hello to the world Hello to the world - Feels so - Feels so good Feels so Do the things you always wish you would Wave your hands and say hello to the world.

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