Call Me Kat (2021) s01e06 Episode Script


1 Oh.
I've missed you all.
This is the part where you say you missed me, too.
Oh, thank you.
So, let's get right to it.
I got some great news this week.
Mousekers, guess what! I'm a finalist for the Courier Journal's annual Twenty Under Forty list.
20 people under 40 years old who have a positive impact on the community.
Now, give me some paw.
Yeah! And then I got something stuck in my head.
No, not a salad fork.
Not a Q-tip.
A song.
Be the you that you've always dreamed of Come and get fit and strong We're the gym you've always dreamed of The place where you belong.
It's the jingle for the local gym.
And if I make the Twenty Under Forty list, they do a photo spread of all the winners.
So, time to get fit for the pic.
Are you ready to be the you you've always dreamed of? Is Euclidean geometry the first form of architecture? Yes! The answer's yes.
(GROWLS) (IMITATES SCHWARZENEGGER): Are you intimidated by these muscles? (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
I haven't even been yet.
On with our show.
Be the you that you've always dreamed of The place where you belong, place where you belong Place where you belong.
- What's this? - Furry Time Story Time.
It's a new program thought up by our owner.
Wherein a very handsome and gifted storyteller it's me reads stories to the kids while being surrounded by sweet kitties.
Oh, that sounds like so much fun.
Maybe I'll bring my son.
Is there wine for the grown-ups? There is.
- Then we'll definitely be there.
- Ooh.
(CHUCKLES) Mamas and their wine.
I don't like it.
(LAUGHS) Well, I'm back.
Spent a lot more than I intended to on gym clothes for my new life as a gym rat.
But part of that was because I had to pay for a sports bra that a stranger had to cut me out of.
Girl, zippers in the front will save your life.
But zip slowly.
You don't want to zip a nip.
Been there, zipped that.
And I'm going to my first kickboxing class tomorrow.
Kind of nervous, but also excited, 'cause you know me, I love to kick.
Oh! I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I'll clean that up.
Let me get you a drink voucher.
Don't worry.
I keep them in my apron.
Here you go.
I'm sorry.
You know, gyms weren't a thing when I was a kid.
We just climbed trees, chased livestock and danced for the Lord.
Oh, Daniel and I are going to the gym tomorrow, too.
Maybe we'll see you there.
Oh, look at you and Daniel, getting sweaty together.
Or as I call it, "sweaty-to-getty.
" Well, you know we have to go on dates to places that don't require tipping, since he's morally opposed.
So it was either the gym or the zoo, and I don't do zoos, ever since I witnessed a disgusting event with a monkey and some poop.
I call it the monkey-rhea incident of 2015.
Great news, dear.
I found a lipstick that's smudge-proof, waterproof and Katharine-proof.
- What does that mean? - My mother can't accept the fact that I'm not big on lipstick.
But there's something about my physiology that doesn't allow it to stay on my actual lips.
Hi, I'm Greg.
Oh, hi.
I'm Kat.
It's for your Twenty Under Forty interview with Jordan Evan Luther.
He's the one who makes the list every year.
Handlebar mustache.
Everybody knows him.
You really think lipstick is gonna make the difference between me getting on the list or not? Oh, I know it will.
Show me a man who can say no to a bold, red lip and I'll show you a man who's dead inside.
She is not wrong.
Marty used to wear a tinted ChapStick.
Got my blood pumping.
Let's talk about sweat, baby Let's talk about kickboxing Let's talk about all the good things at the gym Nope.
Oh, do you want me to take that for you? - What? No.
- Oh.
Guess she doesn't want to be my gym friend.
Ooh, this looks like fun.
Oh! Oh, I am so sorry.
- Ow.
- I'm sorry.
But-but you know what? T-This could be the hilarious beginning to our gym friendship.
We could hang out at the smoothie bar together, and people will be like, "How'd you meet?" And you'll be like, "Funny story.
" Go ahead, try it.
Say, "Funny Story.
" - No.
- No.
- Hey, Kat.
- KAT: Oh, hey.
Nice to see you again, Daniel.
Or should I say, Mr.
Eleven of last year's Twenty Under Forty List? I see you, youngest partner at the most prestigious law firm in Louisville.
Oh, yeah, Kat's getting interviewed - for that list tomorrow.
- Oh, congrats.
So, tell me everything.
Did it change your life? Like, do you get showered with gifts? Do people stop and stare at you on the street? Uh, it did, actually.
I got a bump in business, a bump in pay and it got me a stalker.
I want all of those things.
Uh, no, maybe not the stalker.
Um, any insider tips on nailing the interview? Look, don't be intimidated by Jordan Evan Luther.
Just give him three examples of how your work serves your community.
And most importantly, play it cool.
(CHUCKLES) That, I shall do.
I'm gonna play it cool to the touch.
- (YELPS) - Whoa, I am so sorry.
All right, all right, all right, gorgeous people.
It is time to party.
Whoa! I love a good party.
All right, let's go, to the left, to the left.
You heard the man, you heard the man! To the left, to the left.
You heard the man, you heard the man! To the left, to the left.
You heard the man.
You heard the man.
Okay, everybody grab a mitt and partner up.
Let's get six kicks on your right, six kicks on your left.
You're with me, beautiful.
I'm conflicted.
I know it's a hollow compliment.
It's definitely sexist.
But so few people say anything nice nowadays.
All right.
Right here.
(GRUNTS) Sorry.
I'm just I'm seeing double right now.
But I can assure you, I did kick one of the mitts I just saw.
Damn, girl.
You got some strong legs.
- And Michelle Obama arms.
- (LAUGHS) Thanks.
We should have a summer wedding, so you can go sleeveless.
Say what? You did not just say the word "wedding" on our third date.
Yeah, I did.
I thought it and I said it.
You know what else I'm thinking about? Whether our family Christmas cards should be funny or sincere.
W-Why don't you give me a break and hit on these for a while? I don't want to do it.
Come on.
You got this.
I want you to find that voice that's holding you back and prove it wrong.
Come on.
He's working my body, he's working my mind.
Mind, body, body, mind.
SHEILA: Come on, you 39-year-old flat-ass.
This is your last chance to make the Twenty Under Forty list.
Now kick like you want it.
(GROWLS) Yeah, see? You got it, gorgeous.
Good job! Yeah, there you go.
Thanks, stud.
I woke up two minutes before my alarm went off.
That's how excited I am about my interview for the Twenty Under Forty list.
Unfortunately, I am so sore that I can't move my arms to get out of bed.
Or my legs.
And I have to pee.
How are you not sore, Randi? I couldn't even lift my arms to button my skirt.
In case you were wondering, it's not buttoned.
Because I work out every damn day.
I'm used to it.
But I'll tell you what I'm not used to: a dude talking about us getting married on our third date.
So you got proposed to while I got paralyzed? - That seems fair.
- Kat, I'm serious.
He was talking about sending out holiday cards.
I called him a player, and he said, "I'm a for-realer," which is exactly what a player would say, which I know, because I've said it.
Oh, the mail's here.
Take a reward scone, Frank.
There's a surprise in the middle.
Oh, I'll just tell you, it's bacon.
What you got there, Phil? Oh, it's the book I'm gonna read for Furry Time Story Time.
Mama used to read it to us kids every night and when she got to the end we'd say, "Read it again, Mama.
" Partly because we didn't want to go back to bed and partly because she needed to practice her reading.
Randi, it's Jordan Evan Luther from the Courier Journal.
(GASPS) He's early for my interview.
Now I'm nervous on top of being sore.
I'm sore-vous.
Please don't talk like that during your interview.
(SCOFFS) Obviously.
(CHUCKLES) Jordan Evan Luther, I believe? - Kat Silver.
- I am.
The one and only.
Actually, that's not true.
There are six other Katharine Silvers in Louisville.
The oldest of us is 93.
I like to think of her as our leader.
Okay, I am a little early, uh, but if you're ready, should we knock this out? Yeah.
Let's, uh, let's knock this out.
Let's knock it out so hard that it gets a concussion.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTING) Oh, could I get a cup of coffee? (STRAINS): Would be my pleasure.
Nothing I would like more to walk over here and do that.
Is everything okay? Yeah, it's just, um, I just, I overdid it a little bit at the gym down the street, so my muscles are spasming.
Or I've been poisoned.
I'm not really sure which.
I just joined that gym.
Yes, it's my new lunchtime ritual, as I am trying to replace desk lunch with a smoothie and a workout.
Oh, I haven't checked out the smoothie bar, although I did see there is one called Almond Attack, and I thought, "Well, I am up for that fight.
" Ah.
So, Kat, what inspired you to open a cat café? Um (GRUNTS) Well, uh, my father had just died, and I was kind of reevaluating my place in the world.
And I thought, you know, "What can I do to make other people happy? To make me happy?" (CHUCKLES) I know that probably sounds horribly corny.
Or, as I like to call it, "horny.
" And then, when I tried to explain myself, I just kept repeating it over and over.
Like, "I am such a horny person.
I'm especially horny at night.
" On and on.
And do you know how many examples I gave about how my café serves the community? None.
Then just call the dude and ask for another meeting.
Tell him you were, like, high on drugs or something.
'Cause that's what I thought when I first met you.
He's not gonna give me two interviews when everybody else only gets one.
I wish I could just run into him somewhere, li-like at the grocery store.
Or the gym! He goes to my gym! He told me that.
I-I could just, like, run into him during his lunchtime workout and drop my three examples.
Randi, maybe you and Daniel could go with me tomorrow and Daniel can help me sweet-talk him? Oh.
No, no, no.
I ditched Daniel.
He was way too cocky for me.
But I am going on a date tonight with a doctor whose name is Wait a minute.
It starts with a "P.
" Maybe a "E.
" Oh, "T"! Taryn.
You better get that figured out before you call out the wrong name in the throes of passion.
Please never mention my throes of passion.
I'll go with you.
I'll be your emotional support workout buddy.
You're a member of Body for the People, too? It's like a secret society I am just learning about.
Yeah, I'm trying to get more cardio in.
When I was living in France, Brigitte and I would bike everywhere.
It was such a good workout.
(FRENCH ACCENT): The only thing more fun to ride is you.
(BICYCLE BELL DINGS) Okay! We get it! You're so in love, you can't even bike alone! Codependent much?! I want to do it.
Oh, good.
I'm glad you're all here.
I just read over my childhood book that I was gonna read for Furry Time Story Time, and I think it might be (WHISPERS): a tad bit racist.
Would one of y'all take a look? What year was it written? MAX/CARTER/KAT/RANDI: It's racist.
Oh, Carter, what am I gonna do? None of these books from the library are as entertaining as the book I was gonna read.
If you're looking for permission to read a racist book, you're not gonna get it from me.
No, of course not.
But maybe if you read it, you could tell me which parts to skip.
- No.
- (SIGHS) Well, did you have a favorite book as a child? No, not really.
They were always about animals or white people, so I could never relate.
Yeah, I understand that.
I guess none of the books I read told my story either.
Well, there's your answer.
Tell your own story.
There may be a kid out there - who needs to hear it.
- Hmm.
I'll have to leave the part out about where I took my donkey to the prom.
Kids don't want to hear a love story.
- Hey, nice lipstick, by the way.
- (CHUCKLES) Thanks, by the way.
My mom gave it to me and promises it'll stay on my lips.
- I think it's made for drag queens.
- (CHUCKLES) How's your smoothie? Mine has a lot of particles in it.
My Almond Attack is feeling a little attack-y - in my tummy.
- (CHUCKLES) Guess I shouldn't have ordered that second one.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, I think your guy's here.
KAT: Oh, no.
He's talking to my gym enemy.
Or, as I call her, my "gym-iny.
" I need you to distract her.
Go flirt.
I am not a piece of meat to be thrown at stuff.
Please? Excuse me.
Hey, is your name Michelle? - No.
- Oh, that's funny.
You remind me of somebody I know.
- Oh, uh, Ms.
- Hi! I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see you here, 'cause you did mention you come to this gym.
That's right.
Yeah, I'm just, you know, trying to get my workout in.
Yeah, I-I'll let you get to it.
However, there there were a few things that I forgot to tell you during my interview about how my café helps serve the community.
(GAGS) This smoothie is not serving my community very well right now.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) First, we host community outreach events (GRUNTS) Second (GRUNTS) I'm about to lose this fight.
Look away.
(RETCHING LOUDLY) (COUGHS) I'm sorry, where was I? Look, I know it was rough, but you still might make the list.
You know when somebody's trying to make you feel better but they actually make you feel worse because they're making you relive the event? Stop making me relive the event.
Okay, new line of questioning.
Why do you care about a stupid list anyway? It's a big deal, Max.
They put your picture in the paper and they give you a pretty certificate to hang on your wall.
And all of the people who doubted me when I said I was gonna open a cat café would see it and say, "Wow.
She was right and I was wrong.
" Like my mother, my classmate from grad school Becky Finkle, the guy who gave me the loan at the bank and had the nerve to say, - "I'll see you in default.
" - (CHUCKLES) So, you wanted validation? I did.
Is that shallow? You took a huge risk with your life and you want to tell the haters to suck it.
It may be shallow, but it's real.
He gets me.
- Um, what are you doing here? - I came for Story Time.
This is Aubrey.
I stole her from a park.
Nah, I'm just kidding, she's my niece.
- (LAUGHS) - And people say lawyers can't be funny.
(RANDI LAUGHS) Uh, well, I told you that I have plans tonight.
I'm going on a date with a doctor named Taryn.
Oh, well, I feel bad for him.
Oh, yeah, and why is that? Well, because the whole time you're with him, you're gonna be missing me.
And I can't imagine how hard that's gonna be on you, but you're strong.
The grapes on that guy.
So that night, after Daddy finished yelling, Little Phil Kitty hid all the things that upset his daddy under his bed.
Like his baton, his lace collection, and his firemen calendar.
He knew they'd be safe because his Scarlett O'Hara doll, that he permanently borrowed from his best friend's sister, was there to protect them.
Even though she couldn't save Tara from burning.
And after another night of fighting with his dad, Little Kitty decided he could either buy a one-way ticket to Whisker-ta or he could do something scary.
He picked scary.
Which, coincidentally, would become his favorite Spice Girl.
So he went to his daddy and he said, "If you can accept the one thing you don't like about me, "then you'll get all the other things you love about me.
And we can stay in each other's lives.
" All nine of them.
And after some thinking time, Daddy Kitty gave Little Kitty the hug of his life.
I didn't even cry this much when my son was born.
I once built a nail salon out of Legos.
Well, isn't that special? Ah, you're back.
Yeah, I'm back.
Couldn't quit thinking about me, could you? No, that's not it.
Taryn had to go on an emergency call.
But maybe I did think about you a little bit.
Okay, good, 'cause you really had me sweating there for a while.
Well, you look good in sweat.
So you're saying you want a summer wedding? (BOTH LAUGH) Hey, everybody.
I want to introduce you to the owner of Kat's Cat Café.
Story Time was her idea.
In fact, this whole café was her idea.
A place where we can all come together, have fun and be ourselves.
- Ms.
Kat Silver! - (APPLAUSE) JACOB: (WHOOPS) We love you, Kat! Beep.
(LAUGHS) Feel validated? I don't need no stinking list.
- Ah! - Cookies! I need to cancel my membership.
Do you want to transfer your membership to another location? (CHUCKLES) Do I want to eat glass for fun? The answer's no.
I just want to cancel.
Well, we require a two-month notice to cancel, and you just joined last week.
(LAUGHS) Here's the thing, Kyle.
I joined this gym because I thought I was gonna get my picture in the paper.
But it turns out, that's not happening.
And that's okay because I also realized that your jingle just doesn't apply to me, because I was the me I've always dreamed of Before I started coming here.
So, I know this is hard on the both of us, but you got to let me go, Kyle.
Sorry, the cancellation clause is very clear.
Well, I'm, I'm guessing there were some other clauses in there, too, as well.
Like an inappropriate conduct clause which might require you to kick somebody out if they, say, uh, threw all your pens on the floor.
Or, uh, uh, what if I sexy-danced with every gym friend that comes in here? Like this gym friend.
You need a sexy dance.
You need a sexy dance.
You need No? No? Okay.
Still nothing? Uh, what if I were to, uh, start doing the dolphin, like, right in the middle of your lobby for no apparent reason? (IMITATING DOLPHIN SQUEAK) SHEILA: Katharine? Mother? You're a member of this gym, too? I'm moving on The sun is shining And it's a brand-new day I, I am go We're living the moment And it's a brand-new day I'm moving on The sun is shining And it's a brand-new day I, I am go We're living the moment And it's a brand-new day.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode