Call Me Kat (2021) s01e07 Episode Script


1 Hi.
I've really enjoyed our intimate talks.
So I thought you wouldn't mind joining me here.
That's Dr.
She's my new gyno.
But I like to call her my "gy-yes.
" Because she is so positive.
So, how are you? Physically? Well, I could tell you, but you went to school for this.
No, I mean how are you generally? I just like to get to know my patients before I glove up and clock in.
Oh, uh, well, in that case, I'm pretty good I own the cat café in the Highlands.
Uh, I said goodbye to Mr.
Mousekers this morning, and I swear he responded with a meow that sounded like, "I love you.
" Uh, and you're 39? Well, I've started telling people I'm 42, so they'll tell me how good I look.
You look good for 39.
- Well, thank you.
- Single? Let's see how this goes.
And kids? - Not yet.
- Oh, have you frozen your eggs? Uh, no.
Want to? Uh well I'm only asking because as we age, our egg reserve decreases and then there's perimenopause right around the corner in your 40s.
I'm getting a little dry in the mouth.
I know it's a lot, but if you're thinking you might want to have kids at some point, freezing your eggs is something you'll want to do now.
Now? Like now now? Now? Wow, so you're gonna freeze your eggs? Maybe.
Marshall ran some tests to see if I even have any eggs to freeze at my age.
Uh, I'd be optimistic.
You're pretty immature.
Well, sure, on the outside.
You know, but on the inside, maybe I'm like that, that one banana that's so far gone, you can't even use it in banana bread.
Yeah, that's why you're supposed to freeze your bananas before they go that bad.
Do you want kids? Well, I hated being an only child.
And I always imagined I'd have a bunch of kids one day.
You know, they-they'd all be musical and-and start a band.
And I'd be, like, the mom-ager, who made sure they weren't oversexualized at too young an age.
I had a fantasy as a kid, too.
I killed all my brothers and sisters so I could have my own room.
Well, when my friends started having their first babies, I was in grad school.
And when they had their second babies, I was trying to get tenure.
And then when their babies started having babies, I was giving birth to this café.
And your post-café bod looks great, by the way.
Thank you, you're pretty smoking yourself.
So I've been told.
Kat? I overheard your conversation and I just want you to know that if you need any help, I'll do it.
Do what, Wyatt? Sire your children.
Yeah, no-no siring needed here.
Thanks so much.
Okay, but I think I've got what you're looking for.
Virility, masculinity and a strong hairline that's been passed down for generations.
- I'll give it some thought.
- And just so you know, I'm cool with however you want to be inseminated.
All right, little man, you download the app I told you about? I did, but I'm so anxious, I'm sweating through my Dolly Parton long johns.
Oh, is it that neighborhood app? Oh, that stresses me out, too.
Is it a million raccoons or are we all seeing the same raccoon? No, I'm helping Phil put all his bills on autopay.
This bitch is going digital! All right, Phil, you press here, you'll see all your charges from last month.
Damn, Phil, $3,500 on hearing aids?! Can't you just be, like, old-fashioned and hold up a funnel to your ear? Well, I didn't buy 'em for me.
I bought 'em for Henry.
Who's Henry? He's a gentleman I met on Silver Shepherds.
It's a dating app for gay Christian seniors.
Aw, good for you, Phil.
It warms my heart to know you're out there rustling up some hot shepherd tail.
Well, we haven't actually met in person.
We just chat on the phone.
Oh, so just a little phone sex? You better walk that dirty mind back.
Maybe a little.
Phil! You do not give thousands of dollars to a guy you've only talked to on the phone.
You could be getting catfished.
Well, that can't be bad that's my favorite fish.
No, man, "catfished" is when a con artist pretends to be somebody else to take advantage of a nice, innocent person like you.
Carter's right.
He might've sold those hearing aids for cash.
Henry wouldn't do that.
See, that's what I'm saying.
Henry might not be Henry.
He could be a 25-year-old gamer living in his mama's basement.
Oh, it's a shame to lose your hearing that young.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Randi? Randi, Randi, Randi, that woman wants to adopt Nelly.
Really? Nelly's been here since we opened.
I thought she was a lifer.
Oh, not me.
I always knew someone would see how special she is.
I write "Nelly gets adopted" and put it in my wish jar every night.
Okay, but did you tell them that she's blind in one eye and she walks into walls? I did.
Hey, Kat.
Do you want these in the back? Um, no, Steve, that's okay, you can just leave them right here.
You know, uh, I was just reading on Reddit how coffee beans can be toxic to cats.
Yes, Steve, I opened a cat café, so I knew that.
Did you also know that I've been wanting to ask you out on a date for a while? I mean, that's actually why I have a coffee safe so I can keep the beans away from the cats.
Did you not hear him, Grandma? He just asked you out.
- What happened now? - Uh maybe like dinner this weekend or something? Did you know that the word dinner comes from the old French word disner, which actually means breakfast? - Girl, if you don't just say yes.
- Okay, yes.
Um, this weekend.
- That would be lover-ly.
- Great.
Uh, I got your number here, so, uh I'll call you.
Well, well, well.
My insemination options are stacking up nicely.
Unknown caller, ooh.
Hey, Steve, aren't you a little eager beaver with the Kat fever? - Hey, it's Dr.
- Oh, sorry.
Uh, yeah, hi, Dr.
Marshall, this is she.
It's my doctor with the test results Randi, hold me.
Boundaries, Wyatt.
"Somewhat viable.
" She said I was "somewhat viable.
" I was hoping for a "Go for it!" Or "Nope, too late.
" Or "Hey, want to grab a glass of white zin and talk about boys?" But, no, I got "somewhat viable.
" I once ate some oysters that were somewhat viable.
I ended up in the ER.
They had to cut my jeans off.
Well, Kat, what does your doctor think you should do? She said it's my decision and there are no guarantees.
So as far as my friendship with her goes, I'm less enamored.
Well, why don't you make a pros and cons list? That's how I decided whether or not to tell Daniel I did not care for his night kimono.
I decided not to, and that was a big mistake, because then he gave me a matching one.
And now we look like back-up singers.
Okay, uh, pros and cons list.
That's a good idea.
Uh, okay.
Uh, first of all, I'd have to give myself hormone shots.
Okay, that sounds like a con.
I can help you with the hormone shots.
Ooh, more quality time with Phil.
That's a pro.
I used to give Mama her insulin.
I'd grab her by the neck fat to distract her, and then shoot her in the belly! Okay, so maybe a wash on that one.
Look, I can't think of anything cuter and weirder than having a tiny, little you running around.
I know.
Pro, pro, pro.
But freezing your eggs is expensive.
I know.
Con, con, con.
It's, like, $15,000 for one retrieval attempt.
Reminds me of those arcade claw games that I never win.
Like, get the egg, get the egg, get the Aw, you got the fuzzy dice.
If you want a kid that bad, take mine.
CJ's been riding my ass all week about getting a tattoo.
Of what you ask? His video game controller.
You know what that looks like when it's sketched out? A penis with buttons.
That's funny, I wanted a tattoo of a penis with buttons, but it looked too much like a video game controller.
Sorry, it's just, this conversation makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, 'cause you don't like discussing female problems? No, because I'm your friend and it just seems like a really tough thing to put your body through.
All right, new strategy.
Let's take a vote.
No voting it's not our decision to make.
Uh, I have a question.
Once they get 'em out of you, where do they put 'em? In a freezer somewhere, and then every time the power goes out, I'm gonna be all worried about them.
Like how when it goes out now, I worry about my popsicles.
But these are not popsicles, they're people-sicles.
Hey, Carter, is my phone ready? Yep, got the rest of your utilities synced up on autopay.
You just keep making that dough by baking that dough, and you're good to go, bro.
Thanks for looking out for me, Carter.
Although I'm gonna miss Bonnie, my favorite teller at the bank.
She has the most beautiful, long fingernails.
I've seen her scratch off five lottery tickets at the same time.
Well, speaking of looking out for you, your boyfriend Henry texted while I had your phone.
Now, don't freak out, but I took the liberty of texting him back and asking him to meet you here tonight.
- You did what? - Look, I know, but I can't just let you keep handing out money to a guy you don't know exists.
This way, if a little old guy with a couple of hearing aids shows up, I'll text you, you come by and say hi.
But I'm not ready to say hi! Then I'll say you went to a funeral or something.
But if nobody shows up, I'm calling the cops, we gonna find that catfish, get your money back, and throw his ass in jail.
Knock, knock.
You know, people usually knock before they enter.
What if I had a gentleman caller? We took our chances.
Is there a reason you're here? Yes, because I can't believe that my Kitty Kats is gonna have kittens! Mother, I told you not to say anything.
I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet.
I couldn't help it, we were getting a couples massage.
How can I not tell her? The daughter she always wanted.
I have a present.
My favorite maternity clothes.
I have been saving them for just such an occasion.
All right, slow down, you're putting the clothes before the horse.
There's a lot of unknowns here.
I don't even know if I want to do it and I don't even know if it's gonna be successful if I do try and do it.
Don't be such a Gloomy Gus.
I feel it in my gut that this process is gonna bring me a grandchild.
Yeah, but it's in my gut that it needs to happen.
And it's an awful lot of money for a big gamble.
Oh, don't worry about the money.
I'll help you.
Well, that's interesting since you didn't help me when the café needed a new generator.
Can I push a generator on a swing or get it into beauty pageants? No, but it can keep your lights on during a power outage.
Can a baby do that? Baby's sounding pretty useless right now, huh? This was my favorite when I was pregnant with Hailey.
You know, if I had all the options available today, you'd have a brother or sister.
Wait, you told me you didn't want to have more kids because being pregnant gave you back acne.
You were too young to get the whole story.
We just couldn't get pregnant.
I'd given up on having kids at all when we finally found out you were on the way.
Then, when I had you, oh, I felt my life's purpose was fulfilled.
You look so cute, Sheila.
Please, she looks like she should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Can you believe that Carter used my phone to contact Henry like that? - It's my phone.
- Yes, that was pretty ballsy, but I'm gonna have to take Carter's side on this one.
That was a lot of money that you gave a stranger, and this online dating stuff is a cesspool of deceit.
I know.
I'm the biggest turd in the pool.
I got to come clean.
Randi, I told Henry that I'm six-foot-two and used to model for Dillard's.
So that would make you the catfisher.
But I can't tell Carter because he thinks catfishers should be in jail.
But you're a weird kind of catfisher.
You're giving money away.
That's like breaking into someone's house and leaving a TV.
I feel terrible.
Sweet Henry's gonna show up hoping to meet me, and I didn't even use my real picture.
Well, whose picture did you use? Hello.
Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
Here you go.
Uh, where the heck are you going looking like that? Well, I'm just trying to figure this out.
My mother and Tara were talking about how being pregnant was such a magical time and gave them purpose.
So I just thought that maybe if I experienced life as a pregnant woman for a little bit, it might give me some clarity about whether I ever want to do this for real.
Okay, but this just puts me in an awkward situation about whether I should let you leave or stage an intervention.
- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you.
It's a very special time.
Let me get that for you.
Thanks so much.
It's my pleasure.
It is my pleasure to be pleasured by you.
That came out wrong.
Oh, little line.
Oh, does anyone mind if we let the pregnant woman cut to the front? Oh Strawberry on a sugar cone, please.
Do you mind if I guess? I'm pretty good at this.
- My weight? - Oh, no, no.
Uh, the sex of the baby.
Right, yeah.
Um, guess away.
Uh, by the way you're carrying, I would say it's a boy.
Nope, it's a girl.
I could have made him right, but I decided to make him wrong.
I feel really powerful right now.
There you go.
I gave you an extra scoop because you're eating for two.
Oh, thank you so much.
What do I owe you? Oh, it's on the house.
Yum! Oh, tastes better when it's free.
Oh, sorry.
Kat? Steve.
Maybe he won't notice that I'm - Are you pregnant? - He noticed.
Wait, you're really pregnant? - It's a girl.
- Very helpful.
Thank you.
But I just saw you at your café yesterday and you didn't look pregnant.
Uh, th-the reason that you didn't notice is that I-I popped overnight.
Which, as a man, you may not know it's an actual thing.
- It's a real thing.
- Don't you have ice cream to scoop? Look, uh, I don't know that I'm ready to go on a date with someone who's - I'm not pregnant.
- What? I have to tell you something.
I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything in front of all those people, but you can relax.
This is all a misunderstanding.
I'm not really pregnant.
You look really pregnant.
I'm just doing an experiment.
A little personal, social experiment.
Okay, full disclosure, I'm thinking about freezing my eggs because I might want to get pregnant someday, but I'm not quite sure.
I could also adopt.
I'm super pro-adoption.
Maybe things will work out between us and we'll do things the old-fashioned way.
Or not.
No, but seriously, it's just a pillow under there go ahead, pinch it.
I'm not pinching your baby.
Then put your hand up my shirt.
Um, that's more of an after-date thing.
Steve, it's just a pillow from my couch.
Hold this.
See? I don't feel anything.
Okay, fine.
Say "push.
" Push.
See? Pillow baby! Easy birth.
Hey, I can drink again.
"Wah!" Ooh.
Burp the baby.
What the hell, Phil? Here I was, worried about you, only to find out that you stole Max's identity.
I'm sorry, Max.
But in my defense I never thought you'd find out.
- Well, I found out.
- He had to break up with an old man wearing hearing aids.
Do you know how many times Max had to repeat hisself? Everybody at the bar had a tear in their eye.
I pulled out some of my go-to breakup phrases.
"The timing's off.
" "You deserve better.
" "I think I'm just scared of being happy.
" And then, ultimately, "I'm not Phil!" I'm sorry I put you in that position, but I have never online-dated before, and I didn't think anybody'd pay any attention if they saw the real me.
Well, someday, Phil, you're gonna have to start seeing yourself the way everyone else does.
You know what? Repeat after me.
I am Phil Crumpler, and I am hot as hell! I'm not gonna say that.
Okay, then try this: I am Phil Crumpler, and I make the most delicious pies and tell great stories.
And I am cute as a button.
Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it! - Say it! - I'm Phil Crumpler, and I'm hot as hell! Oh, I'm getting my mojo back.
Do you think I should text Henry? Yeah, I think he'd like that.
When I walked him to his car, his lip was kind of trembling, so I gave him a hug.
And then he grabbed a cheek.
Well, turns out lying is a bad idea.
See? You know, I can see how giving birth to a throw pillow on the sidewalk in front of a group of onlookers might be a little bit nuts, but I feel like I was driven nuts trying to make a decision that Steve will never even have to make.
So screw you, Steve.
Well, let's not be too hard on Steve.
Sounds like a lot of things were coming at him at once.
Yeah, screw you, Max, for taking Steve's side.
You know, you guys have all the time in the world to make decisions about procreation.
You know who else has all the time in the world? Cats.
They can have kittens up until the day they die.
But not this Kat.
Hey, there's still kind of a clock with guys.
I mean, I wouldn't want me and my kid to both be in diapers at the same time.
Even in a diaper, he's still hot.
So, wait, do you want to have kids? Mm, not really.
I mean, I love roughhousing with my nieces and nephews, and I loved teaching, but I don't like thinking about my own future, and worrying about someone else's - might make my head explode.
- Hmm.
You'd be a fun dad, though.
Oh, I acknowledge that.
You'd be a fun mom.
Oh, I acknowledge that.
But you still have time to change your mind.
I don't.
This might be my last chance to have biological children.
Which I may not even want, or maybe I do, I There I go, Max, back on the hamster wheel: circular thoughts, circular thoughts.
What does your gut tell you? My gut? Tells me that I have no idea what the rest of my life's gonna look like, much less what I'm gonna want or need in a year.
I-I never thought I'd quit my job and open a cat café.
I never thought I'd become a One Direction fan four years after they broke up.
They didn't actually break up.
- It's just a hiatus.
- They're in a hiatus.
Look, I may be turning 40 soon, but I still feel like my future is full of unknown possibilities.
Kat I may not know math like you do, but I know this: if freezing your eggs isn't a hundred percent no, it's a yes.
That's not really math at all, but I like it.
And like you said, it's expensive, it may not work but in the spirit of possibilities let that be one of them.
You voted.
You said you weren't gonna vote, but you voted.
I just I want for you what you want for you.
I think that's what you want.
I think that is what I want.
I want possibilities.
Or what if I tell my mother I'm freezing my eggs, take her money, and we go on a badass cruise to Alaska? - I support that as well.
- Cheers.
Phil? Henry? Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.
Oh, you're gonna make me blush! Sit down, handsome.
Nice to meet you.
We call her Nelly, but you can name her whatever you want.
I like Nelly.
She's an only child, and this is her first pet, so it's a big deal for her.
I get it.
Okay, now you get to flip the number.
Good job.
All right, well, take good care of Nelly.
Here are all her eye patches.
She's probably gonna want to sleep under the covers with you.
Sorry I'm crying, it's just that she's one of my favorites and and I'm taking hormone shots.
Her favorite song is Nelly's "Hot in Herre.
" Is it me, or is it really getting hot in here? All right, well, goodbye.
Goodbye to you, Nelly.
Oh And goodbye to you.
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh We know how to work it and we work it real good Bright lights are shining, they like the way we look I ain't got no shoes but got a whole lot of soul Watch me now Watch me now, whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Watch me, watch me now.

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