Call Me Kat (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Alexa, remind me to call my mother every day at 6:00 p.
m.
ALEXA: Okay, I'll remind you every day at 6:00 p.
m.
Isn't that wonderful? Now you won't have to worry about forgetting.
My mother decided to give me my birthday present three months early.
I suspect so she could feel appreciated longer.
She can help you keep your calendar, make your grocery list.
Alexa, make a fart sound.
ALEXA: Okay, here's big fart.
- (FART NOISE) - (LAUGHS) Oh, Katharine, really? Hey, you don't get to control my relationship with Alexa just because you introduced us.
We like to have fun, okay? We're silly.
You're also almost 40 years old.
Oh, that reminds me.
The cemetery called.
Oh, my gosh.
They come calling now? How long did they give you? They called to say that the burial plot next to me and Daddy just became available.
Wait, how does a burial plot just "become available"? Well, they said the police wouldn't let them comment on ongoing investigations, but they assured me he's not going back in.
And since you don't have a husband to be buried next to, you should scoop this one up.
And on that awesome new thing I have to think about, on with our show.
How's your pee stream, Max? Come again? Well, we're all getting older, and I was just wondering, 'cause I've heard that guys tend to lose power from their pee stream as they age, and you're already 40.
My pee stream age is 25.
If anybody's wondering, I can pee through a mini-donut from across the room.
My stream is so powerful, it can blow a hole in a double cheeseburger.
Clean through from bun to bun.
- (LAUGHS) - Well, I got to go bury my nose in some court cases.
See you tonight? No, I don't think so.
My cousin's in town, so we're going out clubbing.
Oh, cool.
Well, have fun.
Oh, you don't have to tell me to have fun.
When you're this fine, fun just jumps in your lap.
(LAUGHS) Well, if it jumps out before I go to bed at 11:00, - give me a ring.
- All right.
KAT: What a cool guy.
And hot.
He's hot, he's cool.
He's like a therapeutic sports rub.
Yeah, and so confident and understanding.
It's pretty annoying.
KAT: Mm-hmm.
Wait, why is that annoying? I don't know, I mean, we have a great time together, but when I want to do my own stuff, he's just fine with it.
And not once have I caught him trying to look through my phone.
What kind of a boyfriend is that? Uh, the good kind that trusts you? You know what Randi doesn't trust? Trust.
I'm so excited for tonight.
My cousin Birdie found this bar that has a mechanical bull.
Ooh, I got to remember to double-bra the girls.
Ooh, riding a mechanical bull is on my whistle list.
Don't you mean bucket list? Everyone in my family calls it a whistle list because after you do it you go, (WOLF WHISTLES) - "Should've done that sooner.
" - (CHUCKLES) I want to watch Phil ride a bull.
I'm in.
No turning back now.
What time do we go? Hold on.
This is my night out.
And I mean this with great respect: oldies get left in the cold-ie.
Hey, I may be nearing my 40th turn round the sun, and, sure, sometimes when I'm sitting in my rocking chair, I can't tell if the squeaking sound is my chair or my knees.
You have a rocking chair? It's a modern glider.
My point is, I still feel like I'm in my 20s.
And between going to grad school to become a math professor and changing my mind and opening my own business, I missed out on some prime partying.
Oh, come on, Randi.
We'll have fun.
Plus, Phil needs to check mechanical bull riding off his whistle list.
I would love that.
When I was a kid, we used to ride bucking goats.
Mama'd say, "Don't you ride those goats.
Those goats aren't for riding.
" But we did.
It's just that when Birdie and I kick it, we usually like to keep the party going until sunup.
Oh, I see.
The gauntlet has been thrown, has it? Well, I pick up that gauntlet and I say, "We shall party until the little hand's on the six and the big hand's on the 12.
" That's time-telling, old person style.
Okay, fine, just try not to embarrass me while we're out.
- Of course not.
- I would never.
I'm gonna dance like this.
And I'm gonna dance like this.
I'm gonna dance like this.
I'm gonna dance like this.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) (NASALLY): The midnight hour approacheth.
We shall celebrate bringing in the new day with souvenir cups.
Are these drinks gray? (REGULAR VOICE): Yeah.
It's called the Louisville Tombstone.
'Cause after two of these, you'll be six feet under.
I read that on the menu.
Which reminds me, I need to talk to you about my burial plot.
No.
This is what I was afraid of.
This is old people talk.
Well, my mother put it on hold, and I only have 24 hours to decide.
It's a very popular location.
People are dying to get in there.
(LAUGHS) Shoot, my texts to Birdie aren't going through.
I don't have any bars in this bar.
Hey.
I figured you don't want a stranger buying you a drink, so we should probably dance first.
- I can see that happening.
- Oh Uh, Randi, what are you doing? Aren't you and Daniel going steady? Oldie says what? You know, uh, dating exclusively.
Daniel doesn't seem to worry about what I do without him, so why should I? Sometimes on the weekend I like to watch a movie - This place is great.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
Great.
So great.
We're doing this.
Yeah, we are.
Sunrise or bust.
(WHOOPS) Do you think we're the oldest people in here? By far.
They're all thinking about drinking and rolling around with each other.
But you know what I'm thinking about? Don't say it, Phil.
- Sleeping.
- (GROANS) Now you got me thinking about Frank.
Who's Frank? Frank is my body pillow.
He's made of memory foam and he has memorized every inch of my body.
By chance, uh, do you and Frank have an open relationship? (LAUGHS) I'm, like, freaking out right now, you're so cute.
Um, will you come dance with me and my friends? Damn me and my teddy bear nature.
- Oh, my gosh.
Get on my back.
- (GRUNTS) Giddyap, girl.
(GASPS) You guys, I got him! (LAUGHS) (YAWNS) Oh, I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
Just like a little tired.
(SNORING) (SNORES) Oh.
Oh, wow.
I fell asleep standing up, like a horse.
Do some exercises, get my blood pumping.
Couple shoulder rolls.
Twists.
- Oh! - Oh! Man down, man down.
- I am so sorry.
- (SHOUTS) Okay, now I stepped on your foot.
Frank never would've let this happen.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? You hit me right in the button.
Uh, by way of apology, here.
Uh, reach in, grab whatever you want.
There's-there's a lot of peppermints in there.
There-There's some fun hair clips.
Okay.
I like hair clips.
(LAUGHS): Hey, you got my keys.
I think you mean my keys.
Well, in that case, I like your U of L keychain.
I used to have one just like it.
- Oh, did you go there? - Yeah.
- Oh, me, too.
- Not to brag, but I'm probably their hugest basketball fan.
Well, since we're both not bragging, when I was a student, I was the mascot.
Shut your face.
You were Louie the Cardinal? Uh, brag on, kind sir.
As you wish, milady.
Remember, like, ten years ago, at halftime, when the mascot took off at the half-court line, jumped on the trampoline, misjudged the hoop, - hit his head on the backboard - And then he had to be carried out on a stretcher and everybody chanted, "Louie! Louie!" - That was me.
- Oh, my God! You're like a celebrity.
You know, I actually auditioned to be the mascot my freshman year.
Oh, really? When was that? Uh, nineteen-ninety let me buy you drink.
(LAUGHS) Why am I suddenly not admitting my age? Maybe I am becoming my mother.
It is weird that I don't know how old you are, Mother.
I'm older than a seedling, but younger than the Moon.
I'm stronger than an oak - and flexible like the wind.
- Flexible like the wind.
Sorry I brought it up.
Well, saddle up, Grandpa.
Wait, wait, I'm getting on, too.
(SHOUTS) I want to run - Whoa.
- (WHOOPING) Whoopee! Yippee-yi-oh, yippee-yi-ki-yay Randi? Phil? Lasso your heart, steal it away Excuse me, sir.
Want to lasso your heart, steal it away Looking for my friends.
Steal it away No, no.
Randi, no.
("MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" PLAYING) Let's go, girls Finally, a song I know.
Sir, are there rules about dancing on the bar here? Does this answer your question? (LAUGHS) I'm goin' out tonight, I'm feelin' all right (CHEERING) I'm so glad I've practiced this on my kitchen counter at home.
Yeah, I want to scream and shout Phil, look, I'm making money! (LAUGHS) Oh! - No inhibitions - Oh I'm okay.
I'm okay.
- Let's party.
- (CHEERING) I ain't gonna act politically correct I only want to have a good time.
I can't believe we've been at the wrong club.
Birdie's at The Bear and The Bull, not The Bull and The Bear.
Phil, you scared me to death when I saw you go flying off that bull.
I thought you were gonna die.
Not a chance.
Mama always taught me that if I fell from any height, just go limp.
That way, I wouldn't break anything.
Randi, you scared me, too.
I mean, I don't want to judge, 'cause that would be an old people thing, so I'll just keep it young and curious.
What were you doing rubbing up against that guy on the dance floor? You have a boyfriend.
Again, I'm just asking in a young, cool, Blue's Clues kind of way.
Hey, those are the type of things that go down when young people party.
Are you saying that you can't handle it? Wh Are you kidding me? I was dancing with a topless bartender and I made 23 bucks.
Which I then gave him 'cause I accidentally crushed his citrus squeezer.
I don't know why, but that makes my nuts hurt.
Ooh, I also punched a guy and we had an awesome conversation.
We have birthdays in the same month, although I'll be turning 40 and he'll be turning 30.
Ooh, yeah, no, you don't need that hassle.
Guys mature way later, so a 29-year-old dude is really like a 19-year-old boy.
Oh, well, that's interesting, Randi.
So you can comment on my relationship, but I can't comment on yours? Oh, so now it's a relationship? No.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
- Stop the car! Stop the car! - Oh, no.
Are you gonna yak? 'Cause this outfit is dry-clean only.
No, look.
That's the cemetery where I may or may not take up permanent residence for all eternity.
You want to check out my new digs? Get it? Digs? (LAUGHING) I do get it.
BOTH: Digs.
When I was a kid, we'd visit the cemetery all the time.
Mama would put cigarettes on Pa-paw's grave and then she'd say, "You can't die twice from smoking.
" Hey, I-I know where we are.
My father's plot should be right over here.
Oh, my God.
- Kat, I'm coming.
- No, Phil, don't run.
KAT: Are you okay? PHIL: I'm good.
I just went limp again.
At the beginning of the night, I thought you guys only had one foot in the grave, but look at you now.
What should I do? Can you please go find a vine to pull us out? Like a, Like a thick vine.
Where do you think we are that I have size choices of vines? Vine City? Vines"R"Us? Bed Bath & Vines? Probably a lot less roomy in here when they put a coffin in it.
Oh, we'll be fine.
I was stuck in a well for three days when I was a kid.
Strangers lowered food down to me.
I still can't eat a bologna sandwich - without a fishhook in it.
- Well may as well get comfortable.
Here lies Katharine Edith Silver, optimistic human woman, albeit a little chilly.
- This'll warm you up.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Mm.
Ugh.
Phil, I thought that was gonna be whiskey.
What is that? - Homemade bone broth.
- Oh I simmered it for eight hours.
It's all kinds of peppery.
Here, this one's whiskey.
How many flasks do you have, Phil? Only two.
But I've got a little jerky if you get hungry.
Mm there we go.
That'll bring the party back.
Well, it's a nice night out, isn't it? I can see the Big Dipper.
You know, it's actually kind of cool.
I mean, how many people get a view from their final resting place? You know, at some point we all start thinking when the end will come.
I'm just glad you came into my life when you did.
You've already helped me check a lot of things off my whistle list.
You know, I don't know if it's all the Tombstones we drank talking, or the one we're lying under but I don't want to die, Phil.
Oh, I know, honey.
It's such a betrayal.
Just when you start getting good at life, it goes away.
And no matter how young I feel, it's still gonna happen.
I know.
I'm gonna miss so many cool things in the future.
Technology.
Time travel.
Pillows that cut your hair while you sleep.
You know, but most of all, I'm gonna miss fun nights like this with my friends.
Aw.
Hey.
Birdie just texted and said she's at an all-night diner.
She met this hot old guy that she's really into, and she wants to get my opinion of him.
But most importantly, can you believe that Daniel has not texted me once tonight?! - Did you text him? - No, I'm not gonna text him.
What kind of a desperate message would that send? Uh, I don't mean to make this all about me, but we're stuck in a hole here.
Did you find a vine? No, but I did brainstorm, and lucky for you I double-bra'd it.
Ooh, what's the word? Birdie's the word.
Oh, Kat, Phil, Birdie.
Birdie, Kat, Phil.
- Hi, Birdie.
- Hi.
So how's it going with the hot old guy? So good.
He's smart and sweet and posed for Playgirl back when he was in college.
Hey, I know somebody who did that.
BOTH: What are you doing here? Hi, Max.
I rode a bull.
Wait, you posed for Playgirl? I was just trying to put myself through school.
Mm-hmm, that's what all the strippers say.
How do you all know each other? Oh, his strip club is right by our coffee shop.
Okay, come sit down, and let me tell you how I got all this blonde girl hair stuck in my bracelet.
So, uh, is this what you do on your weekends? You, you get your party on and hook up with much younger ladies and such? I couldn't sleep and I wanted pancakes.
Gotcha.
You know, my grandpa used to get up in the middle of the night for a snack, too.
You're really hung up on this getting older thing, aren't you? Age is just a number, Kat.
Or to put it in a more philosophical way, you're only as old as your pee stream.
Well, just so you know, Birdie said she's hanging out with a hot old guy.
She said I was hot? (LAUGHS) Hey, are you okay seeing Max with another woman? Uh, totally fine.
Okay, I'm just saying, because that other woman may be my cousin, but I will shut that down tight if you want me to.
Normally I would say blood is thicker than friendship, but Birdie did steal my prom date, and we still working through that.
I promise you it's okay.
We're just friends.
He has to live his life and I have to live mine.
Oh, my gosh, that's the guy I punched.
Really? Oh, he's cute.
- What are you thinking? - Well I'm thinking, as the young people might say, "YOLO," which is "you only live once.
" Don't want to have "FOMO," which is "fear of missing out.
" Let's not forgot Yo-Yo, a cellist of great renown.
Girl, get over there.
Well, hello.
No way.
Hi.
In case you're wondering, I'm not stalking you.
That's the first thing a stalker would say.
But I'm actually really glad you're here.
Also, you have dirt on your face.
Oh, um, yeah, I-I fell into a freshly dug grave.
Another thing a stalker would say.
She texts him at 4:00 a.
m.
and asks, "Are you in the mood for pancakes?" He's not, but now he can't go back to sleep, so he drives over, but when he walks in the door he realizes he's still in his slippers.
I kissed a guy tonight.
Wow.
Okay.
That's your reaction? "Okay"?! I said "Wow.
" Ugh, I didn't really kiss a guy.
Well, then, why did you say you did? Don't you know that when your girlfriend goes out without you, you're supposed to act all jealous and text her constantly throughout the night? How do you know I didn't track your every move through your phone? - Did you? - No.
Ugh! Randi, hold up.
I'm not sure what's happening.
I've done unhealthy relationships, and it sounds like you have, too.
But if you need me to be jealous or controlling to recreate some familiar feeling from your past, then it's not gonna happen.
Then, besides giving me control of the remote, how do I know you like me? (CHUCKLES) I drove here in my slippers.
And I think about you all the time when we're not together.
And I want you to move in with me, and I was trying to think of a cool way to ask you, but I wasn't sure if I was the flash mob type or not.
And flash mob was the cool or uncool way? Can I take that as a yes? Come here.
So I was thinking, you're about to turn 30.
I've already been 30.
Maybe we could go out sometime and I could give you some life spoiler alerts.
- Okay, let's do it.
- Really? Yay.
Okay.
That's great.
Boom! Wait, I don't have your number or know your name.
But I do still have (SINGS MINI FANFARE) My keys.
No way.
What a satisfying feeling to get something back you didn't even remember you lost.
Yeah, the last club I couldn't find you, and then I went all around the parking lot pressing the lock button hoping to hear a "whoop-whoop.
" And then I realized you probably took a car service home.
I took a car service, yeah.
Anyway, uh, let me get your number.
Yeah.
Let me give it to you.
Let me give it to you good.
Whoop-whoop! Aha! We did it.
We made it to sunrise.
You know what this is? Me picking up the invisible gauntlet.
Me holding it over my head and dancing around with it.
Fine, you both proved yourselves worthy of an all-nighter.
Oh, I love how everything just came together, like in a movie.
Oscar showed up at the diner.
Daniel showed up at the diner.
That tattoo truck pulled up just as we were leaving.
And we commemorated the night with our matching tattoos.
- Ankles aweigh! - Oh, those are so cute! I wish I would've got one.
Wha Phil, you did get one.
You just fell asleep in the chair.
PHIL: Well, where'd you come from, little kitty paw? (LAUGHING) You know, this makes us more than friends.
This makes us like a gang.
Like a badass kitty gang.
If you want to be a really badass kitty gang, we should keep it totally secret from everyone else and never talk about it again.
- That is really badass.
- (RANDI LAUGHS) The question is, how does a badass kitty gang stay awake during work? I feel like I'm gonna fall over.
I call dibs on first nap.
All right, I'll fire up the espresso machine.
Better yet, I'll get us some coffee beans to chew on.
And I'll just relive last night over and over in my mind.
- (CHUCKLES) - ("MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" PLAYING) Let's go, girls.