Call Me Kat (2021) s01e13 Episode Script


1 So yeah, I'm throwing a Cat-A-Versary party, because the café's been open a year, can you believe it? It's a fundraiser for the Humane Society.
There'll be cats in costumes and a photo booth and kettle corn.
Kettle corn? You should have led with that.
I'm in.
So, uh how's tall and grumpy doing? Oh, he's a pure delight around me, but when I mentioned you earlier, he clenched his fist so hard he broke the soda gun.
Well, I am undeterred.
Hey, Max, I-I'd love to see you at my Cat-A-Versary party.
Uh, Carter's gonna be there, my mom's coming.
She's auditioning for the musical Cats at the community theater, so she's been spending a lot of time at the café to research cat behavior.
Here's your coffee, Mother.
Look, I get that you're still upset with me for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend while on sleeping medication not prescribed to me, but Oh, men's room? Ha.
Still undeterred.
Definitely deterred.
- Wow, that looks amazing.
- Thanks.
- - I've been doing squats.
Katharine, please help me get this feline off my lap.
Oh, Mr.
Mousekers never falls asleep in someone's lap.
Well, he's been here quite a while, and now I have to use the ladies' room, and his weight is pressing on my bladder.
Please don't bring up his weight.
He just got his confidence back up.
Mousekers Uh-oh.
What's wrong? - Mommy? - Yes? I don't think Mr.
Mousekers is sleeping.
Oh Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the oven just crapped out.
I mean, honestly, can you think of anything worse to happen before our Cat-A-Versary party? Kat, he was old, but you gave him a great life.
Every time he would lay on your laptop, you would just stop working so he could sleep there.
And then you bought him his own computer so he could lay right by you.
Which I'd like to call dibs on.
Not the time.
I just have that same heavy feeling in my heart that I had when my dad died.
And, disturbing coincidence, they both died on top of my mother.
Well, just remind yourself it's a cat and not a person.
Yeah, I know it's a cat and not a person.
A cat that I loved very deeply.
The first cat I rescued.
The only cat who knew how to pee on a potty.
And do you know who taught him to do that? No one.
He learned just by observing human behavior.
He was that smart.
Okay, I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
I'm just I'm gonna go upstairs for a little bit.
Randi, I'm having Mr.
Mousekers cremated.
Can you pick up his ashes later today? There's nothing I'd rather do.
Well, there are some things, but once again, not the time.
And I'm gonna cancel the party.
I don't even care if I don't get my deposit back on that ice cat sculpture.
I didn't want to burst her bubble, but I'm the one who taught that cat to pee on the terlet.
Ooh, this is a nice surprise.
A hot chick and a gift? A hot chick, yes.
Gift, no.
These are Mr.
Mousekers' ashes.
The pet crematorium is only two blocks away, so I figured I'd stop by.
You didn't figure you should leave those in the car? No way! What if his cat ghost got out and started haunting my car, changing my radio presets to smooth jazz? Great, now I'm thinking about a dead cat more than I'm thinking about stuff that we're not supposed to talk about in front of our friends.
So you're complaining that I stopped by? Get in here with your dead cat.
I came up to bring you some dinner and to tell you I think you should go ahead with the party.
Oh, I can't.
I've suffered a great loss.
I'm also still really upset that Oscar felt the need to point out that animals are not people.
I mean, obviously, if my house was burning down, and I could only grab the baby or the cat, you know what I'd do.
- Grab the baby? - What baby, Phil?! The imaginary baby? No, I'd grab the real cats.
All of them.
Okay, I know you're in mourning, but where I come from, even a funeral is a big party to celebrate someone's life.
You know, connect with each other over memories of the one we lost.
In my family, we called them "fun-erals," - Fun-erals? - Yeah, we'd all get together, eat food, we'd sing hymns with the Crumpler Bluegrass Band.
Well, that's nice, Phil, but I just I don't think I'm there yet.
- Oh.
- Also, your relentless positivity is annoying me a little bit.
Well, roger that.
I'll check on you tomorrow.
Still open, Phil.
Hey Heard about Mr.
Remember when my dog Winston died back in college? We stayed up all night and told Winston stories.
I remember we polished off a bottle of bourbon, and I fell asleep with my legs sticking out of your doggy door because I was so hot.
Well, I'm here to return the favor.
- Oh.
- It's the good stuff.
Don't mention it to Carter.
I told him I dropped it.
And then he jumped up on the couch and dropped that little felt mouse in my lap.
And I was actually having a crappy day and I thought, "Thanks, dude, that helps.
" He did that to me once with a real mouse with its head chewed off.
I thought, well, it's the thought that counts.
Well, chewed mice aside, sometimes I think animals are better than people.
Or at least easier to get along with.
I wish a million times over that I hadn't contacted Brigitte.
She forwarded me the e-mail you sent her.
It was actually very complimentary.
Some of it was was in Old English.
You kept saying I was "a truepenny" and "straight-fingered.
" I was so out of it.
I even sent an e-mail to the government asking for jury duty.
Luckily it didn't go through 'cause I had just typed in, "To Government.
" Hey, at least now I know where Brigitte stands.
And it is kind of freeing.
That's exactly how I felt when you rejected me.
Free! Well, let me know if you ever need me to reject you again.
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever need you to do that again, but thanks for the offer.
You know I'm kidding, right? Of course I know you're kidding.
It's what we do.
We kid.
Wow, it is late.
I should-I should probably go.
Yeah, me, too.
- Uh, you live here.
- Yeah, that sounds about right.
All right, I just need to grab one part out of the truck - and you will be good to go.
- Will I? 'Cause you've been working on that oven for five hours.
I'm beginning to think you're the one missing a part, Ray.
Hey, ovens are like women.
You can't always get 'em to cook when you want 'em to.
I bet your wife loves crawling into bed with you after you make comments like that.
Joke's on you, I'm divorced.
Hey, Phil.
Oh, Ray, is the oven working? No, but Ray is working my nerves.
Don't listen to this little doughboy.
Thems are fighting words, Ray! No, these are fighting words.
I don't think your mama used enough yeast when she made you, 'cause you never finished rising.
Don't you talk about my mama's yeast! Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa! Gentlemen, we could all be dead in someone's lap tomorrow; let's not fight.
Ray, can you fix the oven by tomorrow? I can fix it before that as long as doughboy stays in his can.
- Hey, leave Phil alone.
- Yeah, leave Phil alone!! I have such a crush on him.
What? You were just fighting with him.
Yeah, fighting my feelings for him.
I don't know what is going on, Kat, but when he showed up to fix that oven, something deep inside of me said we were meant to be together.
I'm very interested, very invested, but can we table that for now? Sure.
I came in to tell you that the party is back on.
But I'm changing it to a fun-eral.
You were right.
Loss can connect people.
It got me and Max talking again.
I am so happy to hear that.
Maybe if I dust my banjo off, I can get you and Max to sing some of my favorite hymns at the fun-eral.
I would be honored.
All right, I'm gonna go to the craft store and get some supplies for a memorial board.
I might even pick up a new 3-D jigsaw puzzle 'cause I've been through a lot and I think I deserve it.
Randi, did you get Mr.
Mousekers' ashes? Yeah, I got 'em.
I got 'em.
Are you sure? 'Cause you said that like maybe you don't got 'em.
I said, yeah, I got 'em, and then I repeated "I got 'em" upstairs in my purse, 'cause that's where I got 'em at.
Okay, great.
Uh, Phil, get her up to speed on the fun-eral.
If it's a fun funeral, I'm up to speed.
Hey, I think I left my box of cat ashes at your house last night.
Yeah, you did, which explains why Mr.
Mousekers was a fortune-teller in my dream last night.
He told me I was good in bed.
What do you think? Tell me you brought that damn box.
Hang tight.
What? Don't be mad, the box is in the car.
Okay, so just go get it.
Here's where the mad part comes in.
When I say "the" car, I don't mean my car.
See, my car's in the shop, so I took a ride service to work, so it's in that car.
Ask me if you're good in bed again.
I don't want to.
I am doing my best with this tiny oven, but it's like trying to paint a barn with a Q-tip.
- Hey, is, uh, Kat home? - Hey, Oscar.
No, she's still out shopping for the fun-eral.
I came by to apologize for the thing I said earlier about cats not being people.
The florist was also pretty pissed when I told her the story, so apparently, I've really hit a nerve here.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, she's gonna be way more pissed when she finds out I'm responsible for Mr.
Mousekers' ashes being left in a car service and the driver's not texting me back.
Oh, that is way worse than my thing.
Thanks for taking the heat off.
Sounds like a 12-fingered angel is playing my banjo.
Huh, Tucks? I'll be damned, Ray.
You're like one of them idiots who can do one amazing thing.
This your banjo? Yeah.
But run your fingers up and down it all you want.
Excuse me? Oh, nothing.
Aren't those flowers Oscar brought you nice? Honestly, I've never been much of a "flowers as a gift" type of person.
It's just another thing to watch die.
Damn, you're kind of bitchy when your cat dies.
You know what doesn't die? That bourbon Max brought me.
What's your point? I'm just saying that it's interesting to compare the way Oscar handled this tragic event in my life to the way Max has handled it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot compare Oscar and Max like that.
Max is not your boyfriend, and by his own admission, never will be.
I know, but there was this moment when Max and I were talking last night that I thought maybe he was gonna kiss me.
You thought I was gonna kiss you last margarita night.
You leaned in.
Kat, grief makes people feel confusing things.
You have to calm yourself, close your eyes and focus on the guy you're getting naked with.
I can do that.
Uh, Wyatt, this is a memorial board for the pets who have left us too soon.
That's a human.
It's my grandma.
Her name was Lassie.
Here are the words to the hymn in case you get choked up and don't remember them.
Oh, I'm done being sad, Phil.
I mean, look how well this is going.
Everyone loves the memorial board.
Lot more iguanas than I thought there would be.
Must have been that cold snap.
Oh, no.
Oscar's gonna be late 'cause he has a work thing? I mean, who's gonna squeeze my hand before I recite my poem? You know, I'm still annoyed at him, but I'm not above using him for physical comfort.
Well, I can do it, but it ends with the hand squeeze.
- Hello, Katharine.
- Oh, Mother.
You scared me.
You look just like Mr.
He was my inspiration.
It was easy since I can't get his dead little face out of my head.
You know, I felt a bit traumatized, since he died right in my lap.
I felt like maybe he was tagging me.
"Hey, lady, you're next.
" It crossed my mind as well.
Then, while I was belting out "Memory" at my audition, I had another thought.
Maybe Mr.
Mousekers was looking for a-a special place to cross over.
Maybe he came to me for comfort.
He trusted me.
That's beautiful.
Yes, that's what they said at the audition.
They cast me on the spot.
Not the role I auditioned for it was too young but I still get to crawl around and interact with the audience before the show.
So, you're more of a dog person, huh? Yeah, I guess so.
You had a dog, you act like a dog.
Are you being funny or mean? What's happening? What's happening is you're showing up at my girl Kat's place with your booze and your hair and your big old teeth and confusing her, making her think you're gonna kiss her.
- Did she say that? - Randi.
I need to talk to you.
E-Excuse me.
Carter and I have never spoken privately, so this must be important.
Stay, dog.
The ashes are two hours away.
Says traffic's real bad on the highway.
Well, then text him back and tell him a real man would be driving on the grass.
It's all good.
I got us covered.
We'll tell Kat the ashes are in here.
That looks like it was painted by a child.
Well, C.
made it for me for Father's Day.
I even filled it with rice so the weight would be right.
This sounds like rice.
Well, you only thinking about rice 'cause I said it was rice.
Hey, Randi, I'm about to start the memorial.
I need Mr.
Mousekers' ashes.
Makes sense.
Uh, can I have them? Of course.
They said not to shake it, out of respect.
Uh, this is not the box that I ordered.
I ordered a-a pretty one made of walnut with a plaque and little paw prints.
Well, they said this was the temporary one, because the nice one takes a while.
Yeah, because there's a walnut wood shortage.
Makes you think, we really only have one Earth.
I'd like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate the furry friends we've loved and lost.
Oh, uh, quick announcement, I did extend the kettle corn guy for another 30 minutes.
Thank you, sir.
No need for pushing.
It's just sweet popcorn.
Um, I've written a poem to honor my cat Mr.
Mousekers, whose passing inspired this beautiful gathering.
"God, feed my cat smoked salmon up there "and take him on long drives, "and tell him just how great he was "in all of his nine lives.
"Make the days real bright for him "so he can lie out in the sun.
"Oh, and get a laser pointer.
"He thinks that's really fun.
"If you lose him, don't be frightened.
"He's probably in a drawer.
"Or sitting in a box somewhere.
"He thinks that's what they're for.
Love you, Lassie.
"I know you're awfully busy and have many pets to love, "but tell mine that I miss him and give him an extra hug.
" All right, now I'd like to invite some friends to join me up here and liven things up a little bit.
Some glad morning When this life is over I'll fly away To the home on God's celestial shore I'll fly away I'll fly away, oh Glory I'll fly away - In the morning - When I die Hallelujah, by and by I'll fly away When the shadows Can you believe she owns this place and has a cute young boyfriend? I didn't think those two things could coexist, but I'm happy to be proven wrong.
Put a cork in it, cat lady.
I'm trying to listen.
I'll fly away, oh Glory I'll fly away In the morning When I die Hallelujah, by and by I'll fly away.
Kat, guess what? I asked Ray to form a bluegrass band with me and he said yes.
Oh, so your feeling was right.
You were meant to be together.
Just, in a band, not in holy matrimony.
Yeah, but I can still live with hope in my heart.
I loved your poem.
I bet Mr.
Mousekers and Winston are probably smiling down on us right now.
Mousekers was never really one for smiling.
When he was happy, he'd-he'd look past you and rub his butt up against your arm.
I had an ex who did that.
- Julia.
- Sophomore year.
Kat, I-I, uh, feel like I need to tell you something.
Um, come here.
- Are you mad at me again? - No.
Is it 'cause I was pitchy during the singing? - Mm, no.
- Sometimes I get pitchy - 'cause I'm caught up in my spoons.
- No.
No, I just, I want to I just want to clear up something about the other night when I came over.
The reason Brigitte broke up with me in the first place is because she never felt like I was all in.
And she was right.
I always felt like something was missing.
And what was missing was a-a real friendship with her.
Like the one we have.
So if you felt like I wanted to kiss you the other night, it's because I did.
Did you know this and you never said anything? I like to keep things mysterious and suspenseful.
Look, I know this is bad timing, 'cause you're dating somebody, but if there's one thing I learned from you, is that it's better to make a bold move.
So, this is my bold move.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you were right.
- Your timing is, like, ugh.
- Way off, I know.
Um, yeah.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go, uh, splash some cold water on my face.
And I'm gonna go reapply my deodorant, like, uh, like, a lot of it.
Mousekers! Is this Is this rice? I can explain.
Y-You know how in the Bible, things turn into other things? I believe we have a miracle on our hands.
Randi, what is going on? Okay, see, after I picked up Mr.
Mousekers' ashes, I accidentally left them in a car service.
And by the time I contacted the driver, he was in Chicago, ironically, to comfort his mother, who had just lost her cat.
You can't make this stuff up.
And I didn't have time to drop everything and go to Chicago.
So where is Mr.
Mousekers now? He's right here.
You didn't have to work late? You went all the way to Chicago for Mr.
Mousekers? If something is important to you, it's important to me.
Do I smell kettle corn? I haven't eaten in, like, ten hours.
Go get some.
Katharine, this cat and I both dipped our paws into the shrimp cocktail at the same time.
I think I've found my soul mate.
Good for you, Mother.
That makes one of us.

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