Call Me Kat (2021) s01e12 Episode Script


1 Okay.
One, two, three.
(GRUNTING) That was a tie if I've ever seen one.
Not that I can see that far.
- I really shouldn't be driving.
- (CHUCKLES) Good job.
How 'bout that? My former crush, Max, and my boyfriend, Oscar, getting along like gangbusters.
Want to try my homemade salsa? You just poured it out of a jar.
Want to try my home-poured salsa? (CHUCKLING) Mm.
Speaking of salsa, do you want to go salsa dancing with me sometime? Um, yes! And be warned (CHUCKLES): I am a great salsa dancer! At sleepaway camp, I had to choose between salsa and archery, and I chose salsa, 'cause Hunger Games hadn't come out yet and we didn't know how cool archery could be.
Well, I am excited to go dancing with you.
I used to go with my ex-girlfriend all the time.
We had a lot of fun.
I hope that's not weird, to bring up my ex.
No! Of course not.
Everybody has a past.
I ain't scared of no ghost.
(CHUCKLES) What do you mean, "ghost"? She's not dead.
No, she's not.
I have no idea why I said that.
Oh, Katharine.
You found a real winner with this Oscar.
KAT: He and I are gonna go salsa dancing.
Do you remember when I did salsa at sleepaway camp? Polka.
No, it was salsa.
It was polka.
I remember the recital.
I had to buy you lederhosen.
That's right.
They chafed.
I'm about to do a thing where I keep bugging you until I get what I want.
So it's just a normal day then? I got a Groupon for a beginner salsa class, and I didn't realize I have to bring my own partner.
I thought "BYOP" meant "bring your own paella.
" Couple things.
Uh, that's something you should be doing with your boyfriend, and No, it's just the one thing.
Well, I can't ask Oscar.
I'm trying to get good at it before I go dancing with him.
You can't ask the person you're trying to impress to help you impress them.
- Max, please? - You'll be fine.
You're a good dancer.
Yeah, but I've never done salsa.
And he used to do it with his ex-girlfriend, so, in my mind, it's like she's challenged me to a dance battle, which I cannot lose.
I'm really sorry, Kat, but I'm already a good salsa dancer.
So taking a beginner class sounds muy boring.
- Wait, you salsa? - Mm-hmm.
I picked it up when I was living in Barcelona.
Brigitte and I would hit the salsa clubs all the time.
We were known as les meilleurs à la salsa.
Wh-What does that mean? It means our chemistry electrified the dance floor and people would stare, wishing they were us.
That little phrase means all that? Well, if you're so advanced, why don't you teach me then? You've been saying you want to do more tutoring.
Tutor away! Show me all your salsa moves mild, medium and extra spicy.
Come on, Max.
Just, like, two lessons.
Uh, I don't think so.
Oh, I get it.
Get what? - You don't know how to salsa.
- (SCOFFS) You lied about it to get out of going to the class and now you're just doubling down.
I know how to salsa.
Yeah, I-I don't think you do.
I mean, I've watched a lot of videos, and you can just tell when someone has that salsa de fuego.
Oh, I have the salsa de fuego, and it is muy caliente.
- At 8:00.
- Okay then.
Tonight at 8:00.
I'll believe it when I see it.
(CHUCKLES) Randi, honey, I'd be careful drinking that much caffeine.
That's how we induce labor if a sow's past her due date.
I didn't sleep at all last night.
I tried counting sheep, but then they all had Daniel's face, and I got so mad.
You want one of my mama's sleeping pills? She left some at my house.
I always wait till she's zonked-out on one before I cut her toenails or she might kick me.
See this tooth? Fake.
I'm willing to try anything at this point.
Okay, I'll bring some tomorrow.
But you be careful.
I took one on a flight to Lubbock.
I thought I went to the bathroom.
I actually peed in the middle of the aisle.
Had to spend the rest of the flight zip-tied to my tray table.
Hey, Randi.
Check it out.
I just got the cutest dress to go dancing with Oscar.
Ooh, that's hot.
But you know that thing's not gonna make you dance any better.
It's not like the suit from Iron Man.
Yes, I've got that covered.
Max is gonna teach me.
Uh, do you really think that's a good idea, considering that you've had a crush on Max - for the past two decades? - (SIGHS) I've given it a lot of thought, and here's why it's fine.
I'm completely falling for Oscar.
So, right now, every other man in the world is just a sexless "blech" in a baseball cap.
Oh, uh, not you.
Not him.
He's not a sexless "blech.
" - (MOUTHS) - (PHIL SHRIEKS) Oh, my Lord, child, it's a miracle.
- What, Phil? - What's a miracle? This bun looks exactly like the Holy Mother herself.
- Looks like Dolly Parton.
- Exactly! That's what I said.
Did you bake it like that on purpose? No! She just magically appeared.
The spitting image of Dolly from the October 1978 cover of Playboy.
I remember, 'cause that's the only time - I bought that filthy magazine.
- (KAT CHUCKLES) (SALSA MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY) Now, I want you to imagine a string coming out of the top of your head, like a puppet.
Ooh, I like marionettes.
I still have my favorite, Lady Juniper, upstairs.
- Kat, I don't care.
- Okay.
Now (INHALES) think about the string and look at me.
(LAUGHS) - What? - I'm sorry.
I'm just having a laugh.
'Cause, like, I'm looking at you but, like, we're staring Kat, be serious.
With salsa, eye contact is the way - to connect with your partner.
- Okay.
- (INHALES) - Huh? - I'm gonna be looking at you - Mm-hmm.
but I'm gonna be thinking about cats.
- Don't think about cats.
- Oh, it's already happening.
- Listen to the music.
- Okay.
- There you go.
You're getting it.
- Oh, look at me.
Making my salsa.
Chopping my onions.
Adding my lime juice.
(GIGGLING) What did I say about jokes? Not to make them.
And what did I say about eye contact? To have it.
Now keep the hips moving in time.
Feel the rhythm and let my body tell your body where it should go.
("SWIFT CUBANO" BY JUAN ZAVALA AND EDDIE GREY PLAYING) Remember when I didn't think Max teaching me would be a problem? I'm starting to see the problem.
Problem solved.
(PANTS) Where'd that come from? From me.
Feeling the rhythm, telling my body where it should go.
- (CHUCKLES) - (GRUNTS) Randi, it's 1:00 in the morning.
What are you doing out here? (CHUCKLES) I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd go for a run.
Sounds like you got ex-somnia.
Don't you mean "insomnia"? If you're thinking about your ex, it's ex-somnia.
Yeah, well, then that's what I got.
You know, I've been trying online blackjack for my ex-somnia.
Getting my drink on helps a little bit, too.
You might be right.
I think I'm gonna go check out this cute little bar that's still open down the street.
- Jog your ass in here.
- (CHUCKLES) Mother, did you get my message about Phil's Dolly bun? Why do you think I'm here? Oh, Phil, my pageant friend Jeannie is Dolly's new publicist, so I shared the picture with her on Insta, and she showed it to Dolly.
Oh, Sheila.
If you are pulling my leg, I'll cut yours off and slap you across the face with it.
I am not kidding! And she said Dolly's performing tonight at the Opry and if we can get down to Nashville, she'll take a picture with us and the bun after the show.
Meeting Dolly's on my whistle list.
I worship the ground she walks on.
(SQUEALING) Oh, Kat! Please, can I leave? Of course.
You can't pass up an opportunity like that.
And don't forget to tell Dolly Parton about Dolly Purr-ton.
PHIL: Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you! - Hey.
- Hey.
I'm, uh, literally sore.
Like I worked out last night.
- Like I did leg day.
- (CHUCKLES) Can you stop smiling at me like that? You're making me feel exposed.
I'll try.
- Nope, not possible.
- (LAUGHS) Uh, and I have class tonight, so I won't see you.
But I will be thinking of you and thinking of last night.
Well, I can't stop you from thinking, so think away.
Can I run a moral quandary by you? You know how I had that salsa lesson with Max last night? - Uh-huh.
- Well, afterward, I had a particularly sensual, consensual evening with Oscar.
Kat, we're roomies.
I heard everything.
It sounded like y'all was installing hardwood floors in there.
Not embarrassed by that at all.
Well, I-I'm feeling a little guilty because I think I may have transferred some of the spiciness of salsa with Max to Oscar.
It was just really Wh-What was that for? I told you you were playing with fire.
I had to put you out.
Okay, but I-I don't want to be with Max.
I want to be with Oscar.
The problem is you didn't tell Oscar that you were dancing with Max.
- (SIGHS) - Or getting heated up by Max.
And unless you're planning a surprise party, you should hide nothing from your partner.
Okay, but what Nothing.
Hey, teach.
Great dance lesson last night.
Thank you, thank you.
Great learning last night.
(CHUCKLES) - I actually have to cancel - I have to cancel tonight.
- Why can't you make (LAUGHS) - Why can't you make (LAUGHS) You go first.
Well, honestly it felt a little bit like I was cheating on Oscar.
Like, 'cause I was dancing with another guy.
- Even though it's you.
- Yeah, no, that makes sense.
I felt a little weird, too.
- Especially 'cause it's salsa.
- (EXHALES) Exactly.
Like, if it were polka, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, you know? Polka's a lot more oom-pah-pah, a lot less "ooh, papi.
" (CHUCKLES) You know what would be great? - Hmm? - Is if you had a girlfriend and the four of us could all go dancing together.
You know? Get on that.
Get yourself a girlfriend.
Well, I'm working on it.
Oh, really? With who? With Brigitte.
I'm actually making a little progress on that front.
That's great.
Yeah, in fact, I'm thinking about surprising her in Paris this summer.
Like (INHALES) Like, a big, grand gesture.
Probably something on the Eiffel Tower.
Wow, that sounds so romantic.
That way, if she rejects me, you know, I can just boop.
You're gonna push her off? I'm just saying, it gets windy up there.
(LAUGHS) Your friend says that when we get to the Opry, we give the password to the security guard.
"Hard Candy Christmas.
" Then we can pull right up to her tour bus! (CHUCKLES) (BOTH SQUEAL) - (CHUCKLES) - You know, I never told Katharine, but I had a bit of the baby blues after I had her.
So I would play Dolly's "I Will Always Love You" on a loop to remind me how I was supposed to feel about my baby.
And eventually, I did.
The song that got to me was "Coat of Many Colors.
" If I ever opened a bakery, I was gonna call it Coat of Many Crullers.
Guess what our hours were gonna be.
9:00 to 5:00? Bingo.
Looks like we're hitting a bit of traffic.
Oh, it's probably just a bend in the road.
Nothing to worry about.
Still not gonna worry.
(SIGHS) I have been watching salsa videos for the past three hours.
It started with instructional videos, but then it turned into salsa fails.
I watched a guy try and salsa with a kangaroo.
The kangaroo was not having it.
Grabbed that guy by the collar, kicked him right in the nuts.
Ooh, that sounds horrible.
Can you send me that video? Yeah, no problem.
Every time I close my eyes, I see salsa fails.
I don't know how I'm gonna get to sleep.
Oscar's working.
I don't know why I'm looking in the fridge.
Hey, do you want to watch a movie with the sound off and make the people say whatever we want? Uh, no, I'm okay.
I'm gonna go for a run.
They've been helping me relax.
I don't like you running at night.
You know, I have a holiday sweater that has real lights on it that you could wear.
Oh, but then you'd be running in an itchy sweater.
Never mind.
Have fun.
(CHUCKLES): Don't worry, I'm not going that far.
And if you're having problems getting to sleep, why don't you take one of Phil's mama's sleeping pills.
- Oh.
All right.
- All right.
- Have a good time.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Have a good night.
- Be safe.
"Take as needed"? Hmm.
(SNORING) BRIGITTE: Wake up, cheater.
Brigitte? What are you doing here? I am very mad at you.
You have been dancing with my boyfriend.
I told him I am not dancing with him anymore.
Oh! I even told him that I wished that you were here so we could all hang out together.
That is very generous.
I like you on sleeping pills.
(CHUCKLES) I don't think they're working.
I'm not even tired.
You know, I found your therapy website.
I see your name.
I see your e-mail address.
But I don't see any pictures of you 'cause Max said you have so many stalkers.
I even tried to post a weird one of me mid-sneeze.
- But no.
The stalking continued.
- Mm.
I see a picture, oh, of a happy couple staring at a waterfall.
You know (SMACKS LIPS) That makes me thirsty.
That makes me want root beer.
Do you want some root beer? I got a guy.
I would love root beer if it tastes like wine.
You know what? I'll just get you some wine.
Then you are picking up what I am putting down.
Oh, your friend says that Dolly is halfway through her set.
If things pick up, we could still make it.
- I'm starving, Phil.
- Me, too.
I have an antacid that I was not gonna tell you about.
But I will split it with you.
You know, if we're stuck here much longer, we could Do not even think about it, Sheila.
I'll slice you like a Honey Baked Ham.
You just lost your half.
Okay, so, you have to split those eights.
- Okay.
- Okay, now hit here.
Now hit this one.
- Ooh, that's what I'm talking about.
- (CHUCKLES) Told you.
My grandpa taught me how to play blackjack.
It's how I put myself through grade school.
(CHUCKLES) I kept trying to get Daniel to go down to the riverboat with me, but he kept saying, "Gambling is a frivolous waste of money.
" You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that he had a big old stick up his butt.
You need to be with somebody easygoing and knows how to have fun like you do.
Randi doesn't need to be with anybody but Randi right now.
I get that.
And Carter is only dating Carter for a while.
(CHUCKLES): And why is that? 'Cause CJ can't stand his mom's new boyfriend.
And listening to him complain about that dude is the best part of my weekend.
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
I can't get a girlfriend and give Stephanie that same satisfaction.
You know, I just need to start having some fun where feelings don't ruin it.
Like a friends with benefits type situation? Well, I don't know if that ever really works out for anybody.
It's the kind of thing you dream about, though.
(BANGING AT DOOR) Uh-oh, busted.
Hey, Kat.
What's going on? RANDI: Hey.
Uh, are you okay, Kat? Everybody dance now.
Uh Kat.
You don't even see me.
Root beer is the best beer.
She must have taken one of Phil's mama's sleeping pills, and she's having a reaction.
You mean tripping her balls off.
I'm gonna make sure she gets home okay.
I just got Kat-blocked.
I brought you some coffee.
What happened in here? Uh, you did.
You were sleepwalking last night.
After my run, I found you trying to get into the Middle C.
I was sleepwalking? Yeah, you were.
And then, when I brought you back, you insisted that we bring all the cats upstairs because they had never seen your room and you wanted to sleep under a cat blanket.
Uh, it must have been the sleeping pills, 'cause I don't remember any of that.
Any of it? Like, like, none of it? I vaguely remember braiding Brigitte's hair, but that's it.
Wait, Max's ex-girlfriend, Brigitte? Never mind.
Hey, Mr.
Mousekers, this is my hand-carved bed.
It's been passed down for generations.
And you remember Randi.
(YAWNING): From downstairs.
I can't believe we missed her.
I can't believe we urinated in front of each other.
I'm still hungry, Phil.
Me, too.
I'm so delirious, I thought I saw Dolly in the mirror a minute ago.
Maybe she was sending us a sign.
She'd want us to eat her.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- She's inside of us now.
- Mm-hmm.
She's nourishing us like she nourished us our entire lives.
It'll remind us to be more like Dolly.
To be kinder.
To be more generous.
It's Jeannie.
Oh, she says Dolly's decided to do a second night at the Opry.
Mm, so we can take our time getting there.
Spit it out.
- Hmm? - Spit it out right now, or I'll reach in there and I'll pull it out.
(SQUEALS): What? I'm gonna put her back together.
- Mm.
- I will use your saliva as the glue.
- Mm-mm.
(MUTTERS) - Spit it out, Sheila.
So, you going for a run tonight? I haven't decided.
So, I shouldn't read too much into the fact that you drew a heart in my foam? (CHUCKLES) It just does that when you pull the milk away.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
You look good.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- RANDI: Ooh! Kat, you look incredible, - whether you can salsa or not.
- KAT (CHUCKLES): Thanks.
I'm actually feeling really positive about my salsa dancing abilities.
The lesson with Max, all those videos that I watched, it really sunk into my brain.
Like, I woke up this morning able to do moves I couldn't even do yesterday.
Like this.
- RANDI: Ooh.
- (CHUCKLES) Ooh, and, uh, and this.
Whoo! (CHUCKLES) - Oh, hey, Max.
- What the hell did you do? Oh, I just dipped a cat.
(CHUCKLES) Brigitte called me and said some American woman wrote her a long e-mail about how I'm a mess without her and I'm gonna go declare my love for her on the Eiffel Tower, and if she rejects me, I'm gonna push her off.
A-And you think I did that? I didn't do that.
Really? Because the letter was signed, "Have a meow-tastic day, Kat Silver.
" Well, that does very specifically narrow down the suspects, but how would I Oh.
I took sleeping pills last night.
Girl, check your e-mail sent folder.
- Oh.
- (SIGHS) Oh, my gosh.
Max, I am so sorry.
Just tell her I was on drugs.
It didn't mean anything.
Well, I-I would, except she told me never to contact her again.
Well, do you want me to e-mail her? Are you out of your mind? I want you to stay out of my business, Kat.
And you know what really pisses me off? I tried to help you with your relationship, and you blew mine up.
- I'm so sorry, Kat.
- (DOOR CLOSES) I can't believe I did that.
Well, it's not your fault.
Honestly, it's Phil's.
He's the one that gave us those damn pills that made him whip his wiener out on a plane and pee in the aisle.
What? You didn't tell me that happened.
Well, I just thought he had an overreaction because he's itty-bitty.
I feel horrible.
I've never seen Max that upset.
What am I supposed to do? Hey, hey.
Are you ready to get our salsa on? I just need un momento.
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