Call Me Kat (2021) s02e12 Episode Script

Call Me a McCluckhead

1 - All right, one more from us.
- Oh.
Oh, wow, Max, look.
Another plant.
Yeah, I might've gotten a little carried away at the nursery.
Nurseries, plural, and a few unattended gardens.
Okay, let me introduce you to the gang.
Um, that's Leaf Garrett, Alexander Hamil-stem and Jane Fern-da.
And that's Venus and Serena Flytrap.
And the fact that neither of them are flytraps does not bother me one bit.
- It bothers her a lot.
- It really does.
Well, thank you, both.
I brought muffins, but I didn't name 'em.
Makes 'em too hard to eat.
I still regret what I did to Gerald.
Katharine, come help me open the wine I brought.
Isn't it a screw top? Yes, and you have those big, grippy hands.
Didn't see your housewarming gift.
Was the six hours of helping you move not enough? You ate our pizza, drank our beer and then suddenly had a "back spasm.
" Okay, yeah, I'll swing by later with a candle.
Oh, and nothing patchouli.
I do not want it smelling like somebody named "Moonbeam" lives here.
Oh, and if we're making requests, I prefer a reed diffuser.
Katharine, is there any chance you and Oscar can pull yourselves away from your puzzle Friday night? Uh, don't just assume that's what we're doing on a Friday night.
I'm sorry.
Uh, what were you going to do? A puzzle.
But it's a 2,000-piecer, - so it really kicks the night into high gear.
- Oh.
I'm sure it does, sweetie.
I met a man at the supermarket, and he asked me out.
What? Wow.
"Pickup on aisle three.
" - Stop it.
- No.
I'm really proud of you for getting back out there, but what does this have to do with me? I was hoping you and Oscar could join us.
Like a double date.
Why do you want me to come on a first date with you? I met him at the supermarket.
I don't know anything about him.
He could be a homicidal maniac or really into jazz.
Fine, we'll come.
Ah, wonderful.
Please send photos of what you're planning to wear by Thursday noon, so I have time to give notes.
And there she was, this beautiful redhead picking up every single apple in the produce aisle.
And what'd you end up buying? A pineapple.
I asked her out right then and there.
I like a woman who keeps me on my toes.
Fun fact, uh, did you know that the pineapple is a symbol of hospitality? Which is why there are carved representations of them in many hotels.
That is a fun fact.
No one ever thinks my facts are fun.
I like him.
So, what do you do, Charles? I own a chain of local fast food restaurants called Sergeant McCluck's.
I love Sergeant McCluck's.
But why is the Chicky-Chick Sauce seasonal? I think we can all agree that every season is sauce season.
Um, Oscar, I don't think Charles wants to spend the whole evening talking about work.
Although I would appreciate it if you could expand the vegetarian menu.
A large bowl of coleslaw does not a salad make.
- That's enough, you two.
- It's fine.
It's always nice to meet a McCluckhead.
Cluck, cluck.
You know, we're thinking about expanding to New York.
Oh, I love New York.
I lived there one summer.
It was just me, my cousin and a young Annie Leibovitz.
Isn't that something? It's something, all right.
A lie.
Where did you meet Annie Leibovitz? I met her during a women's rights protest.
For or against? For, of course.
We burned our bras together.
You are just amazing.
I bet your bra burned brightest of them all.
I'm not gonna lie, Charles, it did.
What is happening? I'm on it.
Hey, Chuck, now that we're friends, will you tell me the secret ingredient in the Chicky-Chick Sauce? No can do.
Is it grilled onions? Wink twice if it's grilled onions.
Isn't this nice? And now we don't have to watch movies on your tiny-ass screen.
I told you, if you sit closer, it feels bigger.
- Yeah, you tell me that a lot.
- Hey Easy with that.
People might not know you joking.
Why is this in the couch? Oh, that's Max's back-scratching spoon.
- Oh, cool.
- Oh, and sometimes butt.
Dude! Yeah, your boy has no respect for common areas.
Like, why does he have to keep every cabinet and drawer open? Does he think the dishes need to breathe? Is the silverware afraid of the dark? Listen, okay, Max is my buddy.
I don't want And don't even get me started on his phone voice.
Yeah, I want light sauce on one half, heavy sauce on the other half.
Heavy cheese on the light half and light cheese - on the heavy half.
- Uh, Max? I'm trying to get some work done.
Can you keep it down? Oh, yeah, sure.
No, no, no, no, no! Okay, let me start over.
I want light sauce on one half At this point, I think the whole complex knows his pia order, his credit card number and that his mom thinks her coworker Sharon is sleeping with the boss.
To be fair, that part's interesting.
I'll give you that.
Max cannot modulate his voice sometimes.
- I mean, have you heard him try to whisper? - No.
That's 'cause he can't.
Aww, thank you, it's so nice to know that you have my back.
What in the hell is that? Oh, did I forget to mention the bagpipes? Come on, let's go watch the movie on my laptop in my bathroom.
If we put a towel at the bottom of the door, it'll muffle the high notes.
Good God! - Hey, Carter.
- Can you come out here? We need to talk.
And can you shut up the bagpipes? It's like a thousand dying goats.
I got another kid's birthday gig.
Have you ever seen the movie Brave? No.
Me, neither, but apparently, the princess in it is Scottish.
I lied and said I could play the bagpipes.
I thought, "I'm musical, how hard could it be?" Turns out, very.
That explains the kilt.
No, actually, it doesn't.
Oh, I'm just getting into character.
And I like to let my wee lads breathe.
Can you keep it down, 'cause you are driving Randi nuts.
Oh, I'm driving her nuts? Welcome back to Murder, Murder, Murder.
Last we left off, the killer was disemboweling the young housewife with dull kitchen shears.
She pulled out her victim's slippery, stringy intestines and methodically piled them on the floor, placing her no-longer beating heart on top.
Oh, yeah.
This gonna be a good one.
Plus, she eats all my junk food.
How am I supposed to eat my feelings with Randi's kale chips? All right, man, look, I don't want to get in the middle of And she leaves her painty-brush water in coffee cups all over the place.
I accidentally drank it.
It really didn't taste good.
Why wouldn't you look inside the cup before you drink it? 'Cause it was my mug.
It said "World's Greatest Bartender.
" Is Randi the world's greatest bartender? Are you? This is on Randi, not me.
Okay, look, I will admit, I mean, Randi's true crime podcasts make me nervous.
I mean, at one point, I swear she was taking notes.
She's the problem, not me.
Randi will hear you.
It's fine, I'm whispering.
You're not.
This has been great.
You know, not many daughters would go with their mother on a first date.
Y'all must be close.
She's the Ethel to my Lucy.
Well, if anyone's Lucy, it's me.
- I'm the redhead.
- Ow, okay.
If you'll excuse me, nature calls.
Actually, she called 20 minutes ago, but I've been having so much fun, I put her on hold.
I'll go with you.
I have a few questions about your mascot.
Why does Sergeant McCluck wear an eyepatch? Was he wounded in the war? - If so, which war? - Uh I was nervous, but he seems nice, right? Yeah, and-and he seems to really like you, so I don't know why you feel the need to lie to impress him.
What are you talking about? Well, all those stories from before, like, New York, A-Annie Leibovitz? All those things are true.
You tried out to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader? Yes.
Just because you don't have hand-eye coordination doesn't mean I don't.
How has none of this ever come up before? Well, we usually talk about you.
Which is fine.
It comes with the territory of being a mom.
Sergeant McCluck doesn't actually need an eyepatch.
He just wears one to look cool.
I know.
I'm disappointed, too.
How was the double date with your mom? Oh, uh, the guy was very charming.
Oscar is obsessed with his sauce.
I will never say that out loud again.
And apparently, my mother has lived a whole secret life.
Ooh, was she a spy? She has the cold indifference of a spy.
She does speak a little Russian.
And she can knock back a handle of vodka faster than a college student.
Who knows.
You could be right.
Turns out I know very little about her.
I had no idea she lived in New York.
Yeah, that's when she studied with Bob Fosse.
- What? - You know: "Hoom, hoom, jazz.
" I didn't even know she was a dancer.
Oh, she stopped after she broke her ankle at Woodstock.
What She was at Woodstock? Yeah, she hitchhiked there.
800 miles in a horse trailer.
How do you guys know all of this? I have a standing coffee date with her.
She comes in for a drink sometimes.
We chat.
I always ask my elders questions about their lives.
They're our living history.
What else don't I know? Is she Banksy? Was she on the grassy knoll? No, but she did spend a weekend at the Kennedy Compound.
She said nothing wild happened, but come on, it's the Kennedys.
Do you know this kind of stuff about your mom? Oh, yeah, everything.
I mean, since it's just the two of us, we're really close.
Like, she's my mom, but we're also friends.
You know? Like the Gilmore Girls.
Seriously, man, I never understand you.
I know too much about my mama.
That's what happens when you have to sponge-bathe them.
You know, there are so many things I wish I'd known about my dad before he died.
Now I feel like I'm making the same mistake with the parent who's still living.
So ask her about herself.
She'll love that.
Don't call her an elder to her face.
Well, that I know.
Can you not shut a cabinet? Maybe I was doing inventory because someone keeps stealing my cereal.
Now what am I supposed to do with this bowl of milk? Well, that's on you.
What kind of a psychopath pours the milk first? Phil, we got to figure this out.
I can't wait another six months for that sauce, I got a hankering I can't shake.
Does this one taste Cluck-tastic? Closer, but we're missing the tanginess.
I love when you say "we" when I'm the one doing most of the ding-dang work.
Sorry, I get ugly when I'm trying to solve a mystery.
I almost stabbed Kat during a game of Clue.
Hey, is this dress too much for dinner with my mom? How fancy is the restaurant? Oh, it's the same place we went with Charles.
I guess they carded her, and in her words, "I'd like to go back for more of that.
" It's perfect.
You look beautiful.
I'm kind of nervous.
You know, it's kind of like a blind date.
I hope I like this Sheila.
Oh, you're gonna love her.
She's a hoot.
It's kind of exciting.
It's like starting a whole new chapter of our relationship.
Ooh, don't say "relationship" on a first date, you'll scare her off.
And be a gentleman.
Pull her chair out.
Ooh, and bring mints in case things go well and you get to smooching.
Okay, this bit's gone far enough.
I felt that.
It was pickles.
Phil, we cock-a-doodle-did it! Ah, there's that ding-dang "we" again.
Mmm, mmm, it's so good.
Oh, you want some bagpipes with that? Carter, Carter, come in here and settle this.
Ugh, so close.
How's everyone doing? - She keeps eating all my junk food - He won't stop with the bagpipes - and putting the boxes away empty.
- and he's been loud-talking - Who does that? - all over my apartment.
Sounds like you both have some valid concerns.
And Carter agrees with me.
He says that you talk too loud and you suck at the bagpipes.
Okay, yeah, that's not exactly what I Well, he told me that your podcasts are dumb and you might be a murderer.
Okay That was taken out of context.
Well, what the hell was the context? Oh, hold on I refuse to get in trouble for this.
You keep putting me in the middle.
How am I supposed to choose between my girlfriend and my best friend? You're both annoying.
And I'm not coming back here until you two work this out.
It's a lost cause, Carter.
Yeah, I'm never gonna get along with Kilty McLoudass.
Actually, you just gave me an idea.
Now, this is the Get Along shirt.
Stephanie and I used it in couples therapy and because of it, our marriage lasted two years longer than it should have.
Now, you two are gonna wear it until you figure out how to get along.
We'll just take it off the moment he walks out the door.
Yeah, you do that, and neither of you are getting any.
Sex for you and a paycheck for you.
How did he hear me? I was whispering.
No, you were not.
Okay, so your favorite movie is The Maltese Falcon, noted.
What's your favorite novel? Lord of the Flies.
It reminds me of my time on the pageant circuit.
Interesting, I'll reread it with that in mind.
Uh, what about fears? What's your biggest fear? I don't know.
Spiders and the middle seat on an airplane.
Okay, here's a big one: What's one thing you would change about your life - if you could? - Agreeing to this dinner.
I feel like you've spent the whole time interrogating me.
I'm not interrogating you.
I'm just asking very pointed questions to get information that you've never disclosed to me before.
Well, I'm exhausted, and we're only on the first course.
Where is this coming from? I'm worried you could die tomorrow and I'll never know your natural hair color.
That one I'm taking to the grave.
Which apparently is coming sooner than I thought.
I'm sorry.
This is all coming out wrong.
I'm trying to get to know you.
I thought this would be fun.
Mm, yes, because being reminded of my own mortality always puts me in a festive mood.
Come on, everybody else knows your history but me.
I mean, were you the fifth Beatle? Are you a spy? Some people think you might be a spy.
Oh, honey, now you're being ridiculous.
Fine, I just, I won't ask any more questions.
Don't slurp, Katharine.
I-I'm just enjoying my soup, Mother.
Does the whole restaurant need to know that? This is why we'll never be the Gilmore Girls.
You'd rather criticize who I am than talk to me.
Good Lord, you act like slurping soup is an inherent part of your personality.
Maybe it is.
Hi, I'm Tom, I'll be taking over for Sarah.
How's everything so far? Great, Tom.
Could I please get a gin martini? Of course.
Uh, did you need to see my ID? No.
I liked Sarah better.
Do you think he's gone? Maybe he's standing outside the door.
Ow! I'll do it.
I just got to get my eye to the hole.
Don't mansplain peepholes to me.
He's gone.
All right, I'm taking this off.
What-what, and messing up my hair? - Absolutely not.
We are cutting this off.
- Okay.
Wait, w Where are you going? - To get the scissors.
- No, but they're in the kitchen.
No, they're in the couch.
- Wait, why? - I was trimming.
What-what were you Oh, never mind, I don't even want to know.
Goodness, get it Who does Carter think he is, putting us on a time-out? I know, right? Like he's so great.
Maybe he should look in the mirror.
Which he does all the time.
And it's not just mirrors, it's any reflective surface.
Glass, spoon, puddle of water, puddle of beer.
He's really into puddles.
Hey, you ever notice that when Carter drinks soda water, that he swishes it around in his mouth before he swallows it? Yes.
I've asked him about that, and he said it's to get the bubbles out.
Then why not just drink regular water? Look, I've only ever lived with women who were charmed by me.
My mom thought my quirks were cute, and Brigitte would forgive them if we showered together.
You know, this is all new to me.
It's not just on you.
I really wanted to live alone, so, I think even if you were perfect, I'd still find stuff to complain about.
Well, that explains why you were being so harsh - about my bagpipes.
- Oh, no, no, no.
That was a perfectly appropriate reaction.
I guess this is gonna be a bigger adjustment than we both thought.
I'm willing to meet you halfway.
Me too.
You know what? I promise, from now on, I will leave you half of your cookies.
- And I will close half of your cabinets.
- Deal.
- Should we toast to it? - Yeah, I'll grab some beers.
Oh, I got it.
Wh Why did you You know what? Who cares.
You got some chips in here? Hey, why are you slowing down? You usually take stop signs as a suggestion.
I want to show you something.
You see that house? That's where my high school boyfriend lived.
I used to sneak out, scale that tree and climb in that window just to see him.
Bet Grandma didn't like that.
Yeah, most of the time she didn't even realize I was gone.
Really? I used to do anything to try to get her to notice me.
Even winning all those pageants didn't get her attention.
Is that why you got into them? At first.
But I kept at it 'cause I look damn good in a tiara.
You really do.
You definitely upstaged me at my bat mitzvah.
Thank you.
Look, the point is, my mom knew nothing about me.
That's why I was happy to sit back and listen to my daughter, and not talk about myself.
Well, you definitely paid attention to me.
Some might say hawk-like attention.
I might have overcorrected.
Little bit.
Being a mother is hard.
You'll see when you have your own child.
Which you should really get a move on, Katharine.
Modern medicine has its limits.
Why don't we get dinner once a month? Just us.
I'd love that.
Me too.
That's where my best friend, Donna Simpson, lived.
Oh, she was such a bitch.
Hey, now, this is what I like to see.
Yep, your Get Along shirt worked.
And I'm sorry we put you in the middle.
That was not cool.
Oh, it's okay, I'm just happy I helped you two bond.
Sure did.
Doesn't it taste exactly the same as Sergeant McCluck's? Some would say even better.
It does taste exactly the same.
Hey, ooh.
You've been served.
A cease and desist letter? Dang, I knew we shouldn't have bragged about our copycat recipe online.
And I thought TikTok was a safe space.
This is me at Woodstock.
Oh, I forgot how good I look in bell-bottoms.
You're not wearing a shirt.
Sweetheart, with boobs like that, why would I? What what is this? The remains of my wedding dress.
What happened to it? Your father ripped it off me before the rice hit the ground.
Okay, little TMI.
Well, what do you expect? We waited till marriage, so he was like a wild animal Okay, no more Sheila, go back to Mom, go back to Mom.
I don't want to know this ending Doesn't matter anyway I can get a little bit crazy I can be a little too hot Time to bust out, baby Even if we go too far I'm moving on And on and on and on and on and on and on - Let's go - On, on, on and on and on and on.

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