Call Me Kat (2021) s02e13 Episode Script

Call Me a Kingbirdie

1 - This girl can sing, right? - She's amazing.
CJ loves Pippa G.
He says she's gonna be big.
I am so proud of you.
Max Kingbird writing a song for an Insta-Toky singer who I'm obsessed with.
Ever since I told you who she was five minutes ago.
You never let me seem cool.
Sorry, I'll look into that.
What'd I tell you? If you keep doing open mics here, it'll pay off.
A lot of talent's been discovered on that stage.
Actually, I met her mom at the gym and I slipped a demo in her bag.
I'm-a still take credit.
You tell Pippa I discovered you.
You're the Justin Bieber to my Usher.
Okay, this is not a done deal.
We're just meeting to see if we connect.
And it's not going to help if you all are hovering.
But we're your posse.
Like Taylor Swift has her "Swifties," and we're your "Kingbirdies.
" Would it help if when she gets here we fangirl out over you? Like, I do a very convincing swoon.
Uh, excuse me, I don't fangirl out over anyone, but I guess I can try to make you seem interesting.
More interesting.
Say he slept with someone famous.
But keep it believable.
Remember, he's a nine, not a ten.
Hey, I'm a Midwestern 12.
Okay? And I would prefer it if the "Kingbirdies" were not here when Pippa arriv - Oh, it's too late.
- Oh.
Hey, everyone! Which one of you is Max? That's me.
Ah, it's nice to meet y - Here, put this by your face and smile.
- Oh.
Oh, don't worry about your face, I can fix it.
Well, I wasn't worried before, but now, I kind of am.
Um, hi, Pippa.
I'm Kat.
So, is this a new thing, taking pictures with beverages? Like, is it the new planking? Is it called "dranking"? I like you.
You've got funny mom energy.
Energy drink.
Never heard of "Ack.
" Oh, no, no, no.
It's "Ack!" You need energy just to pronounce it.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I'm really excited to be working with you.
Yeah, Max is amazing.
We collaborated back in college.
We were doing mash-ups before Glee.
I know.
Oh, uh, wouldn't drink that.
Hasn't been tested on humans yet.
" We got some bad news.
Renaldo quit the bowling team.
He broke up with his husband and he's moving to Mykonos.
That's weird.
I joined after Sebastian broke up with his husband and moved to Mykonos.
That's a crazy coincidence.
Oh, here's an idea.
How about Kat joins the "Gutter Queens"? Oh, I-I don't think you guys would want me.
Katharine is terrible at bowling.
Damn, Sheila.
Way to just say it.
No, she's right.
Go on.
Tell them what happened the first time I tried.
She got her head stuck in the ball return.
We had to call the fire department.
That was really exciting.
And in all the confusion, I got to keep the shoes.
There's a warning label on all ball returns now because of her.
You must be so proud.
Oh, honey, none of the Gutter Queens are good bowlers.
Except me, I'm kind of the ringer.
You can call me "King of the Queens.
" He is right.
We were in last place until he took us all the way up to almost last place.
The point is, we just play for fun, and who's more fun than my girl? - So, are you in? - As long as it's just for fun.
And the good news is: my head's too big now to fit in the ball return.
Keep an eye on her, she'll find a way.
So, that song I sent you is really just something to work off of.
I'm completely open to any ideas Yeah, I didn't listen to it yet, but my mom says you're great.
Well, you have a lovely mom.
So, it goes something like this.
- Hey, can we take a selfie? - Oh, okay.
I need people over 28 so my fans know I'm not ageist.
Happy to be your token 30-year-old.
Is that what we're going with? Pippa? Pippa? Pippa, let's get to work while I'm still in my 30s That's cute.
And a big-ass lie.
So, obviously, we'll change the key.
And I'd love to mess around with the bridge a little bit.
What used to be The best of me Now makes a bloody mess of me I have no direction We got him! Hey, what the hell? It's my fake snake challenge.
It's totally trending.
Do you want to do this another time? Eh, I'm getting that you're not into working today.
I am working.
I'm always working.
It's called, "creating content.
" Well-well, I have an idea.
Let's create some content that could actually help your music career.
- Rude.
- I'm sorry, I just I take this very seriously.
And you have an amazing voice, but if I'm being honest, you're better than your songs.
If I'm being honest, I don't care how good your songs are because no one hears them.
I think we should hit pause on this.
And-and it's not because I can't take criticism, because I won't.
Hey, Mom, I'm ready to go.
Well, get your mammogram tomorrow! Dude, you shouldn't have told her her songs were bad.
Oh, but they are.
You want to hear one? Two-day shipping on my love Get it delivered by 9:00 p.
Yeah, that's pretty bad.
My heart was left on the porch And stolen by my neighbor See, now that just got relatable.
Hey, Phil, who am I? Hey, Oscar, do it for Marilyn.
She's doing my bit.
And that's a total of nine! That's our ringer! And that was my title.
Oh, bitter is what keeps you single, Wyatt.
- I got one! I got one! - Great job, Phil.
You sure know your way around a ball.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
I'll see you around.
Did you just curtsy? I don't know how to act when Glen talks to me.
He makes me so nervous.
Are you crushing on him? I mean, I don't even know if Glen is gay.
He gets flirty with me, but now he's over there hugging on that woman.
Maybe he's bisexual.
Oh, right.
I've heard that's real now.
Why don't you just ask him? I can't.
Men of my generation are not as open about things like that.
That's why our gay bars were always called "Secrets" or "Whispers" or "Thursday Night Choir Practice.
" Phil, come on, you've got another turn.
Oh, hell.
My fries are getting cold.
All right, Kat, your turn.
Marilyn Monroe that ball.
Maybe you should just take my turn for me.
Come on, I got you.
And so just like this.
You got to remember to follow through.
Oh, I like this part.
I do, too, but at some point we got to let go of the ball.
Uh Oh! - Gutter ball.
- That's okay.
Ah, little tip.
You see those arrows? Aim for those, don't look at the pins.
Listen to him.
He's our ringer.
You said that already, Phil.
Oh, right.
That makes sense.
It's kind of like non-Euclidean geometry where lines that appear parallel intersect at the front pin.
Like a triangle.
Yeah, if that means "aim for the arrows," then yes.
Oh, that looks promising! See? What'd I tell you? That's seven for Kat! That's my girl.
I think I kind of get bowling.
- Oh! - Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Kat, you were on fire.
And, Oscar, how does your ass feel? 'Cause I think she whupped it.
I kind of did, didn't I? You were amazing.
I mean, I wasn't at my best today 'cause I was helping my girl, but you were great.
Will you look at that? We are up to 15th place.
I think we got ourselves a new ringer! I wasn't at my best today 'cause I was helping my girl.
You said that already, Oscar.
Don't be pathetic.
Hi, Max here.
The Bartender Bae.
Let's talk lemons.
So, the secret to getting a uniform slice is you want to make sure Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
What are you doing? Creating content? Ugh, kill me now.
My man's going down a rabbit hole.
Pretty soon, he's gonna be posting himself by a pool, drinking Chardonnay, saying stuff like, "I'm living my best life.
" Well, Pippa's right.
It's not about music anymore.
It's about followers.
And people will do the craziest stuff to get them, like pranks and and danger challenges.
Look, this guy lost a testicle.
But he got two million followers, and he just sold a movie.
That's worth a nut.
You can't ignore how powerful that stuff is.
Even the girl who ate a bucket of cinnamon just bought a seat on Jeff Bezos' rocket.
She did? I could eat cinnamon.
See? You got to be in the game.
Hi, Max here.
Let's cut lemons.
Give me that.
You are not posting that.
I know.
It's boring.
But what am I supposed to do? Jump off a cliff? Lick an airplane toilet seat? I don't even have money for a ticket.
That's what's stopping you? No one is licking anything.
We're gonna keep it classy and make it about the music.
Oh, I like that.
Wait, "we"? Yeah, people know I live with you.
I can't have you running around here looking like a fool.
That cinnamon girl earned her money.
"The Bowling Winners"? I guess it sort of has a ring.
I was just getting used to being called a "Gutter Queen.
" Well, I thought we needed a team name that had a little more optimism, but now that I'm hearing you say it, I'm not loving it.
- We'll revisit after practice.
- Why are we practicing here? Or at all? To become "bowling winners.
" Why do I like it when I say it? Turns out bowling is all about math.
So, we're gonna improve our game with numbers.
Sounds an awful lot like homework.
I know, right? Now, a ball thrown down a lane will slow down over its course, and the main cause of that is friction.
So, let's talk friction and mass.
Ooh, I'm getting flashbacks from my first time.
See? We're having fun already.
Now, let's call the mass "M" and the ball's radius "R.
" Easy-peasy, right? The rotational inertia "I" equals two-fifths Uh, Carter, for the tenth time, it goes, bam, bam, bam, - spin around, bam.
- Right, right.
I keep adding an extra bam.
Yeah, and I'm not getting any attitude here.
I need to see attitude.
- Now I'm getting attitude.
- Yeah, you are.
Uh, baby, just save it for the camera, okay? Before you I never really had a chance Before you I never had a reason to dance You broke apart the walls in me You held my hand and made me see I never want to go back to Before you.
Nailed it.
All right, we got some moves.
Hey, we look damn good.
All right, I'm gonna say it.
We are TikTok stars.
Someone had to.
So, what do we do next? People are going to expect something.
Oh, you're right, but how do we top ourselves? Now I know how Beyoncé feels.
I always know how Beyoncé feels.
Ooh, maybe Max could do that thing where he dances with a clone of himself.
Or we can get him a green screen.
He can dance in cool places, like, bam, he's on the moon, or bam, he's underwater, or bam Oh, now you get the bams? And, when exactly am I supposed to be doing all this stuff? Well, what do you do on your days off? I write music.
We're dancers now, Max.
You got to pick your priorities.
Music is my priority.
That's the whole reason we're doing this.
No, that's why you're doing it.
I'm doing it to get verified.
All I want is to get paid to write a song.
I don't want to dance with my clone on the moon.
Yeah, we moved past that, Bae.
This was fun, and we look amazing and I definitely belong in front.
But I'm a 40-year-old man who just pulled his groin trying to get 300 followers.
I don't know, guys.
If this is what it takes to go big, maybe it's just not gonna happen.
- 300 followers seems generous.
- I was gonna say.
Oh, yes! That is my boyfriend giving us a "stone eight.
" We can work with that! Uh, that would've been a spare if you would use the arrows.
I-I know about the arrows.
I'm the one who told you about the arrows, remember? Right, right, right.
That was the moment the "Gutter Queens" became "The Bowling Winners.
" Oh, uh, Wyatt, make sure to keep your wrist straight.
Last time it was too loose and floppy.
Was I just gay bashed? Oh, toughen up, Tinker Bell.
All right, Wyatt, you are gonna slay this.
Now, remember to follow through and visualize that triangle.
When I asked God for any kind of human touch, I wasn't picturing this.
Hey, superstar.
Thought you might like a beer.
They gave me two by mistake.
Oh, how sweet.
Hey, Glen, what movie is this from? "They drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway.
" Hey, Glen, Glen, I think we just pulled ahead of you.
Ring! Hang on.
Hello? Uh-huh.
Yes, I'll tell him.
That was your mom.
She said, "You left your game at home, son.
" My mother passed away last Christmas.
May her memory be only for a blessing.
See you later, dude.
We still pulled ahead of you.
Kat, I was trying to figure out if Glen is gay.
So, I was quoting a line from Valley of the Dolls to see if he'd pick up on it.
Kat, your turn.
I-I promise I'll make it up to you.
So, according to my calculations, if we take this game, we move into tenth place.
Wow, that's great.
Hey, just remember, everyone's here to have a good time.
I thought we were.
Yeah, I just, I'm worried the guys think you're being a little intense, you know, with all the technique advice and corrections.
I just want everyone to get better.
Before you got here, no one wanted to get better.
Also, your "no fries in the team area" rule did not go over well.
Uh, greasy fingers are the enemy of bowling.
Just don't be the enemy of fun.
I don't want the guys to kick you off the team, right? They can't kick me off the team.
I am the team! Okay, I'm hearing the intensity.
How do I know if you love me If you won't even follow me Look what the Internet dragged in.
Our love was like an Insta Story Gone in 24 hours But I have it in my archives Hey, Pippa.
That was That was some song.
- Aw, thanks.
- So, what are you doing here? Um My mom gave my manager your demo.
She really liked it.
Oh, did she? Yeah, she thought, uh She thought that your songs might be better than mine.
Oh, did she? I just said that.
Anyway, she wants you to write a few songs for me.
We want you to write some songs.
Wait, really? That would be great.
Yay! Oh, my manager wanted me to give you this.
I guess it's called a check? It's like crypto but for old people.
Well, somebody's having steak tonight.
With a moderately priced wine.
So, you want to work on the arrangement? - Let's do it.
- Come on.
Hey, I saw your video.
You got some moves.
I can teach it to you.
Yeah, I'm good.
What used to be the best of me Now makes a bloody mess of me I had no direction home But you're so new and bright to me There's no more cold and night in me I discovered him.
- These are his.
- You bitch.
Ladies, it's okay.
I-I want to ask you something, and please be honest.
Have I been making you crazy? Maybe a little.
I mean, you did muck up my moment with Glen.
And I don't love having to gobble every time you bowl a turkey.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
I feel horrible.
Should I quit? Do you want me to resign as captain? I don't remember there being an election.
Well, there was a vacuum, I stepped in.
Quit the team? Are you kidding? We're about to break the top ten.
We're getting dirty looks from the other teams.
That's never happened before.
So, we're cool? Be as hard on us as you want.
Hell yeah, get out there, girl, and get us that trophy.
Well, Wyatt, I think you know what to do with those fries.
Yes, sir.
Let's go, Bowling Winners! Eighth place is pretty good, right? Yep.
I mean, we got this little plaque and this coupon for bottomless nachos.
Do not give me a challenge like that.
I will win.
Are you okay? Yeah, of course, totes magotes.
I've never heard you say "totes magotes" before.
Is something bothering you? Come on, Oscar, talk to me.
Look Kat, I'm a pretty good bowler.
Yes, you are.
But I'm a little bit better.
Wait, is that a problem for you? Of course not.
Are you sure? This is going to sound so stupid.
I kind of liked being the ringer even on a not-so-great team.
But you're still a great bowler.
How do I put this? Uh Kat, you are the type of person who shines wherever you are.
I guess I liked having a place where I shined a little, too.
Oh, Oscar, that's crazy.
I mean, you shine all the time.
- You are amazing.
- No.
You don't have to do this.
This is my issue, not yours.
But I-I think we should talk about it.
No, it's okay.
We're good.
- Really.
- Really? Really.
I promise.
- Before you.
- We are all so good, right? Ooh, someone said, "That girl is cute.
" It's probably me.
I'm learning not to read the comments, it gets in your head.
I was called "really talented," "a poor man's Harry Connick Jr.
," and someone thought they knew me from porn.
They didn't.
You know, I've got stuff to say.
Maybe I should do more of that social media.
Here's to the beginning of a big-ass career.
And remember, if you crash and burn, or you do something stupid to get canceled, there will always be a plunger and a clogged toilet with your name on it.
Wait, wait, wait.
I want to say something.
When you win your first Grammy, I will be right there in the front row, swooning.
Yes, there will be swooning.
To Max.
- Oh, to Max! - To Max.
Oh, Phil.
Look over there.
What is Glen doing here? I may or may not have invited him.
I thought that the two of you had some stuff to clear up.
Kat, I am mortified.
I got to pee, so Oh, no, no! - Hey, Phil.
- Oh, Glen.
Hey! What was that quote you said to me at the bowling alley? Oh, um "They drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you come crawling back to Broadway.
" "But Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope.
" He's gay as a clutch purse, y'all! That's a feel-good moment happening right here at The Middle C.
I'd like to think that I Oh! Before you I never really had a chance Before you I never had a reason to dance You broke apart the walls in me You held my hand and made me see I never want to go back to Before you I never want to go back to Before you.

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