Call Me Kat (2021) s02e16 Episode Script

Call Me What the Kat Dragged In

1 Wait, what the hell? Why are you wearing somebody's old-ass tablecloth? Oscar's coming over and I broke his heart.
So I feel like, as the dumper, I owe it to the injured party, i.
the dumpee, to not flaunt my feminine wiles in this, his time of need.
Well, mission accomplished.
Why do you even own that? It was ten years ago, it was an art fair, I was probably high on kettle corn.
Wait, is all that Oscar's? You know the move here is to sell what you can and throw the rest of that crap in the river.
Oh, great.
So, then I'll be home, watching the news, and they'll be dragging a dead body from the river and it'll be wearing Oscar's Imagine Dragons T-shirt? How will I feel then? - Wait, isn't this your tablet? - Oh, yeah, but Oscar used to play Grand Theft Auto on it.
I thought beating up pimps might be good for him right now.
Fine, but he is not getting these brownies that you made.
No, they're chocolate scotcheroos, his favorite.
You're giving him a damn breakup gift basket.
You think I should skip all this and just read him the haiku I wrote? Do not I repeat, do not read Oscar a haiku.
You haven't even heard it No, oh, eh! Haikus and scotcheroos.
Crazy person.
Hey, come on in.
This is all your stuff.
Okay, right to it.
Lemon-scented and ForceFlex.
That mine? Yeah.
And-and a few extra things, too.
I-I thought you should have custody of our shared froyo punch card.
Two more and you get a free sundae.
Premium toppings excluded.
And in your email you'll be finding a link to a Spotify breakup playlist.
80 minutes of songs that speak to where your heart is right now.
How much of it is Adele? Well, I think the right amount.
So, all of it.
- Oscar, can we talk? - About what? Well, you-you know I feel horrible about how this went down.
You feel horrible? I had to bring back an engagement ring.
The guy looked at me like I was some kind of loser who got his proposal shot down.
You know why? 'Cause I am.
Love, big, and gorgeous, a bear's life in the forest, now, hibernation.
Oscar heartbroken, art fair kettle corn yummy, play, sad playlist, play.
This goes out to all the broken hearts out there.
And all the breakers of those hearts.
And to you, cookie dough ice cream, because you are the real hero today.
I've been alone with you ♪ Inside my mind ♪ And in my dreams I've kissed your lips ♪ A thousand times ♪ I sometimes see you Pass outside my door ♪ Hello ♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪ Yes, it is, 'cause we're concerned.
Why? I'm great.
I'm great.
Are you sure? Because you took your lunch break three hours ago and now you are shotgunning boxed wine like you just got into Sigma Chi.
I hate seeing you so upset.
There, there.
Ah, the comfort of a mother's touch.
Brought you a sandwich and fries.
Why don't you have some of this and a little less peach moscato? I don't deserve fries.
Fries are for good people, like Oscar or Jesus or Savannah Guthrie.
With those abs, there's no way Jesus ate fries.
Randy, did I just throw away my only chance at love and now I'm destined to die alone? Probably.
There, there.
Can you pat me with the hand that doesn't have rings on it? Oh, I'm sorry, that's my wedding ring.
I guess you wouldn't understand.
Oh, Kat, it-it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Get back on your feet and live your life.
- How am I supposed to do that? - Ooh! I don't know.
But maybe first take a shower, because you smell like cheap wine and sadness.
And just a kiss of B.
Yeah, get out of the house.
Go get some dinner.
You know, after that shower.
Well, who wants to have dinner with me tonight? Oh, tonight? Nicole and I are going on a riverboat cruise.
Carter's working and I have class.
Sheila and I are going to see Dolly Parton.
But we could skip it.
Shut your stupid little mouth.
I'm sorry, it's just it's Dolly.
No, actually, this is better.
You know, I need to get used to being alone again.
Yeah, I'll take myself out to dinner.
There you go.
You spent the first 40 years of your life alone, you can do 40 more.
In a good way.
Hi there.
Someone else joining you? Nope, party of one.
Or should I say party of fun.
Can I get you something to drink? Complimentary bread? I'll take a martini and bread that tells me I'm pretty.
Complimentary? Wordpl I'll take the martini.
Cloudy with a 20% chance of rain tomorrow.
Software update? Uh, yes, please.
How you two doing tonight? I like your top.
Very Meghan Markle.
Thank you.
Is that the risotto? I was looking at that.
How's the mouth feel? It's good.
Four stars from my table-neighbor.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Oh, Oh, she forgot my bread.
Guess she's trying to get her steps in.
Hey, Kitty Kat.
Nick? He owns the sandwich shop down the street.
So annoying, so full of himself, so chiseled and buff.
Eating by yourself? - Uh, yes.
Taking myself on a little date.
- Hm.
I'll take lamest Friday night for 500, Ken.
Uncalled for.
For your information, I'm having a lovely time, and Why are you sitting down? Well, 'cause I don't like eating standing up.
Ooh, that a martini? Uh, it's my-tini.
My-tini? You know, that kind of wordplay might be why you're alone.
What's up, baby? Oh, hey.
What-what are you doing here? In my home.
Oh, I spilled cherry syrup on myself at the bar.
Max thought I got stabbed.
That boy is so sheltered.
I mean, I also yelled, "Aah! I got stabbed!" Anyway, your place is closer than mine, so I came here to clean up.
Well, how did you get in? Max gave me a key.
So, how was art history? Oh, dull.
Two hours of impressionists it's blurry, we get it.
Well, uh, maybe I can help liven up your day.
You want to, you know Or you can vacuum that couch because you eat like a first grader at story time.
What if we, uh Right now? And then I'll vacuum after? Okay.
I'll vacuum now.
So, yeah, Louisville Magazine wants to do an article about me calling me the charcuterie cutie.
I mean, I didn't come up with it, but you can tweet me @CharcuterieQT.
I bet you a hundred bucks this guy doesn't ask a single thing about me.
So, what's going on with you? How are things at the cat café? Well, obviously, I can't pay each of you $100.
But isn't what we have better than money? Did you just ask about me? Yeah.
How's business? Good.
I mean, kind of thought by now I'd be in a position to buy my building, but I did just get a new cat tree.
I'm just gonna smile and pretend that that's not pathetic.
And I'm just gonna smile and pretend like you're not a giant douche.
I normally suck at comebacks, but that was pretty good, right? I am at most a medium douche.
But, hey, buying your building would be a good investment.
Just, I'm starting to think about retirement.
Plus, I could put a billboard of myself on the roof that says, "Yo, Louisville, I own this bitch.
" By the way, where's your boyfriend? Um, actually, Oscar and I broke up.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Hey, relationships are tough.
I thought I'd be on my third wife by now.
You really think three women would marry you? In my mind, one and three are the same woman.
If I can fool her once, I can fool her twice.
And wife number two would just go back to being the nanny.
Wait, am I having a good time? I am having a good time.
Rebound sex is awesome.
Excuse me.
Oh, dear.
This seemed like such a good idea last night.
Nick? Still breathing.
Still beating.
Still taut and juicy.
Nick! I'm new to casual sex.
Is this normal? Yeah, hey, Randi, um can you come up here for a second? Yeah, and if you've got 'em, um, bring jumper cables.
Well, look what the Kat dragged in.
Ha, ha, ha, very clever.
Can you holster your wit and help me wake him? Well, what did you do to him? I did all the, you know, good sex stuff.
Which obviously left him depleted.
Or it was his sleeping pills.
It was the sex stuff.
Look, Kat, I'm all for you getting your spice where it's nice, but Nick really? Trust me, I don't want people to know.
Just help me - get him to the shower.
- Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Does he have boxers on? 'Cause I do not want to start my day with all that flopping at me.
We're good.
Flopper in the cage.
- Okay, just I'll get - All right.
- Okay.
- Ooh.
Was he this heavy when he was on top of you? Actually, I was the one who was on t - You know what, never mind.
Just go over there.
- Okay, okay.
- Got it? - Got it.
Three, two, one.
Uh - Oh, wait Is this your first threesome? Okay, new plan, new plan.
We leave him a note and I tell him to go out the front door.
That way no one'll see him.
That'll work.
But why does it smell like stripper in here? Oh, strawberry love oil.
My mom gives it to me every Hanukkah.
It's kosher.
Hey Randi, can I get a coffee? We're out.
You just gave some to that guy.
Oh, well, that guy didn't give my boyfriend a key to my apartment.
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Aw, well, neither is making your own damn coffee.
Phil, can I get a coffee? Sorry, I'm team Randi.
She scares me.
I got you.
She doesn't scare me.
But if she asks, you got this out of the garbage.
Hey, Sheila.
How's it going? Oh, I was just accosted by a pack of youths begging for money.
Mother, those are Girl Scouts selling cookies.
Giving them a name only legitimizes them.
How was your evening? Fine.
I-I took myself out, it was fine.
What'd you do? Just went to dinner.
And then what? Why do you assume there's a "then what"? There was no "then what.
" Back off, Max.
I am not impressed with the customer service today.
Uh, Kat? Oh, oh, this is not good.
Hey Kitty Kat, can I get a coffee to go? Oh, my.
It appears Ms.
Silver had a gentleman caller.
So there was a "then what.
" Katharine, I didn't know you had it in you.
Oh, she had it in her.
Um what are-what are you doing down here? Didn't you get my note? Yeah, "Last night was great.
Please go out the front door.
" Not this front door.
The front door to my apartment.
A-And I didn't write "last night was great.
" I wrote "I had a great time.
" The sex was great, you know, and so what if the sex was great? I deserve great sex.
Wrong front door, Nick! Hey, baby.
You want some eggs? What are you doing here again? I thought I'd squeeze in a nap during my lunch break.
Why are you wearing my bonnet? Oh, I didn't bring my own.
I got to protect the gold.
And my robe? If I'm napping, I'm taking my pants off.
Plus, this is buttery soft and smells amazing.
How do you do that? I wash it.
But who let you in? I did.
Max gave me the key, remember? - Wh I thought you gave that back.
- Why would I do that? Because I am not ready for you to have a key to my apartment.
What's the big deal? You have the key to my heart.
No, no, no, that was your lame-ass Valentine's Day present because you forgot.
I got news for you: your free massage coupons just expired.
Carter, you can't just come over here whenever you want.
- Well, why not? - Because it's too much like we're living together.
Oh, and I guess that's a bad thing.
Look at yourself.
It's not a good thing.
I'll go drain my bubble bath, blow out the candles and leave.
- Hey, Kat.
- What's going on? Can I get a double bourbon? You know it's 2:00 in the afternoon.
I need a bartender, not a clock.
I don't know what's going on, but this is not a good day to be a man.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Just, life keeps kicking me right in my girl balls.
Still upset about Oscar? No.
I mean, yes, but, it's, uh - talking about the other stuff.
- Oh.
Is this about you and Nick getting busy? Did you tell him? Kat, come on, I care about you, I wouldn't do that.
Your mother did.
So what do I do about Nick? It was a one-night stand.
You do the same thing I did when I hooked up with your roommate in college.
That happened more than once.
God, I miss college.
I never went to college.
But I had a lot of one-night stands.
Well, I have never had one before.
What happens next? Nothing.
You've done everything and everyone that needed to be done.
You had your fun.
Now you just got to hope it isn't too awkward at your son's next parent-teacher conference.
Well, I'm gonna see him all the time.
Like, what do I do if he wants more of this? Sex moves.
Hey, Brutus.
Looking handsome.
Keep up the good work.
Oh, what about me? I'm handsome.
I do good work.
I've been told.
By you.
Last night.
Three times.
Damn these sex moves.
Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.
Talk away, Kitty Kat.
Um, well, last night was fun, but it was kind of a low point for me.
Like, this is forgetting to wear a bra on seventh grade picture day, and then this is you, like, way down here, below clogging the toilet at Captain Darby's Shrimp Boat after prom.
Wow, awesome stories.
You should go tell 'em on TikTok.
Um, uh, yeah, so, I just wanted to make it clear that, uh, last night was a-a one-time thing.
You know, hit it and quit it.
Hump 'em and dump 'em.
I got it.
Sex-it and ex-it.
Yes, I'm familiar with how one-night stands work.
Okay, good, I'm just not in the headspace right now to take a lover.
Wow, "headspace to take a lover.
" So, Lady Chatterly's closed her bedchambers, then? I'll see you around, Nick.
Hey, you want to have breakup sex on a giant wheel of parmesan cheese in the back? What is wrong with you? How does he know just the right thing to say? Let's do this.
All right, the score is nine to nine, next one wins.
One, two, three.
Oh, you're going down, little man.
I'm big where it counts.
Oh, that makes me uncomfortable.
I meant my quads.
But also the other thing.
Oh! Did you just fart? You know that's an automatic forfeit.
But I think I ripped my pants.
You want to give up? - Hell no.
- Oh Uh, what are y'all doing? - Working.
- Working.
Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
I got to go change my pants.
What's up? Not much.
Just haven't seen you in a couple days.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, I've been, uh, busy.
Well, you want to come over tonight? Nah, I-I don't think so.
Are you sure? 'Cause we can have dinner and then maybe, you know It's been a long week.
I'm kind of tired.
Okay, what's going on? I was thinking that maybe I should take a step back from-from this, from us.
- Wait, what? - I I feel like you've been fighting this relationship every step of the way.
Is this 'cause of the key thing? Because we both agreed we would take this slow.
We were taking it any slower, we'd be going backwards.
Well, sorry I'm not sticking to your schedule.
Did you put my backup pants in the freezer? I'm not in a joking mood.
But yeah, I did.
Um, hey, Randi, I-I know you're having some problems with Carter.
If you think it might help, I do have a "trouble with your boo" playlist.
How much of it is Adele? Look, I can't help it if her songs apply to almost every situation.
Well, actually, it would help to talk this out with someone who understands guy drama.
Well, my dear, you've come to the right place.
- I have a lot of - Phil.
Step into my office, darling.
You can call me Dr.
I'm, uh, glad you're here.
We should probably talk.
Oh, let me guess the lady regrets her dalliances, both upon bed and upon cheese? Yes.
That is never happening again.
Especially not right now, 'cause Randi and Phil are in the kitchen.
Well, that's probably best, because I got a lot of work to do anyway.
- I just came by to thank you for your idea.
- What idea? Well, the other night you mentioned buying your building, so I looked into it.
You-you looked into this building? My building? - Soon to be my building.
- Your building? Yeah, I'm buying it.
I'm gonna be your new landlord.
This guy just found another way to screw me.
He owns my building.
He owns the room that I sleep in.
And the room he sometimes sleeps in.
Hey, that was just once.
Mm, I heard it was more than once.
How'd you hear that? I didn't tell anyone.
You just told me.
Oh, gosh.
Well, what can I say? It's these unstoppable sex moves.
- Here.
- What's this? - Just open it.
- Whoa.
My own robe.
Won't flatter my figure like yours, but thanks.
Check the pocket.
- It's a key to my apartment.
- Really? Yeah.
You were right, I have been - fighting this relationship.
- Why? Look, I already pay somebody by the hour to talk about it.
Just trust me, I don't want to screw this up.
Baby, I think we both know that I would be the one to screw this up.
So, you can come over whenever you want.
Appreciate that.
Just make sure you text me three hours in advance.
- Not a problem.
- And Sunday morning is my time.
- Yes, Lord, it is.
- And no more than two days in a row.
Are you sure you want me to have this? No, but I gave it to you anyway.
Maybe I'll surprise you and stop by tonight.
- Don't.
- Got it.
One, two, three.
- Oh, you're so strong! - Oh, geez! For the record, these are not my unstoppable sex moves.
I do it big, big, big ♪ This ain't no medium, this ain't no medium ♪ I let 'em gas me up ♪ Only take premium, only take premium ♪ Do what I want, want, want, so disobedient ♪ Say I don't got the juice, you a comedian, ha, ha, ha ♪ I do it big, big, big ♪ So big, large ♪ Only take premium, only take premium ♪ This ain't no medium, this ain't no medium.

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