Call Me Kat (2021) s02e17 Episode Script

Call Me Flatch

1 Hey, what can I get for you? Uh, what flavor slushies you got? We like blue flavor.
Well, blue is the best.
I mean, blue teeth, blue tongue.
It's not a flavor found in nature just blue.
Mm-mm, all y'all are crazy.
The best flavor, red.
Red gives me brain freeze.
Red is so much colder than blue.
Oh, dude, she gets us.
Yeah, I get you! I get young people things.
I watch Euphoria.
Although, most of the time, I have to watch like this.
Like, "Mm.
" Uh, so we'll take two blue slushies, please.
Throw in a red one.
Brain freezes really help me think.
Unfortunately, we don't sell slushies.
So you'll talk about them but you won't make them? - Huh.
- Slush tease.
You two don't seem like you're from around here.
That's because they're from Thursdays at 9:30 on Fox and streaming on Hulu.
We won a scratch-off ticket, so we decided to take the cash and go on a pilgrimage.
We're putting a ten-piece bucket on Colonel Sanders' grave.
Master of the chicken, inventor of the spork guy's a legend.
Truly a visionary.
I wish more things were served in a bucket.
- Mm.
- Oh, my God! Billion-dollar idea! Slushie in a bucket! Slush bucket! Don't even think about stealing my idea.
Yeah, we got to patent that when we get back to Flatch.
Wait, what's a flatch? Uh, the town we're from.
We basically run the place.
I'm Kelly Mallet, my honor.
And this is my coz, Shrub.
Maybe you've heard of me.
I haven't.
Well, if you ever want to visit, I can borrow Kelly's beanbag for all of your lounging needs.
No, you can't.
Are you kidding me right now? She's coming for the weekend.
Wait, uh, that's not happening.
Way to go, Kel.
Okay, relax, I'll buy you a slushie.
Oh, (BLEEP) yeah.
Did he just get a bleep? We don't get to do that here.
Listen, we'll be at the liquor store parking lot doing something sick if you want to come through.
I don't.
I will see you there.
Billion-dollar idea blue-flavored coffee.
Red would be better.
And now you just ruined it.
Kitty Kat.
Hello, Nick.
Are you here as my landlord or just the annoying guy from down the block? Or as the guy she had pity sex with twice? - Pity sex? - That's the word on the street.
Listen, can we talk in private? Uh, sorry.
Can't leave the counter.
The, uh 2:37 rush is about to come in.
Here's the deal.
I asked around.
What you're paying in rent is under market.
Yeah, well, I asked around and no one likes you.
Classic retort from the case of Rubber v.
"Bounce, me.
Stick, you.
" Anyway, starting next month, café's rent goes up 40%.
What? Is that even legal? - Scuse me.
- Yeah, my lawyer looked through your lease.
He said I could do whatever I want.
I was cutting you a break.
40% is cutting me a break? I'm sorry, could I just get a nonfat latte? Not right now! How can you even do this? Look, I'm sorry.
It's not personal it's just business.
So, on the first of the month, you'll owe me Yeah, I was a math professor.
I can do 40% in my head.
Carry the five.
Um, do we Well, while you're crunching the numbers there, you can also tack on 40% for your apartment.
Seriously? Again, it's not personal.
Yeah, well, neither is this.
You are an absolute (BLEEPING) head (BLEEP) wipe.
Guess we do get to do that here.
Hey, everyone, I'm running some numbers.
I'm trying to cut back on costs.
How do y'all feel about one-ply toilet paper? I will kindly ask that you never speak of its existence in my presence again.
Okay, well, add that to the long list of things that Phil doesn't like, along with Spider-Man, the musical, and pants that unzip into shorts.
You don't like zip-away pants? You're ready for everything.
"Nice to meet you, Mr.
Oh, would I like to play basketball? Yes! Of course! I'm already ready.
" Zip.
How 'bout this? Phil, could you make muffins with frozen blueberries instead of fresh? Could you take your mouth and shut it? Carter, can I talk to you outside for a minute? Sure.
Okay, so you know that Nick bought my building, - raised my rent.
- Yeah.
That guy's name should be Dick Move.
So what you gonna do? Well, I was hoping you could help me.
I got you.
I know a guy.
No, that-that's not what I meant.
Yeah, of course it's not.
No, I don't want you threatening Nick - or anything like that.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
We good.
No, no, no.
That-that's really not what I want.
And that's exactly what you should say if there's any questions.
Can you stop texting whoever you're texting? I just want to know what you would do in my situation.
Got you.
Hey, I-I'll clear things up with Freddie later.
Don't worry.
He's kind of a procrastinator.
Look, I'm-I'm trying to reduce costs, I'm raising prices, but it's just not enough.
Maybe I should cancel my health insurance.
I'll be okay.
I come from hearty stock.
Didn't your dad die young? Yeah, but I'm hoping I get my mom's genes.
She'll outlive us all.
When the machines take over, she'll be the last human alive, asking some robot to help her with her email.
Look, my biggest expense is staff.
And bathroom repairs.
I mean, I don't know what you women do in there, but y'all can wreck a bathroom.
I can't cut back on staff.
I've only got Phil and Randi.
And they both serve critical roles in the functioning of this business.
- That's a wellness activity.
- Mm-hmm.
And it's really good for staff morale.
This is where it gets tough to be the boss.
You got to make the hard decisions.
And since Randi's my boo, the hard decision is Phil.
No, that's not happening.
I'll think of something else.
Freddie and his boys are rolling.
I got to go.
Come on.
There's got to be some superpower you'd want.
Invisibility? Oh, please.
Why would I want to deprive people of all of this? What about you? I would like the ability to make waffles in an instant.
So, wait, so, wait, you'd be Waffle Man? Okay.
So hear me out.
Frozen ones are a disappointment, and-and waffles from scratch take too long.
So if I could have the perfect waffle anytime, whenever I wanted it, I think my life would be complete.
I can get behind that.
Drunk late-night partygoers, have no fear.
Waffle Man is here! He took that from me, Pancake Girl! You're both so cute.
And so white.
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
So, how was your day? Big news.
I'm playing piano for this fundraising event on Saturday.
Guess who's headlining.
Robin Thicke.
Robin Thicke.
He's awesome.
And he has the best hair I've ever seen.
Excuse me? I said what I said.
But how cool would it be if you got to meet him and play him one of your songs? Ooh, and I just wrote a new one about growing up without a dad.
Sounds like a real banger.
Do you think you could get me in? My badge says "musician number three.
" What do you think? Okay, well, then I guess I'll just have to sneak in.
Please, you're a heavy-footed, loud-talking fool.
He is.
He's handsome Frankenstein.
- Well, then this is a job for - No.
- Stop.
- Waffle Man! I will just have to sneak in syrup-titiously.
Aw, where's Kat when you need her? Hey, team.
Y'all remember my young friends Kelly and Shrub.
We slushed it up.
Brain freeze! - Aw! Lucky! - Aah! What is happening? What's happening is they didn't bring us slushies.
That's what's happening.
Sup, girl? "Sup" is not a word.
I'm a grown-ass woman.
And nope.
Third time today.
Shooters got to shoot.
You know how it is.
- Hells to the yeah, I know how it is.
- Uh-huh.
It's arduous out there for a player, am I right? Why don't y'all go upstairs? I'll be right up to show you around.
Uh, do you have a microwave? - Yeah.
- Sweet! Pizza pockets all day! - All day! - All day! Wait, you didn't adopt them, did you? No, they're just renting my place while they're in town.
And where'd you get that, the Bad Idea Hall of Fame? It's all part of the plan.
Renting out my apartment, tutoring some kids in math.
Make a little extra cash, the ole Ben Franklins.
By the way, can we get that guy his own musical? Where are you gonna stay? Don't worry.
I've got it all figured out.
Um, sweet jams.
Uh, do you have any without cats? Same question but for underwear.
You know she's gonna put your drawers on, right? Thank you for letting me stay with you, Mother.
Of course, sweetheart.
You're always welcome.
It's not permanent, right? We both know, if that were the case, we'd end up on Dateline.
It's just temporary till I can get my life back together.
Oh, dear God.
Uh, well, just sign here.
- What is this? - It's a standard agreement.
It protects you as much as it protects me, dear.
"Mother's bedroom is off-limits.
- "Tenants are on their own for breakfast.
- Mm-hmm.
$20-a-day resort fee"? Well, it includes Internet and access to the fitness center.
- You sure you don't want a security deposit as well? - No.
I know you're tight on cash right now.
I'll just take any damages out of my will.
- Hi there.
- Oh! Not again.
Well, you're better-looking than most of my male groupies, I'll give you that much.
I'm not a groupie.
I Not that you aren't very attractive.
Uh, because you are.
Even-even better in person, by the way.
Those eyes wow.
Thank you.
So what'll it be? You want the selfie, the autograph or a strand of my hair? What? Well, you can't have all three, brother.
Unless you pay the 99 bucks - for the VIP Fan Club Package.
- Oh.
I-I'm not here for any of that.
Uh, uh, my name is Max Kingbird and I'm a huge fan.
And whew, I'm also a songwriter.
And I'd like to play something that I think would be perfect for you.
- And - But First, do you think I could grab some water? I'm a little nervous.
I get dry mouth.
Not a big sweater, except for my feet.
My shoes are like hot tubs right now.
That was dumb.
This song's not about any of this.
Listen, man, I'd love to hear it, but I got a show to do in five minutes.
My song's four and a half.
Why don't you leave a demo, and I'm gonna go get ready.
- Okay.
- All right? - Sure.
- Okay.
- All right, thanks a lot, brother.
- Here it is.
It's right here.
Thank you.
Next to the brie.
Aw, are you serious?! I figure I'll never be alone with you again, Robin Thicke.
I look around and something's different ♪ Same old place that I've always lived in ♪ But the walls seem a little bit crooked now ♪ 'Cause you're not with me ♪ Walk through the park we played in ♪ Everyone could see there's something missing ♪ Even the birds have stopped their whistling now ♪ They know I miss you ♪ And then I call your name ♪ And I look around ♪ And you're not there.
♪ All right, pal, you can't be in here.
You called security on me.
Well, you did break in to my dressing room.
You are correct.
I like the song, though.
Oh, my God, you do? He likes the song.
He likes my song.
He likes my song.
Robin Thicke likes my song.
I've found that strolling helps keep my stress levels down.
Really, Katharine, no incline? So does locking the door.
At least speed things up.
Remember, sweat is failure leaving the body.
Oh, also, Max is here.
What?! Oh! - Oh! - Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm-I'm fine.
How do you get off a treadmill? Uh, door open? Closed? Not sure what to do.
Katharine's never had a boy in here.
Closed, with you on the other side of it.
Welcome to the seventh circle of hell.
I figured as much, that's why I come bearing whiskey.
Well, that'll get me through the night.
Can you bring more tomorrow? What's going on with you? Me? Uh, nothing much.
I just Oh, wow, that's a lot of diaries.
That's just freshman year of college.
Oh, freshman year of college.
Is there anything about me in here? What? No.
No! No! No! No! Give it! Geez.
- This is my dad's graduation card for me.
- Aw.
"To my best gal-a-dictorian, I'm so proud of you.
I'll be at the ceremony cheering magna cum loudest of all.
" Apple, tree.
I wish I was that good.
"Can't wait to see what the future holds for my kitten.
I love you, Dad.
Forgot to do the rap I wrote at breakfast.
Expect to hear it at your party.
" Oh, yeah, that's right.
Notorious D.
Mo study, less problems.
That's why we have those journals.
I'm not giving my dad much to be proud of these days, am I? Stop.
Sure, you fall, but you always pick yourself back up.
I know this because you fall a lot.
When I was little, they sent me to a specialist.
Two grand to be diagnosed with "clumsy.
" And that's why I still journal.
Listen, you gotta cut yourself some slack.
You're just going through some stuff.
You'll get out the other side.
How are you so sure? Because you're Kat Silver, and your superpower is that you're you.
Thank you.
You guys need a condom? Okay, so, Kiera, how would you factor four-X squared plus four-X-Y plus Y-squared? I wouldn't.
All right, why don't we put the phone down for a minute and focus on your homework.
'Cause I bet if factoring polynomials had an Instagram page, you'd like it.
Have you ever been married? That's not really relevant to algebra.
So no.
I'll have you know I was engaged.
It just didn't work out.
Was it because you're a cat lady or a math nerd? Okay, I think that's enough for today.
But my mom paid for an hour.
It's only been 52 minutes.
Oh, now you care about math? You're right, I don't.
And by the way, would a nerd be elected guest princess at the jousting tournament at the Renaissance Faire? Methinks not! If you think you won that, methinks not.
I do not envy you having to deal with kids these days.
They have the attention span of Oh, look, I'm getting a text.
You know, I think it's gonna be fine.
I'm starting to feel like I have a way out of this.
You know? My tutoring clients will bring in about 400 bucks a month.
- What's that? - It sounds like Mama's stomach the last 20 minutes of church.
What the Uh-uh, I just got my hair done.
Call me when it's over.
Sup, 502? - That tub turned itself on.
- Go! Go, go, go, go! Where am I gonna find the money to pay for all this? I know, I know.
I have to fire Phil.
If you need it, I've got a few bucks tucked away.
Dollywood will still be spectacular next year.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Why is he so sweet? It's like firing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny smushed together and squeezed into boys size-12 pants.
Phil, can we have a chat? Surely, girly.
Um, we need to talk about your job.
Oh, it's not a job when you're doing what you love.
It's just that, um Whew, gosh, how do I say this without you hating me? I could never hate you.
Besides, hate is just love that needs a hug.
Oh, you're so folksy.
Well, I'm no folksier than a pig wearing suspenders to church.
Okay, I don't get that one.
But, um, here's the thing.
I can't afford two employees.
And I think you know where this is headed.
I do.
Poor Randi.
Actually, Phil, I'm gonna have to let you go.
I'm so sorry.
It's the last thing I want to do.
It is just so much cheaper to buy pastries wholesale.
Please don't be mad.
Oh, I'm not mad.
I am furious! Oh, well, is furious just happiness that needs a hug? I spend all day in that hot sardine can of a kitchen! All right, this is good.
Just get it all out.
Getting up at 4:00 in the blessed morning to listen to you yammer on about Max this, Oscar that.
"Oops, I slept with Nick!" Okay, that's getting a little personal.
And then this is the thanks I get? Good luck keeping this place afloat without me! I just have one thing left to say.
I hate cats! - I already miss Phil.
- Me, too.
He used to challenge me to tickle fights, and I always said no.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Hey, this is Max.
No more gossiping about customers with Phil.
No more roasting your outfits.
That was more you than him.
Well, sometimes I gotta give him one so I wouldn't come off too mean.
Obviously, I keep the best ones for myself.
- Like this skirt - Yes, we all miss Phil.
Y'all know Phil's not dead, right? I mean, he's still our friend.
- Even mine? - Oh, hell no.
I-I can't believe it.
This is amazing.
Okay, thanks again.
That sounded like good news.
No, it's no big deal.
It's just the singer I met the other night.
- What singer? - Robin Thicke.
Oh, so he decided not to press charges.
That's a load off, huh? Robin Thicke? That's my favorite judge on Masked Singer.
Super-hot Robin Thicke? Super-hot what now? Come on, baby, you know he can pump up the tires, but you the only one that get to ride the bike.
I played him my song and he maybe wants to record it.
I don't know, whatever.
- Oh, my God! - What?! Why would you keep this a secret? I mean, you call me excited when you open a shell with three peanuts.
Well, I mean, first of all, that's awesome, 'cause, you know - Bonus peanut, but - Bonus peanut.
I feel weird taking a victory lap when you're going through such a hard time.
No, you should never be afraid to share with me, even if I'm having a hard time.
We share everything.
Like Robin Thicke's phone number.
Gimme, gimme, gimme It's been ten minutes.
Can I get that coffee? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oops, I spilled it.
Hey, Randi, when you get a chance, one of the cats missed the litter box and took a giant steaming Nick on the floor.
Okay, very adult.
Oh, I'll just go get the Nick scooper.
- Hmm.
- What? This isn't very good.
Are you kidding me? I'm just saying, the old ones were better.
Do you want to know why the old ones were better, Nick? The old ones were made by Phil.
Phil makes his with love.
These are made in some industrial kitchen in Pittsburgh with an acceptable percentage of bug parts, according to the FDA.
Okay, settle down.
Settle down? You want me to settle down? I have a café to run.
I have cats to find homes for, smug tweens to teach math to against their will.
I mean, Nick, you came into my life and you essentially ruined it! You raised my rent, I had to fire one of my best friends! This, this is your fault! It is all your fault! And I hate that Kat? Help, I need help.
This is not a bit.
I don't want the cats to worry.
Just tell them Mommy's gone to live on a farm.
Stop it, you're gonna be fine.
You don't know that.
What the hell is wrong with you? I'm bad in an emergency.
It's better you find that out now.
All right, we'll meet you at the hospital.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Kat, I am so sorry! When I made that voodoo doll, I did not expect it to work.
Make one for Nick, and we're even.
I will.
Well, hello.
I want to get you dancing ♪ I want to see you move ♪ I've waited so long, just ask me ♪ Do anything for you ♪ I want to see you move ♪ I want to see you move.

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