Call Me Kat (2021) s02e18 Episode Script

Call Me Shellfish

1 I hope Kat's okay.
I don't understand why they can't tell us what's going on.
Oh, I think we all know why.
They are not harvesting her organs for rich old people.
- It happened to my Uncle Joe.
- It did not.
Then why does he have a glass eye? Because he's a man who loves whiskey and fireworks.
What'd they say? How's Kat? She's gonna be okay.
We can go see her.
Apparently, she had a panic attack.
Yeah, because they were about to take her organs.
Don't be ridiculous.
Who would want her expired ovaries? Oh, look.
Aw, it's all the people who love me.
And my mother.
(LAUGHS) How you feeling? Never better.
Let me tell you something if you get a chance, get yourself one of these bad boys.
The nurse said they gave her something to calm her down.
Well, can we give it to her all the time? I'm so glad you're feeling better.
I could not live without my bestie for the rest-y.
Oh, Maxi Pad.
Yeah, let's hope that doesn't stick.
(LAUGHS): Oh, it's gonna stick.
The nurse said they just have to finish up some paperwork, then we can take you home.
Oh, good.
That's great.
Oh, hang on.
I'm not sure you should be getting up.
Pshaw, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
And I'm taking this with me.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me.
♪ (DEEP VOICE): "I'm Nick.
I'm raising your rent.
I'm in my 30s, and I still wear Axe body spray.
" (REGULAR VOICE): "Well, I'm a well-read, intelligent, confident woman, and you are a douche-burger with cheese.
" Take that, Nick.
Anyway, to answer your question, Dr.
Green, I grew up here in Louisville.
The dolls were here because my last client is eight.
What do you want me to say? Don't put dolls on the table if you don't want me to put my hand up their butt.
Okay.
So, to recap, in the last few weeks, you've kissed your best friend.
He wanted to kiss me first.
Broke off your engagement.
Engaged for like 12 minutes.
Moved in with your mother.
Back at my place now.
And slept with Nick.
Once on a cheese wheel.
And now he's your landlord? Exactly, and he raised my rent, which is why I had a panic attack.
Let me show you how it went down.
Leave the dolls.
(CHUCKLES) And we don't know what caused your panic attack.
Um, I think we do.
(LAUGHS) You're not the only doctor here.
Oh.
What's your specialty? Math.
Interesting.
Perhaps you read my paper on the characterization of operators in non-Gaussian infinite dimensional analysis? I think I missed that one.
Interesting.
So, how did you wind up running a cat café? I quit my career as a professor and opened the café after my father died.
I'm sorry to hear about your father.
Were you close? Very.
He was the best.
(CHUCKLES) He's actually the reason that I rescue cats.
It all started when I was ten.
I was at the park, and I found this really cute little kitten.
And I wanted to keep it, but my dad said we had to look for the owners first.
So we made all these posters, and then like a week later, after I was already completely attached, this woman called.
It was her kitten.
So how did that make you feel? Wow, they actually do ask that.
Heartbroken.
But my father told me that the important thing was how happy this woman was that she had her kitten back.
He always taught me to, you know, think of other people.
So, was opening the cat café a way to feel close to him? Um, I guess.
And maybe you feel, if the café fails, you're failing him, too.
All right, Doc, I'm just gonna be honest with you.
(CHUCKLES) I was really just hoping you could give me some of that happy juice from the ER.
Maybe it comes in pill form? It does.
That's why my husband goes to meetings and I have to drink alone in the garage.
So, is that a yay or nay on the pills? ♪ Shooter! In your face! Okay, okay.
You come at me, you're gonna unleash the beast.
- Still in last place, beast.
- Mm-hmm.
- (LAUGHS) - (CELL PHONE BUZZES) Sorry, I'm very competitive.
I even view sex as a race to finish.
Can't beat Max, though.
- (CELL PHONE BUZZES) - Who's blowing up your phone? Is that Kat with her math problem of the day? I mean, who cares what time the train gets to Toledo? Also, stop sending me math.
(CHUCKLES) It's just Daniel.
As in your ex, Daniel? As in the only other guy to see you naked? Well, he's not the o Yes, that Daniel.
- What's he texting you for? - Well, his mom is having surgery, and he just needs someone to talk to.
Well, tell him to buy a damn parrot.
You feel me, right? It's not that big a deal.
You feel me, right? Can't I feel both of you? Randi, that's your call, but I'm down.
You are not gonna believe this.
I just got off the phone with a producer from Nashville.
The song I sold Robin Thicke has been "causing quite a stir" his words, not mine and he invited me to collaborate with his other artists, who are in need of my musical genius.
My words, not his.
Oh, that's great, buddy.
That's amazing.
For how long? A month at first, but if it goes well, who knows? Wait, hold up.
No, don't worry.
I'll still cover the rent.
Okay.
Well, then congratulations, Maxi Pad.
Maxi Pad? Changing your contact name in my phone right now.
Oh, ha ha.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, you're actually doing it.
Look, I know long-distance isn't ideal, but I think we can really make it work.
CARTER: I know we can.
It's just, I'm gonna miss you, man.
- I was talking to Nicole.
- Oh, yeah.
I Yeah, I knew that.
I knew that.
♪ How excited are you for Nashville? - Well, I - Here's how excited I am.
I'm gonna bedazzle my cowboy boots when I come visit you.
I'm excited and also a little nervous.
Mostly that you're gonna come to visit dressed like cowboy Elton John.
Hold me closer, tiny line dancer.
♪ I mean Merry Monday, beautiful barista.
Phil, are you having a senior moment? You do remember you don't work here anymore, right? Well, it doesn't mean that this isn't still my favorite coffee shop.
Plus, I got to get my cup of morning joe.
Trains are piling up in the tunnel, if you know what I mean.
He's talking about poop.
Yep, got it.
Oh, hey, Phil.
Hey, sugar.
Where you going with that? Oh, I'm just giving it to Max.
Yeah, like hell you are.
You can't just come in here and slap my muffin.
Oh, grow up.
There was an actual muffin there that got slapped.
I cannot sit idly by while you serve subpar pastries.
Now, this here, Max, is some home cooking.
Wait, is that bag full of muffins? Muffins, scones, couple of bear claws.
Dancer's gotta dance, baker's gotta bake.
Well, since you're all here, I think I may have found a way to keep the café open for a little while longer.
Fire Randi.
We were all thinking it.
I'm gonna throw a "Save the Cat Café" night.
Try and raise enough money to buy me a little time until I find a more permanent solution.
Like a fancy charity soiree? Shall I dust off my tuxedo? Well, it's gonna be at the Middle C.
So shirt, jeans, maybe a belt? We can take donations, maybe do a live auction.
Ooh, I have a for-sure moneymaker.
Sell pictures of our feet.
Don't look at me like that.
These babies bought my car.
Oh, we could also play some music.
Yes, it'll be fun.
I can bust out some math riddles.
Math riddles are dumb.
Oh, the things I can say since I no longer work here.
(PLAYING GENTLE MELODY) (PLAYS LOUD, DISSONANT CHORDS) (SIGHS) That's pretty.
Is it a love song? No, it's garbage.
It's all garbage.
What a waste of a morning.
You know what you should write a song about? Damn dirty Daniel and his devious texts.
Come on, man.
Randi's just helping him through a tough time.
Oh, Max.
So handsome, so stupid.
Well, that's what he wants her to think, but he's got other motives.
- You know how I know that? - Huh? 'Cause I'm a dude.
But you trust Randi, right? I'll trust her a lot more when I figure out - her phone passcode.
- You can't do that.
Well, I can't unlock it with her face while she's sleeping, 'cause it doesn't work.
So I've heard.
Maybe you can get her code.
You live with her.
Mm, forget that.
Oh, what, you scared of her? Yeah, and so are you.
Please.
No, that's true.
But if she gets mad at you, at least you're leaving town.
Yeah, well, maybe I'm not.
Maybe I haven't been able to write a note since I got this gig.
Maybe I'm better off just being a bartender.
Stop that.
- Look, I believe in you.
- (SIGHS) - Thanks, man.
- Course.
And also, you're fired.
What? No more safety net.
You're going to Nashville.
And you're gonna kill it 'cause you're good.
Really, really good.
- That means a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
And you suck as a bartender.
- Really, really suck.
- (LAUGHS) Hey, cuz.
Heard you're looking for a new bartender.
How the hell did you You know what? You're hired.
I won't let you down.
Oh, Darren, we both know you will.
(LAUGHING): Oh, yeah, you know what it is.
♪ All right, the next item up for bid is a mystery box from Uh, the Tyrannosaurus Sex Shoppe.
"We put the 'ass' in Jur-ass-ic.
" - Ooh, what could it be? - (RATTLING) (BUZZING) Apparently, batteries are included.
And we'll start the bidding at a hundred dollars.
- Do I hear a hundred dollars? - One hundred.
$100 from my mother, and another therapy session for me.
125! Y'all are gonna find out why they kicked me off eBay.
125 from the little man with the big heart.
Do I hear 150? 150? 150? - 150.
- 150 from anyone who didn't give birth to me? - 175! - What? You're going to Nashville.
I need a friend.
175.
Do I hear 180? 175 going once, 175 going twice.
Sold to the cute little piano teacher! It's always the quiet ones.
I guess it's true robots are taking over our jobs.
♪ Um, y'all are not gonna believe this.
Between the auction and the online donations, we've raised over $4,000.
Four grand? That's great.
So many people want to support us.
Even Daniel sent in $200.
Say what, now? Oh.
Then I'm donating $201.
And I will send you a check for the 200.
I mean, this is really incredible.
$4,000 that gives me plenty of time to figure out how to keep the café open for another few months.
And then another few months after that, and then another few months, and then another few months.
I'm just staying open.
Not going anywhere.
Just here.
(HYPERVENTILATING) All right, everybody, Kat's freaking out again.
Y'all know the drill.
Bring it on in.
♪ HARLEY: Looking for this? Dad? Hey, Kitten.
How d What What are you doing here? Been worried about you.
And I miss this stuff.
They don't have it in heaven.
Ironic, right? (CHUCKLES) How can they not have ice cream in heaven? BOTH: Ice cream is heaven.
I don't know, some crap about God being lactose intolerant.
Seriously? Now, don't get me started on that guy.
He's so full of himself.
Pull up a spoon.
I-I can't believe you're just sitting here right in front of me.
Do you visit Mom like this? I did once.
She was shtupping my buddy Preston.
I never liked looking at his golf swing.
I wasn't gonna watch that.
Yeah, Mom's grief kind of came out sideways.
That night, it came out sideways, backwards Okay, you can stop.
Please stop.
Sorry, sweetie.
So you had another panic attack.
Yeah.
Which is weird 'cause I got exactly what I wanted.
I can keep the café open.
So I just don't know why I'm freaking out still.
Maybe it's not what you really want.
Of course it is.
Okay.
I mean, I have so many people depending on me.
Phil, Randi, the cats, the customers.
And what about the health inspector? I mean, if the café doesn't make it, they'll get laid off, and then other restaurants may not be as careful about their food, and then some of their customers might get salmonella and die, and there you have it, I've offed someone's nana.
Oh, my Kitten's beautiful mind.
A lot of people's lives will be affected if there's no café.
What about your life? My life? Does the café make you happy? Yeah.
Well, I mean, like, right now it's not making me feel so good, but but it should make me happy.
I want it to.
Sweetheart, I know I always told you to think of others, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
I just don't know what else to do.
As an inconsiderate shrimp once told me, sometimes you need to be shellfish.
(LAUGHS) I miss you so much, Dad.
I miss you, too, kiddo.
Can I hug you? I thought you'd never ask.
♪ - (CELL PHONE BUZZES) - (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, boo.
Uh, can I help you? Who you texting? A friend.
Cool.
Cool.
Friend.
A friend like Daniel? - Really? - Yeah, I want to know.
Are you seriously that insecure? Yes, and I'm secure enough to admit it.
Well, if you must know, it's Phil.
He's asking if it's pronounced "Megan The Stallion" or "Megan Thee Stallion.
" - Are you happy? - I'll be happier when you block Daniel Thee Weasel's number.
Stop telling me who I can and can't talk to.
Well, stop telling me who I can tell you who you can and can't talk to.
- What? - Well, just stop texting Daniel.
Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? I don't know.
I don't want to lose you, okay? Why do you think you're gonna lose me? Because you're out of my league in every way possible.
Well, that's the first smart thing you've said all night.
But you're not gonna lose me.
Well, how do I know that? Because I love you, dumbass.
You love me? Yes.
So stop it.
I'm not going anywhere.
Wow.
You love me.
That's crazy.
Tell me about it.
I love you, too, baby.
I can't believe you said it first.
- (SCOFFS) - So thirsty.
(LAUGHS) Thank you all for coming.
I have kind of a big announcement.
I've decided to close the café.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- Why? - That actually was a big announcement.
Usually, you hype things up for nothing.
I love this place, and I don't regret a thing that I gave up to open it, but if I keep going like this, I'm gonna be on a first-name basis with every nurse at the ER.
I need a break.
Whoa, Kat Silver putting herself first.
I like it.
RANDI: Yeah.
I know how hard it is to admit that you're suffering.
I've been there, so I'm proud of you.
Yeah, we just want our Little Miss Sunshine back.
So, what, she just keeps all that fundraiser money? We got you, Kat, no matter what.
I completely support you, darling.
(SIGHS) Thank you, Mother.
I mean, closing the café and torching everything you built is not what I would do, but attagirl.
♪ So, what time do you leave tomorrow? 10:00.
I get to Nashville by 1:00, meet with the producer at 4:00, and then at 6:00 a nervous breakdown.
Max, don't be ridiculous.
- Have the breakdown before the meeting.
- (CHUCKLES) What about you? Now that you won't have the café, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
Maybe I'll go to France.
I've always wanted to visit the birthplace of my favorite mathematician, Marie Crous.
She invented the decimal point.
Well, I'm 99.
9% sure it'll be awesome.
- (CHUCKLES) - It's funny, I feel like you're usually the one with the plan and I'm the one going with the flow.
And now I'm going with the flow and you're the one with the plan.
Yeah, for two people who are so in sync, we never seem to be in the same place at the same time.
I wonder if we'll match up someday.
I bet we will.
To being happy with whatever comes next.
And to new adventures.
With new friends.
(LAUGHS) Oh, y'all are having a moment.
All love, all love.
- Hey, Kat, can we talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Oh, I actually have a little surprise I got to get ready for.
You guys take the table.
So, Phil and I have been talking, and And we want to keep the café open while you're gone.
RANDI: You said I could tell her.
I'm sorry, I get so excited when I got a bee in my butter bin.
You really want to do that? Yeah.
I mean, it's our home, too.
Plus, if I'm my own boss, I can make my own hours.
Ooh, I'm gonna need Sundays off.
(SCOFFS) I guess Mama will just have to roll herself to church.
Well, I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing, but I'm really happy to know that Kat's Cat Café will still be here.
Randi's Cat Café.
Phil's Bakery with Cats.
MAX: Excuse me, everybody.
(CLEARS THROAT) I've been trying to write a song for a couple days now, and I had nothing.
And then I got inspiration from the strongest person I know.
- (SIGHS) You didn't have to - Kat, will you come up here? It's fine.
I don't need a song.
This one's for you.
When the days are long ♪ You're out of focus, in between ♪ You're feeling out, and oh, what does it mean? ♪ Hey ♪ You're okay ♪ So you had another breakdown ♪ And you're walking with your head down ♪ And you don't know what to do now ♪ You can turn it around ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ See all the colors around you ♪ See all the beauty that I do, I do ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ Celebrate your face.
♪ (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ♪ Are you coming back to bed? Okay, that part didn't happen, but I am in Paris, so who knows? Anything can happen.
See you in a few months.
Celebrate your face ♪ See all the colors around you ♪ See all the beauty that I do, I do ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ - Celebrate your face ♪ - Celebrate ♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪ Celebrate your face ♪ - Celebrate your face ♪ - Celebrate ♪ Don't you let the dark define you ♪ Let the world see what I do, I do ♪ - Celebrate your face ♪ - Celebrate, celebrate ♪ Celebrate ♪ See all the colors around you ♪ See all the beauty that I do.

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