Camp Camp (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

Mascot

1 And here we have our time-honored camp mascot, Larry the hamster.
Say hi, Larry! Hi, there, campers! I hope you're ready to have fun today! Don't forget to respect David and everything he does for you! Oh! He talked! Did you hear that?! Are you a gypsy? Uhhhh Max: Ahem Noises of a masterfully-built Rube Goldberg machine Noises of a masterfully-built Rube Goldberg machine THUNK! Squealing Max: Aw, man That was supposed to kill you.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay, Where we can go to laugh and play, And have adventures every day! I know it sound hard to believe, but guys and gals, it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees, There's endless possibilities, And no, that's not hyperbole! Our motto's "Campe Diem," and that means I'm telling youuuuuuuuuuu.
.
We've got: Archery, Hiking, Search-and-Rescue, Biking, Horseback-riding, Training that will save you from a heart-attack, Scuba-diving, Miming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze, and Fights and Ghosts a It's Camp Camp! Alrighty, kids! Today, we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here.
Well, Max, we were GOING to make hand-made ice cream, But someone killed our mascot and now we need a new one becAUSE EVERY GOOD CAMP HAS A MASCOT, MAX! Also, Gwen's feeling Under the weather, and this is one of the few activities I can do without her! Space kid, don't eat that! It's not space food! Under the weather? David: Those are just rocks! Lady sickness.
My mom used to get that all the time.
How do you cure it? EDGE CLOSER TO DEATH.
WOO! Mascot hunt! I'm going for one with a lot of teeth! It should be cool.
Yeah! Like a unicorn! It should be fierce! Und pure! I need a break from David, just one day.
Just one.
grumbling Hey, David! Yes, Max? Why don't you have the quartermaster take half of us? Huh? I'll bet he would have a unique outlook on the forest! Why, Max, what a wonderful idea! He's such a beloved member of our family.
I would love for you all to get to know him better! I for one, would LOVE to learn from my elders.
You SERIOUSLY want to go in the woods with the bad guy from every horror movie EVER?! Yeah, he's gonna turn you into a skin suit.
Calm down, it'll be fine.
Besides, anything's better that hanging with DAVID.
Sniff Sorry everyone, just really overwhelmed by all this friendship right now.
Alright, who else would like to embark on a friendship walk? Who knows, maybe some of our esteemed quartermaster's wisdom will rub off on you! Eeeup.
Rub off un ya.
Alright Max! Looks like you're gonna be our trail-blazer! I'm just so proud! Angry kid noises Everyone else is team David! That means you too, Magic Kid Magic Kid.
Illusionist! Sorceress! Everyone keep your eyes peeled! You'll never know what you'll find! I FOUND A BUG! That's great! Why don't you hold onto him? I'll put him in my helmet for safekeeping! Whoa! Oh god, he's in my eyes! How many talons would you say we're looking for here? Heheh, um You know what? I'm just gonna go do my thing.
We'll talk after.
What's wrong, Neil? What's WRONG?! I wanted to spend my summer in an air-conditioned laboratory! Not walking around a future Wal-Mart parking lot! Aw, come on, Neil! Nature can be your friend if you just give it a chance! There's a raccoon trying to scavenge Nerris.
It's resistant to charms! Nerris! Play dead! I'm out of mana! Psst Look! I smell a mascot! Come on, let's go! This isn't what the buddy system is for! Horror movie noises Owls hooting Look, man, we can just go back to the camp and relax.
Gwen can be the mascot.
Thud Oof! Neck popping You kids think you're so SMART! What? Uh, how does that relate to You need to see BEYOND the camp.
Into the true beauty of nature! Uh this looks like the place where teenagers go to get stabbed.
Probably.
Ha-ho! Jackpot! NOOOHOOO! I would've fed them porridge.
And it would've been just right! Oh well, I guess we should turn around and go back to live a normal life.
MUACK! Hissssss! Pssh, what's that? Doesn't look very cool.
That's a platypus.
It's actually quite dangerous.
I think it has a little poison spur on it's hind- POISONOUS?!?! Awesome! You're coming with mama! Hissss! Whoa! Too feisty! Run! Don't let it kick you! Neil screaming and Nikki laughing Angry platypus noises Hey, so how'd you lose that hand anyway? Grumblerumblerumble the JEWS.
Grumblerumblerumble I feel like you should be more specific.
We're here.
Menacing music Sigh Well, I guess Nikki was right.
Enjoy wearing my skin! Angelic chorus Max: It's beautiful Mascot.
DUDE! YOU FUCKING KILLED IT! Oh.
I AM YOUR KING NOW! THE THRONE IS MINE! Alright, everyone! Let's take a look at our candidates! We've got a caterpillar Which will blossom into a beautiful butterfly! Just like all you campers! Next, a tin.
.
can? It's a wizard's amulet.
Which can be recycled, and become anything it puts it's mind to! It gives me +1 Dexterity! I have something! Look, and be amazed! Harrison, that's incredible! Is it? Or is it.
Magic? Ta-da! Wh-where'd it go?! Bring it back! Oh I don't know how.
This is kinda why I'm here.
Screaming and laughing Run! It wants blood! AH! Kids, get to the pier! Where do we go now?! I don't know! This was a really bad idea in hindsight! Growling I WANT A VIKING'S FUNERAL! LIGHT ME UP! Quack! Hisssss What the HELL is going on?! We're.
Finding a mascot? Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated? Well, I mean, I think this is all pretty normal Horns blowing and fanfare I need more Midol.
Alright.
Well, seeing as I just accidentally stepped on the caterpillar, and a tin can would be ridiculous, I guess the platypus is our new mascot! Muack.
So, what'd you do? I dunno, man, I think he tried to teach me a lesson? What, like about nature? I guess? Look! Ind zhe vater! Well how about that? Larry's back! Alright, original mascot! HISS! Squealing Sigh Fine, whatever, it's the platypus.
Does this mean we'll be the Camp Cambell Platties?! No, I don't think so.
What about the pussies? DEFINITELY not.
Yeah, I like that! Pussies for life.
YEAH! You guys, no! Pussies! Pussies! Pussies! I'll maken zhe flag! So what's with the quartermaster and Jews? Muack.