Camp Camp (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

Scout's Dishonor

1 Ah another wonderful day at Camp Campbell.
All that's left to do now is recharge with a full eight hours of lying in bed Awake! Waiting for tomorrow! Alright, guys, our first attempt to bust out of this god-forsaken hellhole didn't work.
But tonight's gonna be different.
Because we have a secret weapon Billy Nikssilp.
Call me "Snake.
" He's ex-Woodscouts.
And he's one of the best.
Isn't that right, Billy? biting Got my search-and-rescue badge in two weeks Got my wilderness survival in one.
That's amazing! I never had a choice.
The Woodscouts are some of the most intense, militant campers on Lake Lilac.
Billy here escaped.
And why is he helping us? I'm not doing this for YOU.
I made a vow.
Crickets chirping Well, o-kay, let's get in the boat! So what're you gonna do on the outside? Probably live with the animals.
Try and get raised by wolves, maybe work my way up to alpha.
Pee on stuff.
What about you guys? I think I'll go to my dad's house and tell him that mom sent me to an abusive summer camp.
Pretend to like him more so she'll try to buy back my love.
That's really dark, Neil.
How 'bout you, Max? Max? Billy Where are you taking us? Shortcut.
gasp Aah! JESUS CHRIST! YO! WHAT GIVES?! NO GIRLS ALLOWED! NIKKI! Neil, quick! Grab his-! Aw, shit.
THUD You never left them, did you Billy?! I made a vow to show others the glory of the Woodscouts.
And I told you TO CALL ME SNAKE.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay, Where we can go to laugh and play, And have adventures every day! I know it sound hard to believe, but guys and gals, it's true! Camp Cambell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, Catch fish, bugs, bears and honeybees There's endless possibilities, AND NO, THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's "Campe Diem," And that means I'm telling youuuuuuuuuuu.
We've got: Archery, Hiking, Search-and-Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart attack, Scuba-diving, Miming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze, And Fights and Ghosts and Paints and Snakes and Knives and Chess and Dance and Weights! It's Camp Camp! Groans WAKE UP! Aah! Ah! H-wa? Nikki? What am I wearing? Where are we? Where happiness goes to DIE.
Is that Nikkaaaaay? Heh, hey guys You know them? Ew, who is thaat? Tabbii, Erin, pleeze.
A Flower Scout always welcomes others with daintyness and respaact.
Flower scouts? Angelic chorus Nikki? YOU were a Flower Scout? Ugh, yeah But they were totally boring, so I bailed.
Ahem It's sooo good to see you again, Nikki.
And, um? Neil: Ne- Nikki: ANCY! Nee-ancy? YES! It's uh spelled REALLY DUMB, it's French.
Oooh! Fraaance! I'm Tabbii, with two "i's!" Well, come on, Neeancy! Our morning activities are starting! You can come too, Nikki.
Man, we really lucked out.
GRaraARgrah! Hey you think Max is okay? Sirens and thunder Why do yoU KEEP HITTING ME?! AND WHY IS IT ONLY CLOUDY OVER YOUR SIDE OF THE LAKE?! That's enough, Petrol.
Don't want to over-tenderize the new meat.
Who the hell are you? Cedar Scout, First Class, Edward Pikeman.
Senior Patrol Leader of Woodscout Troop 818.
And it looks like you're our latest recruit.
God, your face is gross.
What? Oh, sorry, that just slipped out Dude Sorry I know That was mean.
It really was It's just you were so close Enough! Enrollment into our organization has reached and all-time low.
So we have no choice but to forcibly recruit new members into our program.
I mean, have you considered that enrollment is low because you guys do things like kidnap other campers? Oh, we don't kidnap campers That'd be immoral.
Max: That guy LITERALLY stabbed me in the back.
No he RESCUED you.
After you ran away from Camp Campbell.
Remember? And now we're going to make a Woodscout out of you MAX.
Prepare the ropes course! Max: Nooooooooooooooo! Consider yourself an honorary Flower Scout, Neeancy! Wow, Sasha, thanks! This place is amazing! Air conditioning, indoor plumbing, free wi-fi! The badge is actually a hotspot.
I mean, what did you think this place was like? A girl can't be expected to rough it in the cruel outdoors! A-men, sister! Hey guys, check it out! Squawk! I named him Timothy! Nikki, that's incredible! Eeeeewwwww!!!!! Huh? Nikki, gross! It probbly has woorms! What is wrong with you? But he brought gifts.
Aaaaaah! Neeancy, get away from her! What? Why? Can't you see-ah? She's nahht normaaal.
Neeancy, I know you're new, but you have to see that Nikki's just not Flower Scout material.
It's why we ran her out in the first place.
You RAN her out? Of course! It was for her own good! She's just so unladylike.
She likes bugs.
And fighting And exercising for reasons other than sculpting the perfect body image.
It's like if a boy came in here and tried to do what we do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
The hell's that supposed to mean? Uh, hell-ooo? Neeancy, boys are supposed to be tough.
And ruggeehd.
And if they pee in you, you get pregnant! Whoa.
My sister told me Look, Neeancy, that's just how the world works.
Now, do you want to be socially outcast? Or do you want to go get ice cream? Ya'll are some ignorant fucking cunts.
All gasp And the name's Neil! Let's get out of here, Nikki.
Also! I'm keeping the wi-fi! TIMOTHY AWAY! Scree Scraw Aah! He can pee in me anytime.
TABBII SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? Thanks for sticking up for me, Neil.
Yeah, well, Paradise isn't Paradise without your friends.
That was super gay.
We JUST learned a lesson about stereotyping! Oh, right.
You think Max learned any valuable lessons on his adventure? Distant sirens wailing You know, maybe I don't hate Camp Campbell.
Maybe I hate EVERYTHING.