Camping (US) (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - Hey! - This makes Tucson look like a sack of junk.
- (BOTH SCREAM) - KATHRYN: Carleen, I asked you to come early - to help me set up.
- Oh, sisters.
- Nina-Joy.
- Kathryn.
You're here to support Walt, but by the end of this, I think we'll be supporting each other.
I'm here to support George.
Let's leave the rest alone.
- Kathryn can be a toughie.
- WALT: We don't have sex.
(YELPS) - (MIGUEL PANTING) - I found something today.
KATHRYN: He's known her three weeks! That's obsession, which never ends without one body six feet down.
We're getting married! What? Oh, that's insane! (LAUGHING) I know! Why the fuck would you say those things to Joe? I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I defended my partner.
Are you sorry? Because it's happened before.
You have to stop fighting my battles for me.
But it is not just your battle to fight.
It is our battle to fight.
This isn't even a battle I want to have.
Can you not see that this is about you? - It's not about me.
- [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
I can't have this argument with you for the hundredth time.
Yeah, the hundredth time? - Yes.
I need some air.
- No.
No, okay, fine.
Great.
Once again, we make zero progress on my sleep profile! [MUFFLED MOANING.]
Oh, my God! I want you to come inside me and then watch me make myself come.
And then you make yourself come from having watched that.
But then when I come, act like you're surprised, like you don't even know what's happening.
- Okay, okay.
- 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
- Okay.
That's so hot, though.
- Let's let it pass.
They can't keep at it for long.
[WHISPERING.]
You said that last night, but I counted 57 minutes.
And I especially need my sleep, because I'm the one - handling everything.
- I know, honey.
[MUFFLED MOANING.]
Oh! [BOTH MOANING.]
[SQUEALING, GASPING.]
Hold it right there.
Hold it right there.
Okay.
[HISSING, PANTING.]
Oh, baby.
Oh, Jandilita! - Oy, Jandilita! - [MOANING.]
[SCRATCHING.]
[BOTH WHISPERING.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PANTING.]
Kathryn.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Why is your face so tight? - Did you put on a night cream? - Okay, um, can you two please just turn down the volume - on your lovefest? - Were we loud? It's late.
I'm not having a very good night.
- It's quite late.
- What's going on, baby? We were being a little too loud, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I never notice sound when I'm making love.
What's really going on, honey? Some private stuff between Nina-Joy and me.
- I'd prefer not to discuss it.
- Okay.
Listen, I didn't want to pry.
I mean, whether you two fucked or not is really none of my business.
But do you want to take something to maybe unbraid your brain? You know, help you sleep? Like an Ambien? It really mutes the chatter in the marketplace.
- Oh.
- You know what I mean? Help you rest.
Lights out.
- Hang on.
- [SIGHS.]
So glad you came by.
Ah, I have what you need.
Sleepy-sleep.
[GIGGLES.]
- It's an Ambien? - Yeah.
Oh, I see the "A.
" Well, what the fuck, right? - I need to sleep.
- Yeah.
Yes, fuck it.
Do you have any water I could take this with? I just have a chronically dry mouth.
It's from Vistaril, which is a a non-habit-forming antihistamine.
Uh, yeah.
Baby, do you have that clear, smooth tequila that tastes like water? Hold on.
Yeah.
- For Kathryn.
- Kathryn? - Yeah, hold on.
- Oh, whoops.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[THUMPING.]
I was thinking maybe we don't have to stay for Walt's birthday.
- What do you think if we leave tomorrow? - What? Why? Why? You don't like camping.
- You said so yourself.
- No, it's fine.
I thought it was gonna be buggy, but it's not buggy, so it's fine 'cause it's not buggy.
Then there's the drinking, and you've taken some pills - since we've been here.
- I took one pill, and I haven't taken any more.
- Okay? - I know you, - and you haven't been yourself.
- [SIGHS.]
I'm concerned that a rowdy birthday evening - could trigger cravings.
- No, you know what triggers cravings? This conversation triggers cravings.
Okay.
What is that? I saved some of my dinner for Sol.
I was gonna take it out to her special tent.
Yeah, no, no.
Don't do that, all right? You know that this hunger-strike thing is just her trying to get attention.
She's a growing girl, and she needs to eat something.
Well, we can't reward shit behavior.
But Sol's at an age where there's a lot going on.
She has a lot going on right now.
Yeah, welcome to the world.
I think she misses her mother.
Yeah, who doesn't? [SOMBER MUSIC.]
You know what? Give, uh give it to me.
I'll t I'll take it to her.
Tell her that it's mac and cheese, - because that's her favorite.
- Yeah.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[PEPPY POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO.]
Coming.
Oh, my God! Let's go! Listen! Nia! What are you doing? I'm tweezing my pubes.
Babes, I told you if you're having bad anxiety, - I've got a Klonopin.
- I'm so hungry.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Allison? What? Nina-Joy? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Bitch, what are you doing here? I just came up for a long weekend.
- What about you? - Oh, my God, the same.
You remember Nia.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- And you know Beth-Ann.
- Of course, hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God, your look is so chic.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, you look so cute.
I literally only brought the most trash clothing.
- No.
- How long are you ladies here for? We have to leave tomorrow.
Actually, we do this every year.
- What? - It's kind of like when we go to Saddle Ranch and we drink, like, the most disgusting drinks and eat the most disgusting cheese, - and we fucking die for it.
- [LAUGHING.]
- We really do.
- I love it! It's so good.
I love that this entire place is a horror show.
I mean, we just, like, come here and laugh because we literally want to die, and then we get bombed.
My weekend nanny has the kids, so I'm getting loose tonight.
- Yes.
- I'm literally laughing at you so hard right now for having kids.
Oh, my She's such a bitch.
What about you and George? What, the same? You just want to, like, spend a few nights in the lap of non-luxury? Actually, it's Walt Jodell's birthday.
A group of us came up for that.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, shit! Is Kathryn here? Bingo.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, so when you said, like, it's a long weekend, like, you weren't kidding.
- It's a long weekend.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Nia, babe, you need to bring that whole bottle and a glass - Yes.
Thank you.
- Because she fucking deserves it.
- Cheers.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
- Cheers, bitches.
- Thank you.
This place is so much nicer than ours.
[LAUGHS.]
Then your place must be garbage.
Oh, shit.
I think I fucked up.
- Yup, I did.
- Why? What's the matter? It's just Kathryn.
I gave her an Adderall.
Oh, fuck it.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God.
[SNORES.]
Okay.
[TEETH CHATTERING.]
Walter.
- Walter, are you asleep? - No.
- Walter.
- What is it? Jandice gave me something to help me sleep, but I'm having a bad reaction.
My chest is seizing up.
My diaphragm is rising, rising, rising, like it did when we took the glass-bottom boat.
You sure? It can't be as bad as the glass-bottom boat.
Of course I'm sure.
Would I make something like that up? You want a back rub to help you relax? - I don't think so.
- Nonsexual.
- I can read the moment.
- Yes.
[PANTING.]
Okay, a short one.
- Yes! - Yes.
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
How's that? Is that any better? Nope.
No, it's not better.
I feel like every cell in my body is on "Dancing with the Stars" but there is no judge.
- [PANTING.]
- What does that mean? I don't know.
I'm not thinking clearly.
- Could you do that less hard? - Sorry.
That's like soft tickling.
My body's in a complete tailspin.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Do you want a handhold or not? This is a no-handhold bathroom trip.
Don't wait up.
[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING AWAY.]
Sol.
Sol.
Hey.
Please tell me this place is on full fire and we have to evacuate.
No.
I brought you something to eat.
Could you - fuck right off? - [LAUGHS.]
I knew it.
You know what, Sol? Life's short, all right? You're not always gonna have me around to bring you sweet mac and cheese.
- Stop bragging.
- Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
God damn it.
- Baby - Yeah, baby? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
I've been thinking.
About what? Oh, are you ready for me? - Is that it? - Oh, I'm always ready for you.
And I've been thinking about our wedding.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
You were? Yeah.
I want to get married by the ocean.
My friends got married in Tulum, on the beach.
It was so beautiful and sexy.
We could go into a village and find some adorable Mayan priestess who could perform the ceremony, and then you could pour rainwater on my pussy from a birth vase.
[INHALES.]
Don't you just want to fuck me on the beach in Mexico in my wedding dress? [GASPS.]
Would you love that? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Thank you.
- Wait, what? - What? - Why'd you say that? - What? - "Yes, thank you.
" - Oh.
Yeah, because, you know, what you were saying sounded great.
The the sand and everything - and the and the dress.
- No.
You say, "Yes, thank you," to a waitress who asks you if you want some more coffee.
You don't say it when I'm talking about fucking you like a champion on our wedding night.
Hey, it's me.
You can talk to me.
- I'm your twin soul.
- You are.
Fuck, you really are.
It feels so good to be honest with you.
I don't want to get married.
What the fuck are you talking about? [MELLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
Then he was like, "No, no, no, don't worry.
Like, we're just gonna fly JetBlue back.
" And I was like, "I'm sorry, are we refugees now? Because that's not exactly happening.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- "I'm not doing it.
" Shit.
Kathryn.
[PANTING.]
Thank God.
Nina-Joy.
[PANTING.]
I just had the most harrowing BM of my life.
I saw a nest of baby squirrels writhing under the floorboard of the outhouse, and the image was so visceral and so intense.
And then I heard laughter, and I thought, "My God, do squirrels laugh now?" [LAUGHS.]
But it was you! And Allison.
Hi.
Kathryn, hey.
How are you? I haven't seen you since The last time was the CreateHer summit on digital connections, right? - Who are you? - I'm Nia.
- Hmm.
- Beth-Ann.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
This is cozy wine time.
You know what? I'm actually gonna head to bed.
Neens, no.
You just sat down.
- Thank you, thank you.
- No.
Thank you, good night.
Thank you.
Kathryn.
- Kathryn, thank you.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- All right, well - I'm wide awake! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
[WITH GOOFY ACCENT.]
Please pass da bottle, man.
So you propose to me in front of all your friends, and now you want to play it by ear? It's it's just, it's all happening so fast, Jandice.
We've known each other for two weeks.
Time doesn't mean anything.
This is about us, about what we think, what we are to each other.
We feel each other, baby.
You came to my party, we fucked all night, and you cried afterwards.
You told me I was your perfect answer.
And and and that was not a lie.
I still feel like that.
Well, I'm just wondering, then, why you would propose - if you didn't really mean it.
- [SIGHS.]
This isn't a joke to me.
It is not a joke to me, Jandice.
Not at all.
I love what we have.
I love everything about us, but I just don't want to ruin it by moving too fast.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, you're right.
I don't want to ruin it either.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I know, right? - You do get it, right, baby? - [SIGHS.]
I get it.
Totally get it.
100%.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SOFT RUSTLING.]
Good night.
[PEPPY MUSIC.]
[COUGHS.]
Hello? - Hey, Joe.
- Hey.
- [SNIFFLES.]
- What are you doing out here? Oh, I couldn't sleep.
The moon [LAUGHS.]
The night was calling me - into her.
[LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Me too.
- Couldn't shut my brain off.
- [LAUGHS.]
My psychiatrist says I, uh, perseverate.
- That's a cool word.
- Yeah, I guess.
- You want a beer? - Yeah, sure.
Great.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
It's funny, don't you think, like, how things change? Sometimes for the worse [LAUGHS.]
And sometimes for the better? - [LAUGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES DRYLY.]
So, what, your son is, like, eight now? Yep, which means it's been five years since my surgery and four since I started my Insta.
Wow, time flies when you are dealing with pain all day and all night.
This place is nice.
- What kind of surgery did you have? - Babe.
I mean, how much time do you have? Initially I had a few exploratory laparoscopies to remove some wayward tissue from my bladder and my liver, but I don't have the best soft-tissue healing, so makes for a challenging recovery.
So then I actually had an internal skin graft because I developed a hole in my lower intestine the size of a dime.
A dime is small, but there's a lot of fecal seepage.
Okay, you know what? All the the body stuff, it's just, like, really - freaking me out.
- But we all have bodies.
Right, but she she really just doesn't like to even think about hers.
- It's not her thing.
- Okay, well, I guess denial isn't just a river in Africa.
[LAUGHS.]
Guys, let's play Two Truths and a Lie.
Okay, let's play Two Truths and a Lie.
Great, okay.
I'll say three things.
Two will be true.
One will be a lie.
Yeah, that's exactly how that game works.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
I have a son named Orvis.
My iron is so low, I need regular transfusions.
[PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO.]
I'm a spy.
The lie is that you're a spy.
Duh.
[WITH GERMAN ACCEN Don't be so sure, Fraulein.
[SHRIEKS.]
Holy shit.
Hello? Kathryn.
Oh, Carleen.
It's my sister, Carleen.
She's terrible at games and has social anxiety.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I legitimately thought you were a ghost in that nightgown.
Thank you.
Kathryn, have you seen Joe? He went out to give Sol a snack, and he never came back.
Well, have you checked the local drug dens? Three truths: her boyfriend's a drug addict.
Her boyfriend's a drug addict.
Her boyfriend's a drug addict.
- Kathryn - Should we help them find him? Yeah, this one can smell a drug addict - from, like, a mile away.
- Totally.
[LOS SAICOS' "SALVAJE".]
[PEPPY MUSIC.]
Whoa-ah! Ya-ya-ya-ya [MEN SINGING IN SPANISH.]
[GRUNTING.]
[EXHALES.]
[ALL LAUGHING, CHATTERING.]
I can't believe I hang out with moms.
[LAUGHING.]
But they're so fun.
Oh, moms are the most fun.
Right? Aren't they You know, motherhood is sacred.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
Do you think you want to have kids? You know, it's this thing where, like, me and my Ben, we'd have to like, win a Grammy or get best new music on Pitchfork or something before I'd feel comfortable dedicating my life to another person, but that could be next year, or it could be when I'm 46.
- Like, I don't know.
- Wait, 46? But what what if you can't have kids when you're 46? What then? Because your biological age may be 46, but depending on lifestyle, your eggs could actually be much older.
Just it just depends.
You do seem like you like to go hard, as they say.
- [SOFT LAUGHTER.]
- Well, I'm 44, and I'm still deciding.
Oh, yeah, but I think your womb probably decided for you.
I always joke with Carleen that I should have been given her uterus because she was never gonna use it.
[LAUGHS.]
Am I right? [LAUGHS.]
Guys, let's play another game.
[SINGSONGY.]
Let's do it, do it to it.
Let's really think about it.
I wanna play something fun.
[LAUGHS.]
I am so amped! I'm not gonna lie.
I took a pill.
Oh, my God, do you have Molly? No, I don't know I don't know what it was.
It's giving me some raging diarrhea, but I'm good.
- I'm here, ready to rock it.
- You, uh you know what, actually, Kathryn? I think we're gonna call it.
- I think we're gonna turn in.
- No.
No! - No! - It's pretty late.
And I gotta get back early.
And if I'm late, the nanny is so cunty, and not in a good way.
I can pack you.
- Let me pack you.
- You know what? I'm good.
I actually got all this disposable shit at Zara.
I'm just gonna throw it in a trash bag and peace out.
Mm, but we can't be done.
It's too much fun! Come on! Let's do one more game.
How about Truth or Dare? Let's do Truth or Dare.
Give me truth or dare.
Say it.
Say, "Truth or dare?" - Truth or dare? - Truth.
[LAUGHS.]
- Um - What's it gonna be? - Oh, darn.
- [SIGHS.]
- Oh, no.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- What's your biggest secret? - My biggest secret is that Nina-Joy cheated on George! Did you guys know that? Not just second base, third base full-on.
Okay, number one, that's mean.
Number two, it's supposed to be about you.
I don't have any secrets.
But Nina-Joy this went on for months before George found out.
It was a-mazing.
I was the person that she told, and so I held on to it and held on to it, and then finally I was just like, "We've gotta talk about this.
" I'm getting really stressed out.
- Am I insane? - You're not insane.
- A black hole in the room.
- Kathryn, we need to sleep.
- I don't.
- Bye.
Bye.
Good night, you guys.
Good night, good night.
Allison, I know what.
Do you want to get a quick pic for our Insta stories? Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm good, sweetie, yeah.
I'm trying to keep my page really authentic and, like, my mentions really authentic and, like, people who at me really authentic.
- But thanks, honey.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
You got it.
Love you.
- Love you.
- Oh, love you! Oh, my God, she's doing it anyway.
- You know what's fun? - A night with the ladies! - What could be better? - Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Love you guys so much.
Can't wait for next time! Moms gone wild! [LAUGHS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Oh! - Fuck! - What even was that? That, my friends, is Kathryn McSorley-Jodell.
- Just walk with me, please.
- You know what? Let go of me.
I gotta get to a bathroom.
Whatever this drug is turned my stomach to a bag of water.
I didn't even ask what you do.
- Like, what does Joe do? - Oh.
Joe sells - audio equipment.
- Cool.
- Very cool.
- Yeah.
So, you know, if you ever need anything for your you know, your DJ stuff, I can hook you up.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS.]
I bet you can.
You know I can.
I bet.
- Okay, by the way - Yeah.
It's totally cool if you're not into this, but I just thought, with all that you're going through drugs and stuff I thought I'd mention it.
- I'm a Reiki healer.
- Oh.
And, um, it's just great for reducing stress and, you know [SIGHS.]
Recalibrating, and super positive.
Wow, okay.
So what does how how does that work? - You face me.
- Oh, all right.
[GRUNTS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
So I put my hands like this And I channel your energy so that you begin to heal yourself.
I feel that.
Yeah? I definitely feel something.
I really want another beer.
- Okay? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
[GRUNTS.]
- You feeling better? - Yep, yep.
Let's keep walking.
My legs feel sticky.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
You know those women? Ableists.
- They're what? - Ableists.
They judged me because of my surgery.
I don't think it was about the surgery.
- I think you're acting odd.
- Yeah.
I'm cranked out of my mind.
Of course I'm acting odd.
- Like, a little mean.
- You know, Nina-Joy only knows Allison because I invited both of them to a members-only Fabletics sample sale.
Why did you say that about my uterus? It's true.
You did waste what seems, for all intents and purposes, to be a perfectly good uterus.
You know a woman in India had a baby at 70? It can happen.
Joe and I just need to make a firm decision about marriage.
- Okay, sure.
- We talk about it all the time.
I'm sure you do.
That's just what it is.
Talk.
You have a wonderful child and husband.
I know.
So? I'm just pointing it out.
Well, thanks, and that's a tree.
Is there anything else you want to tell me that I already know? [SIGHS.]
You're not in a good mood, and I'm gonna wait to talk any more.
I'm just trying to remind you to hold your blessings in gratitude.
You have no idea what it's like to be me.
I mean, do you even look at my Instagram? Gratitude is my most frequently used hashtag.
By the way, I saw Joe.
He's pawing Jandice in that field, so you might want to keep an eye on your man.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, where have you been? - I was worried.
- I need to sleep.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Wake me at least 30 minutes before tai chi.
Oh, where's my mattress? I'm missing one.
Ugh, where'd it go? - [GROANS.]
- Really? That's weird.
[LOS SAICOS' "SALVAJE".]
I guess we'll figure it out in the morning.
Whoa-ah! Ya-ya-ya-ya [MEN SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Ah Ya-ya-ya-ya [MEN SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Ya-ya-ya-ya [MEN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Ya-ya-ya-ya [MEN SINGING IN SPANISH.]
Ah Ya-ya-ya-ya Whoo! [BRIGHT TONE.]
Walter, Carleen, please be dressed in seven minutes! We need to replenish our supplies.
Gotta go.
Now, guys, - when I get to the supermarket - Walter!! Ahhh you want to unwrap me? I can't right now.
I'm journaling some feelings.
I'm still panting after our emotional climb.
And I was also bitten by a snake.
- When? - It's a metaphor! You know, I am not one to get angry.
Right now, I don't feel so steady.
Is this what rage tastes like?